Coddle

As I cuddled up next to him, I could feel my sadness melting away. I had his warm body to my right, and a cool breeze from the air conditioning on my left. I was slightly turned in toward him, and I looked up at his face. He was relaxed, handsome, and his lips were the most perfect shade of pale pink. I could count the freckles dotting his face, and feel his chest expanding and contracting with each breath. I closed my eyes and settled into his embrace. I then felt his hand against my face. He cradled my cheek and pulled me closer. The way he held me was reminiscent of how one would coddle a newborn baby. I remember thinking how perfect it was at that moment, and I never wanted to move. I felt loved, protected, and like nothing else mattered. School didn't matter, work didn't matter, my parents didn't matter, and any concept of time constraints were thrown out the window. The only sounds were the soft hum of the AC and his steady breathing. His hand still on my face, I quietly drifted to sleep. The world was finally peaceful in that moment. I was his, and I loved it.

Waste of Time

As soon as I left my parent's room, I started to bawl. I was downstairs watching hours and hours of Maury because my depression is getting the best of me. I sat down there watching tv and reading some bullshit articles on my phone. My mother came downstairs and told me to come upstairs to her room. It was a little before 1am, maybe 20mins ago. I went to her room, and the lecture began. She told me I'm wasting my life and I need a plan B or I'll fail at everything. I've been wanting to apply to city jobs since they pay well and have great benefits. However, I missed the test for the last one, and this one I'm too shy to ask for a day off of work, so it's going to be hard to fit into my schedule. My mom said I'm avoiding these tests and don't want to do them. She's wrong, but still has a way of making me feel like a failure. Then she asked about my grades from school. I made up some bullshit story about how I hadn't gotten them yet just to buy time, but that excuse wasn't going to work anymore. I told her I didn't make my scholarship and she was angry. She told me my school's nursing program wouldn't accept me with that kind of GPA. She said I should take a semester off and "get [my] shit together", because I'm wasting her and my dad's hard earned money. The last thing I needed after days of depression was a speech on how badly I had failed. I'm aware of how much of a fuck up I am, I just don't want it thrown in my face. I can't help but cry. Even now when I'm writing this, my eyes fill with tears and I can feel them gently slipping down my cheeks. I hate this feeling I have inside. I feel so empty and worthless. I take up too much space and too much money. There are people out there who would kill to be in my position with school paid for, a bed to lay my head at night, warm food on the table each night, and a decent part time job. But despite all I have, I just can't make it work. I can't be who I've wanted to be for so long. I want to be successful and happy. I'm a failure and I'm depressed more than I've ever been in my life. It's times like now I wish I had a therapist to talk me through my own thoughts. But it seems I'm still here alone, as always.