John, Calvin, and Chanel

Since taking the GRE I feel as if a lot has happened, but at the same time like nothing has happened. To celebrate the GRE and just spend some time together, Leo and I hung out for an entire day. He picked me up and we went back to his place. We had the house to ourselves so I got him high for the first time. We were cooking food, taking hits, and listening to some music. It was overall pretty fun. We watched Napoleon Dynamite which I hadn't seen in many many years, and it was funnier than I remembered. My memory is somewhat cloudy, but he and I ended up sleeping together on his couch. Or at least I slept. I somehow ended up on top of him laying on his chest and fell asleep. Apparently while asleep there was a moment where I pulled him closer to me. I want to convince myself it was just a primal instinct for warmth or comfort, but from a psychological perspective usually gripping someone close to you means you love them deeply. I do love Leo very deeply, but there are lines that cannot be crossed at this point in time. I have my own things going on with Seth and he has his dealing with someone else as well. Neither of us are mentally or emotionally ready to try some form of a dating relationship just yet. We've both thought about it and expressed interest in trying it, so there is potential. We're both single and don't have much to lose. One of the reasons why I am apprehensive is that I don't want to ruin our friendship. I was lucky with Josh in that he and I are still close and talk frequently. There were rough patches, but I still consider us very good friends. However, that is unfortunately more so the exception to the rule. Most relationships end in a messy disaster that leaves both parties broken and hurt. I don't want to have that with Leo and I. It's still an avenue that needs to be explored, but for now I am steering clear of that boundary.
On the more practical adult end of life I interviewed for the job at the hospital twice now. The first time went very well. I met with the woman I would be replacing along with a person who would train me for the position. The meeting went exceedingly well in my opinion. It went well enough to warrant a second interview, and this time with the doctor who I would be working for. I was most nervous for that meeting, and I'm still unsure of how it went. It was difficult at times to gauge his thoughts or reactions, but overall I believe I did well. I should be hearing back in a 2-3 weeks as to whether I'm moving to the next round or have outright been chosen for the position. I hope I get the job. It's everything I could ever hope for all in one job. The experience would be priceless, and that job would look incredible on a resume in the future. There is also potential to perform my own research. I also invested nearly $200 in professional clothing, so I better get back that investment.
After the secondary interview with the doctor, Seth and I went out to lunch. We had a casual lunch date and it was pleasant. We went back to his house after lunch, and I spent a lot of time on the floor with his dogs. I was in a white button up tucked into grey work pants with nice black boots, and I was promptly covered in dog hair. One of the dogs is a beefy Victorian Bulldog who loves to wrestle and play. We played fetch for a little while then I snuggled up next to the other dog who is a very wrinkly Pug Sharpei mix. She is smaller than the other two dogs, but definitely has some attitude. She warmed up to me right away when I first met her, and Seth's entire family said they had never seen her love someone so quickly. She and I sat on the couch together watching Seth rough house with the bulldog. After a while of hanging out with his sister and the dogs we retreated to his room. We had celebratory interview sex then cuddled up with Netflix. We were watching a show when he pulled me close and kissed the top of my head. I squeezed him back and we both smiled. After another round, Seth was sitting on the edge of the bed. I came up behind him, hugged him, and put my face against his bare shoulder. I saw him smile and I told him I loved him. He reciprocated the sentiment and we stayed there for a few moments. I felt his breathing and how soft his skin felt on my cheek. I closed my eyes and let out a content sigh. He asked if I was happy, and I told him how much he meant to me. We lingered in the tender moment for a little while longer before I had to leave. Those moments are what help me reconsile my feelings when it comes to the other girl in the picture. I know he has his fun weekends or nights with her, but he always comes back to me. I have dinner with his family and play with his dogs and hang out with his sister. I know his strengths and weaknesses and insecurities. We have a weekly date night and always try to see each other at least twice a week. I know that I am more meaningful to him than she is. She is purely a sexual being that he has fun with, and does things with that I am not capable of doing. It sounds like a petty thing to say, but I also feel as if I am better looking and in better shape. He himself has said she isn't the prettiest. Anyway, it is those sweet moments he and I share that define us as lovers. He is such a tender person, and not many people see that side of him. I know for a fact that she does not. Under his rough exterior is a wonderful human being whom I love very much. He is dear to me, and I know those feelings are  reciprocated without a doubt. Whoever ends up dating him in the future will be a very lucky woman. 
Anyway. On a fun (less emotional) side note, I may need dental surgery for an impacted wisdom tooth. I'm seeing a dentist tomorrow about it. It's gotten progressively worse over the last 24hrs and I'm somewhat scared of what the dentist will say. I will most likely need surgery to remove it which I am not looking forward to. I took some percocet earlier and the pain still hasn't diminished enough for my liking. I'm not sure how I will sleep until this is resolved, but something tells me it will be torture.

297

I took the Graduate Record Exam (GRE) today. I bought a review book for the exam that contained pertinent information and practice tests. Imagine the SATs you took in high school, but on steroids. Included in the GRE are two math sections. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate math and am terrible at it. I'm not sure how, but I was miraculously able to enlist Leo as my personal math tutor. We Skyped the last couple days for many many hours doing the ridiculous math problems and talking through the steps. I wasn't sure if the tutoring would have any effect since my memory is usually shitty at best. What if I completely forget everything he took the time to explain to me?
As I was driving to the exam center I was blasting my recent song obsession on a loop and singing along to try and avoid the anxiety. I got mildly lost on my way there, but that isn't out of character for me. I got to the center early, so I decided to go over my notes one last time. I skimmed through the pages and began to feel a minor panic. I closed the books and forced myself out of the car. I made my way to the testing rooms and I became eerily calm. I took a deep breath before starting the timer for the test. I was nervous, but felt a slight sense of confidence. I made my way to the math sections, and was baffled for some of the questions. I made educated (sometimes random) guesses and hoped for the best. I finished the test with time to spare. I clicked forward a couple pages until I saw my score. It gave me individual scores from both the math and reading comprehension sections. I added up the scores and ended up with 297. I sat there for a minute feeling confused and somewhat baffled. I double checked my math and determined that I was correct the first time. I made my way out of the testing room and grabbed my phone. I did the calculations for what my score translated to by way of a percentage. I got an 87 on my first try taking the GRE. People study for months and take prep courses before actually taking the exam. I only had a few weeks (but didn't really study too intensely until last week) to study and didn't take a prep course at all. Somehow I managed to work/bullshit my way through a fairly difficult test. I know people who have taken it several times and not gotten above an 80. I would give my stunningly fantastic guessing skills all the credit, but Leo deserves most of the accolades for this achievement. He took time out of his life to attempt to tutor me. It is nearly impossible to explain math to me in a way I will actually understand, but he did it. He sacrificed valuable sleep and time to help me, and it seemed to have actually worked. What he gets out of helping me I will probably never know or understand. I'm going over to his place on Sunday and I'm getting him high for the first time. I'm wondering what his reaction will be and what his tolerance is like.
Now that the GRE is over I have time to relax and breathe for a little while. The potential job is sounding more and more positive as time goes on, so I'm not running myself ragged job hunting per usual. I'm in a good place right now. I hope it lasts for a while this time. That would be nice.