Tuesday, August 18, 2020
F2020
This is a difficult feeling to confront, but I want to at least get some of it out of my head and my heart. Anyone that knows me knows that I love cats. I have two of them, Stoney and Muffin. We had to put Stoney to sleep on Saturday and I'm emotionally wrecked. I had spent almost a week with Seth and was sad to leave his house. I ended up crying in his arms because I was so sad to leave. But then I got home and was told that Stoney wasn't doing well health wise and that the vet recommended he be put down. We all agreed that it was time. He was about 14 years old and lived a good life. We found a mass in his abdomen a couple years ago but he's been receiving medications twice a day that my mom and I would administer. All things considered he did extremely well and responded to the meds for a long time. But sometimes enough is enough. Pretty much as soon as I left the house he stopped eating and drinking. He started vomiting and pooping all over the place, which was extremely out of character. He was always the typical neat cat that constantly groomed him and took pride in his appearance. He had the softest tummy fur I've ever felt. So we knew that something was wrong. My parents didn't tell me when I was away because they wanted me to enjoy my time and have fun. I appreciate it a lot but I also hate it. I wanted to be there for his last days but I wasn't. I keep telling myself that it's for the best and he wouldn't want me seeing him like that. I came home on a Friday only to find out we had appointment not even 24 hours later to put him down. I spent as much time as I could with him. I brought him upstairs so we could sleep together one last time. He slept on the corner of the bed and I kept looking at him hoping that tomorrow he would be normal again and we could call it off. Of course that was completely unrealistic, but it was a fleeting sense of hope. I spent his last day working right next to him. It was inconvenient and not the most comfortable, but I wanted him to know I was there and that I loved him. I cried a bit during the day but sucked it up. Eventually we went to the vet and it happened. I held him in a fluffy blue blanket and snuggled him close so he knew I was with him. I made sure to gently stroke his head until he went. It's extremely hard putting him down because he's been like an emotional support animal for me for over a decade. He's been my best friend for a very long time. When we came home I took the small blanket my mom had knit for him and threw it in the trash. Not 5 minutes later I took it out and put it up in my room. It still has his fur all over it and smells like him. I keep it next to me in bed because it's comforting in a way. I'm not ready to let go of him yet. I still have my other cat, but I think she's figured out by now that he's no longer in the house. It breaks my heart. I haven't had a truly intense crying session yet because I know I'm repressing things. I don't want to face the reality of him never coming back. I'll never wake up in the night to him sleeping on my head or hear his grumbly meows when he was hungry. I'm starting to fall into a depression and I can feel it. I'm having a hard time eating and drinking, and showering is also difficult. I find myself staring off into nowhere completely unaware of what I was even thinking about. I want to move on as painlessly as possible but it's so difficult. I don't want to forget him, but I also don't want to harbor sadness for the rest of my life. This whole depression thing may sound blown out of proportion or overly dramatic, but anyone who's had to put a pet down will understand. It's traumatic, and it's something I'm working through. I'm seeing my psychiatrist on Saturday to hopefully get a little help with things. In the mean time I'll only drop one song because it embodies exactly how I feel right now.
Friday, August 14, 2020
All the While
I was able to get quality time with Seth this week and I'm loving it. I had to get COVID tested for his parents to feel comfortable with me being over, but I did what I had to do. I've been here for a few days now and will be here for a little while longer. Seth and I were tired of keeping our distance with each other and missed being able to be truly ourselves with each other. We love snuggling up in bed watching Twilight Zone just talking and hanging out, and that's not something we've been able to do since March 9th. He was outside his house the second I pulled up so he could greet me. He picked me up and we spun around and kissed, and it was magical. I finally saw his family close up again along with their dogs. All three dogs were extremely happy to see me again and wanted to be pet and loved. I'm here for 6 full days and I haven't been this happy in a long while. I'm still working during the day, but Seth always sleeps late so it allows me to concentrate. Although, I do look back at him a lot while I work. Even now I can hear his subtle snoring, and it's soothing. We both finish work at 5pm and that's when we usually fool around and maybe watch a movie until dinner is ready. I've always enjoyed eating dinner with his family. They make great food and conversation. His twin sister and I get along particularly well. Usually once dinner is over we all settle in for a movie. They're a very big movie family and know more about older movies than anyone I've ever met. You could name any movie before 1960 and both Seth and his dad would be able to name actors, directors, producers, and awards won. It's incredible to watch the two of them banter about movies. It always makes me smile and it's one of the things I love most about Seth. He shows me new movies and things I've never been exposed to before and can tell me all sorts of trivia about them.
I think my favorite part about being here is that we can touch each other. He likes to hold my hand when we watch movies and pulls me close when we sleep together. It's a great feeling to be held and cherished by someone you love. I can feel how he envelopes me and I melt when he whispers that he loves me. Just last night I fell asleep in his arms while watching Star Trek together and I heard him whisper how he loved me and how cute looked wrapped around his arm. He has a hard time sleeping most nights so sometimes I'll be nudged awake when he moves around. I always fall back asleep but sometimes I hear him softly saying sweet words under his breath while stroking my hair as I drift back to sleep. I never want this mini vacation to end. I feel like I took our time together for granted back before the pandemic. We spent a lot of time (literally) sleeping together and I somewhat regret that. He says that I annoy him at night when sleeping because sometimes I touch his face or lightly run my hand down his back. I never mean to wake him, I just want to take in as much as I can because I know the moment I leave I'll want one more hug and one more kiss. Just one more minute with him. Leaving him was never easy, but now it'll be extra hard because neither of us knows when it'll happen again. Sure, I'll come over for walks outside but we keep our distance and never touch and have our masks on. With grad school starting in a few weeks I won't have time to come over for long periods like this so for now we'll be indefinitely separated once I leave. I'm getting ahead of myself and shouldn't get sad when I'm still with him. I'm looking at him now sleeping curled up under the covers softly snoring and it makes me smile. I love him so much.
These song choices are a little different. These are all from movies Seth has shown me. Normally I try to avoid posting music videos so you can focus solely on the music, but this time the context of a video is important. So sit back, listen, and watch. Maybe you'll find something you like and want to watch yourself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)