Shortly after my last post my dad was diagnosed with a life-altering condition. We had known something was wrong in the ~6 months before the formal diagnosis but the finality of an answer was hard on everyone. As of now he's getting the best treatment possible and is still thriving to the greatest degree. I don't think I've ever seen someone so unbothered by a diagnosis and I love that about my dad. So mentally managing that was a little rough and I didn't want to post while still processing things.
When I felt like I wanted to post again my own life got turned upside down. I starting dating someone, left my job, was unemployed for a couple months, ended up getting really sick, then was dumped via text. The relationship isn't important right now but I might talk about it in the next post. Anyway, shortly after I left my job I started feeling sick but didn't seek treatment until a few months after it had started. My main symptoms are a complete loss of appetite, constant nausea, and an unhealthy amount of weight loss. I've seen many many specialists and have done many many tests. I've been waiting for more of a definitive diagnosis to come back and do an update on here but I've been sick for almost 7 months now with little resolution. I started seeing a new specialist who ran very thorough blood panels and I have the basis of an answer, I think. It seems as if I may have the beginnings of an autoimmune disease but nothing is certain yet. I'm getting all of my blood work done again in a couple months to see how/if my levels progress, but until then it's basically just symptom management. I'm taking something something for the abdominal cramping as well as nausea, but they rarely solve the problem completely. I've never really had major body image issues until now. I know weight loss is usually a good problem to have, but given that I'm on the small side to begin with it shows pretty easily that I've lost weight. A vast majority of my jeans don't fit me anymore and I'm relying almost entirely on stretchy pants that can hug my waist, otherwise jeans just end up sagging and looking terrible. People always mention how skinny I look and how much weight I've lost, not realizing that I'm sick and the weight loss is completely unintentional. Right now my body isn't my body and frankly I hate it. I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror. I've always had an average body and was perfectly fine with that. Now my proportions are different and my clothes don't fit right anymore. I haven't weighed this much in probably close to 15 years. It's a struggle to keep the weight on sometimes but I know it's a mind over matter situation and I have to do what I have to do. There are days I have to basically force feed myself to get just a few hundred calories. On top of all my general health issues I'm also still dealing with my worker's comp back injury. So far I've had multiple rounds of trigger point injections, 2 epidurals, endless PT and chiropractic care, cupping, massage therapy, acupuncture, pain meds, and I'm sure there's more I can't recall offhand. It's been a massive struggle because my 2nd epidural didn't take as well as the first so I'm in constant pain until I see my pain management doctor next week.
I also start my new-ish job next week. I stayed within the general school system but decided to get a state job at a public school outside the city. The pay isn't great but the benefits are absolutely worth it. I still work special education but with a much younger demographic now. I worked there for the last couple months of the school year so I'm familiar with people but still feel a bit like an outsider. I'm sure with time that'll change, but I do overall like it there.
Touching briefly on my own schooling, I was slated to take a comprehensive final exam to complete my MA degree. I ended up failing by .4 points and I was devastated. I only have one more chance to take it otherwise I'm dismissed from the program. I was going to take it at the beginning of summer but with my being sick I felt as if I couldn't focus fully on the test and studying for it so I dropped out. The next exam is in January and I'm trying to get myself back into studying for it but it's hard when I still feel terrible most days between my general wellbeing and my back. I'm just trying to roll with the punches and do what I can to survive.
As a final note I'm going to very briefly discuss my former job. It was an incredibly toxic and borderline abusive environment that has permanently changed me. Shortly before I left the job I reached a mental breaking point while at work and completely broke down. After I got myself together I felt like a different person. I was tired of being stepped on and dismissed, so I made myself very known to upper administration and my immediate supervisors took exception to that. I'm glad to be out of there and I'm celebrating every person that leaves. I was the first domino to fall and there's almost no one left now. I still have an inside source so it genuinely brings me joy to hear how stressed administration is about everyone leaving. Anyway, since leaving I feel like a different person. For lack of a better analogy it's like my balls finally dropped. I stopped taking people's excuses and nonsense. I have no problem calling someone out now and being more forward with how I feel. It's liberating. Really the only downside to leaving was leaving behind my kids. I've cried countless times thinking about them and hoping they're getting the love and care they deserve. I'll always remember Burger and his little habits and preferences and quirks. He's my baby and he always will be. I know he misses me and it's hard for him because we've bonded for over 2 years and we're very attached to each other. He's been my main student basically from day one. His mom, grandma, brother, and sister all love me and have invited me over many times. That job took away any and all chance for me to say goodbye to him and have closure, and I'll never forget that.
Just to end up on a slightly(?) more light-hearted note, I got COVID for a THIRD time since my last post. Every single time I've had it so far has been between the same 5 week period of each other almost exactly a year apart, end of January into February. I keep waiting to get superpowers but I don't think it's happening. Maybe next time.
So that's my update. Hopefully now that I broke the seal I'll come to post more often. It's always so intimidating when you don't know where or how to start but you kind of just have to jump in. I'll post some music I've been vibing to recently and maybe you'll find a neat new song to jam out to. I highly suggest headphones for these, especially if you have ones with good bass. I usually try to avoid posting the same artist repeatedly but I'm obsessed, sorry. Live with it.
"Being challenged in life is inevitable. Being defeated is optional."
