Anyway, diving into the topics I talked about last time - my back surgery. I decided to hold off on the surgery. I came in the for the appointment where we'd book the surgery and I told the doctor I had a dream the night before that the surgery didn't work. He told me if I wasn't in it mentally then I shouldn't go through with it. I'll be continuing with the endless cycle of physical therapy for now. However. The insurance company thats covering the worker's comp treatments is insisting on a second opinion doctor to evaluate me. I know I shouldn't be nervous because I have no need to be, but I'm worried about being cut off from coverage. I've already been sent for a second opinion by my current surgeon before he let me decide on surgery. I know there isn't a need to be anxious but there's a reason why I have a Xanax prescription.
I also wanted to talk more in depth about my diagnosis. I'm not going to share specific details for now but I do want to explain more. I started getting sick in the spring of last year. I was rapidly losing weight and felt like I woke up with a stomach flu every single day. I only vomited a couple times in the past ~18mo so I'd say that isn't too bad all things considered. I only got answers a couple months ago. The amount of testing I've had done in the last year has driven me close to insanity. Biopsies, experimental diets, extensive bloodwork at specific times of day, varying forms of imaging (some more fun than others)... It hasn't been an easy ride but I'm glad to have answers. There isn't much of a preventative course of action so I basically just have to twiddle my thumbs while my body destroys itself. Whoo. At least now I'm getting familiar with what my flareups are like and how to manage them. Remember those posts on here from high school? Someone needs to invent a time machine. I'd rather be 15 walking around the mall with my friends, not a true care in the world. Window shopping, maybe buying something from the food court if we had some money, and taking selfies with too many filters on them. Makes me want to cry just thinking about it. Now a majority of my friends don't even live in the same state anymore. But this is when I try to remind myself that the past helped me grow into who I am today and I should be grateful to have those memories and goofy selfies. I have learned that as an adult. Take pictures and videos. You'll never be in that moment again.
After that little trip down misery lane let's switch up and end with something nice. I got a new job last spring (while in the throws of a mystery illness - whoo, again). The kids are smaller and much more manageable. The staff there think the kids are difficult to work with but they have no idea what challenging kids are really like. There are some hard kids but the job is hands down easier than my last one. I've also made a good core group of coworkers and friends while there. A change of environment was good for me, and I'm glad to be where I ended up. As of right now, I still have career plans to adjust a bit but I'm happy to be where I am at this moment. Learn to be content with being content.
I'm going to drop some music that may contradict the relaxed kind of vibes I'm trying to project above. These are going to be songs I listen to when I work out. They help get me focused and exercising is a great way to be mindful for me. I keep my movements intentional while still staying in form. I make it sound like I'm a professional or something but who am I kidding. I do deadlifts, but don't ask me how much. Anyway, I love putting on bass-y headphones and feeling the music. I also use the music to help keep time for holds and sets, so maybe you'll find it useful too. Or maybe you'll just like the general mood. Either way, go have fun feeling the music and catching the vibes. I'll make it nice and long for a good workout, you're welcome.
