18

Well today was an ok day. I had church for the first time in months. It felt good going back there. I'm not religious, but I find comfort in it. It reminds me of the times when my family was still united and alive. After church, I did some various housework. I helped my mother trim bushes in the front yard, I powerwashed our deck chairs and then vaccuumed the first floor of the house. After chores were done, I headed out.
Bambi turned 18 today. We planned on seeing a movie but I couldn't get to his house till around 3. When I got to his house, we talked and hung out then put in a movie. We watched the movie for maybe 15mins then started to talk and pay less attention to it. We then kissed and he felt up my butt. I recently found out that he has a butt fetish. He wants to do anal, but I'm scared. I know it'll hurt. I'm also kinda just grossed out by it. I have a slight dislike for butts. They're so dirty and nasty. Anyway, he felt me up and things got a little hot. Then we started to talk and things cooled down. I then had dinner with Bambi, his parents, his older brother and his friend Gio. It was a nice dinner. Nothing special, just hot dogs and salad. Gio and Bambi's brother left the house after dinner. Bambi and I went outside and I used his skateboard. He was helping me to get better at boarding. I'm not bad, but certainly not great. We then went inside and hung out some more. Then, I got a ride home around 7:30. It was a nice day out with him.
I came home to dinner on the table. I had some then watched tv. My mother then bitched about how I never clean or do chores. I'm now forbidden to leave the house. I had made plans to meet Leo at the park by his house to hang out tomorrow. Now, I can't go. I feel bad but he said it was ok. He called me at 10:30 and we talked for 3 1/2hrs on the phone. Crazy right? I usually HATE phone calls with a passion but I'm comfortable with Leo. I have no idea why. But anyway, now its past 2am and I'm exhausted. I don't have school anymore but I have a lot of cleaning to do tomorrow if I want to leave my house anytime soon. Ugh. Cleaning.

Class of 2013

I graduated today. Shit. High school has gone way too fast. I started out scared and shy. I made a few friends and eventually got comfortable. Of course the second I get comfortable, I have to leave. I'm surprised I didn't cry during the ceremony. I held it together and got my diploma. I wore my medals. One for being a National Thespian Society and one for the World Choir Games I competed in last year in Cincinnatti. My school choir won 3rd place in our division. Not bad considering we were competing against hundreds of other people. So the senior choir members who competed wore a bronze medal around their necks. Everyone marched in and sang and received diplomas. Kyle, Andrea, George, Megan, Claude and everyone else in our class accomplished something. They all passed high school. It scares me. High school is where life kinda starts. You get a kick in the pants to start real life. College and work and real world problems.
Leo couldn't make it to graduation. He was supposed to be there (he's in the school band), but he was taking ACTs. Mimi was also supposed to be there. His dad took him to Boston for some family trip. He wanted to see his 'big sis' walk across the stage and get her diploma. I love him. He really is like a little brother to me. Ever seen the show Gravity Falls on Disney Channel? I'm Mabel and he's Dipper. We used to call eachother that all the time. Mabel and Dipper. So awkward and weird but still loving and adorable. I'm really going to miss him. A lot. Damn. I'm starting to get emotional. Emotions. Why do we even have them?

A Gift

So I went to work today. 10-4. It was sooooo slow. Tropical Storm Andrea really affected business. Leo texted me during the day. He said he wanted to meet after I got out of work. I agreed and we met up at a local Dunkin Donuts. He bought a sammich and we talked. No serious topics. Just laughing and hanging out. I needed to get home, so we went and waited for the bus. He took the bus with me even though his house was in the opposite direction. We continued talking and having fun. It was POURING rain. We had to walk about 5 or 6 blocks to my house from where the bus left us. We walked in the rain and said how soaked our shoes were. We parted ways on the corner of my block. I hugged him and wished him a happy birthday. Today is his 17th birthday. We didn't want to leave eachother. We were about to seperate when something strange happened. Leo leaned in and kissed me. I kissed him back. It was a semi-long kiss. In the rain. With my hair down. Romantic. Sweet. It was my birthday gift to him. I could have easily avoided the kiss, but I didn't. I don't think I regret it. But I feel bad about it. I feel very guilty. I shouldn't have cheated. Bambi is my boyfriend. Practically my fiancé. Its kinda bothering me that I kissed Leo. However. It felt good. It felt so right. I don't know. I hate this. I want to love Bambi with everything I have. No reservations. I also want to love Leo with everything I have too. Leo needs love and acceptance. I want to give that gift to him. I'm not a cheater. I didn't cheat. I will never cheat. I gave Leo a gift. A birthday gift. It was a gift. Just a gift.

Best Featured Actress

Yesterday was a crazy day. I had to be at school for graduation practice. It went for 4hrs. Ugh. I got my cap and gown though. Fancy. After practice, a bunch of my friends and I went to the mall. We ate there and then wandered for a bit. Kyle and I bought earrings in Hot Topic. We both have a cartlidge piercing in our left ear. We got it together last year. So we bought a few colorful hoops then split it up evenly amoung us. We continued to wander and then headed back to school. 
Last night was the Drama Awards Banquet. I got inducted into my school's Thespian Troup. I got a medal to wear for graduation. I also got a gold star. Each gold star symbolizes 100hrs of drama related work. Kyle (my best friend) got his 6th star. He's done every show since he started in high school. He's a great actor too. Anyway, they give out awards at these banquets. I won Best Featured Actress, Best Save and Best Scene. Bambi and all my friends were at the banquet. Leo was there too. Every time I looked at him, he had his face in a book. A Star Wars book. I gave him a braclet a little while ago. A little rubber tube with red sand inside. He was wearing it. It made me smile. But he looked so upset. I texted him while Bambi wasn't looking. I told him to smile and be happy; to enjoy himself. He texted me back saying there was no reason to smile. I needed to talk to him. After the banquet was over, he headed straight home. He messaged me on fb maybe 45mins later. He was angry and overwhelmed. He has a project due today that he doesn't have complete. It needs to be in german. I've taken german for 4yrs. I could do this quick and easy. I told him to give me the guidelines for the project and I would do it. He refused. I was practically begging for the info. He got mad and said 'GO FUCK OFF'. It shocked me but I let it go. He never gave me the info. He texted me telling me to call him at 11pm. I fell asleep before I even got his text. I called him this morning and left a voicemail apologizing. He and I need to talk. He's in such a depression lately. I need to fix this. I want to read his blog. I know he updated it last night (he told me). Maybe I should read it to get insight. I don't know.

The Final Final

I took my final exam today. Pre Calc. I didn't even try. Math isn't my strong subject by any means. I got to school around 7:30am but the test didn't begin till 10:15. People from my class just sat around and talked and semi-studied. It was fun. Bambi was there. We were in the cafeteria. Bambi and I were happier than we were yesterday. I was smiling and he was laughing. We were okay again. I only saw Leo maybe twice today. I'm seeing him less and less due to my lack of actual classes. He was so sad and upset and boderline angry today on fb. He feels like an outcast and that no one loves him. I love him. But I can't show it. This constant push and pull struggle is horrible to live with. Leo and Bambi are never both happy. At least one of them is usually sad or depressed. It's like maintaining 2 boyfriends at once. I'm such a whore. I want to help Leo, not entice him. Then I try to draw boundaries and he feels lonely and seperated. It's a bad feeling having to constantly keep up with two guys and not being able to tell them how much their burdons weigh me down. I can't really do much. My hands are tied.
I came home and made a bagel. Again. But this time I put strawberry tofu cream cheese on it. Sounds gross, tastes great. After my bagel, my mom and I went out. We went to The Mary Louis Academy. It's an all girl elite Catholic high school referred to as Snob Hill. All the girls are smart and usually come from money or high name families. My mother went there and graduated. Most girls who enter don't graduate; they transfer out because it's such a harsh school. Nuns and physical punishment. High standards and excellence. I applied there for high school and got in. Special me. I declined. I'm not into the structured environment. I needed to be free a bit, not kept under lock and key. Anyway, so my mom and I went there today to look at a summer camp they were hosting. My mom wants to send my brother there. We took a tour and reviewed the activities. My mom liked it and she paid for 6 weeks of camp for him. 6 weeks in day camp, 6 weeks of him out of my hair. After we finished with the open house, we drove around the neighborhood and talked about the houses and how nice they are. We agreed that we were both hungery so we went out to a diner for dinner. We both ordered omlettes and toast. We talked and laughed and had fun. My mom and I haven't had bonding time like that in a while. It was nice. We fight like cats and dogs sometimes, but other times she's like my sister/best friend. I hate to admit it, but I love my mother.
Now, I'm exhausted. After Leo's meltdown on fb, I took a shower and layed in bed. I'm still in bed 2hrs later. I can sleep in a bit tomorrow. No classes till 1. I'm going to take full advantage of my late class. SLEEP.

What Did I Do?

So I had my English final today. It was easy. After the final, Kyle and I went to McDonald's for cheap food and someplace to loiter. We were exempt from the econ/gov final so we hung out. We needed some time together to just talk and bond like we used to. Bambi called me when he got out of the exam to see if we were still at McDonald's. I missed his call. I saw I missed it and called him right back. I tried his cell 3x. I got a voicemail everytime. I gave up and continued to talk to Kyle. 5mins later, Bambi walks in. He comes over to our table and says "hey. Thanks for picking up your phone and stuff". Then when I explained that I called him 3x, he said that after he called me, he had turned his phone off because it was dying. I was getting frustrated. I said "well how the fuck was I supposed to know your phone is dying?". He gave me an angry face, turned around, and stormed out of the place. I felt so embarassed. Like he made me look like an idiot in front of Kyle and the rest of McDonald's staff and patrons. I looked like a retard and a horrible person. Kyle saw I was a bit ashamed and we continued to talk. Maybe 3mins later, Bambi comes back. He entered behind me. I turned around to look at him and he threw a bottle at my head. It missed and hit the table then bounced to the floor. That got me a bit scared and angry. Why the hell would he do that? I don't see that I did anything wrong. Even if I did, that still wouldn't be right. From then on, the day with him was uncomfortable. Around our other friends I was ok. Around just Bambi, I was quiet and sad. I just told him that I was tired. I didn't want to fight. I went home and made a bagel. Leo messaged me on fb and after talking for maybe 20mins, he knew something was wrong. He asked and I denied. I eventually gave in and told him what had happened. He was upset and empathetic.
After speaking with Leo, I engaged Bambi. He got defensive and said he threw the bottle at me to scare me. Yea. Ok. Whatever. Now he wants to talk about how I feel and why I feel that way. We may talk tomorrow before our Math final at 9:30am. I don't know why, but I'm so depressed right now. I just want to sleep. Forever.

The Pain of a Sunburn

Over the weekend, nothing new really happened. I worked 6-12 on Saturday then 7-1 today (Sunday). Saturday's work day was horrible. It was so hot. 90°F outside and 103°F inside the shop. We were all sweating and a bit grumpy. We made it through though. Today was just bad. I felt like I couldn't do anything right. I kept messing up orders or prices. I felt like a retard. I managed to get through the day. I was sore and tired. I have a sunburn on my back. I worked at my church's annual carnival on Saturday after work. I usually burn like crazy but I used tons of sunscreen like every 20mins. The only place I forgot? My back. Of course. I just hope it heals by Thursday. I'm wearing a dress for graduation rehearsels (we have to) so I don't want to have awkward red blotches on my back. Ew. Not cute. Anyway, now I'm laying in bed dead tired. Tomorrow I have my English final. Let's hope it goes well. Ugh. The pain of a sunburn.