My Very Own Skateboard

I woke up to a ray of sunshine hitting my face. Normal people might smile and begin to wake up. Me? I put a pillow over my face and begged for it to go away. For some reason, I didn't want today to begin. I eventually got up and left my house. I walked 2miles to work (in the almost unbearable heat) to pick up my pay. I then took the bus to meet Bambi. He was buying a longboard today. He chose which one he wanted then bought it. He and I then left the mall and found a quiet street to skate on. I now had my skateboard and he had his longboard. It was so much fun. It reminded me that we don't always have to be touchy to be happy around eachother. I can skateboard but not perfectly. Bambi is pretty good so he was showing me new techniques. It's so hot when he skateboards. I wonder why that is..All I know, is that he's mine. And I'm his. We had a lot of fun on our date. I then went home and dyed my hair. It went from being dark brown, green and pink to being red/auburn. Its so awesome. I love it. My mom did it for me. She's so good at it. I'm lucky to have someone who can do it for me without fucking it up.
After that, the day was pretty boring. Now, I'm in bed. Tomorrow I was going to meet Leo for lunch. Plans changed. I have an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon about my ankles. I've sprained and twisted them more than you could ever imagine. When swelling and pain become a part of daily life, something is wrong. So Leo and I rescheduled for Thursday. He's coming to my neighborhood. Now since I have my skateboard, I'm gonna teach him how to ride. He doesn't know it yet, because I'm surprising him with a skateboard lesson instructed by yours truely. It should be nice.
I don't know why, but the last few hours have really brought down my mood. Like, a lot. I'm so depressed right now. Why must my emotions always get in my way. All I want is happiness. In the end, what defines happiness?

Cleaning Lady

Today I was dreading going to work. I don't know why. It was only a 4hr shift after over a whole week of vacation time. I went into work and ended up having fun. The closing shift is always my favorite. It's easy to clean. I don't know why, but I'm also very good at it. I think it's because of my OCD tendancies. I often spend a great deal of time just cleaning one panel of glass. It makes me happy though. My boss sees I'm working hard, it keeps me busy, and it also keeps me from dealing with customers. When I'm cleaning, someone else usually helps customers. However, at the end of the day before closing, a customer is rare. It seems as if I just ranted about cleaning at my job. Isn't my life exciting?
Well, tomorrow I have a date with Bambi. He's finally getting his own longboard. He's been wanting one for a while. Now he gets his longboard, and I get my skateboard. Nice trade-off, right? Then, we're gonna eat lunch and skate together. I love summer. And since I don't work again till Friday, I have a lot of time to waste. Leo wanted to hangout this week. I'm going to meet him at a diner on Tuesday. It's just lunch. There we can talk and won't have much close contact. I'm hoping we can settle a few problems and figure stuff out. Is meeting him a smart idea? Of course not. Have I been known to make smart choices? Not really.

The Pointless Day

Today was another lazy day. I slept in late and my dad made me soup for breakfast. I relaxed and watched tv for a bit. I then vaccuumed and started laundry. My mom came home from work and said we needed to plan Father's Day tomorrow. I had totally forgotten. Oh well. So she and I went shopping for my dad and all was well. We came home and then did yardwork for my church. I'm not religious but I grew up in the church so I'm always actively involved. I'm on the Property Committee so I do a lot of outside work, cleanup and repairs with my parents. Today I mowed the two main lawns and helped my mom with whatever she needed done. I got home and watched a movie. 6 Souls. Not bad.
Oh, and did I mention that in the course of the day, Leo had a meltdown? He said he can't talk to me anymore because it only hurts and confuses us both. That is certainly true. However, I can't let go. Not yet. Or ever. Once an attachment is formed, its hard to break and in some cases, it may last forever. I think in the end he decided to stay and keep talking to me, but I'm not clear on it. I'm so depressed and tired. I'm hoping maybe a large amount of sleep will solve this. In the end, all we can do is hope.

Taste of Summer

The begining of the day was kinda boring. I went to school early at 7:30 to return some sheet music. Some of my junior/sophmore friends were happy to see me. I brought some of my chocolate peanutbutter cups. They loved it. After I finished my duties at school, I headed to a diner where I was meeting Bambi at 9. He lives 5 blocks away from the diner and was 20mins late. Go figure. Breakfast was a little awkward but I soon changed the mood using my girlie magic. We hung out for a while till 11, then the fun began.
I survived another drinking get-together. There were 8 of us at the party. Megan only had 6 beers. Bambi and I had to change that. We went back to Bambi's house and picked up some vodka, rum and whiskey shots. We brought it back to Megan's and the party got started. We all drank and took shots and made mixed drinks. We got drunk and fooled around. Bambi and I got a little frisky so we found the bathroom. Things were getting heated and I took my top off. I was totally topless and making out with Bambi. Megan picked the lock on the door and found us there. She yelled (jokingly) that she saw my boobs and stuff. It was kinda funny. The moment was ruined so I got my shirt and bra back on. We kept drinking. Kyle (my bestfriend practically brother) and I decided that we wanted pizza and hot wings. We ordered Domino's online and requested that the delivery guy wear a fancy hat. He didn't wear a fancy hat, but he still delivered us our food. Kyle and I ended up splitting 40 hot wings while drinking a beer on the floor. Classy. After lunch, we played sexy truth or dare. Some of the truths were really personal. Bambi revealed to everyone that he and I took eachothers V-cards. Romantic, right? (And for the record, we've only done it maybe 5 or 6 times. Not a lot.) Anyway, after we played that, we cleaned up.
Bambi and I then headed back to his house. We were both mostly sober by that point. We hung out for a bit and talked, nothing sexual. Those few hours are what I want my summer to be like. Chill, fun, relaxing and exciting, all in a few months time. After we got home, his parents drove me back to my house and I came back to reality.
My mom was kinda drunk when I came home. It was kinda ironic. I went to drink from her cup because I was thirsty as hell, but what did I get? A huge mouthful of margarita. Ugh. Don't get me wrong, I love a good margarita, but not after a whole day of drinking. I almost threw up. She thought it was hilarious. Now I'm exhausted and have a headache. Honestly, not the worst hangover I've had. I'll survive. But in order to survive, I need sleep. Goodnight.

¡Chocolate!

I've spent all fucking day melting chocolate and making homemade peanutbutter cups. Why? Because I'm so bored out of my mind. My brother stayed home from school today and helped me make the chocolates. He even came with me to the local CVS to get more chocolate to melt. I have to admit, the chocolates I made are pretty damn awesome. I even made some with coconut shavings inside. Those aren't perfected yet, but still taste good. My parents came home and said I needed to go to my brother's school concert. He plays the sax. He's actually not bad for only playing less than a year. So we watched the performance then came home. I kept making my chocolates. Leo called. We talked for maybe an hour but then I said I had to go.
I'm waking up early tomorrow to go to school. My choir director wants her music back so I'm going early into school to deliver it. Then, I'm taking the bus to a diner by Bambi's house for breakfast. After breakfast, we go to Megan's house for a drink. I'm excited. Tomorrow sounds fun. I only hope that I don't try to make out with a girl like the last time I drank in a group of friends. Bambi wasn't too happy about me kissing a girl. Most guys would like it, but go figure. Anywho, I need some rest. Keep breathing, and I'll keep posting.

Relaxing?

Where do I begin? I slept late today. Till around 10am. I was up late on the phone with Leo. I expressed some of my discontent about our meeting during the day. I called Leo when I woke up. He was in a Regents exam. He called me when he was done. He wanted to come over but I said no. I needed some time solo. He understood. We talked for over 3hrs. I hung up the phone and cleaned. Then, I made homemade peanutbutter cups and went on xbox. I played some Halo to release my tensions. Bambi and I talked while I played. He said our friend Megan is having a party on Friday. Alcohol will be provided. This is just what I need. Time to relax and let loose. I drink, yea. I have my own Jack Daniels and Jägermeister in my room hidden in a drawer. I haven't drank in a while. It should be nice to hang out and laugh.
After xbox, I showered. A nice, long, hot shower. It was so relaxing. I made some more peanutbutter cups and then turned on the tv. It's been such a lazy day.
Remember Jojoe? He stopped speaking to me a little while ago. He wanted space. He said I took advantage of him. He was there to hold my hand when times got rough, but I wasn't there for him. It's not true. I was here for him, he just never showed me he needed it.  I didn't help because I didn't know. I feel like shit. I let him down. I'm so depressed. He's leaving me. Why? Because I neglected him. I took advantage of him. That's all I ever seem to do. Be selfish.

Yes. No.

First, let me apologize. I didn't blog yesterday. Why? Because my whole day was spent alone at home cleaning. It wasn't too exciting. There was nothing to update or discuss. Today, however, was different.
I met up with Leo today. We met at the mall and then walked to his house. He wore camo shorts. Camo always seems to suit him. So we went to his house and he grabbed a bag then we went to a park by his house. It was nice. In the bag there was a towel to lay down on, and some fruit salad to munch on. We sat and ate and talked. I played with bugs. They were cute. They kept crawling on my hands and up my arms. He and I then laid next to eachother on the blanket. It felt so wrong. But I wanted to do it. My brain said yes, my heart said no. I'm with Bambi. This is wrong. But I kept going. We continued to talk and smile. We then walked around the park more. I decided I wanted to climb a tree, so I did. Leo followed. He took out a knife and carved our initials into the tree. A typical boyscout thing to do I suppose. I also thought that it was usually something only couples did. He said he had carved his and M's initials everywhere before they broke up. It gave me the feeling that maybe I'm only a replacement or a stand-in for M. He says I'm not. I know I am. He may not realize it, but he's using me to pretend to still have M as a girlfriend. I'm forced to play into his fantasies because I'm afraid of breaking his heart. I know how fragile he is right now. He has moments of bliss and joy, but also moments of depression and sadness. M really fucked him up. But after I climbed the tree, he gave me a back massage on the grass. It was nice. I really needed to relax. The massage was firm but gentle. After that, it started to rain. We headed back to his house and I met his sister who's 15 (only one of his many siblings). She was nice, and kinda pretty. We talked then she went away. Leo and I went to his basement. Nothing happened. Just a lot of close contact and whisperings of passion. I took his knife and was playing with it. I wanted to see how sharp the blade was, so I cut my hand. I knew it would cut me. It was small but kinda deep. It stung, but in a good way. Leo was surprised how I cut myself with no hesitation. He shouldn't have been so shocked. After some more talking and whispering, I left his house. He walked me to my bus stop and shortly after, the bus came. I had an hour ride home to think about what had happened today. Leo kissed me all over. He even tried getting my lips multiple times but I avoided it. I got home and then talked to Leo more. I feel kinda strange about today. I loved it. I hated it. I want to do it again. Soon. How can I be so confused? I have a boyfriend. Pick the boyfriend, dumbass. Pick him. Not him. The other him. Yea, that one. I don't understand. I said I wasn't going to cheat. I made a promise to myself. I'm committed to Bambi. He is the man of my dreams. I love him. But. I love Leo too. What happens now? Any advice?