Feel the Blade

Today I worked the closing shift 12-4. Easy. I took the bus home and listened to music. I've really been listening to a lot of music lately. I was looking forward to my xbox time with Bambi.
I just got on Xbox maybe 45mins ago. I played a few rounds of Infinity Slayer (my kinda secret obsession) and talked to Bambi. Or at least tried. He was quiet and seemed distant. His mic is kinda fucked up so it would cut out sometimes or he wouldn't hear me. It got me frustrated. Angry. I cursed at Bambi and got annoyed. I didn't even want to speak to him anymore. I was giving him short answers with an attitude and cursing. He didn't appreciate it. He got mad at me then left the chat. I decided to just sign off. I don't care. He doesn't want to speak to me anyway. We were going to meet up tomorrow at the mall but I really just dont want to see him. For some reason, I'm really mad. Furious even.
It's times like these where I see my anger issues come to light. The smallest things can set me off and fill me with unexplainable rage. When I'm angery like this, I usually cut to release the anger. I haven't cut in a few months. I can still see the scars but they're faint. They healed well. I promised that I wouldn't cut again. You can never really understand why people cut until you do it yourself. The release of emotion I feel goes beyond words. However, it's like a drug. You begin to like the pain and enjoy it more and more. I caught myself before it got too bad. Bambi wasn't as lucky. His cutting problem is worse than mine. He hasn't done it in a few months either. I'm proud of him. But, there is part of me that wants to cut again. Just to take out my knife, and feel the blade against my skin. I'm sick. I'm beginning to seriously think about seeing someone for my emotional and mental problems.

Sweet Pea

Monday was a fun day. I hung around my house for some much needed relaxation. I slept till 10, did some cleaning, then went for a walk. I felt accomplished. Usually I would just watch TV all day and be lazy. I'm trying to be more active and healthy. I got home from my walk and took a long shower. Nothing really beats the feeling you have when you accomplish something.
Bambi and I met up for dinner at 6. As soon as he saw me, he picked me up and squeezed me tight. It was so cute. We laughed and talked through dinner. Never a dull moment. We went and saw Monster's University after dinner. We were both laughing a lot. I recommend it. We finished off the night with ice cream at a local Haagen Daz place. We took the bus back to my house where my mom said she would drive him home. On the short walk from the bus stop to my house, I kissed him. Out of no where I turned around, grabbed his face and kissed him. He smiled and said he loved me. It felt so romantic. Kissing on a sidewalk on a quiet street only illuminated by a faint street light. His arms were around me and his hands rested by my waist. I felt so in love. Even after over a year of dating, we can still have a cute date where the conversation never goes dry. I think Bambi might be The One. I really love him with my whole heart. He is my Sweet Pea. He'll always be mine.

All Apologies

I've been a bit busy lately. I worked Friday, picked up and extra shift on Saturday, then worked the early shift today. Quite the busy bee. Every shift was relatively easy. Today was annoying because Bob was up my ass about everything. LD (my coworker who sometimes works early shifts with Bob and I) actually told my boss that Bob and I should never work together. Bob just doesn't like me. I work hard, I really do. I get along with everyone but him. To be honest, Bob's opinion means a lot to me. I want his approval, but I know I'll never get it. Why does he hate me? I don't get it.
Bambi has been kind of strange lately. Quiet and distant. He says he misses me. I miss him too. We're going out tomorrow to see Monsters University. It should be fun. I'm hoping that he cheers up when I see him. His smiling face is so infectious and cute. He has muscles, chest and facial hair, and a big body structure. Pair that with his chubby cheeks, blue eyes and adorable laugh and you got the perfect mix of cute and sexy. I feel more in love with him now than ever. Leo texted me the other night. He was apologetic and felt bad for calling my house and causing trouble with my mom. I feel so distant with him. Maybe I'm actually trying to move on. I don't know. I still love him and care about him. I hate how I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I hate myself for playing the fence. Not deciding. I want everyone to be happy. Including me. Am I selfish?

To Be Content

I usually don't post twice in one day but something weird just happened. Bambi and i were on Xbox like we normally would be this time of night. He left to do something for maybe 5 mins and in that period of time, I got super depressed. No idea why. I couldn't cheer myself up and neither could he. I hate how I have these bouts of depression for no apparent reason. Things are really getting to me. I wish I could forget all my problems. I want to always be happy, or at least content. Why can't I be normal?

Fly Me to the Moon

Alrighty. I gots my new phone. HTC Thunderbolt. Is not bad so far. It's totally touch screen so there no keyboard. It's kinda slowing me down but I got this. It's so awesome. I've never had this kind of phone before. I feel very fancy typing with the screen keyboard.
Any who, work yesterday was ok. Bob wasn't there. Thank God. It was a good shift. No major problems or complaints. The boss was on vaca so it was a chill environment. Later I went to va baseball game with Bambi, his family and his youth group. He's not religious but he has friends in that church, so we hang out ball together sometimes. The night was fun. My family came too and it was fun for all of us. Since it was the 3rd of July, the baseball game had fireworks at the end. It was so sweet to be kissing Bambi with fireworks and Frank Sinatra in the background. I felt so complete and happy with him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
You know what's weird? Leo hasn't been crossing my min as often as he used to. He hasn't emailed me back. I sent him an email apologizing for the rude email I sent telling him to go fuck himself. He's probably mad at me. Understandable. But should I persue him any more or is the ball in his court now?

Lost Ticket..

Today has been a boring day stuck home all alone. Again. No cell phone, no decent computer, nothing good on tv and no human contact besides my family. I'm slowly going crazy. Tomorrow I have work from 6-12. I have to be up at 5:30am. I haven't been up that early in at least a month. I'm gonna be tired as hell, and have to deal with Bob. He's the last person I want to see right now. I can't deal with his bullshit. I heard that he's been in a good mood lately. No idea why, but I don't care. I just hope he doesn't get on my nerves like he normally does. I can't handle his bitchy attitude.
After work, I have a baseball game with Bambi, his family, and his youth group. Sounds fun but I lost a ticket. I need 4 tickets, but only have 3. Bambi said it'll be fine. I'm texting him now via my mom's phone but he hasn't told me how to get into the stadium without a ticket. I'm more stressed than I should be about this. I just need to relax and have a good time with Bambi and his friends. Maybe that'll take my mind off of the craziness that is my life.

Fix Me

So last night after I posted here, I just hung out around my house bored as usual. Around 8:30pm, my home phone rings and my mom picks it up. She says it's for me. It's someone named Leo. My heart dropped when she said it was Leo. Why was he calling my house? Does he understand what he has just done? So he and I spoke on the phone for maybe 15mins, then he assumed something was wrong and said goodbye. My mother wouldn't let me leave her sight while I was on the phone. She was listening in on our conversation. She only heard what I was saying to him, but I made sure that anything I was saying was very neutral and didn't give away much information (I mostly just said things like "yes" "no" "I guess" "kinda"). I hung up the phone and my mother didn't waste a second. She began questioning me and giving me harsh looks. I didn't want to tell her who it was. Leo isn't his real name, it's a pseudonym I use for him on here and if he and I talk in public so no one will know who he is. My mother became angry at me, and even hostile. I told her who it was. It all went downhill from there. She accused me of cheating and being dishonest. She came as close as she could to calling me a whore without actually saying it. I gave her an attitude to piss her off. I didn't want her opinion or thoughts on the matter. I didn't care, and I made that perfectly clear to her. She babbled and ranted for a while. Once she was done, I said nothing.
I went and took a hot shower. I thought of Leo and why he would call my house. It was so uncalled for, and crossed a line. He knows my phone is broken, I explained it to him in a quick email I sent a few days ago. There was no need to call me. He knows how uptight my mom can be, and he only made my situation so much worse.She thinks I'm a slut. It hurt me to think that my mother actually suspects me of cheating. I'm not cheating. I promise I'm not. I care for Leo with all my heart, but not in a romantic way. Not anymore. I just showered and tried to forget about it. I thought about Bambi and how I want to talk to him. After I showered, I curled up in bed with my DS and played Animal Crossing (one of my favorite games). I played for about 2hrs till my family went to bed.
I got out of bed around 11 and went downstairs to play Xbox. Bambi was on. I was happy. He could tell when we were talking that I was a bit sad. He inquired why and I told him I had fought with my mother. It's nothing new, so he didn't pry into the subject. I played Halo, and he played Sonic. We talked and laughed. He always makes me feel better. We kept playing till around 4am, then we signed off. I went to bed and passed out. I woke up this morning around 11 and used my desktop computer to write Leo an email. I told him to go fuck himself. Was that a little too harsh? I don't know. Maybe. Is now the time to seperate from him? He wanted to split up in the first place, so I would only be revisting his plan.
I'll see how the day(s) progress. Maybe he'll write me an email soon. I want to see his side of this. I want to leave him, yet I want to stay and fix him. He's so fucked up and broken. But so am I. Maybe I need to focus on myself before I try to fix him. Ever heard of the song Fix You by Coldplay? It makes me cry every time. I think of how broken I am. Where are the lights that will guide me home? The only thing I have left to live for is Bambi. Maybe he will be the person to fix me. Leo lost someone he can't replace. He lost M, and now can't find anyone else to love. I'm the only person who is willing to love him back. He doesn't love me for me, he loves me because I can reciprocate love. He says I am like his girlfriend sometimes, but I don't see it like that. I feel like his mother. The loving mother that he also does not have. Sometimes we need to teach lessons through tough love. I need to let Leo go. I've done all I can for him at this point.
Bambi just called my house phone. We only talked for 10mins, but he still made me smile. I love him. I truly do love him. One day, he will guide me home. He will make me whole again. I am certain.