Tears Stream

I've been so depressed. It's hard to bring myself to write on here. I cant motivate myself. I guess this is just another wave of depression. It will pass. Soon.
Bambi came over on Tuesday. I was too scared for anal. I couldn't do it. I felt bad. I told him to just do regular sex. He looked somewhat disappointed but forgot about anal. We started to have sex and it hurt. It never hurt before, so why now? We've only had sex maybe a handful of times, but I was at least somewhat used to it. This time, the pain was immense. I thought if I held out, it would get better. It didn't. I kept going though. I was almost crying. I couldn't take it anymore and I pushed him off of me. He asked what was wrong. I was shaking and just curled up into a ball. He asked me again what was wrong.I just stayed quiet and tried not to cry. I calmed down and told him that it hurt. He apologized profusely and asked if he could do anything. He cared. That was nice. But in the back of my mind, I had guilt. Why couldn't I let him finish? I couldn't give him anal, nor regular. I'm not good enough. I couldn't make him happy. He insisted he was OK, and that he didn't mind. He felt bad for hurting me. I felt bad for failing him. I still feel bad. I want to be perfect for him and give him everything he wants. That night, he fell asleep before we got to play Xbox. I played alone. In the middle of a Halo 4 online match, I broke down. I cried. I had no one to talk to. Bambi was asleep and Leo didn't pick up his phone. I decided to text Bambi's brother. He talked me through it and made me feel better. He went to bed and so did I.
The day after, I was even more depressed. I didn't want to talk to him. I watched TV all day and did nothing. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't motivate myself to move. I stayed home and did nothing. I ate a lot of food. Emotional eating I guess. Not exactly healthy. As I'm writing this, I'm eating a bowl of KFC mac n'cheese. It baffles me how I'm still able to keep a decent figure.
Today, I had work. I worked with Joey. It was fun. We make a good team. I spent about half my shift in the back washing dishes. My hands feel almost raw. Bert has been fooling around with me a bit more lately. It makes me feel included. I only saw him fuck around with Jena and Billy and those people. Jena is gone for the summer, so maybe he's substituting me for her. Or maybe he's actually starting to like me. It fun being able to mess around at work. Joey and I screw around a lot sometimes too. Like I said, we make a good team. He offered me a ride home today. I declined. I kinda regret declining the offer, but oh well. I wanted some time alone listening to music. Music is like a safe haven. It makes me smile and puts me in a good mood. Tonight I'm going to be up late. I'm going to play some CoD and Halo. I'm going to listen to music. I'm going to be happy.

Anything to Make Him Happy

Working 10-4 was easy. I closed the shop by myself. Usually there's 2 main people there and Albert who does the dirty work in the back. This time it was only me and Albert. I had to tell Albert what to do and when to do it. I was nervous about fucking it up. LD wrote me a list before he left that day. I followed the list and completed each task. Or so I thought. I told Albert to make ice but I guess he didn't understand. I also left some excess money in the register by accident. Both of these were not the biggest mistakes but I was still embarrassed that I didn't do it right. Oh well.
Yesterday was a boring day. I just hung around the house and did nothing. Bambi and I were planning for today. Today he's coming over since I have the house to myself for a few hours. We're probably going to have sex. But he also wants to try anal. I personally hate butts with a passion. However, he has a butt fetish. I told him over a month ago that we would try anal. I'm worried. I know it'll hurt and I'm not sure if I'll even like it in the end. I'm always willing to try something once, including this. But just because I'm trying it, doesn't mean I'm not scared.

What of the Future?

Shit. I've been putting this off. So much has happened. I've been too depressed and angry to write.
Wednesday and Thursday were spent thinking about the future. I'm seriously considering going into the Air Force. I'm a smart girl, I could do it. The qualifications are bare minimum. Most jobs I looked at only require a high school diploma and 15 college credits. Some require a college degree, but not many. The Air Force seems like a good choice. It teaches useful skills, discipline and carries a lot of weight. If I ever apply to a job and say I was in the Air Force, the job is almost guaranteed for me. I spent those couple days thinking and researching. It certainly is a strong possibility for the future. I spoke to Leo about the Air Force. He was worried but supported me. He said how he and I had a lot in common with our desires for the future. I also talked to Bambi about it. He was against it. He's worried for me, which is understandable. He wouldn't say much on the subject. He's avoiding the conversation. He's really worried.
I woke up late for work Friday morning. I was rushing out of the house and barely made it to work on time. I came home to find Erik using my personal remote and headset for the Xbox. I don't like him touching my things. He never washes his hands and always has a weird smell. He leaves a film on everything he touches. Needless to say, I was angry. He knows not to touch my remote and headset. I usually bring it up to my room but I had forgotten to bring it upstairs the night previous. My mistake for leaving it there, however, he should respect my property. He's always bragging about how much money he has. Why doesn't he just buy a nice headset like mine and shutup? I get possessive over things like that so I got angry. My mom said she would speak to him about it. That never happened. Ever since then, I've been mad and depressed.
I went to work Saturday morning and I was actually in a good mood. Bob wasn't there and everything went smoothly. I was happy and laughing at work, but when I got home, it went back to sadness. I ate lunch alone while my parents watched TV. I wanted to nap in the AC in the living room but no. After a 6-1 shift, I can't sleep in the cool room. I curled up on the couch next to my mom and was rather uncomfortable. I wanted to stretch my legs. My ankle was sore. I was exhausted. I had to stay confined to 2 square feet on the couch. Awesome. I slept on the couch Saturday night because my room doesn't have AC. Thanks parents.
Sunday I worked the early shift yet again. No Bob, but a slightly busier day at work. I came home exhausted. Again. My mom wanted to watch a movie. I wanted to nap. I stayed up to watch a movie with her. She had good intentions. We then watched a second movie. I was passing out. After that movie, I showered and we ate dinner. Erik had a friend over. His friend was so I'll mannered. The way he ate appalled me. We had steak that he tried cutting with a fork and spoon. Seriously? It annoyed me.
Now I'm in bed. I'm working 10-4 tomorrow. I'm taking the bus to work so I need to be up a little earlier than normal. 9am alarm. 9am is a lot better than waking up at 5:30am. I still cant help but think about the future though. I feel like I'm in a bad wave of depression right now. Maybe I can sleep it off. My body will hopefully appreciate the rest. God knows I need it.

Short Stuff

Today gas been a good day so far. Work was easy. Joey and I bonded a bit and he gave me a ride home. He calls me Short Stuff and I call him Boy Wonder. During the day today, he and I had numerous back-and-forth 'arguments'. It's fun working with him. He helped me throughout the day handing me what I needed or whatever. I didn't like him at first, but I think I just jumped the gun. I'm working with him again on Friday. I'm not gonna lie, he's kinda cute and funny, but we're both in relationships. No funny business.
Now that I'm home from work, I'm going to relax and watch TV. I have the next 2 days off work. I need to find something to do. My face is sunburnt from Warped Tour so I don't want to go out and have people see my crazy face. Maybe I'll stay home and tan my body. Maybe I'll make some of my chocolate candies. Maybe I'll make myself some twisted tea. Yesterday I mixed 1/3 Snapple and 2/3 Jagermeister then put it in a cup with some ice. It was enough to relax me but not enough to make me silly. Who knows. Short Stuff will occupy herself somehow. Probably.

Fight and Make Up

Wow. I haven't posted in a few days. My bad.
Work on Sunday went pretty smoothly actually. Bob wasn't there, apparently he's on vacation. Hopefully he never comes back. I got home from work and my mom gave my family a whole spiel about how we never clean the house or do chores. I vacuum every couple days, scoop the cat box when she asks and feed the kitties very night. I at least try. So I sat through her rant, quickly ate a bagel, then started cleaning. Erik passed me multiple times saying how I should get to work and actually do something. It pissed me off. I do more than him on any given day. Also, I was up at 5:30 that day to work a 7hr shift. He has no consideration and it pisses me off. We finished cleaning for the day and relaxed.
Today I had the house to myself. I dusted and vacuumed again. I did dishes and took care of the cats. I washed my bed sheets too. It seems I got a lot done. Yet, I was still bored. Nothing to do. Bambi and I got into a fight and he was ignoring me. Childish but it's just how he is sometimes. I texted Mimi and talked to him for a bit. It was nice catching up. I got on Xbox and Bambi and I fought once more. I ignored him now.
Leo called and we spoke for over an hour. He misses me. The more I speak to him, the more I miss him too. I told him I loved him for the first time since we argued a few weeks ago. It felt weird saying it, but it's still true.
Bambi and I are getting along again. We got over it. We can never stay mad for too long. We're both stubborn so we argue a lot sometimes, however, we always make up. We will always be strong. We will always be a team.

Modern-Day Woodstock

I'm exhausted. The concert was nothing less than awesome. It was like a big music festival that went from 11am to 9pm. We got there at 10:30am and didn't leave till around 6:30pm. We were all tired and worn out. The festival had mostly metal/death core/screamo kind of music. I thought I wasn't going to like it, but to my surprise, I actually kinda maybe enjoyed it. Bambi, Antonio (his brother) and their friend Sonja were there also. We all jumped and rocked along with the music. Each of us was kicked and punched and tossed around a bit, but it was all in good fun. The sun was beating on us and we were covered in sweat (including other peoples' sweat). It felt kinda good to just let loose and have fun.
The smell of weed was everywhere. It made me think of a kind of modern day Woodstock. Every one just chilling out, smoking weed and enjoying music. I'm definitely going again next year.
Now, it's time to sleep. Like I said, I'm exhausted. I need to be up at 5:30 for work. I'm working with Bob. I really hope the happiness from the concert today will carry on into tomorrow.

Billy Bagels

There hasn't really been much to write about lately. Although, Leo called me last night. We spoke for about half an hour. It was kinda nice hearing his voice. Every time I pull away from him, I find myself wanting to go back. He's going to call again tonight in about an hour. He seems very eager to tell me all the happenings of camp. He was almost like a child showing off what he does and how cool he is. It's kinda cute.
Today I worked 10-4. It was a good shift. Billy and I talked a bit. He asked me for advice on his relationship. He's going to FL and leaving his gf behind here in NY. He and I seemed to bond a bit. I've always liked him, but only recently did I actually get the feeling of being good friends. We call eachother nicknames. I call him William or Billy Bagels. It's always fun working with him. I opened up to him about my dislike of Bob and how he makes me feel insecure. Billy said to just "fuck Bob. Ignore him." I wish I could. But Billy seemed to sympathize with my situation. I told him I'm considering quitting because of Bob. Billy said to just stand up for myself. Maybe I will. Who knows. After work, he offered me a ride home. It was raining and I had to take the bus. I accepted the offer. We drove and joked about customers at work and bad drivers. He dropped me off in front of my house and I thanked him. It was nice of him to drive me.
Tomorrow I have a concert with Bambi, his brother, and his girl friend. It's called Warped Tour. I'm excited for it. I'm hoping I'll have fun with Bambi and bond with his brother and friend. Now I'm going to shower, and play a mind-numbing amount of Halo. Wish me luck on my coming adventure that is Warped Tour.