Tales of Times Past: Adrick/Jennifer

I wish I could have blogged this when I first woke up. I had a strange dream last night. It was vivid and felt so real. It was about Jennifer (I will give you a backstory of who she is after this tale). The dream began where I was at home. Someone rang the bell and it was Jennifer. I was confused, but greeted her. She said I looked cuter in person than in photos. We continued talking and I think she stayed at my house for a couple days. We grew to know each other and developed a friendship. I don't remember much detail, but I remember we got along well. My alarm went off and I was confused. I looked around for Jennifer, but couldn't find her. I remembered who I was, and realized it was a dream. I got ready for work (still dazed and confused from the dream), and began my day.

*Now for the backstory. This is going to take some time, so I'll type it all out here then do a recap at the end.*

Jennifer is the sister of an ex of mine. The ex's name is Adrick. Adrick and I met online in a chat room. I just used them to occupy myself, and I happened to find someone who was actually interesting. We talked for a couple hours on the anonymous chat site, then decided to exchange our Facebook info. Before we knew it, we were talking more and more. We were talking 24/7, and I began to like him a little more than I should. There was only one problem. Adrick lived in Ohio. I live in New York. When I met Adrick online, I was going out with a guy named Zack. Zack was abusive and didn't really care about me. After I wouldn't let him in my pants, he dumped me. Adrick was there by my side comforting me and telling me it would be ok. I told Adrick everything. My problems, my secrets, and anything that was on my mind. Eventually, I asked him out. I acting upon a crazy impulse and decided to do it. We got together, and were extremely happy together. Adrick had his own problems though. His older sister, Jennifer, was a severe anorexic who was in and out of the hospital. She is due to marry her fiancé soon, whom Adrick didn't like. Jennifer was actually on the show Say Yes to the Dress a few months ago. I've had a dream about her before, but that too was confusing. I'm unsure of what this one means either. She's pretty, but a bit mean at times. Maybe I think we're similar? Anyway, Adrick's parents were divorced. His step-mother was a bitch. He lived with his biological mom, who didn't have much money to spare, and his younger sister who was a bit of a brat as I recall. Adrick was very smart, and his grades were amazing. He has a high IQ and could do almost anything he wanted. He was going to Ohio University, but his grades plummeted due to depression and he was kicked out. I was helping him get back on his feet and continue on. We helped each other out, but our relationship ended badly. While in a relationship with Adrick, I started hanging out with Bambi. I fell for Bambi and chose to break it off with Adrick. I felt horrible about it, and he was devastated. He was filled with rage and hatred for me. He became suicidal and would send me pictures of him cutting. He even carved my name into his thigh. The last text message I got from him said he was going to jump in front of a truck. After that, I got no messages or replies. I didn't know whether he was still alive or not. It was maybe a year or so ago that I went to his FB page (after being blocked from it), and saw him being tagged in a status or a photo. I know he's alive, and that comforts me. But is he well? I often wonder how he's doing. Some days I just want to message him and see how he is. But I know I can't. It's the same with Leo. I want to fix what I did, but I can't. It sucks. We all make choices, and have to live with the consequences. The baggage of making someone harm themselves will always stay with me.

*RECAP*

• Adrick is my ex
• Jennifer is Adrick's older sister
• I've never met either one of them
• This isn't my first dream about Jennifer

Just Another Weekend

I've been busy with work. Saturday I worked with Bob for a bit, then closed with Kevin. Bob gave me a hug and a kiss before he left as a late birthday present. It was kinda funny, and cute. Kevin and I closed solo with Albert. Matt stopped by to get some bagels, and I was up on a ladder. As Matt walked by, he said he was tempted to smack my ass (it was about eye-level with him). We continued some small banter, then he departed. We kept working, and finished closing on time. Kevin was nice enough to drive me home. I really like Kevin. He offered me a ride without even my asking. I thought that was nice. Then we talked a bit on the way to my house and blasted some Eminem. My dad seemed protective over the fact that a guy was driving me home, but he got over it I think.
Today I worked an early shift with Bob and Ray. It went pretty quickly, and wasn't too hard. Joe, Kevin, and Matt came later and we worked till I left at 1. I wish I could work with them all together more. I got home exhausted and my mom insisted I dust. I did, and she vacuumed. She took a while and even missed a few spots. I guess that's why she wants me to do it. I'm more efficient. We watched a movie (Mothman), and then went out to eat for my brother's birthday. He and I are exactly 7yrs and 7 days apart. He turned 11 today. We ate and talked and laughed as a family. We opened gifts when we got home. I got a Led Zeppelin CD, 2 tickets to any Broadway show I wanted, and some other smaller things. I liked it. Now I'm in bed. I should get some rest. I have work 6-11 tomorrow. Kevin doesn't come in till 10, so I'm working solo till then.

As a sort of side comment, I've been thinking more and more about Leo. I want to reach out to him. I don't know why, but I do. I don't hate him, only dislike what he's done to Bambi and I's relationship. With him in my life, it's nothing but stress all the time. I've enjoyed the stress-free feeling, but now I miss him. I've mentioned this before, but even if we were to start speaking again, we would never be the same. I ended things on bad terms, and things can't be fixed. I'll see where the future leads, but right now, he still crosses my mind. Leo, if you're reading this, I still care about you. I care about what we had. I told you that I had a tendency of lashing out. What I did was right, how I did it was wrong. All good things come to an end. I only hope you can understand.

Dates and Bananas

Yesterday was my date with Bambi. When I woke up, my mom and brother were still home. Apparently my mom's car broke down so they couldn't leave. My mom wanted me to stay home and watch my brother while she went to work (using a rental car). I told her I couldn't, and left. I was running a bit late, but met up with Bambi. We ate and then began shopping. I found no earrings (which was slightly disappointing), but I went 50/50 on a gift for Antonio. Bambi had met a girl at a skateboard shop in the mall while he waited for me (she's an employee). Initially I was jealous, but I got over it. He seemed to like her and told me their conversation in detail. We went back to the skateboard shop and he said hello to her and introduced us. She seemed nice enough, but as we walked around the store, Bambi and her kept commenting on different things and smiling at each other. They were flirting. It got me kinda upset, but I didn't let him know. She's just an acquaintance that he'll probably never see again. There's no point in making a big deal out of it. We kept wandering and browsing stores. Eventually I had to go home. That girl lingered in the back of my mind. If we go back to the shop and she's there, I really don't want them talking and  stuff like they did yesterday. It was weird and made me feel kinda uncomfortable.
Today was really nothing special. I woke up and went to the phone store to see about upgrading my phone. I'm not due till August, and my phone is crap right now. I guess I just have to deal with it until then. My mom and I watched tv then a movie. It was a lazy day I suppose. Once everyone went to bed a couple hours ago, I got kind of horny. It isn't often I get that horny, and I certainly don't touch myself as much as normal people do. But I decided to experiment. I put a condom on a banana and created a ghetto dildo. It worked pretty effectively. Sex till hurts a bit which is weird, but I guess it's better to have a tight vagina than a loose one. I just laid back on my bed and went for it. It felt good, almost like if it were Bambi. I tried to do at least a little anal to prep for when he does it. I got a finger in (which is actually progress). Anyway, enough about my sexuality. I'm not too fond of talking about masturbation. Sex I'm fine with, but for some reason masturbation seems to always be weird. Maybe I'll discuss some of my sexual-ness tomorrow. Goodnight, and wet dreams.

Winter

Yesterday, I worked my early shift. It was bitter cold with a windchill of -15F. I wanted to die. My boiler gave out in the night, so my house was FREEZING when I woke up. I was exhausted and didn't sleep well that night. I arrived at work and Matt noticed my exhaustion. He and I worked together nicely and enjoyed some banter back and forth. There were too many customers, but most were just getting cups of hot coffee to survive the cold outside. Matt found out I was bi-curious and we compared our preferences (I love red-heads by the way). The shift went quick and I left at 11. I came home, watched tv, and then passed out for 4hrs. I stayed up somewhat late and played CoD with Bambi. I went to sleep and once again the boiler decided to fail. As I went to sleep at 3am, my house was like an igloo. I curled up into a tight ball, cuddled my stuffed animals, and covered myself with 3 blankets. I eventually went to sleep and woke up around 11:30. I watched some anime, then got dressed. I visited Mr. Caster and we watched a movie called King's Row with Ronald Reagan. I love Reagan. He held my exact political views, and was actually a great actor. Viva la Reagan Revolution. I traveled home in the cold, drank numerous cups of tea to keep warm, and relaxed.
Bambi was supposed to come over tomorrow. We were going to hang out and get busy. We haven't really done much since I got hurt back in August. I miss being intimate with him, and he misses it too. Everything seemed fine, but then I found out my mom wasn't leaving the house until 1pm. This is kinda late and doesn't leave much time to do anything. So Bambi and I decided to just go on a date to the mall. We're gonna eat at Applebee's and shop. Antonio's birthday is on Monday and I have yet to get him anything. So I'm going to see what I can find at the mall. Plus I want some more earrings for my cartilage piercing. Tomorrow is going to (hopefully) be a fun and productive day.

Birthday Girl

January 5th marked a very important occasion. It was my 18th birthday. I was fairly uneventful for such a big milestone. I worked 7-1, then Bambi met me for a light lunch. We headed back to my house and hung out together (and eventually my brother found his way into the group). We hung out for a few hours then went to my favorite diner, The Omega. I ordered Strawberry Blintzes for dinner and had a heavy chocolate mousse dessert with Bambi. We headed home and Bambi and I watched some YouTube videos together. Eventually, we drove him home and I returned to my house exhausted. I just wanted to sleep forever. I decided to stay up and talk to Bambi and watch tv. Then I messaged my cousin Billy. I wanted to finally start setting up that party for my birthday. He asked if I wanted anything specific. I left it all up to him. Now I'm just waiting to hear back about when/where the party is gonna be. The only problem is convincing my parents to somehow let me disappear for a night. I'll figure it out hopefully.
Today I did nothing. I woke up, went back to sleep, woke up, went back to sleep, woke up, then watched some anime. I've been in my pjs all day, and I didn't accomplish much. I kinda like lazy days. I had the house to myself and enjoyed the peace. No arguing or loud footsteps or nagging. I took a long, hot shower and listened to OneRepublic. It was relaxing. I needed today off. I probably should have cleaned my room. It's a bit of a mess.
Tomorrow I'm working 6-11 with Matt. I worked with him on Sunday and it was fun. He and I are working solo tomorrow for 4hrs. I hope we make a good team. I'm not really dreading work, but looking forward to it.

Vroom

I accomplished one of my long time goals. I got my driving permit yesterday. I spent a little over 2hrs in the DMV, but got 19/20 questions correct and earned myself a permit. I was thrilled. I've wanted to learn how to drive for years. I always thought it would be so much fun, and it would bring more freedom. I didn't drive the day I got it because there was a bad snow storm blowing through. But today, I drove. My mom took me to a parking lot after it got dark. She told me how to move the wheel and shift into park and drive. Then she told me to do a loop around the lot. I took it slow, but I did it. I was so thrilled to drive. My mom made me repeat the loop numerous times and tried to get me to feel comfortable behind the wheel. My mom drives a larger vehicle (a GMC Terrain), so I felt small behind the wheel. But I finally was able to drive. Once the weather gets back to normal (in a couple days), my driving lessons will commence. My parents will teach me the basics and how to drive decently. Then when Spring arrives, I'm signing up for an official Driver's Ed class. I'm so excited. I wanted to message everyone I knew about how I got my permit. I thought of Leo and how happy he would be for me. I quickly left that thought behind. I never asked Kevin his opinion on my situation. I got shy. Maybe I'll muster up the courage to ask him soon. In the mean time, let me focus on driving. Vroom vroom.

(Happy?) New Year's

It's New Years. It's officially 2014. I told myself I would make the decision about Leo here and now. I decided to do it. I pasted the message into his Facebook chat. I couldn't hit send. My heart was racing and I kept thinking about the outcomes. I don't want this message to open communication between us. I don't want to send the wrong message. This is about Adri and nothing else. I also know that if I send this message and get caught, I'll be in deep shit with Bambi. He, and everyone else, wants me to stay away from him. I get it. It isn't a good idea. But I keep thinking about what we used to be. Leo and I used to talk every day and share our opinions and experiences. I told him numerous times before that I don't like who I am. I can be cold and cut off emotion sometimes. I eventually did that to him. Now he sees how horrible of a person I can be. I hate myself for doing it, but I know why I had to do it. I had a purpose and a reason. No matter how much I try to convince myself I was right, part of me still doesn't believe it. I'm going to hold off on the message for now. I'll keep thinking about it, and maybe ask Kevin for his opinion on it tomorrow at work. This past year has been such a crazy up and down for me. 2014, please be nicer to me. Please.