Italian Soda

It feels like cloud nine when I'm with him. Although I've only met him a total of 3 times, I feel so comfortable with him. We have the same humor, enjoy the same things, watch the same shows, and have similar tastes in what seems like everything. He treats me like a princess. We're so alike, yet just the right amount of different to keep things alive. I talk to him all day and night. I ran on about 4hrs of sleep so I could see him early in the morning. As soon as I saw him, the fatigue faded and I was just happy. I don't need fancy dates or dinners or presents. Low-key lunches and sandals are all it takes to keep me happy. It only takes a few seconds of leaving him to make me want to go back for me. A few have said I'm out of his league, but really I think he's out of mine.

March Madness

Sometimes the worst part of my day is finally being alone at night. I like being alone and having time to myself, as do we all. But there are nights where my mind doesn't stop. My brain keeps thinking about the past. It amazes me when I think of all that I've been through. In my 20yrs of existence, a lot has happened. In the last 4yrs alone, I've had enough excitement, chaos, and emotion to last a lifetime. I've lived a double life, changed the course of my academic life, been hurt beyond comprehension, hurt others beyond comprehension, and just changed in so many ways. As I see my brother grow up, it all looks eerily familiar to me. He's exactly what I was when I was his age.  I made a lot of stupid choices and did things I regret, and I hate to think that he'd go down a path even somewhat similar to mine.
I just sit here typing away endlessly about my feelings, and never really do anything to back it all up. I have so much drive and motivation in life, but my own mind won't let me go. I get caught up in depression or too much happiness (if there is such a thing), and I just forget what I'm supposed to be doing. I opened my anatomy and physiology textbook and just looked at the pages. This subject fascinates me. Why don't I actually study it? I thought this was why I started taking my medication. It was supposed to help me stay level-headed. So much for that. I just hate being on the medications. To much of one and I'm out cold for 12hrs, too little of another and I can't concentrate. I used to belong to a group on Facebook for bipolar people. It was such a nice little community. I felt safe and like I could ask them whatever was on my mind. I was on there every day reading other people's posts and comments and seeing if anything related to me. But just like everything else in my life, it got taken away and shut down. My online support group was ripped from me. It's something so small and silly, but it was a big deal to me. I've been altering my dosage for one of my meds because it's making me too tired. And now I feel very hyper. I just want to start again from ground 0. But where is that going to get me? I'll end up right back where I am now.
See what I mean about my mind being left to wander? It sucks.

Misha

We've all heard the analogy of life being like a box of chocolates. Sometimes you get a piece that's your favorite, and other times you get that gross toffee shit no one likes. Today was a strange combination of both. I ended up completely forgetting about an Anatomy and Physiology test and had to somehow bullshit my way through. I got a C at best. This started my anxiety and stress about how important this semester is. I need to do well this semester in order to be accepted into the nursing program.
I talked to Josh about my worries and insecurities, and he has faith in me that I can turn it all around. I really think I found someone who is amazingly great to me. Almost like he knew I'd need it, he had ordered a little surprise for me that was due in the mail so that when I got home, I'd have a little present waiting for me. It was such a simple stuffed animal, but it really showed me he listens and cares and wants to make me happy. My parents are even taking a liking to him. I'm not used to having my parents approval on the guys I've dated so this is a good sign. My mom always said that you know you have a good man when you want to bring him around your family and show him off. I'd love nothing more than for my family to meet him and adore him as much as I do. Josh and I found a simple but sweet pleasure in each other. We can smile and laugh together. At the end of the day, it's laughter and sweet memories that get us through the gross toffee pieces.

Monti 506

I don't even know where to begin. So many things have happened, and so many chapters have ended. My life is no where near where I saw it being a year ago. A year ago I was pregnant, dealing with JP, failing in school, and feeling so overwhelmed by my life. Now I'm happy, confident in my studies, have an amazing new boyfriend, and trying to begin the latest and greatest chapter in my life.
I was hospitalized in August for 6 days. During that time, I was isolated from the world. I didn't see the sun or trees or feel the breeze on my face. I was in the bed next to the hallway, right by the nurse's station. I was hooked up to various IVs, had an oxygen feed into my nose, and experienced what it was like to lose total sense of what day or time it was. In a hospital, 4am is the same as 4pm. I never got more than 4hrs of continuous sleep. JP was there by my side. He slept there almost every night in the chair next to my bed. I'd fall asleep cuddling his arm and wake up to the nurse asking me for vitals. I would watch him sleep as I was poked with needles and given more stinging fluid in my IV. Somehow, watching him sleep comforted me. Those are the only memories I tried to remember of him. The good ones. However, even in the hospital he found ways to hurt me. He was convinced I had gotten sick from someone else and that it couldn't have possibly been him. I had gotten a UTI, but had no symptoms. Because of this, it wasn't treated. It got worse and worse until I couldn't take it anymore. JP was positive I had slept with some "dirty dick nigga" who gave me something. We got into multiple fights about it while I was in the hospital. But the worst one was when he stormed out of the room and threw something at me. It hit me in the face and made my nose bleed. I waddled to the bathroom with my IV pole in hand and just sat there, terrified he'd come back and hurt me again.
As time went on, the relationship only got worse. He had no faith in me, and I had too much faith in him. What ended our relationship for good was when I found out he had slept with someone else while also sleeping with me. He lied about it, and denied it until the end. Sometimes, you just have to give up on people. They end up hurting you more than helping you, and it sucks. We officially ended somewhere in February. What we had for the last couple of months wasn't even a relationship anymore. It was just friends who fucked. It became so meaningless to me.
I decided that I needed to leave all of the dead weight behind and start on my new life. I met this amazing guy, Josh. He's the sweetest, funniest guy in the world. He has such nice eyes and a smile that's infectious. We've only known each other for a couple weeks at this point, but we just click so perfectly. We have so much in common, it's mind-blowing. My parents seem to be ok with him so far, but they haven't met him in length yet. There's nothing about him they could possibly dislike. He lives across state lines, but it isn't very far at all. He's come to me, and I've gone to him. All I know is that I'm happier than I've been in a very long time. I'm working towards my nursing degree, have an amazing new guy in my life, and I just feel positive. Some parts of your life are always going to live deep in your heart and mind, but never forget that the past is the past. The past helped you grow, and the future entices you to keep moving onwards and upwards.

Coddle

As I cuddled up next to him, I could feel my sadness melting away. I had his warm body to my right, and a cool breeze from the air conditioning on my left. I was slightly turned in toward him, and I looked up at his face. He was relaxed, handsome, and his lips were the most perfect shade of pale pink. I could count the freckles dotting his face, and feel his chest expanding and contracting with each breath. I closed my eyes and settled into his embrace. I then felt his hand against my face. He cradled my cheek and pulled me closer. The way he held me was reminiscent of how one would coddle a newborn baby. I remember thinking how perfect it was at that moment, and I never wanted to move. I felt loved, protected, and like nothing else mattered. School didn't matter, work didn't matter, my parents didn't matter, and any concept of time constraints were thrown out the window. The only sounds were the soft hum of the AC and his steady breathing. His hand still on my face, I quietly drifted to sleep. The world was finally peaceful in that moment. I was his, and I loved it.

Waste of Time

As soon as I left my parent's room, I started to bawl. I was downstairs watching hours and hours of Maury because my depression is getting the best of me. I sat down there watching tv and reading some bullshit articles on my phone. My mother came downstairs and told me to come upstairs to her room. It was a little before 1am, maybe 20mins ago. I went to her room, and the lecture began. She told me I'm wasting my life and I need a plan B or I'll fail at everything. I've been wanting to apply to city jobs since they pay well and have great benefits. However, I missed the test for the last one, and this one I'm too shy to ask for a day off of work, so it's going to be hard to fit into my schedule. My mom said I'm avoiding these tests and don't want to do them. She's wrong, but still has a way of making me feel like a failure. Then she asked about my grades from school. I made up some bullshit story about how I hadn't gotten them yet just to buy time, but that excuse wasn't going to work anymore. I told her I didn't make my scholarship and she was angry. She told me my school's nursing program wouldn't accept me with that kind of GPA. She said I should take a semester off and "get [my] shit together", because I'm wasting her and my dad's hard earned money. The last thing I needed after days of depression was a speech on how badly I had failed. I'm aware of how much of a fuck up I am, I just don't want it thrown in my face. I can't help but cry. Even now when I'm writing this, my eyes fill with tears and I can feel them gently slipping down my cheeks. I hate this feeling I have inside. I feel so empty and worthless. I take up too much space and too much money. There are people out there who would kill to be in my position with school paid for, a bed to lay my head at night, warm food on the table each night, and a decent part time job. But despite all I have, I just can't make it work. I can't be who I've wanted to be for so long. I want to be successful and happy. I'm a failure and I'm depressed more than I've ever been in my life. It's times like now I wish I had a therapist to talk me through my own thoughts. But it seems I'm still here alone, as always.

No Sleep Till...

I thought depression was supposed to make someone sleep a lot. Lately, I've been restless at night. I'm constantly waking up and rolling around. Now on a day off from work, I'm up around 8:30 in the morning for no reason. I can't get back to sleep no matter how hard I try. My cat is cuddled between the edge of the bed and my back, and I have my stuffed animals in my arms. It's fairly quiet and dark in my room, and I'm mostly comfortable under the covers. So why can't I sleep? I'm exhausted with too many thoughts I suppose. My mind is racing, my heart feels heavy, and my stomach feels like it's on fire. This isn't how I want to live. I knew I shouldn't put my happiness in other people, but it's hard not to do that when you're in love. It seems I always end up alone and isolated. Maybe that's a testament as to how the rest of my life will be. It's sad and beyond depressing, but if that's what is meant to be, I can't change that.