Where [I] Belong

He has the most amazing way of calming me down. Both he and my therapist said that I need to stop blaming myself. I'm studying and doing all I can. I'm taking the necessary steps to recover. It isn't impossible and that's what I'm seeing now. My meds are out of sync and that's why my moods have been so bipolar (literally).
The weekend of Josh's formal is coming up. I'm looking forward to dressing up and feeling pretty. I haven't felt good about myself in a very long time. Having a night to not worry about everything is exactly what I think I need. I can't wait to see him dressed up and see us together. I want a nice perfect picture of us to put in my room. Whenever I get depressed or sad, I look at a photo album I have dedicated to Josh. It's selfies of us together, funny faces he'll send me, or just random pics I've gathered so far. We always seem to be sending each other things in the mail. I thought long distance would be difficult but it isn't that terrible. We talk all the time, Skype a few times during the week, then have our date nights on Friday. We make it work. I think I'm where I belong, finally.

Hamster Wheel

I'm not sure whether it's from my medication being out of whack or what, but I'm down. I haven't felt this disconnected in a while. I didn't do well on yet another A&P test. I studied and focused and did everything I could. I had the PowerPoints printed for each class and was always ready. I was confident about this test. I really was. He posted the grades 15mins after class ended and my world just crashed down. It isn't possible for me to recover anymore. Mathematically, it just doesn't work. I'm going to finish this out. I'm not going to quit. But I don't know where to go from here. There's a very slight chance I could make it still but given how much I already dedicate to it, I can't imagine how to get 100s, or even 90s. Josh told me that it isn't over yet and I need to keep working hard. I know he's right. I just need this internal feeling to go away. I feel disconnected and depressed and helpless. I don't know what's wrong with me but something has to change. Now.

Not on Drugs

Thursday was tough for me. It marked exactly a year since I parted ways with my Little Thing. It makes me so sad but at the same time I know bringing a baby into the world under the circumstances I was in wasn't ideal. Little Thing will always hold a special place in my heart. I never heard it it or felt it but I saw it and knew they were in there.
I told Josh all about the craziness of the last chapter of my life. He's so kind and caring, it's beyond my understanding sometimes. He's always giving me small things here and there that make me smile. A pair of socks, an old hoodie, candy, sweet things in the mail. Josh is just beyond words. I'm so lucky to have found him at this point in my life. He's so supportive and helps me in any way possible. He accepts me for who and what I am. I want to talk to him 24/7 but alas, that isn't reality.
I've spent the last little while studying and working. It's nice to study. It's hard but I can feel it making a difference. I'm trying to rest now after days of terrible sleep. I'm still a bit restless but I'm cuddling Josh's hoodie to hopefully make me sleep better. It still smells like him. It's clean and manly and so pure. I wouldn't trade him for anything in this world. He's too special for me to even think about losing him. Who was once a stranger is now my person for everything and anything. Life is funny like that.

Dark Blue

The street lights on my block were all changed from the standard yellow lights to a new LED system. They glow the prettiest shade of blue in the night. I read somewhere that installing blue street lights actually reduced crime and suicide rates. Blue has always been known as a very chill color. I think that's why I like it. I like to be calm.
I'm feeling stressed but I know I can still recover from the little stumble I've taken in my classes. Hard work and dedication are what it takes to get anywhere, especially into the medical arts field. I have to kick ass for the next couple months, then sit back and enjoy my summer. I'll have a new kitten, no stress, and a boyfriend with a pool. What more could a girl ask for? I knew school would be a stress but I wasn't counting on everything going to shit while in the process. I just have to pick up all the pieces and make up for the time I've lost. I have to get through the week successfully. I have to use my time wisely to study and better myself. My room is a semi-disaster and I know that cleaning helps depression and makes it easier to focus. I know this to be true from a couple of past cleaning binges. Little by little, I'm picking at my mess and clearing away the unneeded junk. If you think about it, it's like a metaphor for life. You can survive with the mess of stuff you don't need. But you won't be totally happy and free. In order to feel clean and motivated, the people around you have to be clean and motivated. We throw out the trash that takes up space and keep the things we absolutely need. This maximizes both efficiency and happiness. I have the happiness. I just need to make myself more efficient.

You're Always on My Mind

Friday's are sort of like Josh and I's date nights. I go out to Jersey and we spend the afternoon/evening together and enjoy the little time we have. Friday's are always my favorite day. I was running late for my lecture this morning and I ran out of the house in a hurry trying to catch my bus. Next thing I know, JP pulls up next to me. He changed a lot but he was still himself. I didn't say much. I let him talk and cry and talk some more. It must suck to be him but it's one of those situations where you really just don't care. Should I get pizza or chinese food? It doesn't make much of a difference. I've never been able to sit there and watch someone cry without getting upset myself. All I was thinking about was Josh and if I was late for lecture. JP reads my blog so I can guarantee he'll see this soon. You can't forget someone or the history you share, but you can let that person go.
Josh picked me up after my class today and took me to my doctor appointment. He insisted he come and get me since I've made a lot of trips out of state for him. We headed back to his place and I love being immersed in his life. Whether it be meeting his aid, his nephew, a family friend, whatever. Eating together and getting coffee together and discussing movies and laying my legs on his. It's all so small and insignificant, but yet it means the world to me. We saw a car show in the city and it was nice. I'm not a big car person but it was cool to walk around and window shop and daydream about being able to afford fun cars to play with. I held Josh's hand as we walked around and talked. It was just so sweet. He's so sweet. This new chapter in my life is so sweet. And it doesn't have anything to do with JP.

Emotional Staycation

I've been noticing how my mood has changed recently. The last couple weeks have been so nice. It's like an emotional vacation - but I know it'll last forever as long as I'm with Josh. The last couple years I lived in secret away from my parents and friends and hid JP and I from everyone. I lived a double life between what I could show to the world and what I had to hide. I'm finally starting to feel like a normal college student. Classes stress me out and it sucks, but that's my only stress. I don't have to hide an entire relationship. I don't have that burden anymore. I'm loving every second I have with Josh. Talking to him is so easy and he always manages to make me feel better no matter the circumstances. Distance sucks but we're making the best of everything we have together. My therapist has even noticed a change in my demeanor. I'm almost hyper now when I see her. If you compare that with my appointments only a couple months ago and difference is incredible.
Walking to my therapy appointment yesterday was nice. I had some time to myself and just listened to music while wandering the neighborhood. I was early so I decided to stroll around a little. The sky was so clear and blue. The breeze was gentle and made my hair blow a little behind me. The sun was shining on my face. I felt so happy and peaceful. I haven't felt that way in a very long time. Being able to look up to the sky and thank God for bringing me to this place. I've gone through hell and so much more, and I never saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Now I'm out of that tunnel and running as far away from that place as humanly possible. After all of what I've been through, I find myself by Josh's side. I can't think of anyplace I'd rather be.

Never Be Like You

Sometimes I can't help but think about the worst day of my life. When I'm in the shower and relaxing, sometimes my mind goes to that day. The way he peeked around the shower curtain so innocently and talked so gently. That changed as soon as I stepped out of the tub. I see his face constantly and remember the feeling in my heart and mind.
I try to replace those thoughts with thoughts of my present and future. I have an amazing guy by my side who shows me everyday how much he cares. Josh has a lot of ambition and I love it. He probably doesn't realize how much I think about him. I want to do everything and anything with him just to spend a little extra time together and make brand new memories. I can't wait until the summer. The amount of time we can spend together will easily triple and we may even spend whole weekends with each other.
I haven't heard from JP in over a week. No emails, no texts, no calls, no voicemails, no ringing doorbells. It's been silent. I thought for sure I'd miss it just a tiny bit but I was so wrong. It's nice not to have to worry about him. He's stuck with his mistakes and the life he created for himself. What am I stuck with? An amazingly handsome and sweet guy who treats me exactly how I've always wanted to be treated. I almost wish JP would read this blog. Salt in the wounds, you know? JP, if you are reading this, I hope you finally understand how serious I was. I told you that if you hurt me, I will be the coldest bitch you will ever meet. I would love nothing more than to have you roll some bagels for my wedding in a few years, and maybe even let you sit in the audience to make you see what you lost. You made your bed. You made my bed too. Unfortunately for you, you aren't the one sharing it with me.