All the Way Up

I just slightly missed the date but yesterday would have been JP and I's 2yr anniversary. I look back on that entire relationship and wonder what I was doing and why. I'm a completely different person now than I was even 6 months ago. I still have many flaws and quirks, but they're all embraced and loved. Every bump and bruise is met with a teasing comment instead of suspicion and doubt. Josh was almost like a gentle spring rain for me. He carefully watered me and encouraged me to grow. He didn't press for any details of my past or where I had been. He waited and let me talk to him in my own time. The layers have been peeling away faster than I thought possible. I feel cleansed. I don't know if that makes sense to someone not in my own brain. I feel truly happy and satisfied with my life as a whole. Of course it has its moments of chaos and stress, but I feel like I can handle that better. My medication decreased with my downer so now I'm a little more happy and slightly manic. I'd rather be happy and a little manic every once in a while than be sad and depressed. I feel like I'm slowly becoming who I'll be for the rest of my life. I've learned from my years of being a psychology major that peoples' personalities and traits don't fully develop until the early to mid-20s. I never thought I'd change, let alone in such a short period - but who am I to complain. I like this me better. I still need to work on things but nobody is perfect. I'm just lucky I found the person I can be imperfect with for a very very long time.

Observations

I've been noticing some changes in myself lately. I've had a lot of free time to think and evaluate how I've changed in the last few months. I've noticed myself being a lot more outspoken and willing to talk to people. Phone calls still scare me and so does contact with strangers. But I'm working on it and really think I've come far. I feel much more independent too. I can talk to whoever I want and not get shit for it from Josh. My parents are also giving me more space to do what I want. They respect the fact that I wake up early just to see my boyfriend on one of my few days off. They don't question much by way of when I'll be home either when I work with him in the city during the week. They know that the relationship I'm having is a real adult relationship. We both work and go to school and make time for each other. He finally met my parents and they liked him. They see that he's a normal and very sweet guy. He has so much potential as a professional and even more potential as a partner for life. I can't imagine anyone more perfect for me. He understands every aspect of me. It's like I met my long lost best friend who I wanna spend every day with for the rest of my life.
In contrast to the good, I've also noticed myself getting very emotional at very small things. A commercial where a woman is playing with her kids? Tearing up. Billboard with cute animals? Tearing up. Ads for wedding movies? Tearing up. I've been so emotional in the last couple weeks and I don't really get why. Nothing has changed that recently or made that major of an impact. It's just the smallest things that seem to illicit a reaction. It's odd to me because I usually have such a thick skin, especially to nonsensical shit I see every day. Just thought I would note that. It's interesting being able to think so much in depth about yourself. But with a full 24+hrs a week of boredom at work with Josh, there's only so much internet a mind can take. Self-reflection is healthy to a point. I just hope I don't cross that point and end up driving myself mad. I'm rambling at this point and I can a kitten batting at my head. I'll continue to over analyze myself at a later date.

Communication is Futile

Before writing a new blog entry, I read the entry last published to see my train of thought and where I was. I avoided this post the most. Even thinking about Scout brings me to a crippling depression. Like almost all of my negative emotions and feelings, I push it back into the depths of my mind. I don't think about it or talk about it. I keep all of those bad things to myself. Why poison a positive chapter of my life with something I know will hurt me? I still haven't appropriately mourned for Scout. I haven't sat down and just bawled and let it out. I told myself I'd do it later and never got around to it. It sounds so mechanical, but it truly is what I do. Of course I've cried a little through the initial shock and at a couple dog videos I've seen online. But not the meaningful kind of crying. The kind that after you do it, you feel relief - or at least somewhat better. I've spoken about my lack of communication with my feelings to my therapist lately. She obviously told me it was because of other deep-seeded issues I have. I've never been one to easily communicate. I told her that I felt like I don't express to Josh enough how much he means to me in person, face to face. I find it so hard to do that. Even though it's something positive, it still feels forced and disjointed when I try. I've grown to have a smart mouth and very dry sense of humor, and you probably wouldn't think I'd be the kind of person to be so reserved about silly things like telling my boyfriend how much I care about him. I'm not the only one who feels this way either about my disjointed communication. JP used to tell me the same thing, almost daily. I don't know if Josh fully recognizes my issues with communication, but I do. I see it and I want to fix it. When I found out about Scout, I used simple words to express how I felt, like 'sad'. I just kept repeating to him how 'sad' I was, like I was a child who couldn't communicate properly. Once again, I'm sweeping my emotions and feelings under the rug. My desire to ignore them is stronger than my desire to face them. One day I'll change.

Grand Entrance and Quick Exit

The saying goes that if one door closes, another one is opened in its place. We adopted a tiny 6 week old calico who I named Muffin. She's so small and delicate. We brought her home and started the tricky process of introducing her to my big German Shepard, Scout. It took some time but they got used to each other. They even got comfortable enough to sleep within a foot of each other. In the middle of the day today, my mom noticed Scout's stomach was a little distended. She hadn't been eating much the last few days so she told my dad to take her to the vet hospital to see what was up. We all expected some strange diagnosis and for her to return with some new medication she'd be finicky about taking. I didn't pet her goodbye or even acknowledge her leaving. I knew she'd be back, just like every time prior. However, my dad called maybe 20mins later and told my mom the news. Scout had had an aggressive cancer in her spleen that the vet hadn't picked up on during her previous visits this year. Her spleen inflamed and swelled and eventually burst. This caused her abdomen to swell with blood. We had two options. She could have surgery then face chemo and radiation to buy her 2-3 more months. Or she could be put down. Any life is about quality vs quantity. No living thing should be put through hell and painful treatments just to live a few more months in pain. My dad decided to put her down. I wanted to go and say goodbye, but I wouldn't have made it in time. My mom and I both cried and hugged. My brother had a friend over so we didn't tell him until much later. Our entire family is devastated. We had her from the age of 3 months. She was just a little fluff ball when we got her 9 1/2yrs ago. She's been through a lot with our family and I feel such a deep pain in my heart. Loss is something I have never dealt with well. I get thrown into a deep depression and I become very introverted. I'm on medication to help with my emotional state and management but this is going to throw me for a loop. I'm seeing my psychiatrist on Friday, so I'm lucky I have an appt soon. I have Josh by my side talking me through everything and trying to console me. If it weren't for him and Muffin, I don't know what I would do. I honestly would most likely turn to cutting again. Scout and Muffin only knew each other for 12hrs, but I believe that that was enough time for Scout to realize she was approaching the end of her road. She approved of Muffin and made that clear. We have converted Scout's old blanket/bed area into a 'kitty pavilion'. I think it's what Scout would have wanted. She passed the torch to the newbie of the house. Muffin is already being an energetic fluff ball, just like Scout was up until the end. It's so hard to accept another loss in my life, especially one so sudden and unexpected. I really hope I don't become self destructive again. I don't think Josh could handle seeing me like how I was. I miss you Scout, and I love you so much.

The Addition

It was a busy day with Josh again. We accomplished a lot together. It amazes me how the simplest things turn into fun with him. Getting food, work clothes shopping, and just driving. I don't know what he sees in me but I hope that never fades.
Tomorrow we're adding a new member to our family. I'm finally adopting my second cat. I've been waiting for this day since it was promised for my birthday in January. I don't know if I'll be able to sleep tonight from all the excitement. I just know that summer keeps getting better and better and I don't want that to end.

Road to Eternity

Life has a really funny way of sneaking past you when you aren't paying attention. Facebook brought up a photo from my high school prom years ago and I just sat there shocked. It seems like just yesterday we were all having the time of our lives and celebrating the end to high school. I miss the high school days when things were so much simpler. But then again, it feels like a million years ago. I can't remember the last time I wore a uniform or had to comply with strict dress codes. I look back and think about that circle of friends I had. I thought we would all transition into adulthood and keep in touch. I guess that was a silly fantasy. I still have those few that proved to be true friends, while the other got carried off in the whirlwind of life. Thinking so much of the past makes me think equally as much about the future. As a kid I always dreamed of getting married and having a family and finding that person to finally settle down with. I've never been overtly feminine, but I do have secret dreams of beautiful weddings and flowing gowns and bouquets. When I pictured my wedding, I could never see the type of person I'd marry. There was no defined cookie cutter image of what I wanted. The person who I found is definitely not cookie cutter. Because he can't stand, girls may have passed him up and never thought twice. They never wanted to break whatever cookie cutter mold they had in mind. Since I had no mold to match, Josh was a perfect fit. I think a lot of people underestimate him because he's in a wheelchair. I didn't take him at face value. I didn't see the distance issue or the wheelchair being a major obstacle. I found someone who felt like a long lost best friend, and there was no way I'd leave that behind over trivial things most people would be stuck on. I accepted who he was, and he accepted who I was. I know anyone else looking in would say we're insane because we say we love each other so early in the relationship, but I can't fake how I feel with him. We're already thinking years in advance. This nights FaceTime included a discussion of where we'd be in 5yrs. It excites me that I finally found someone who I can settle down with, and who is just as eager as I am about it. It all goes to show that taking just one little leap of faith can lead to the beginning of the rest of your life.

You

How many emails have you written me in the last few months? How many times have I voiced my disgust with you? How many nights have you spent parked outside my house, just waiting and watching? How many hours of sleep have you lost over what you did? How much have you neglected your family to come hunt me down on my campus? How many times did you roam my campus looking for me? Why didn't I see this all coming from the beginning? The pictures, the videos, the recordings, the hours spent together doing nothing but reviewing 'evidence'. I look back at the photos I have saved from last February and think to myself why I even continued. Josh knows. He knows everything. You were once such a powerful force in my life, and I thought you truly cared for me in return. You did some good, I can't take that from you. But you also did very bad. That powerful force who I thought would be around until I die was revealed to really just be a coward playing tough guy. I read your emails and I laugh. I laugh at how pathetic of a person you were, and I question what I ever saw in you. I remember you saying after our last meeting that that was the coldest thing you had ever experienced. I am not your girlfriend. I am not your lover. I am not your friend. I am someone who had the misfortune of making your acquaintance. However, I wouldn't change a thing. You taught me a few valuable lessons. And if it weren't for you, I wouldn't be where I am now. I'm happy as could be with Josh and his friends and his family. A years and a half together and I only met one friend of yours. Remember Beans? I do. I hope for the rest of your miserable life you replay in your head all of those moments we shared, and everything I did for you. I was more down for you than your own wife. You made your decision and I hope you can live with that. I want you to suffer every day and every night. Every waking moment I want you to feel what I felt. God has given me what I deserve. I only hope he does the same for you.