Blissful Irrationality

I feel like in a lot of these posts, I say how grown up I feel. It's massively true. I never would have guessed even 6 months ago that late nights out would be acceptable now. I didn't get home until well after midnight on Friday due to being stuck in 2 1/2hr traffic. The ride was torturous, but I had Josh and two of his close friends in the back seat. They're both cool people. It was nice being able to actually talk to my boyfriends friends - be in his world. His friends seem to like me. We spent the hours discussing hookups and sex. You would think it would be awkward, but I like having people who aren't so conservative. God forbid if I touched upon the topic of sex with a male friend when I was with JP. My dad greeted me when I got home late and didn't mind. 

The next morning we left on a little road trip. We drove to CT and went to a whaling/boating museum. It had real ships and a recreated sea village from the 17-1800s. I found it all to be so fascinating. My mom had to stay behind due to work, but I still had a lot of fun. My dad and brother and I had fun together. Although, I was wishing the entire time that Josh were there with me. He'd love the history behind it and all of the cool buildings and exhibits. I wish I could take him everywhere with me. 

Josh started law school today. He's going to be busy for a long day each day. He's heard several professors say that law school will test relationships. We've endured long distance, and have been through a lot already. Both of our professions need a lot of dedication to succeed. Every relationship also needs dedication. Complete dedication is hard to find these days, but I know he and I have a 100% chance at succeeding in this relationship. We both care so irrationally for each other for only being together 4 months. Sometimes, irrational is a good thing - even a blessing. 

Wheelchair Guy and Dork

For the first time in a long time, I had a friend meet my boyfriend. I haven't mentioned Leo in a very long time, we are still close friends. He's one of the few that stuck by my side. I have already met a lot of Josh's friends, and so I thought it only right to have him come into my world for a change. Pinning people down is difficult and our situation is tough due to having to cross state lines. It's challenging, but we all made it work. I got Josh and Leo to meet. I was so thrilled to finally have them meet. Leo is one of the closest people to me in my life, and so I thought it was important I heard his thoughts on Josh. I was excited but slightly nervous. What if they didn't get along for some reason? That thought turned out to be just paranoia.
Josh and I drove from NJ to Leo's house, where we met and went out for lunch. They just seemed to click. They talked over lunch about military knowledge and things I knew nothing about. All I cared about was that they were getting along. I listened to them talking and chimed in occasionally, but mostly sat back and ate my lemon potatoes. After lunch, we all drove to Leo's campus to pick up a package for me. Leo gave us a tour and showed us a fort on campus. There was a small museum/library we went to. It was filled with models and portraits and historical facts. Josh was into it, and obviously Leo knew everything. We left campus and went to drive Leo to an appointment, but we're late. He rescheduled and asked us if we wanted to see a movie. That's when I knew it wasn't just pleasantries being exchanged. Leo actually wanted to spend more time with us. It sounds silly when I type it, but it was a big deal to me. I drove him home after the movie and we parted ways. It was probably one of the best days I've had all summer. It was so simple but meant so much to me. I interviewed both Josh and Leo, and they both liked each other. It was important for me this time around to listen to an outside opinion. I ignored what everyone told me about JP and look what happened. I found someone that my parents like, my friends like, I love, and is such a good fit for me. Having that day with Leo and Josh showed me that there really is supposed to be a balance to a relationship. Everyone needs friends, not just their significant others. It was so cool to be able to hang out with Leo and Josh without any weirdness. This is how it should be.

Fuck You

I haven't felt like a true adult until recently. Just a few days ago, I slept over at my boyfriends house because we had a late night concert. We didn't get home till around 12:30-1am. It was so nice being free. I didn't have to worry about time or being late. I enjoyed the show and shared a lot of laughs and smiles with Josh. He's absolutely perfect. The concert was awesome, but I think it was the parts around the concert that made the experience great. Before it started, we grabbed pizza on the way to the venue. We pulled right up to the front of the parking lot thanks to the handicap spaces and just hung out. Josh and I ate till we were stuffed, and I had a light drink to start off the night. The performances were awesome are predicted. Afterwards, we drove home and stopped at a local diner to get food for a late night snack/dinner. I had another drink when we got home and we ate together like a couple. The house was quiet and it was just us. I enjoyed being together, just he and I. It doesn't happen a lot. I enjoy occasional silence when it's spent with someone I love. Just eating and being together makes me smile. I was able to actually get him into bed myself, which I was very proud of. We got into bed, cuddled close, and I was out like a light. Feeling the one you love spooning you from behind is really such a great feeling. I feel protected and warm and happy. The next morning we took it slow. I had my first attempt at getting him out of bed and into his chair, AND I SUCCEEDED. That's probably the best feeling I've had in a little while. I was afraid of hurting him or fucking it up somehow. But he said I learned faster than his ex, and did it somewhat better than his parents in a couple aspects. I want to be able to do everything for him, like he does for me. It's so cool to think now we don't even have to rely on his mom to help us out. I can drive, help him up, and do pretty much whatever we want. This didn't come together as cohesively as I thought it would. But the point remains: I'm becoming an actual self-sustaining adult. As London Tipton would say, YAY ME!

00531.0

The Thursday coming up marks a big step in Josh and I's relationship. I'm sleeping over without a real reason. There's no job or anything important to do. We have a concert Thursday night and then we get to come home, late night drink, maybe skinny dip, and stay up all night talking and hanging out. I feel like that's what normal couples do. They stray away from responsibility every once in a while to enjoy time to be free together. I'll be able to spend my night however I want with the person I love. If we want to binge watch Netflix while drinking and eating take out diner food, we can. We can sit outside and look at the sky and have deep conversation. We can cuddle up at the end of the night and fall asleep feeling nothing but bliss, and maybe a little tipsy.
I was planning on smoking a little for the concert but the adult in me has to reject that stuff now. I applied for a position within the DEP Police about a year ago. I took the written exam and only a few days ago was I finally called for the next step. I spent about 6 1/2hrs at the Police Academy in the city getting my initial physical done. EKGs, vision, hearing, and a ton of paperwork. I was the only female in a group of 12 males by the end. The rest of the candidates in the room were police cadets beginning their journey as well. Some of them looked the part while others just didn't fit that profile. They drug tested me and took 3 different sections of my hair. My hair goes all the way down my back to about the middle of my butt, so there was A LOT of hair. I admitted on the drug form that I had dabbled in drugs, but only in high school. A half-assed confession to try and soften the blow of them finding it in my hair. The officer giving out the forms told us that they really only test for the last 3-4 months. If that's the case, I'm clean. If they test my entire length of hair, we might have some problems. He said that drugs aren't exactly a deal breaker as long as they haven't been recently used or been involved in some kind of legal action against you. I'm half hopeful and half doubtful. The Police Academy I'd be attending is about 3hrs upstate. That throws a wrench into the mix. I'd have to live up there or close by if this were to move forward. Usually this process takes a few years and hopefully by that time, I'll have a degree and be able to choose what I want. However, the officer I spoke to said they could call me as early as 6 months. It depends how desperately they need people and how good of a class we have. There's so much to consider with this possible job. It's just a plan B, but it's intense to train and actually complete this. I'm going for my psych evaluation in a few weeks. I know I'll pass and they already have the list of medication I'm on. I'm hiding nothing, and for that they can't penalize me. One step at a time. But the slow steps are starting to feel like massive leaps in this case.

Dandelion

This is the first post I've written from my laptop in a few long time. My laptop broke and I was afraid of fixing it due to the cost. It ended up being free under some warranty I didn't even know I had. Go figure. Then as I went to plug it in at home, my charging wire didn't work. The cute little monster had chewed through my wire. Luckily for me, the stars aligned and I got Josh's old wire instead of having to buy a new one. It's the little things like that that remind me how awesome it is to have someone who has your back. With JP, anything he did had to hidden and covered up because I knew how wrong that relationship was deep down. Now I have a normal relationship. The hours a day we spend together at work are priceless. They may drag on sometimes, but it's the small conversations or comments that make memories. When I get stressed during my upcoming semester, I'll think of the time I made him each spinach. And the times he taught me exactly how he likes his coffee. And when I surprised him with mini cannolis. And even just the pointless trips just to get away from the desk. I love being with him. He lets me bring him to places he doesn't enjoy, like a GoodWill store today or into the clearance sections of countless stores. He lets me be me, and loves me for my quirks. I feel like I say a lot of the same shit over and over in these posts regarding him. I just can't put it into words exactly how I feel about him.
Josh asked me the other day if people stare at us when we walk together in public, on account of his wheelchair. I was nothing but honest with him and told him people are going to stare. I know a lot of them feel sympathy, or maybe think I'm some kind of saint for dating someone in a wheelchair. When we started talking, I didn't know he was in a chair. It wasn't till I read through his profile that I realized. I didn't discount him, like many others have. I guess maybe they think that because he's in a wheelchair, his brain doesn't function? I'm not sure what goes on in other peoples' heads. Josh has told me on several occasions that he never wants to embarrass me because he's disabled. Everyone has shit wrong with them. His flaw just happens to be on the outside. But I'd much rather see someone's baggage upfront than discover it when it's too late. My flaw is my mind. I'm bipolar and still have streaks of crazy. Nothing has happened to trigger anything yet, and I hope it never will. Our first argument will be tough for me. I really don't know how that'll go, since I've found myself more outspoken as of late. It's tough for people to visualize, but this 5'2 white girl has a temper. I'll never forget the day when I punched JP square in the face out of sheer anger. He's over a foot taller than me and about twice my weight, and I didn't hesitate to deck him. When I'm in emotional pain, I have no fear. Was he going to punch me back? Maybe. Did I do it without thinking anything through? You bet your ass I did. I never want Josh to see that side of me. I never want him to see the cold calculating side to me that comes out when I feel threatened either. I become a different person. Josh doesn't know what he's dealing with yet. He may be able to handle it, and maybe he can't. But there's no way of knowing until something happens. You might love someone to absolute death and beyond, but still be forced to walk away after seeing a certain side of them that you can't/won't handle. I'd rather be with a kind hearted soul who can't walk than someone who's internally a ticking time bomb under certain conditions. Every time you see an able-bodied person holding hands with someone disabled, don't think that they're some sort of angel. Maybe they're a little broken too.

Happily Manic

I lied to my psychiatrist today. Most people would think that would be a bad idea, however I think I'm right where I want to be. The last time he adjusted my meds, I decreased my downers because I was complaining I was always tired. Since then, I've noticed a few more manic spells than usual, which makes sense given my decrease in downers. But I prefer it this way. It's annoying to go back and forth and find what medications work for you exactly. I'd rather be too happy than too sad. Me being manic just means me talking more and maybe being a little more excitable. I'm not overly manic or crazy, but it's nice to have that rather than depression. Today I actually accomplished every chore that had to be done. I started washing my bed sheets but only got halfway done. I forgot to do the other half, because I'm just that forgetful. But I feel accomplished. It didn't take me long to get everything done, and then I looked back and thought how awesome it is to be productive. I want to clean my room and live like the person I want to be. I'm organized everywhere else but in my own personal space. I made brownies at Josh's house and was cleaning up after myself. I cleaned every dish in the sink, wether it was mine or not. I like being clean and neat. But for whatever reason, my room has always been a little crazy. It isn't like I'm living in filth, but it could be cleaner. Josh and I both have to clean out our closets. We have too many clothes. I can barely fit all of my shirts in my drawers. I have a slight hoarding tendency that I inherited from my dad and his dad. I just hate loss, so I find it so hard to let go of things. Even if it's just a soda tab, a shoelace, broken headphones, or old boxes from whatever I ordered online. As my therapist tells me, I have to do one thing at a time and not get intimidated by the entire picture all at once. By doing several of those baby steps, you could end up walking a mile.

Love Yourz

I had my first sleepover ever alone with a boyfriend. We left work in the city a little early and drove back to his house where we picked up his nephew and went bowling. It was late by the time we got home, so I showered quickly and got into bed with him. I was afraid I'd be cold, because I'm always cold. But I guess I underestimated the body heat. It was an intimate night. He fell asleep first, and I listened to him softly breathing. Then I looked at him and put my nose gently against his, and I watched him sleep for a little while. It took some time to get adjusted to the new environment, but I eventually passed out. I was told I sleep like a "spider monkey". I had my legs draped over his and cuddled as close as I could into his chest. He said he had actually kissed me a few times in my sleep, but I guess I was too exhausted to notice.
We got up bright and early, and left his house around 7am to get to his law school orientation. It was a big day for him. I sat through 3hrs of legal lectures that made no sense to me. I guess he could see how tired and bored I was there, so he decided to skip the rest of the day and leave early with me to get lunch on our own. We went to a bbq place close by and had our usual fun lunch dates. I still feel a little full from that meal. Him leaving that day early meant a lot to me. I didn't ask for it. I signed up to spend the full 8-ish hours there with him. He decided I was more important than the boring formalities of an orientation. I was happy but still felt a little guilty. That was his chance to meet some of the people in his class and he chose me instead. Bittersweet, but more sweet.
Taking the train home gave me time to think and listen to music. A song came on called Love Yourz by J. Cole. It really hit me hard. It's about learning to love your life, no matter the situations you may be in. I'm slowly coming to that part of my life. I haven't gotten there yet. I don't completely love my life or am totally satisfied. But I love the idea of coming to terms with yourself and your life. Shit happens but it all happens for a reason. There will always be someone out there who has it worse than you. But in contrast, there will always be someone who has it better. The goal is to come to terms with that and love what you have instead of lusting for something bigger or better. Nobody's life is perfect, but it's all about how you look at things. I've never been the optimistic type, but I'm really trying to see things in new ways to benefit my life and my attitude. The small changes add up over time. "For what's money without happiness? Or hard times wthout the people you love? Though I'm not sure what's 'bout to happen next, I asked for the strength from the Lord up above"