Life Changer

Exactly a year ago today, August 12th, I was admitted to the hospital. That experience really did change me.
When it all started, I thought it was a cold. I had a fever, chills, and I wasn't eating much. The last shift I worked before being admitted was tough. The last hour of it I spent hiding in clearance doubled over in pain. I was having the worst cramps of my life. I knew I was sick with something, I just didn't think it was as big as it was. After a few days of calling out of work and shaking on my couch, my mom insisted I go to a doctor. I went to my dad's GP. He did the works and as soon as he felt my sides and kidneys, he told me I needed to go to the ER, now. I was obviously alarmed, but thought I just needed some IV fluids. At first, the nurses in the ER didn't think much of it. I had recently taken Motrin so my fever was down, but they passed me to a general physician who was around the ER. I was placed in the children's ward so I'd have a private bed. I had a sonogram of my abdomen and kidneys done, as well as a bladder scan. From the results, they determined I did need some fluids, and help in general. The nurse went to give me an IV, but my veins kept collapsing and exploding due to the lack of water in my blood. It took them 6 tries to get a good line in, and my arms ended up looking like I had been beaten with a baseball bat. My dad was begging them to admit me purely because it would be cheaper for our insurance copays. The doctor agreed, but it wasn't until later that they saw the extent of my problems.
Once the Motrin from home wore off, all hell broke loose. I spiked a fever around 103 and started almost convulsing under the layers of sheets I was wrapped in. They gave me Tylenol to bring down the fever. They came to a diagnosis of pyelonephritis. It means I had not just one, but both of my kidneys were infected. This came as the result of a UTI I didn't treat because I had no symptoms. I was pumped with IV fluids, and was on a liquid diet for my first day and a half there. I continued to spike fevers, one getting as high as 105. They gave me Tylenol and then a dose of morphine in my IV drip. I instantly felt better. I was in excruciating pain because the shaking I'd do once I got a fever would aggravate my kidneys, which were already tender. Every 4hrs I would have all vitals taken, including a rectal temperature and at least 3 blood samples. The next and last time I had morphine was after a fever and shaking fit. As soon as I was injected with the morphine, I felt my chest collapse. JP was next to me and I looked at him, barely being able to speak, and told him I wasn't getting enough oxygen. The nurse saw something was wrong and took my oxygen levels. They were in the 80s, then normally they should be above 97. I was immediately put on a continuous oxygen feed to get my levels back up. I would get winded easily if I tried speaking or moving without the oxygen on me. I had respiratory therapy sessions with oral steroids every 6 or so hours to keep my lungs open and inflated. I was randomly taken for an echocardiogram early in the morning one day and I had no idea why. Once it was done, the attending physician told me that I was showing signs of early heart failure. He explained to me that since I was pumped so full of fluids, I wasn't able to filter it all because of my banged up kidneys. So the fluid I was being given was building up in my lungs, giving me pneumonia, and around my heart, sending me into early stages of heart failure. They got everything in time and the antibiotics started to help things along. I remember when they took me off my oxygen and I had a little freedom back. I remember taking my pole of IVs with me and walking around my ward. I found a window and just stopped. I didn't have a bed by a window, and I hadn't seen sun or trees or the sky in days. I only saw glimpses of them as I would be on a transport gurney because wings and wards on my way to various tests. I just stood there and watched as a breeze blew the leaves on a tree and the clouds moved so slowly across the bright blue sky. I could see people walking around below me and I wished I could be them. I missed feeling the sun and the wind and smelling something other than rubbing alcohol and latex. I began to get a little tired and headed back to my prison.
After a total of 2 bladder scans, 2 EKGs, 2 doses of morphine, 25+ needles, 3 IV ports, sonograms, an echocardiogram, a CT scan, and 6 days, I was finally released (with medication to take for my residual pneumonia). I said goodbye to my roommate Linda, who I spent many hours with just talking and sharing stories with. I thanked all of the nurses who helped me get changed, gave me a sponge bath, helped when I needed to go to the bathroom, and for every other up and down I needed them for. My dad brought them cookies and they said I was the model patient. We hugged and I left. When I walked at first, my legs were like noodles. Once I made it outside, I stopped right when the sun hit my face. I just stood there for a brief moment and enjoyed what I had taken for granted my whole life. I smelled the trees and felt the breeze play with my greasy hospital hair. The sun was so warm and felt like a hug. I swore to myself after that that I would never take what I have for granted. I can shower. I can brush my teeth. I can change my underwear. I can look outside. I can GO outside. I use that experience to also motivate me in my nursing studies. Every single nurse I came into contact with was amazing. One of them helped clean me up and even did my hair because she knew I was having company. I want to be like them. I want patients to look at me and be glad that I was their nurse. I'm a dedicated person; sometimes to those who don't deserve it. But I will dedicate my everything to my patients, just like my nurses did for me. I came out of that hospital with a new mindset and a shit ton of motivation. I ran into Linda about a month ago at work and we talked for a little. She said that at the time she didn't want to scare me at the time, but I looked pretty bad when I ended up getting my oxygen feed. She thought I looked really sick. It isn't that comforting to know that I looked just as bad as I felt.
Just to add a small section here, I wanted to mention JP's role in this mess. To his credit, he stayed with me most nights at the hospital. He also fought with me and we got into a little scuffle. He threw a cold hamburger at my face and gave me a nosebleed. It doesn't sound painful, but when you're in bad shape already, it hurts. He left the room in a storm of anger and left his vape behind. I took my IV pole, grabbed the vape, and brought it to the bathroom where I threw it into the bottom of the garbage under layers of blood, pee, shit, and god knows what else. Karma is a bitch.

Blissful Irrationality

I feel like in a lot of these posts, I say how grown up I feel. It's massively true. I never would have guessed even 6 months ago that late nights out would be acceptable now. I didn't get home until well after midnight on Friday due to being stuck in 2 1/2hr traffic. The ride was torturous, but I had Josh and two of his close friends in the back seat. They're both cool people. It was nice being able to actually talk to my boyfriends friends - be in his world. His friends seem to like me. We spent the hours discussing hookups and sex. You would think it would be awkward, but I like having people who aren't so conservative. God forbid if I touched upon the topic of sex with a male friend when I was with JP. My dad greeted me when I got home late and didn't mind. 

The next morning we left on a little road trip. We drove to CT and went to a whaling/boating museum. It had real ships and a recreated sea village from the 17-1800s. I found it all to be so fascinating. My mom had to stay behind due to work, but I still had a lot of fun. My dad and brother and I had fun together. Although, I was wishing the entire time that Josh were there with me. He'd love the history behind it and all of the cool buildings and exhibits. I wish I could take him everywhere with me. 

Josh started law school today. He's going to be busy for a long day each day. He's heard several professors say that law school will test relationships. We've endured long distance, and have been through a lot already. Both of our professions need a lot of dedication to succeed. Every relationship also needs dedication. Complete dedication is hard to find these days, but I know he and I have a 100% chance at succeeding in this relationship. We both care so irrationally for each other for only being together 4 months. Sometimes, irrational is a good thing - even a blessing. 

Wheelchair Guy and Dork

For the first time in a long time, I had a friend meet my boyfriend. I haven't mentioned Leo in a very long time, we are still close friends. He's one of the few that stuck by my side. I have already met a lot of Josh's friends, and so I thought it only right to have him come into my world for a change. Pinning people down is difficult and our situation is tough due to having to cross state lines. It's challenging, but we all made it work. I got Josh and Leo to meet. I was so thrilled to finally have them meet. Leo is one of the closest people to me in my life, and so I thought it was important I heard his thoughts on Josh. I was excited but slightly nervous. What if they didn't get along for some reason? That thought turned out to be just paranoia.
Josh and I drove from NJ to Leo's house, where we met and went out for lunch. They just seemed to click. They talked over lunch about military knowledge and things I knew nothing about. All I cared about was that they were getting along. I listened to them talking and chimed in occasionally, but mostly sat back and ate my lemon potatoes. After lunch, we all drove to Leo's campus to pick up a package for me. Leo gave us a tour and showed us a fort on campus. There was a small museum/library we went to. It was filled with models and portraits and historical facts. Josh was into it, and obviously Leo knew everything. We left campus and went to drive Leo to an appointment, but we're late. He rescheduled and asked us if we wanted to see a movie. That's when I knew it wasn't just pleasantries being exchanged. Leo actually wanted to spend more time with us. It sounds silly when I type it, but it was a big deal to me. I drove him home after the movie and we parted ways. It was probably one of the best days I've had all summer. It was so simple but meant so much to me. I interviewed both Josh and Leo, and they both liked each other. It was important for me this time around to listen to an outside opinion. I ignored what everyone told me about JP and look what happened. I found someone that my parents like, my friends like, I love, and is such a good fit for me. Having that day with Leo and Josh showed me that there really is supposed to be a balance to a relationship. Everyone needs friends, not just their significant others. It was so cool to be able to hang out with Leo and Josh without any weirdness. This is how it should be.

Fuck You

I haven't felt like a true adult until recently. Just a few days ago, I slept over at my boyfriends house because we had a late night concert. We didn't get home till around 12:30-1am. It was so nice being free. I didn't have to worry about time or being late. I enjoyed the show and shared a lot of laughs and smiles with Josh. He's absolutely perfect. The concert was awesome, but I think it was the parts around the concert that made the experience great. Before it started, we grabbed pizza on the way to the venue. We pulled right up to the front of the parking lot thanks to the handicap spaces and just hung out. Josh and I ate till we were stuffed, and I had a light drink to start off the night. The performances were awesome are predicted. Afterwards, we drove home and stopped at a local diner to get food for a late night snack/dinner. I had another drink when we got home and we ate together like a couple. The house was quiet and it was just us. I enjoyed being together, just he and I. It doesn't happen a lot. I enjoy occasional silence when it's spent with someone I love. Just eating and being together makes me smile. I was able to actually get him into bed myself, which I was very proud of. We got into bed, cuddled close, and I was out like a light. Feeling the one you love spooning you from behind is really such a great feeling. I feel protected and warm and happy. The next morning we took it slow. I had my first attempt at getting him out of bed and into his chair, AND I SUCCEEDED. That's probably the best feeling I've had in a little while. I was afraid of hurting him or fucking it up somehow. But he said I learned faster than his ex, and did it somewhat better than his parents in a couple aspects. I want to be able to do everything for him, like he does for me. It's so cool to think now we don't even have to rely on his mom to help us out. I can drive, help him up, and do pretty much whatever we want. This didn't come together as cohesively as I thought it would. But the point remains: I'm becoming an actual self-sustaining adult. As London Tipton would say, YAY ME!

00531.0

The Thursday coming up marks a big step in Josh and I's relationship. I'm sleeping over without a real reason. There's no job or anything important to do. We have a concert Thursday night and then we get to come home, late night drink, maybe skinny dip, and stay up all night talking and hanging out. I feel like that's what normal couples do. They stray away from responsibility every once in a while to enjoy time to be free together. I'll be able to spend my night however I want with the person I love. If we want to binge watch Netflix while drinking and eating take out diner food, we can. We can sit outside and look at the sky and have deep conversation. We can cuddle up at the end of the night and fall asleep feeling nothing but bliss, and maybe a little tipsy.
I was planning on smoking a little for the concert but the adult in me has to reject that stuff now. I applied for a position within the DEP Police about a year ago. I took the written exam and only a few days ago was I finally called for the next step. I spent about 6 1/2hrs at the Police Academy in the city getting my initial physical done. EKGs, vision, hearing, and a ton of paperwork. I was the only female in a group of 12 males by the end. The rest of the candidates in the room were police cadets beginning their journey as well. Some of them looked the part while others just didn't fit that profile. They drug tested me and took 3 different sections of my hair. My hair goes all the way down my back to about the middle of my butt, so there was A LOT of hair. I admitted on the drug form that I had dabbled in drugs, but only in high school. A half-assed confession to try and soften the blow of them finding it in my hair. The officer giving out the forms told us that they really only test for the last 3-4 months. If that's the case, I'm clean. If they test my entire length of hair, we might have some problems. He said that drugs aren't exactly a deal breaker as long as they haven't been recently used or been involved in some kind of legal action against you. I'm half hopeful and half doubtful. The Police Academy I'd be attending is about 3hrs upstate. That throws a wrench into the mix. I'd have to live up there or close by if this were to move forward. Usually this process takes a few years and hopefully by that time, I'll have a degree and be able to choose what I want. However, the officer I spoke to said they could call me as early as 6 months. It depends how desperately they need people and how good of a class we have. There's so much to consider with this possible job. It's just a plan B, but it's intense to train and actually complete this. I'm going for my psych evaluation in a few weeks. I know I'll pass and they already have the list of medication I'm on. I'm hiding nothing, and for that they can't penalize me. One step at a time. But the slow steps are starting to feel like massive leaps in this case.

Dandelion

This is the first post I've written from my laptop in a few long time. My laptop broke and I was afraid of fixing it due to the cost. It ended up being free under some warranty I didn't even know I had. Go figure. Then as I went to plug it in at home, my charging wire didn't work. The cute little monster had chewed through my wire. Luckily for me, the stars aligned and I got Josh's old wire instead of having to buy a new one. It's the little things like that that remind me how awesome it is to have someone who has your back. With JP, anything he did had to hidden and covered up because I knew how wrong that relationship was deep down. Now I have a normal relationship. The hours a day we spend together at work are priceless. They may drag on sometimes, but it's the small conversations or comments that make memories. When I get stressed during my upcoming semester, I'll think of the time I made him each spinach. And the times he taught me exactly how he likes his coffee. And when I surprised him with mini cannolis. And even just the pointless trips just to get away from the desk. I love being with him. He lets me bring him to places he doesn't enjoy, like a GoodWill store today or into the clearance sections of countless stores. He lets me be me, and loves me for my quirks. I feel like I say a lot of the same shit over and over in these posts regarding him. I just can't put it into words exactly how I feel about him.
Josh asked me the other day if people stare at us when we walk together in public, on account of his wheelchair. I was nothing but honest with him and told him people are going to stare. I know a lot of them feel sympathy, or maybe think I'm some kind of saint for dating someone in a wheelchair. When we started talking, I didn't know he was in a chair. It wasn't till I read through his profile that I realized. I didn't discount him, like many others have. I guess maybe they think that because he's in a wheelchair, his brain doesn't function? I'm not sure what goes on in other peoples' heads. Josh has told me on several occasions that he never wants to embarrass me because he's disabled. Everyone has shit wrong with them. His flaw just happens to be on the outside. But I'd much rather see someone's baggage upfront than discover it when it's too late. My flaw is my mind. I'm bipolar and still have streaks of crazy. Nothing has happened to trigger anything yet, and I hope it never will. Our first argument will be tough for me. I really don't know how that'll go, since I've found myself more outspoken as of late. It's tough for people to visualize, but this 5'2 white girl has a temper. I'll never forget the day when I punched JP square in the face out of sheer anger. He's over a foot taller than me and about twice my weight, and I didn't hesitate to deck him. When I'm in emotional pain, I have no fear. Was he going to punch me back? Maybe. Did I do it without thinking anything through? You bet your ass I did. I never want Josh to see that side of me. I never want him to see the cold calculating side to me that comes out when I feel threatened either. I become a different person. Josh doesn't know what he's dealing with yet. He may be able to handle it, and maybe he can't. But there's no way of knowing until something happens. You might love someone to absolute death and beyond, but still be forced to walk away after seeing a certain side of them that you can't/won't handle. I'd rather be with a kind hearted soul who can't walk than someone who's internally a ticking time bomb under certain conditions. Every time you see an able-bodied person holding hands with someone disabled, don't think that they're some sort of angel. Maybe they're a little broken too.

Happily Manic

I lied to my psychiatrist today. Most people would think that would be a bad idea, however I think I'm right where I want to be. The last time he adjusted my meds, I decreased my downers because I was complaining I was always tired. Since then, I've noticed a few more manic spells than usual, which makes sense given my decrease in downers. But I prefer it this way. It's annoying to go back and forth and find what medications work for you exactly. I'd rather be too happy than too sad. Me being manic just means me talking more and maybe being a little more excitable. I'm not overly manic or crazy, but it's nice to have that rather than depression. Today I actually accomplished every chore that had to be done. I started washing my bed sheets but only got halfway done. I forgot to do the other half, because I'm just that forgetful. But I feel accomplished. It didn't take me long to get everything done, and then I looked back and thought how awesome it is to be productive. I want to clean my room and live like the person I want to be. I'm organized everywhere else but in my own personal space. I made brownies at Josh's house and was cleaning up after myself. I cleaned every dish in the sink, wether it was mine or not. I like being clean and neat. But for whatever reason, my room has always been a little crazy. It isn't like I'm living in filth, but it could be cleaner. Josh and I both have to clean out our closets. We have too many clothes. I can barely fit all of my shirts in my drawers. I have a slight hoarding tendency that I inherited from my dad and his dad. I just hate loss, so I find it so hard to let go of things. Even if it's just a soda tab, a shoelace, broken headphones, or old boxes from whatever I ordered online. As my therapist tells me, I have to do one thing at a time and not get intimidated by the entire picture all at once. By doing several of those baby steps, you could end up walking a mile.