50mg, 100mg, 150mg

The past few days I've been taking meds to calm me down at night. It's so hard for me to sleep. With Leo out of the picture, it only makes it harder. The clock slowly turns towards 2am while I lay awake thinking. I'm comfortable, warm, have a sleeping kitten next to me, and am exhausted. Yet, I can't get decent rest. My doctor told me to take one dose of a sedative he prescribed to help me sleep. I've been taking two for good measure. At this point, I don't care if I sleep half of my day away. As long as my mind is silenced, I'm ok with that. I spent my whole work day making jokes and fucking with my coworkers. I'd disconnect their sensor magnets, take off their bag holders, steal their receipt tape, or just poke fun at them in general. Laughing and making others smile makes me feel good. I have this feeling of impending doom for some reason. I want to forget what I feel and what I think. I want to focus on what ridiculous thing I'm going to do next to mess with my coworkers. I want to focus on making my sales goals. I want to focus on a history test I have on Monday. I want to focus on myself and my mental health. But I can't. I'm stuck in the prison of my own mind. My depression is creeping back up on me and I'm trying so hard to stop it. Leo broke my heart. Not in a romantic way, but in a very hurtful and significant way. The number of people I trust has dwindled again. Will it ever stop?

Invisible Sacrifice

Trying to drown out my emotions is harder than I thought. I started drinking today at 1pm. Josh and I binged Sons of Anarchy while I tried to drown myself in rum and Oreos. We spent hours and hours and hours just watching Netflix and occasionally talking. It was somewhat soothing. The alcohol was making me happier, Josh made me more comfortable, and Netflix distracted me. It was a nice combination. Then I had to head home. The second I got into the Uber, the anxiety was back. I saw Leo had opened my messages around 3pm so I know he's out of there. I tried to forget my thoughts by blasting to loudest and heaviest rap I know. My eardrums started to hurt, but I didn't care. It helped to silence the thoughts for a while. I came home and had to put on my happy face. I showed my parents a bouquet of roses Josh had surprised me with. I told them it was just a random gift, when in reality he was trying to aid in my ever growing and consuming depression. I watched tv and did laundry for a little, then decided to drink some more. I'm willing to do almost anything to get myself emotionally stable again. I should be happy. Josh and I are approaching our 1 year anniversary in a couple weeks, and I've gotten accepted to the senior college I applied for. This should be a happy time. But it's not. I'm missing my right hand. Leo isn't there for me to text or talk to. I can't ask how he's doing or what's going on. I can't ask for his opinion or tell him about whatever bullshit happened during the day. I know I can't talk to him. He decided that our relationship was unhealthy because of his feelings for me. I can respect that. But in taking this step back, I'm taking a toll on my own mental health. I feel as if my fuse is too short to be dealing with the public for 9hrs tomorrow at work. But I have to. It's selfish of me to talk to him because I know it isn't good for him. Either I fuck him over or I fuck myself over. I've seen him get fucked over too many times in the years I've known him, so I'm taking the loss. I want him to get better and to heal. Sometimes the greatest sacrifices are those unseen to others. Besides Josh, no one sees the state I'm in. No one knows the mental anguish I feel. As long as he gets himself level and healthy again, I can deal with it.

(Un)Inhabitable Zone

I never would have thought that I would leave my visit with Leo in worse condition than when I went in. I had been anxious and nervous all morning looking forward to seeing Leo at the hospital. I couldn't even enjoy my yoga class because I kept thinking about how to get there and what to say and where to go and the rules I had to follow. I got to the campus about 45mins early and was told I couldn't enter. I loitered at a local Dunkin Donuts until the appropriate time. I got my visitor wrist band and walked to the building. It was nice on the outside (and the inside too). I figured out where to go and saw Leo sitting at a table by a window playing with some pin-up girl playing cards. I didn't want to seem too excited to hug him, but it felt so good to feel him again. To know he was ok. We talked about a lot of things, including astronomy and astrophysics. I was only supposed to stay for 20mins because I had a class to get to, but I skipped because I just couldn't leave him. I brought food and we ate and drank tea and talked. Leo eventually told me that he had spoken to someone about our relationship. They thought the relationship was unhealthy because Leo has feelings for me beyond friendship. I had known this already, but didn't think it was getting in the way to the magnitude he explained it to me. He compared me to a cigarette. Saying I was bad for him, but he just can't seem to walk away on his own. That me being in his life made it more difficult. It was like he had dropped a bomb on my head. I tried to lighten the mood a little and play it off and tell him that was stupid. But he got very serious and told me I was being manipulative trying to convince him not to listen to the guy who told him this. The hour visit was up way too soon. I told him that if he didn't want to ever see me or speak to me again, I wasn't his mother. I can't force him to do anything. But I made sure to make it clear that he won't be the only one affected if he decides to just cut me out "like breast cancer". He walked me to the exit and I turned around to say goodbye and he was already walking back, too far to yell for him. I left with the group of visitors and told myself to hold it together until I got outside. I took a deep breath of fresh air and put my headphones in. As I walked away, I looked back at the window where Leo was sitting during our visit and it was empty. Empty chairs at an empty table. I turned my music up and didn't look back again.

10 Minutes

I finally found Leo. As I was getting ready for the day, I missed a call from a random number. I listened to the voicemail and it was Leo. Part of me was excited and happy that he was ok. But the other part of me sunk to the floor. He was in an inpatient psychiatric ward. Long story short, he gave consent to be taken in for treatment. They stripped him of everything he had, even clothing. He called me from a communal phone, and told me to call back later around 9pm. I got another missed call from him at work. On my lunch break I decided to call and eventually got through to someone who took a message for me. We finally got a hold of each other and hearing his voice gave me a sense of relief. What he's gone through there is terrible. Visiting hours are very limited, so seeing him is difficult around my work and school schedule. I'm debating whether or not I should tell my parents. I know he wants to keep it contained that he's there, but it would help if I could borrow one of my parents' cars to see him during the later visitation hours. I'm seeing him Wednesday, but only for a half hour between my classes. It'll be the first time I've seen him face to face since the summer. I just want to hug him and see his face to make sure he looks ok. Where he's being held is actually only a 10min car ride from my house, so it's easy to visit. It's just the restrictive hours that are the problem. He and I talked for an hour on the phone in 10min intervals. Each call can only last 10mins so he kept having to call me back. It's comforting to know he's safe. But it concerns me with how lonely it must be in there. He said he likes his roommate, but there are some real crazy people in there with him. I've shed a few tears since I spoke to Leo a few hours ago, but I'm trying to fight the depression and anxiety. He doesn't understand how much he means to me. I can count how many friends I have on my two hands. And that's including coworkers and my boyfriend. I don't trust many people. I don't let them get too close because I'm guarded. Leo is my best friend, and to know he's alone in an unfamiliar place with literal crazy people is breaking my heart.

MIA

The last few days have been both stressful and confusing. Leo seems to have dropped off the face of the earth with no warning. I've sent over a dozen texts, left voicemails, contacted both his sister and his roommate, and messaged him on every social media site. It's unlike him to disappear with no forewarning - and seemingly into thin air. I've been driving myself crazy trying to piece together what could have happened or where he is. He's been beyond depressed lately and I'm worried about his mental health. I have very few people in my life who I consider friends. And I've even go so far as to say he's one of my best friends (I have one male and one female of course). Part of me thinks it'll just be some stupid thing that came up and we can laugh about how psycho I'm being. But then the other part of me is worrying and thinking worst case scenario. I naturally have a lot of anxiety, so for someone I love and hold dear to go missing is disconcerting. It just doesn't feel right to me. It's been a full 2 1/2 days since I've heard from him, and it's driving me crazy. I'm checking emails, social media, texts, and calls constantly. Each time I see my phone flashing with a notification, I hope it's Leo. I just want him to be ok. I don't have a lot of friends. I can count them on one hand. This is one of the few times in my life where I'm praying I'm wrong and this isn't a bad situation. Leo - if you're reading this, just let me know you're alive.

Sunshine, Lollipops, Rainbows

The last week or so has put my life into perspective. I'm usually the one in my group who listens to your problems and gives advice, and I love it. I love helping my friends and seeing them happy. Leo has been working through some tough shit for a while, but the weight is just too heavy for one person to carry. I remember a point in my own life not too long ago where I felt like everything was pointless. I felt like a waste of space and I was good for nothing. Being a depressed and anxious perfectionist is very difficult. But then my life actually got better. I met new people, reconnected with old friends, and saw that life can be just as sweet as it is sour. A coworker of mine, Gurmeet, has also become a close friend. We spoke on the phone for over 3 1/2 a few days ago. We both cried and laughed and swapped stories from our lives. He came out to me as being gay. It meant the world to me that he trusted me with that. Prior to him telling me, he had never said it out loud before. He told me about his home life, specifically his mother. We just kept talking well into the night. We worked together yesterday and I brought him a little bag of chocolates. I've been making homemade chocolates with fun fillings, so I made him his own special ones. In return, he bought me lunch. We bust each other's balls at work, and bicker like a married couple. But when we actually sit down and talk, it's such a beautiful friendship. With that being said, my I sometimes take my life for granted. I've gone through some tough shit in my life. Shit that I would never wish on anyone. Memories and thoughts still haunt me time to time. But my life in the here and now is sunshine and unicorns compared to Leo and Gurmeet. I've hit a few rough patches recently, but we all do. When I think about how much my life sucks sometimes, I think about how others have it so much worse.

20 Signs...

I started back up at school and my life has been filled with the usual nonsense. The classes are easy, and even enjoyable. The only challenge is Italian II. I barely remember Italian I so it's been an interesting ride trying to figure it out all at once. Yoga has been nice, and relaxing. I can finally use my mat again, after almost a full year of collecting dust. Archery has been fun as well. I'm one of the few in my class that has shot before, and it's seen clearly in my target by the time I finish. History is boring, but I have Kristen to help get me through it. English is interesting. I'm taking an autobiography class. We have to write about our lives and experiences. At 21, I've been through more than a lot of adults can say. Seeing where the memoir papers lead me will be interesting.
Josh and I are coming up on our 1 year anniversary next month. It seems like so long ago, but at the same time it feels like only a couple months at most. I read this article by Cosmo listing 20 signs you met your future husband. I read them and thought to myself that those 20 signs were completely true. Josh is perfect in every way. But I've been distant lately. The past couple weeks have been so weird. I love him completely to death, but it feels as if I'm loving him through a pane of glass. That's the best way I can think to describe it. I'm not sure why I feel that way, but I do. It isn't his fault, and I don't think it's mine. My past may play a part in some kind of attachment or commitment issues. I'm not really sure what it is. But I'm working to figure it out. I could spend days listing all of the reasons why Josh is perfect. I can also go on for days listing the reasons why I'm not perfect. And somewhere in that list is the answer as to why I feel this way. I think we all spent a part of our lives dreaming and creating this perfect mate. What color eyes they have, what exact color their skin will be, how long will their hair be, and what color? What kind of shows will they like, do they have pets, would they want kids, and how many? We secretly have this blueprint of our perfect soulmate in the back of our heads. I always figured I would settle for a great guy, but who was outside my plan. When I met Josh, the deal was done. He checked off everything I could have wanted in my future husband and more. He fit what I wanted, and what I needed in my life. So the question still remains: why am I trapped behind the pane of glass?