BFWB

Today Seth and I hung out unexpectedly. He was supposed to head home early to study for an exam he has tomorrow, but he wanted to stay around because he missed me. We spend at least a few hours together every day when we're on campus and we text incessantly. Yet, we still miss each other when we aren't physically together. Our dynamic is a unique one. Trying to explain what we have and what we are to people is next to impossible. We're very close friends, but we're also incredible lovers. One of Seth's greatest qualities is his caring nature. He's been so worried about me since my sickness started, and has been asking me multiple times a day how I feel and how I'm doing, and if I'm taking my antibiotics on time. We were hanging out just a few hours ago before he left. We were walking around and talking and laughing, and it was sweet. It's chilly fall weather, but not quite cold enough to bundle all the way up. We stopped under a tree as we were walking, and he pulled me close. He gave me a big hug and whispered in my ear that he loved me. I said it in return, and we continued to embrace. Eventually we separated and decided to part ways. We shared one final kiss under a shedding tree with acorns falling all around us. I walked in the direction of my class, and he towards his bus. I walked to my class with a smile on my face, and a warm feeling in my heart.
Seth and I have discussed dating, but it isn't in the cards for either of us. I'm actually very happy being single. I'm learning not to need validation from others to give myself value. Of course I would like to have a boyfriend at some point in time, but I am happy right now. I never thought I would be able to say that while still single. Seth is encouraging me to get out there and flirt with other guys and enjoy my youth. While it is scary, I know that growth can sometimes be uncomfortable. I enjoy my time with Seth, and we both love and value each other deeply. However, I know that I can't rely on him forever. For now, he is my security blanket. He makes me happy and feel comfortable. Holding his hand makes me feel more secure and grounded, and just texting him eases my anxiety when I'm stressed. I never thought that I would have a relationship like this with someone. It's like best friend with benefits, and I love it. I don't know why I felt compelled to write this. Looking back, it's very stupid and high school-ish. I'm basically just gushing over a boy, but he is one hell of a boy.

When It Rains

I really suck at staying up to date with these it seems. I'd make the excuse of being busy, but I'm really not. I'm only taking 13 credits of bullshit classes. While I do work 2 jobs as well, it's never too difficult to balance all in all.
A few days after my last post, Seth and I were able to arrange a sleepover. It took a lot of planning and careful maneuvering, but we made it happen. Seth got us a nice hotel room in the city right off Central Park, all the up on the 16th floor. We were up enough where all the people down below looked like ants, and we could walk around naked with the windows open not worrying about anyone seeing us. We had copious amounts of sex, but we also hung out a lot and bonded. We watched one of my favorite animated movies while cuddling up naked next to each other. We talked and laughed and enjoyed just being together. He took me out to dinner on the Upper West Side to a nice Italian place. It was an intimate dinner with some deep conversation and good food. We walked along Central Park holding hands and talking about life and sharing stories of times gone by. We got back to the hotel and decided to shower together. I was very nervous for this because showering with someone is scary for me. I had a bad experience prior to Josh, and it's followed me to this day. Seth tried to make me comfortable and bought a rubber duck from a gift shop around the corner. He did everything in his power to make me more comfortable and at ease. It was an overall enjoyable experience, but still a little uncomfortable at times. We finished the night off by eating junk food on the bed while watching American Dad and Family Guy reruns till 4am. We had sex one last time, then decided to go to sleep. I put on his tshirt and we snuggled until the morning. It was surreal waking up next to him. I was awake before he was, and I watched him sleep for a little while. He looked so peaceful and almost angelic as he slept, as most people do. Seth is a very outspoken person with many opinions and tons of sarcasm. He's the kind of person that can easily rub someone the wrong way. There were no sarcastic remarks or loud belly laughs or anything that made Seth himself. He was quietly laying next to me with a faint smile on his face while I thought about all the things that happened the night before. I fell back asleep only to have him frantically waking me up 10 minutes before our checkout time. We had both slept through an alarm to wake us up so we could pack our things before leaving. In a whirlwind, we packed our belongings and got dressed just in time to make it to check out only a couple of minutes late. As we parted ways a little while later, it dawned on me that I would be seeing Seth yet again the next day. I couldn't help but think about how amazing it is to have someone like him so close and so involved in my life.
That night, I began to have excruciating pain. I knew the pain all too well. It was a UTI. The last time I had one, I ended up in the hospital for nearly a week. Seth insisted on coming with me to a doctor to make sure I was ok, and that my nerves were settled. It was very sweet of him to do so. I got my antibiotics and the world was good yet again. The pain eventually subsided, and I finished my course of antibiotics the following week. The day after finishing, I went out with a friend to the East Village. I'm not used to having freedom in any regard, so for my parents to be ok with me venturing into the city late at night was confusing, but welcomed. The night was fun, and we enjoyed ourselves. It was a group of 5 of us. I took a shot of vodka with 2 of the guys, and smoked a lot of weed. I ended up at a gay bar, and it was very fun. Now that I'm single, the prospect of being with a female is totally realistic. I think.

Now on to the more serious matter at hand. I began writing this post last week before my life took a kind of serious turn, so the first portion of this post was much more light hearted than what I'm about to write.
Over the last few weeks (shortly after Seth and I had our sleepover), things started to go south. I got the UTI as stated earlier, but it got worse. I began to get cramps and feel a vague pain in my stomach. Then last week food started to cause me pain, so I stopped eating. I lost 12lbs over the course of 2 weeks from not eating. However, the pain wouldn't stop just because I stopped eating. I couldn't figure out what was wrong, and neither could anyone around me. We all had theories and ideas, but I avoided a doctor. The last time I saw a doctor for a somewhat serious medical issue, I ended up in the hospital. I tried to fix the problem myself, but nothing worked. On Monday the pain got too intense for me to handle, so I made a last minute appointment with my general doctor. I saw him on Tuesday and he told me that I needed to get to the emergency room to receive further testing and imaging. He was afraid that there was something wrong with my pancreas, or that I had ovarian cysts. So Tuesday night I spent 7hrs in the emergency room getting IV fluids, a CT scan, and a full blood and urine panel. I was praying that they would let me go home, but I was also hoping they would find something. I wanted answers as to why I was in so much pain and why I couldn't eat. The CT showed I had inflammation in my large intestine, but did not reveal why. I was told to see a specialist within 48hrs to receive further specialized care. I was eventually discharged and told to drink Gatorade to keep my electrolyte and glucose levels stable since I wasn't eating. The next day I spent most of my morning hunting down a specialist that could see me as soon as possible. Seth gave me the number of a doctor's office near his house, and they had an opening. So that brings us to today. I had my first ever assessment at the lab at 9am. I've observed plenty of assessments, but this was my first time being a part of one. I should have been so excited and happy, but I couldn't help but be nervous and anxious about my appointment later in the day. The time finally came for my appointment, and the doctor brought me into his office. He told me that the CT showed there was a mass in my uterus. He saw my extensive family history of cancer, and insisted I get the mass looked at by my OBGYN as soon as possible. He continued with my exam and told me that the inflammation could be caused by an imbalance of bacteria in my intestines. Sounds lovely, doesn't it? I'm going for a follow up appointment in 2 weeks to see how I'm progressing, and if I'll require a colonoscopy and/or endoscopy. For now, the mass in my uterus is at the forefront of my mind. I don't know what it is or how long it's been there. I was able to get an appointment with my OBGYN tomorrow morning, so I'm counting down the minutes until I see my doctor and get an answer as to what the mass is, and if it needs to be treated. Whatever the mass is, it isn't related to my other problem. It was caught on the CT purely by chance. The next 14hrs can't pass fast enough.

Better Now

I'm trying to keep updated on here from now on. Getting my thoughts and feelings out in the open feels good. It's different than therapy, and I rather enjoy it.
I've been very unsettled lately. Not in any particular mood, just a general feeling of being a bit unstable. I've been enjoying Seth's company a lot this week. We spent about 10hrs together on Monday, then another 8hrs Tuesday. Yesterday I wasn't feeling mentally up to having sex or doing much. There's a room that he and I for our encounters where no one goes. It's maybe around 15x15ft with 3 windows and working outlets to charge electronics. We've watched movies there, had plenty of sex, and yesterday we just hung out. He knew I wasn't mentally ok, so we just talked and enjoyed each other's company. We sat on the floor for about an hour and talked about nonsense. He made me smile and laugh, and I felt a little better. I became more at ease and we had ending up having sex anyway. Seth respects my boundaries and wishes, no matter how badly he wants to fuck me.
I've been keeping Josh in the loop with this stuff if he asks, and he thinks I'm forming the beginnings of a relationship with Seth. What Seth and I have is definitely different than anything I'm used to or have seen in the past. I forget whether I mentioned this in my last post, and I'm too lazy to look - but there's another girl in the picture. She usually gets him for entire weekends, while I have him daily during the week. Having another girl doesn't bother me. If anything it's a reassurance that I'm not slipping into my old ways. While Seth and I do love each other and care deeply for one another, neither of us wants nor needs a relationship. We're content with what we have. The only issue arising as of late would be that I'm beginning to feel jealous. The other girl gets him for 4 days in a row sometimes, and I only get him for 1-2hrs at a time. While it is nice seeing him every day at school, I wish he and I had more extended quality time. Monday and Tuesday were exceptions to the norm, obviously. Next week he and I have off for a Jewish holiday, so we're planning a night at a hotel in the city. He said he wants to take me someplace nice and treat me how I deserve to be treated. I'm very much looking forward to it. Having more than about 3hrs together is incredible for me, and he feels the same. He understands my jealousy and is trying to balance the system. What makes me feel better and helps with coping with the jealousy is knowing that he'd choose me over her. He's told me several times that he sees her more as a friend he fucks, and he doesn't love her at all or find her as attractive. He still likes her, but not nearly on the same level that he likes me. I'm aware that he could just be playing me and feeding me what I want to hear, but I doubt he would. I have small files of information on both the other girl and his ex. I could do damage to him and those he cares about. Knowing I have some power makes me more comfortable. Anyway, I know he loves me and I know I love him. I have no idea where this is leading either of us, but I'm enjoying the ride as we go. There's nothing you can do other than taking it one day at a time.

Head to the Clouds

It's been almost exactly 6 months since I last posted here. I don't even know how to explain what has happened.
Josh and I began to struggle in our relationship. Between our schedules and the distance from living in different states, we started to crumble. We tried to save it the best we could. He and I both had our shortcomings and contributions to the fall of our relationship. We are trying to maintain a friendship, and still be in each other's lives. It gets difficult because I am bitter inside. Not because of him, but because of myself. I wasn't ready for another relationship so soon after JP, but I jumped in head first thinking I could make it work. I'm an emotionally distant person, and I always have been to a degree. Josh needs someone who is more emotionally expressive and available. Over the past few months, I've been numb. I got another job at a lab on campus, and have been running myself into the ground with the amount of stress I've taken on. My summer was spent taking summer classes, working 2 jobs, and trying to balance and repair my relationship. In the month of June I did not have a single day off. I was always either working, going to class, or traveling interstate. Over the course of the summer, I had many moments of mental and emotional instability. I had full on meltdowns, and distanced myself from the people I love. I worked myself close to death. I hated it, but I also loved it. The more I worked, the less time I had to focus on my problems and mental health issues. By the end of the summer, my mind was on the verge of a complete shutdown. It was the most unstable I had ever felt. The thoughts of killing myself floated in and out, and it became disturbingly normal. Due to my increasing anxiety, I was prescribed Xanax. To further quell my anxiety and depression, I've taken to smoking copious amounts of weed. I smoke every night before bed, and even during the day if needed. Since the breakup 3 weeks ago, I've been rapidly losing weight. I've completely lost my appetite, and can't stomach food without smoking first. I've gone over 24hrs without food and have not felt the least bit hungry. My pants are becoming loose on me, and I've been dropping weight faster than can possibly be healthy. I need to force feed myself to keep the weight on, and to appear normal in front of my family. It's a struggle every day to return myself to normal. I do not want to be depressed anymore. I'm mentally falling apart, and I don't know how to recover.
There's a guy I have been talking to since the beginning of summer. Let's call him Seth. Seth and I were in the same English class last semester, and he approached me at the end of the last class and asked for my email. We were writing papers on the same topic, and he wanted to work on them together. We began emailing about class and the paper, and we kept it fairly professional. After the paper was submitted, we started talking on a more personal level. He flirted with me, and eventually hit on me directly. While flattered, I was still with Josh. However, we continued talking and eventually exchanged numbers. The more we talked, the more we hit it off. The relationship he and I have cannot be easily explained or defined. He's been a major support for me, and we've bonded deeply. In addition to this friendship, we've been getting sexually involved. We don't put a label on what we have, and we don't have any expectations of where it may lead. We see each other every day when we're on campus 4 days a week. He's helped me remain somewhat sane and stable through all of this. He is a good person, and I believe he genuinely cares about my wellbeing. However, I am still guarded to a great degree. He understands where I've come from and the kind of trauma I've been through. I am not looking for a relationship, and neither is he. We are both on the same page with everything, and that is what I need most right now. The mutual understanding between us is a beautiful thing. We care deeply about each other, and have even exchanged words of love.
I don't know where my life is going or what I'm doing anymore. I feel lost and stuck. I'm applying for graduate school and I'm in the middle of writing my essay. Seth is an English major, so I had him review my essay. He then shared it with his father who works as a teacher at my college and his mother who is in the field of psychology with an advanced degree. Seth and his mom both have access to the document online, and have been helping me edit and tweak it until it is perfect. I don't know what I will do if I don't get accepted into graduate school. As of right now, my life feels pretty worthless and pointless. While high last night, I bought a song entitled "Fuck Up" because it spoke to me.

"And I'm sorry. But I promise that I hate me more than you do."

Lace

Last night was a first for me. After all these years, I finally went to a strip club. Josh and I went together after a nice dinner to celebrate our (almost) 2yr anniversary. We each got a drink with entry and sat in an area close to the main stage. We talked, drank, watched, and I took a shot with a bottle girl. There was one girl I liked in particular, and Josh was able to find her and get a dance for me. She had a beautiful ass, nice
tits, and I could tell she was good looking under her layers of makeup. I felt her skin with my lips and smelled her hair as she kissed my neck. I watched as she danced on me, and figured out why men love strip clubs. Josh and I left after 2 hours of watching the girls, and went home. We ate a homemade dessert I had whipped up earlier, and went to bed. Together we slept into the late morning and enjoyed a lazy day waking up. I can't believe it's almost 2yrs that Josh and I have been together. I suppose time flies when you're having fun. Or at strip clubs.

Sister Morphine

It's been a while since I've written. I've been feeling in a weird head space. I feel anxious and depressed at odd times. It isn't provoked or warranted. I was sitting through a lecture today with an anxiety level of maybe 5/10. That's pretty bad for having no reason whatsoever to be anxious. It's annoying. As I begin to learn more from my higher level psychology classes, I can accurately gauge was is medically deemed as normal and abnormal. My current psychopathology professor humanizes her patients, and takes her time to figure out the intricacies of their thought patterns and behaviors. She doesn't just teach the science behind benzodiazepine or SSRIs, but emphases the patient. While I'm learning a lot from her as a professor, I am also learning from her as a mental health care professional. This vein of psychology is the one I am most interested in. Learning about diseases and disorders and phobias and treatments and therapies. It's all so fascinating to me. We watched a video of a woman who filmed herself while in manic state, and then again in a depressive state. It's much different to see a patient in person as opposed to reading about a certain condition on paper. I'm thoroughly enjoying my classes thus far. I feel as if I'm bonding with one of my female English professors. I need 2 professors to give me letters of recommendation, so I do believe she could be #2. It's only been about a month and a half, but we frequently talk during and before lectures. While I may disagree with some of her standpoints on both literature and history, she is still a good person. She genuinely makes me smile by commending my participation or encouraging my questions. On the negative side of school, I got a 74 on a test. I want to email the professor to look over the exam face to face so I can see what I did wrong.
Besides school, my person life is ok. Just ok. Josh and I are good, but not outstanding. I've had an issue with expressing emotions and thoughts throughout my life. It's never easy for me to let down the wall that's guarding my emotions. I was never open about my emotions or feelings with anyone really. I tried as hard as I could with JP, but it just didn't work out. And since I got so badly burned and hurt, I put my wall back up extra tall and extra heavy. Even when watching a funny movie, I don't laugh at the funny parts. I see the humor in it, and I understand it. But laughing or smiling isn't needed to enjoy the movie. I do an internal smile instead. I don't know why, but I don't like expressing any positive emotion. Positive emotions can be broken down by someone else if you let those emotions run free. It sucks because although I love Josh and our relationship, I'm still emotionally limited. I'm afraid to fully attach to someone else in fear of getting hurt again. I opened my soul to the wrong person and paid the price for it. But Josh deserves better. He deserves someone that will laugh with him and have the bubbly personality he loves. I used to do that. I used to be that person. Then I felt myself falling for him and I got anxious and scared. What if I become completely emotionally naked and show him every aspect of my soul, and he leaves. Maybe not right then, but a month from then. Or a year from then. Or 10 years from then. I don't want to get hurt again. I'm creating a distance between us as a defense mechanism, and it isn't fair to him. I'm a mentally and emotionally damaged person. My past has destroyed any hope for a mentally and emotionally normal future.
As I sit here in bed with one of my cats cuddled up next to me, I try to count my blessings. I've been very fortunate for most of my life. I've developed so much over the last 5 years since leaving high school. My personality now is much different than even 3 years ago. My mom has always described her late grandmother as being "murderous". She said what she said because she wanted to say it and so she did. She was unapologetic and gave less than 0 fucks if you were offended or didn't agree with her. She wasn't afraid of anybody, even in old age. Although I never had the pleasure of meeting her myself, she is my goal in life - not to give a single shit about what others think. To an extent, I do this subliminally almost daily. I don't dress for success or hold my tongue in class. If I don't like you, you know that I don't like you. But being that abrasive isn't always an attractive quality. While I want to be softer for Josh, I also don't want to get too emotional because after all, I have to mask my feelings after all. This has been a super long blog post but it's been forever since the last one so I figured why not write a massive juicy entry.

What Is Abnormal?

It's been a while since I've written. The last few weeks have been an interesting combination of both boring and stressful as hell. Preparing for graduate school is a daunting task. There's a lot to get done and a lot of information that I need to gather and compile. My semester also started this week. My classes seem manageable, and dare I say enjoyable. I think I met someone who is a potential friend, and could be beneficial to me on campus. I don't know how to socialize or make friends very well, so I don't know how to exchange contact information just yet.
I'm taking a psychopathology class this semester and even the first class was fascinating. We debated the definition of "abnormal", and how to go about diagnosing abnormal behavior. One person's normal is another person's abnormal. Abnormal seems to take on a very subjective meaning in certain circumstances. I was watching tv earlier and there was an interview with a girl who was raped and beaten numerous times, and now claims she's too depressed to work or do anything. That's abnormal to me. I went through much worse than she did, and I'm out here working and in school and going about my life. I didn't let it affect me. Which one of us is abnormal? The one who is severely outwardly affected by the trauma, or the one who moved past it and didn't let it affect their life? Am I abnormal for being emotionally stronger than her? Or is she abnormal for being emotionally weaker than me? Looking at the big picture, I feel as if I'm the abnormal one. In every case of female rape/violence portrayed on tv or in movies or books or even interviews with real people, the victims always seem helpless to me. They can't hold down jobs, they get severely depressed, they can't take care of themselves, and they overall live a sad life. I feel like the only person who took those experiences and moved on. I'm still emotionally and mentally damaged, of course. However, I don't let it affect how I take care of myself and direct my life. I catch myself scoffing at these women in the media playing the sympathy card when I've been through things they couldn't even imagine. I don't see my past as something to be afraid of or something that will haunt me forever. I made it through a very toxic place in my life, and moved beyond the person who did me so much wrong. Is moving on with my life abnormal? Or should I dwell on it and bathe in the toxic waste like so many others seem to do? It's all subjective.