John, Calvin, and Chanel

Since taking the GRE I feel as if a lot has happened, but at the same time like nothing has happened. To celebrate the GRE and just spend some time together, Leo and I hung out for an entire day. He picked me up and we went back to his place. We had the house to ourselves so I got him high for the first time. We were cooking food, taking hits, and listening to some music. It was overall pretty fun. We watched Napoleon Dynamite which I hadn't seen in many many years, and it was funnier than I remembered. My memory is somewhat cloudy, but he and I ended up sleeping together on his couch. Or at least I slept. I somehow ended up on top of him laying on his chest and fell asleep. Apparently while asleep there was a moment where I pulled him closer to me. I want to convince myself it was just a primal instinct for warmth or comfort, but from a psychological perspective usually gripping someone close to you means you love them deeply. I do love Leo very deeply, but there are lines that cannot be crossed at this point in time. I have my own things going on with Seth and he has his dealing with someone else as well. Neither of us are mentally or emotionally ready to try some form of a dating relationship just yet. We've both thought about it and expressed interest in trying it, so there is potential. We're both single and don't have much to lose. One of the reasons why I am apprehensive is that I don't want to ruin our friendship. I was lucky with Josh in that he and I are still close and talk frequently. There were rough patches, but I still consider us very good friends. However, that is unfortunately more so the exception to the rule. Most relationships end in a messy disaster that leaves both parties broken and hurt. I don't want to have that with Leo and I. It's still an avenue that needs to be explored, but for now I am steering clear of that boundary.
On the more practical adult end of life I interviewed for the job at the hospital twice now. The first time went very well. I met with the woman I would be replacing along with a person who would train me for the position. The meeting went exceedingly well in my opinion. It went well enough to warrant a second interview, and this time with the doctor who I would be working for. I was most nervous for that meeting, and I'm still unsure of how it went. It was difficult at times to gauge his thoughts or reactions, but overall I believe I did well. I should be hearing back in a 2-3 weeks as to whether I'm moving to the next round or have outright been chosen for the position. I hope I get the job. It's everything I could ever hope for all in one job. The experience would be priceless, and that job would look incredible on a resume in the future. There is also potential to perform my own research. I also invested nearly $200 in professional clothing, so I better get back that investment.
After the secondary interview with the doctor, Seth and I went out to lunch. We had a casual lunch date and it was pleasant. We went back to his house after lunch, and I spent a lot of time on the floor with his dogs. I was in a white button up tucked into grey work pants with nice black boots, and I was promptly covered in dog hair. One of the dogs is a beefy Victorian Bulldog who loves to wrestle and play. We played fetch for a little while then I snuggled up next to the other dog who is a very wrinkly Pug Sharpei mix. She is smaller than the other two dogs, but definitely has some attitude. She warmed up to me right away when I first met her, and Seth's entire family said they had never seen her love someone so quickly. She and I sat on the couch together watching Seth rough house with the bulldog. After a while of hanging out with his sister and the dogs we retreated to his room. We had celebratory interview sex then cuddled up with Netflix. We were watching a show when he pulled me close and kissed the top of my head. I squeezed him back and we both smiled. After another round, Seth was sitting on the edge of the bed. I came up behind him, hugged him, and put my face against his bare shoulder. I saw him smile and I told him I loved him. He reciprocated the sentiment and we stayed there for a few moments. I felt his breathing and how soft his skin felt on my cheek. I closed my eyes and let out a content sigh. He asked if I was happy, and I told him how much he meant to me. We lingered in the tender moment for a little while longer before I had to leave. Those moments are what help me reconsile my feelings when it comes to the other girl in the picture. I know he has his fun weekends or nights with her, but he always comes back to me. I have dinner with his family and play with his dogs and hang out with his sister. I know his strengths and weaknesses and insecurities. We have a weekly date night and always try to see each other at least twice a week. I know that I am more meaningful to him than she is. She is purely a sexual being that he has fun with, and does things with that I am not capable of doing. It sounds like a petty thing to say, but I also feel as if I am better looking and in better shape. He himself has said she isn't the prettiest. Anyway, it is those sweet moments he and I share that define us as lovers. He is such a tender person, and not many people see that side of him. I know for a fact that she does not. Under his rough exterior is a wonderful human being whom I love very much. He is dear to me, and I know those feelings are  reciprocated without a doubt. Whoever ends up dating him in the future will be a very lucky woman. 
Anyway. On a fun (less emotional) side note, I may need dental surgery for an impacted wisdom tooth. I'm seeing a dentist tomorrow about it. It's gotten progressively worse over the last 24hrs and I'm somewhat scared of what the dentist will say. I will most likely need surgery to remove it which I am not looking forward to. I took some percocet earlier and the pain still hasn't diminished enough for my liking. I'm not sure how I will sleep until this is resolved, but something tells me it will be torture.

297

I took the Graduate Record Exam (GRE) today. I bought a review book for the exam that contained pertinent information and practice tests. Imagine the SATs you took in high school, but on steroids. Included in the GRE are two math sections. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate math and am terrible at it. I'm not sure how, but I was miraculously able to enlist Leo as my personal math tutor. We Skyped the last couple days for many many hours doing the ridiculous math problems and talking through the steps. I wasn't sure if the tutoring would have any effect since my memory is usually shitty at best. What if I completely forget everything he took the time to explain to me?
As I was driving to the exam center I was blasting my recent song obsession on a loop and singing along to try and avoid the anxiety. I got mildly lost on my way there, but that isn't out of character for me. I got to the center early, so I decided to go over my notes one last time. I skimmed through the pages and began to feel a minor panic. I closed the books and forced myself out of the car. I made my way to the testing rooms and I became eerily calm. I took a deep breath before starting the timer for the test. I was nervous, but felt a slight sense of confidence. I made my way to the math sections, and was baffled for some of the questions. I made educated (sometimes random) guesses and hoped for the best. I finished the test with time to spare. I clicked forward a couple pages until I saw my score. It gave me individual scores from both the math and reading comprehension sections. I added up the scores and ended up with 297. I sat there for a minute feeling confused and somewhat baffled. I double checked my math and determined that I was correct the first time. I made my way out of the testing room and grabbed my phone. I did the calculations for what my score translated to by way of a percentage. I got an 87 on my first try taking the GRE. People study for months and take prep courses before actually taking the exam. I only had a few weeks (but didn't really study too intensely until last week) to study and didn't take a prep course at all. Somehow I managed to work/bullshit my way through a fairly difficult test. I know people who have taken it several times and not gotten above an 80. I would give my stunningly fantastic guessing skills all the credit, but Leo deserves most of the accolades for this achievement. He took time out of his life to attempt to tutor me. It is nearly impossible to explain math to me in a way I will actually understand, but he did it. He sacrificed valuable sleep and time to help me, and it seemed to have actually worked. What he gets out of helping me I will probably never know or understand. I'm going over to his place on Sunday and I'm getting him high for the first time. I'm wondering what his reaction will be and what his tolerance is like.
Now that the GRE is over I have time to relax and breathe for a little while. The potential job is sounding more and more positive as time goes on, so I'm not running myself ragged job hunting per usual. I'm in a good place right now. I hope it lasts for a while this time. That would be nice.

Two Dots and a Lollipop

I can't believe I've let a month go by without a post. This feels like the fastest January in recent memory. While it feels like it's gone by extremely quickly, a lot has happened.
I've been applying for jobs nonstop. I need something to fill my time before graduate school. I've applied to one program thus far, but I still need to apply to several. It feels like all I do is job hunt, go to work, and occasionally see a friend (mainly Seth). The job search has been very dry with little to no interest or follow up from potential employers. However, I got a call today. I was at an arcade with Seth playing our favorite giant Pac-Man game when I got the call. I didn't have my phone on me at the time, so I missed it. As soon as I checked my phone when we got back to the car I saw I had a voicemail. It was from one of the hospitals I had applied to. The man said that he saw my application and I was definitely qualified for the position, but there was another job he thought may fit my interests better. Most of the jobs I've been applying to have been menial secretarial or assistant positions that ultimately I wouldn't mind leaving behind when grad school begins. However, this position was different. The man said there was going to be a position opening up in the research department of a local psychiatric hospital. I immediately called him back and we spoke briefly. He said he would pass along my application to the research department and have them determine the next step. I sat there in silence for a few seconds after hanging up the phone and Seth grabbed my hand and congratulated me on finally getting a call back. We sat in silence for a little while, and I began to tear up. I've been applying for jobs for so long and have heard nothing back. But now not only have I heard back, but I could potentially be offered a full-time research position at a psychiatric hospital right out of undergrad. I wiped away the tears that were forming in my eyes, and changed the topic. We discussed where we would eat, and eventually chose a place. For the remaining couple hours together I was mostly pretty quiet. I was in a state of shock. I dropped Seth off at home then drove to pick my mom up from work. I told her about the potential job and she was happy for me. I told my dad as soon as we got home and he was even happier than my mom. I sent the guy who called me a followup email, and I hope to hear back tomorrow. Maybe my streak of being bored and depressed around the house all day is coming to an end.
Between the busy days of job hunting and working, I've been fitting in some fun activities. My dad said last week that I am now 23 and should be enjoying my youth while I still have time before I start a full-time job or begin graduate school. Just last week I went out for weekly date night with Seth and I tried cow tongue and intestine. Most people wouldn't find those kinds of things appealing, but I've always loved trying new things. Food is something I genuinely love, so when the opportunity arises for me to try something new I very rarely turn it down (if ever). Leo has also been a major part of my enjoying the more fun and adventurous things in life. He took me rock climbing a couple weeks ago and I loved it. My body hurt for about a week afterwards, but I think it was worth it. I had a lot of fun and gained some experience doing something completely new. Another incredible thing he treated me to was surprising me with a shooting range. Leo has known that I've wanted to learn about guns and how to use them for a while now. He has prior experience with guns, so the introductory course was mainly for me. I shot 2 different kinds of guns and did well over all. My parents, our instructor, and Leo all said I did well for my first time ever handling a gun. I kept both of my targets, and have them next to my bed. I also took a casing from each of the guns I shot which I keep on my dresser.
My 2019 seems to be starting out on the right foot. The job search has been very stressful, depressing, and anxiety-inducing, but it looks as if that may change. If this job ends up happening, it would not start until April. That would give me a couple of months to relax and enjoy my life a little before settling into a job. There are many things going through my head in regards to this potential job, but I will cross some of those bridges when I get to them. In the mean time, all I can hope for is some good luck and fun new adventures to have while I still can.

X-T-C

This is my first post since the end of 2018. A lot happened this past year. It almost doesn't feel real in some ways. I celebrated my 2 year anniversary with Josh, met Seth, broke up with Josh, started an interesting relationship with Seth, graduated from undergrad with my BA, and got rejected from graduate school. It's been a mix of a lot of good and bad things. One thing I haven't mentioned on here is that I've become involved with another guy besides Seth. He lives in Las Vegas, and is a good friend of Seth's. He gave me his number because we have some things in common and thought we would get along. I found out after the fact that his intention was to have us hook up. Seth knows that he's my security blanket and I always want to cling to him without going out on my own. This was his way of giving me a little push in the right direction and expanding me beyond my comfort zone of just him. Let's call this new guy Skye. Skye is an awesome person, and we do have a lot in common. We met for the first time about a week ago after texting for a few weeks since he was in town for the holidays. After much hesitation on my end, he and I hooked up. I was very careful not to put myself or Seth at risk by doing something sexually unsafe. A new and odd component to this relationship is that I've taken on the rope of a dom, and he the sub. I was unsure as to how it would go because I've never done anything like that before. Apparently I'm a natural. It felt good having an outlet for my anger and frustration about life. I won't go into great detail, but there were many things I had never tried before and I loved every second of it. Skye will only be in town once every couple months, so he'll be a fun boy toy to have. However, Seth is still my #1 by far.
After Seth spending Christmas Eve with my family, I spent New Year's Eve with his. I picked him up from work and we drove around a neighborhood by his house checking out houses and criticizing them like architects. I very much enjoyed laughed and having fun alone with him. We eventually made our way to his house, and his parents greeted me. We all talked for a bit, then Seth and I retreated to his room. It started out with us looking at some old kid's books and photos, and me pinching his cheeks telling him how cute he was (and still is). I was laying on his bed talking to him, and he told me to give him my glasses. He was far enough away from me that I couldn't give it to him without getting up. I got up and gave them to him, then he told me to undress. I knew what that meant. I was excited. I did what was asked of me, and things began. I'll spare most of the details, but there were important moments. Seth used rope and tied my hands behind my back in a tight knot. I was restrained with the rope, and he ran it between my legs so he could control me. He and I had talked about things like that. I wanted to try it, but I was hesitant because of the abuse from my past. I didn't want to trigger a panic attack because I felt restrained and powerless. Everything went ok to begin with, then he threw me onto the bed and wrapped the rope around my neck. He started to choke me with the rope, and I was scared at first. But he broke the dom persona for a moment (which is a huge no no when in the middle of sex like that) to ask if I felt comfortable and safe. Just him asking that made me feel at ease. I told him yes and we kept going. I wanted to push my boundaries and see where it led me. Surprisingly, I mostly enjoyed the venture. He and I spoke about it once we were done. The fact that he took his time and wanted to make sure I was ok meant a lot to me. He ensured I had a way out in case I was too scared or uncomfortable with things. I told him I wanted to try new things, and he made sure to do it in such a way that still made me feel safe with the illusion of being trapped and helpless. However, the rope let marks around my neck that I'm now having to cover with makeup. While that part is annoying, I think over all it was worth it. We had dinner with his family and talked for a couple hours. There were a lot of laughs and good discussion. After we had dessert, Seth and I returned to his room for rounds 2 and 3. Afterwards, we just laid there together talking and hanging out on his bed. That level of intimacy is something I never have with him. We were always doing it on the fly, trying not to get caught by someone on campus. Having the ability to just lay there together after things settled down was an incredible feeling. The hours went by faster than usual, and before we knew it it was almost midnight. We made a fire in the living room and we all gathered around the TV to watch the countdown. As the ball reached the bottom Seth kissed me sweetly, and we both smiled. We continued to talk a while with his parents, and eat cookies that his mom made. After a while, I needed to leave to get home. It would make sense for me to stay the night to avoid any drunk drivers, but my parents would never allow that. As soon as I departed I already missed him. I missed playing with his hair and earlobes, and teasing him because of his baby pictures. I missed his voice and the way he held my hand. Most of all I missed the looks he would give me. Every once in a while I would look over and catch him giving me these looks of adoration and love. Something in his eyes spoke to me what words couldn't express. He's a great person with great intentions, and an even greater heart. My birthday is this Saturday, and Seth insists we go out. He wants to take me to one of his favorite bakeries in the city, then I want to show him a mineral/fossil store that I love. Then we'll maybe do a museum and dinner, then head home. It meant a lot to me that he insisted we go out for my birthday. He knows my family doesn't do much to celebrate my birthday, and wanted to still make it special for me. It was extremely sweet of him. That soft side of him is something not a lot of people see. Seth is very rough around the edges, and he isn't for everyone. He tends to be a bit crass and harsh in the things he says. But on the inside he is one of the sweetest people I've ever met. After I got home, I asked Seth what his parents thought of me. His mother thought I was very sweet, and his father was impressed with how openly I spoke my mind and shared different opinions. It meant a lot for his parents to like me and genuinely enjoy having me over.
While 2018 was a crazy year for me, I hope 2019 is filled with even more positive things for me to write about on here. My New Year's resolution is to learn how to love and accept myself. I've never given myself much value, and I want to change that. 2019 is going to be a big year, and I'll look back and read this on New Year's Day in 2020. I want to be able to accomplish my goals and become a better me. In doing this I feel like I will finally learn to be happy, and happiness is truly all I want from life.

The Eve

There have been a lot of developments since the last posting. But I'm going to write this post about the most important, in my opinion. A few days ago my mother invited Seth to spend Christmas Eve with us. My parents still hadn't met him, and I guess she figured it would be a good time. Not only would my parents and brother be there, but also my aunt and male cousins. I was hesitant because I wasn't sure what to expect. When I brought it up to Seth, he seemed excited about it. He officially accepted the offer and the plan was put into motion. Christmas Eve rolled around and after doing some last minute cleaning I set out to pick Seth up. I drove about 20 minutes to his house and he insisted I come inside. I followed his instructions and I was greeted by his family. His mother made fresh cookies for him to bring my family, and his sister gave me a cool camel bone pocket knife as a small Christmas gift. I hugged them and pet the dogs quickly before leaving with Seth. We talked on the way to my house and both expressed our nerves. I parked in the driveway and just as I opened the door to my house I turned to Seth and gave him a kiss. We walked inside and the socializing began. Seth spent about 5 hours with my family. We all talked and laughed and ate and laughed some more. When it came time to exchange presents, Seth stood and watched us open our new sets of pajamas each year. People were socializing and enjoying their gifts, and I looked up at Seth. He and I shared a very special moment by simply looking at each other. He said it felt like an emotional kiss between us without it physically happening. We just looked into each other's eyes and it was just us for a moment. There were people talking and gifts being opened, but in that moment it was just he and I. The loving look in his eyes made me feel warm inside. While he can sometimes look hostile or angry on the outside, he is an incredible man on the inside. I can say without a doubt that I truly do love him and want him in my life for a very long time to come.
Once my aunt and cousins left to go home, Seth and I followed shortly thereafter. He said he liked my family and thought they were sweet, but was skeptical if they were truly being kind or just putting up a front so they could assess him. I couldn't speak to what they were doing. Seth and I got handsy on the drive to his place and we fooled around in the car. Once I dropped him at his place we both got out of the car to hug. It will be a week until I see him again. We hugged and kissed and hugged some more. Eventually I had to detach myself and head home. I gave him one final kiss and then departed for the drive home. The entire way home I was thinking about how it went and smiling to myself. I got into a minor accident on the way, but nothing too major. I finally got home and asked everyone what they thought. They all seemed to come to the same vague consensus of liking him, but not providing much detail.
Next week I'm going to be spending New Year's Eve/New Year's at his house with his family. He and I will not have much time together from this point on since we will both have jobs and things to do. We both want to savor every moment we have together. It is a beautiful thing what we have, and I intend on making it last for a very long while to come.

Continental

It was finally the end of the semester. Seth and I both finished our last day of our last semester of our undergraduate careers. We went out for our usual date night once a week, but we switched it up. He decided to surprise me with a new place we hadn't gone to before. It was in the same neighborhood where my grandmother used to live before she died many years ago. I spent a lot of time in that neighborhood during my childhood. We found the restaurant and it was much nicer than the places we usually choose. He and I ordered drinks and talked for a while. We ate good food and had good conversation. I looked up at him at one point as he was eating. He had a slight smile on his face while he took a sip from his drink, and looked at me. His smile got bigger and we just stared at each other for a moment. He looked so handsome sitting there. He wore a button up and the jeans he knew I liked, and made an attempt to make his hair not as messy. The restuarant was dim, but there were string lights next to our table that cast a very pleasing light onto Seth's face. As we talked, I couldn't help but think how much I would miss those moments. I'm going to miss seeing the sparkle in his eye when our food gets to the table, and his small rants about various happenings in the world as I just sit there lovingly watching as he grows increasingly more enthusiastic as his rant continues on.
I was on my third drink, and I decided to excuse myself to the bathroom. I closed the door and looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were teary, and my throat felt tight. I could feel the sadness washing over me, but I couldn't wallow for too long. I recovered my senses and returned to Seth. He told me we'd go to a bakery around the corner for dessert, and that made me happy. We ate our cake slices and talked and laughed some more. I kept looking over Seth's shoulder to see my grandmother's apartment building. I began to think how long ago my childhood really was. I'm turning 23 soon. I remember in that very apartment when I turned 10, my grandmother expressed to me how happy she was that I finally got to the double digits in age. I felt like I was really growing up. Little did I know that at a bakery down the street 13 years later I would be sitting with my lover discussing my life's failures and regrets. I wish I was 10 again. Back when I didn't have many problems yet. Life was still relatively simple. But as you grow older, you begin to see how messy and complicated life can truly be.

Unfavorable Qualities

So much for keeping this updated. I've been going through a bad depressive swing, so I'm not all here mentally. I realized that I never wrote what happened with my medical issues. After the final round of imaging, everything came back clean. The masses were nothing to be worried about. I was relieved that I could finally start to live my life again after almost 2 months of being sick. Seth has been nothing but wonderful, per usual. For the last round of imaging he came with me. He even filled out special paperwork so he could be in the room with me as I got the MRI. He sat right outside the machine by my feet and kept a hand on my right foot. He would rub it and play with my toes every once in a while to remind me that he was still there. He does so many little things just to make me happy. He surprises me with food he knows I love, he moves around various appointments if he sees I want to hang out for longer, and most recently he bought me a pair of boots yesterday.
A few days ago I got my graduate school decision via email. Seth and I were in the library together about to get a private study room so we could watch a movie together. I glanced at my phone and gasped, and he asked if the decision was in. I nodded yes and he told me to wait till we got set up in our room to open it. I could barely breathe the entire time we walked to the room and I unpacked my things. I opened my laptop and checked the email. I was rerouted to another website, and it told me to click a link to see my decision. I sat there for a solid 10 minutes venting to Seth about what will happen if I don't get in, and how I was too anxious to click it. Eventually he talked me into doing it, and I read the decision. As soon as I read "We regret...", I sat back in my chair and Seth hugged me. He said he was sorry, but I shouldn't let one rejection get me down. We talked for a little while about what it meant for my future, and what I needed to do from there. He left the room to get water, and I opened the rejection again. I read it numerous times in detail to try and see where it all went wrong. The only comment the department left on the rejection was that all slots were full for that semester. It was vague, and didn't give me any suggested areas to improve upon. Once he returned, Seth and I settled in for our movie (Christmas Story, as Seth had never seen it before). We laughed and talked, and I think he enjoyed it more than he's willing to admit.
I usually prefer to go in sequential order, but I want to end this post on a positive note. On Tuesday (before the rejection), I met Seth's family. He and I grabbed dinner, watched a terrible rendition of Little Shop of Horrors at our school, then I drove him home. I was nervous to meet his family, but it had to be done. I met his dad first, then his mom, the dogs, and finally his sister. We all sat gathered in the living room and talked for about 2 hours. I read his mother's psychology dissertation and was fascinated. She and I spoke about research logistics and other various components of psychology. I played with the three dogs all while carrying on conversation. The smallest of the dogs (a pug mix) came right over to me and plopped her head onto my lap as soon as I sat down. None of them had ever seen her be that comfortable with someone so quickly. Eventually after talking in the living room, Seth showed me his room. He had mountains of books, all meticulously kept in alphabetical order by author's last name. He's a very smart person, and so are his parents. He and his sister weren't allowed to watch TV growing up, so they spent much of their time reading, tracing maps, and watching old black and white movies. After laying on his bed and talking for a while, it was time for me to depart. Time always flies when Seth and I are together. I want very badly to go back to his house and see his family again. It felt so good to be brought into his personal life. Apparently he talks about me fairly often to his family, so they knew of me well before I came by their house. They even invited me over for Thanksgiving prior to meeting me because Seth speaks so highly of me.
It seems like the perfect situation to start to fall in love and start a relationship, doesn't it? I've met his family and they genuinely like me. He and I talk incessantly, and get lonely when the other person doesn't/can't respond. We see each other numerous times a week multiple times a day and never get bored. He treats me so well, and loves me deeply. However, loving someone and being in love are different. I'm not in love, and neither is he. It doesn't make sense as to why I'm not head over heels for him, but I'm trying not to pick at it too much. It works for us, and I don't want to ruin that with overthinking.