The Valkyrie

Friday, September 18, 2020

Odla

It's been exactly a month since my last post, and a lot has happened. Emotionally I'm feeling better. I opted to keep his ashes and requested a clay paw print. It took about a week and half for him to be ready, and I was completely fine driving there. The day had been spent with Seth, then running various errands on the way home. When the vet tech handed me the purple bag with his things inside through my car window and I politely said thank you and she went back inside the building. I took a look at the bag and started to cry. I thought I was emotionally ok, but I guess I had some sorrows repressed down to keep myself afloat. I sat in the car and talked to him for a few minutes and had a little crying session. Then I told myself to buck up and continue my errands. For now I have him in a small box wrapped in purple paper, and his clay paw print still in the bag. I don't have my own room quite yet, so I haven't figured out a display for it or if I even want to keep it out in the open. I'm still emotional as I write this, but everything heals in due time.

As for another aspect of my life, I started graduate school. It's been intimidating, scary, and confusing at times. However, pretty much my entire cohort has a group chat where we discuss classes and professors and assignments. We help each other out and give support and encouragement when needed. Overall, I'm happy. I wouldn't say there's been a copious amount of work, but it's enough to keep me busy at times. I reduced my hours to part time and it feels strange having days off. I technically have three days off per week and it's unusual. I'm accustomed to having maybe one day a week, if any. I've gone over a month without a single day off because of how much I work. For most people having days off would be relaxing and pleasant, but for me I feel like I'm not doing enough or working to my full potential. I guess maybe you'd say I'm a workaholic, but I enjoy keeping busy. Luckily, I have the ability to keep myself busy with school work now. Being able to sleep in has felt amazing and I genuinely do enjoy that aspect. I tend to do most of my work at night so it feels nice not having to give myself a bed time so I could start work early the next morning. I'm still getting used to doing homework and having deadlines, but thus far I have all perfect scores except one 90%. I think I'm doing well, but it's only been a few weeks. I had to purchase a giant dry erase calendar just to keep track of all my assignments and quizzes and paper deadlines. Grad school isn't easy, but it also isn't as difficult as I first thought.

Another major event that happened concerned my car. I went to leave my house last weekend only to find that my entire driver's side had been badly damaged from someone side swiping it. I ended up not using my insurance to keep a clean record and had to pay $2k out of pocket. Luckily I have money to fall back on that's tied up in investments and the stock market. The last couple months have treated me well, so I felt comfortable taking some of the money. The silver lining to paying for the damage was that I decided while I was moving money around I may as well take out enough to pay the entire car off. I'm extremely fortunate to have the means to pay off a car at my age, but that isn't to say I didn't work for it. I was able to pay off most of my car loan through just my paychecks from my full time office job. However, with me cutting down to part time hours and still having to pay insurance every month was getting too expensive for me to handle on a part time paycheck. The money is officially in the process of transferring as I write this, and this time next week the title of the car will be solely in my name. The car will no longer be half mine and half the bank's. Now that it is (almost) paid off, I plan on starting to save my money and contributing more to my IRA. I know it might sound silly to be contributing to a retirement fund while still in my early 20's, but I guess this is how you become an adult. As a side note, I've also started to sprout several grey hairs that just seem to be multiplying. Weirdly enough, I don't care. I think it's actually kind of cool to be honest. So yeah, that's my life right now. Slowly but surely becoming an "adult". Some days are better than others, but 2020 has been quite the trip.

Here are some songs to hopefully get your minds off things. Just keep in mind that when things feel like they can't get worse, they always can. Count your blessings and stay grateful for every thing and every one you love. Always remember - "Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success."

you broke me first

Dissolve

Don't Forget About Me

Tuesday, August 18, 2020

F2020

This is a difficult feeling to confront, but I want to at least get some of it out of my head and my heart. Anyone that knows me knows that I love cats. I have two of them, Stoney and Muffin. We had to put Stoney to sleep on Saturday and I'm emotionally wrecked. I had spent almost a week with Seth and was sad to leave his house. I ended up crying in his arms because I was so sad to leave. But then I got home and was told that Stoney wasn't doing well health wise and that the vet recommended he be put down. We all agreed that it was time. He was about 14 years old and lived a good life. We found a mass in his abdomen a couple years ago but he's been receiving medications twice a day that my mom and I would administer. All things considered he did extremely well and responded to the meds for a long time. But sometimes enough is enough. Pretty much as soon as I left the house he stopped eating and drinking. He started vomiting and pooping all over the place, which was extremely out of character. He was always the typical neat cat that constantly groomed him and took pride in his appearance. He had the softest tummy fur I've ever felt. So we knew that something was wrong. My parents didn't tell me when I was away because they wanted me to enjoy my time and have fun. I appreciate it a lot but I also hate it. I wanted to be there for his last days but I wasn't. I keep telling myself that it's for the best and he wouldn't want me seeing him like that. I came home on a Friday only to find out we had appointment not even 24 hours later to put him down. I spent as much time as I could with him. I brought him upstairs so we could sleep together one last time. He slept on the corner of the bed and I kept looking at him hoping that tomorrow he would be normal again and we could call it off. Of course that was completely unrealistic, but it was a fleeting sense of hope. I spent his last day working right next to him. It was inconvenient and not the most comfortable, but I wanted him to know I was there and that I loved him. I cried a bit during the day but sucked it up. Eventually we went to the vet and it happened. I held him in a fluffy blue blanket and snuggled him close so he knew I was with him. I made sure to gently stroke his head until he went. It's extremely hard putting him down because he's been like an emotional support animal for me for over a decade. He's been my best friend for a very long time. When we came home I took the small blanket my mom had knit for him and threw it in the trash. Not 5 minutes later I took it out and put it up in my room. It still has his fur all over it and smells like him. I keep it next to me in bed because it's comforting in a way. I'm not ready to let go of him yet. I still have my other cat, but I think she's figured out by now that he's no longer in the house. It breaks my heart. I haven't had a truly intense crying session yet because I know I'm repressing things. I don't want to face the reality of him never coming back. I'll never wake up in the night to him sleeping on my head or hear his grumbly meows when he was hungry. I'm starting to fall into a depression and I can feel it. I'm having a hard time eating and drinking, and showering is also difficult. I find myself staring off into nowhere completely unaware of what I was even thinking about. I want to move on as painlessly as possible but it's so difficult. I don't want to forget him, but I also don't want to harbor sadness for the rest of my life. This whole depression thing may sound blown out of proportion or overly dramatic, but anyone who's had to put a pet down will understand. It's traumatic, and it's something I'm working through. I'm seeing my psychiatrist on Saturday to hopefully get a little help with things. In the mean time I'll only drop one song because it embodies exactly how I feel right now.

F2020

Friday, August 14, 2020

All the While

I was able to get quality time with Seth this week and I'm loving it. I had to get COVID tested for his parents to feel comfortable with me being over, but I did what I had to do. I've been here for a few days now and will be here for a little while longer. Seth and I were tired of keeping our distance with each other and missed being able to be truly ourselves with each other. We love snuggling up in bed watching Twilight Zone just talking and hanging out, and that's not something we've been able to do since March 9th. He was outside his house the second I pulled up so he could greet me. He picked me up and we spun around and kissed, and it was magical. I finally saw his family close up again along with their dogs. All three dogs were extremely happy to see me again and wanted to be pet and loved. I'm here for 6 full days and I haven't been this happy in a long while. I'm still working during the day, but Seth always sleeps late so it allows me to concentrate. Although, I do look back at him a lot while I work. Even now I can hear his subtle snoring, and it's soothing. We both finish work at 5pm and that's when we usually fool around and maybe watch a movie until dinner is ready. I've always enjoyed eating dinner with his family. They make great food and conversation. His twin sister and I get along particularly well. Usually once dinner is over we all settle in for a movie. They're a very big movie family and know more about older movies than anyone I've ever met. You could name any movie before 1960 and both Seth and his dad would be able to name actors, directors, producers, and awards won. It's incredible to watch the two of them banter about movies. It always makes me smile and it's one of the things I love most about Seth. He shows me new movies and things I've never been exposed to before and can tell me all sorts of trivia about them.

I think my favorite part about being here is that we can touch each other. He likes to hold my hand when we watch movies and pulls me close when we sleep together. It's a great feeling to be held and cherished by someone you love. I can feel how he envelopes me and I melt when he whispers that he loves me. Just last night I fell asleep in his arms while watching Star Trek together and I heard him whisper how he loved me and how cute looked wrapped around his arm. He has a hard time sleeping most nights so sometimes I'll be nudged awake when he moves around. I always fall back asleep but sometimes I hear him softly saying sweet words under his breath while stroking my hair as I drift back to sleep. I never want this mini vacation to end. I feel like I took our time together for granted back before the pandemic. We spent a lot of time (literally) sleeping together and I somewhat regret that. He says that I annoy him at night when sleeping because sometimes I touch his face or lightly run my hand down his back. I never mean to wake him, I just want to take in as much as I can because I know the moment I leave I'll want one more hug and one more kiss. Just one more minute with him. Leaving him was never easy, but now it'll be extra hard because neither of us knows when it'll happen again. Sure, I'll come over for walks outside but we keep our distance and never touch and have our masks on. With grad school starting in a few weeks I won't have time to come over for long periods like this so for now we'll be indefinitely separated once I leave. I'm getting ahead of myself and shouldn't get sad when I'm still with him. I'm looking at him now sleeping curled up under the covers softly snoring and it makes me smile. I love him so much.

These song choices are a little different. These are all from movies Seth has shown me. Normally I try to avoid posting music videos so you can focus solely on the music, but this time the context of a video is important. So sit back, listen, and watch. Maybe you'll find something you like and want to watch yourself.

Springtime for Hitler

Sunday, July 26, 2020

Black Pearl

Things are starting to feel more real for me. I met my graduate school cohort this week and it was nice. It was a video call orientation including 3 professors/doctors with whom we'll be working for the duration of our MA's. My cohort consists of about 20 other people. Not many of us spoke, but there was an ongoing chat during the meeting where we could ask questions. At the end of the call someone from my cohort put her email in the chat and told people to email her our numbers so we could establish a big group chat. I emailed her immediately and was added to the chat shortly thereafter. I was the first one, but there are about 4 or 5 of us total now. We talked briefly about what classes we're each taking and if people would be interested in a hang out. It was nice getting to talk to people who are in the same boat. We're all new to graduate school and are pretty anxious and nervous about it. I'm looking forward to getting to know them more and working closely when classes start. Talking to them also brought up the thought of how lucky I was to be in this pool of people. I was selected for a specialized MA program at a very respected school. I'm one of only 20 people in my cohort. Graduate schools are so competitive and difficult to get into, which I've learned first hand by being rejected twice already. The fact that I was chosen out of hundreds and hundreds of applicants is insane. I'm positive that I didn't have the highest scores or super competitive grades. Yet, they chose me. It's just an odd realization to have hit you so suddenly.

I got my nails done today for the first time since going into quarantine. I was ordered to medically quarantine before my city got shut down, so by the time my quarantine was over the city's quarantine was just beginning. That was March 11th. I'll never forget that date because it's the last date that my life was normal. The last time I wore my work security ID around my neck. The last time I struggled to find parking at my office.

The last time I stopped by Seth's work (which is only 10 minutes from my office). The last time I grabbed an iced coffee on my lunch break. The last time I saw most of my coworkers. Now everything is different. My only means of communication with my coworkers is through our internal chat systems. Laughing emojis and stupid client stories are different when you're typing it out. Normally we would send IM's then look at each other across the cubicles and laugh together. It's sad, and I miss them a lot. I guess what I'm trying to say is that getting my nails done made me feel a fleeting sense if normalcy. I was able to pick a sparkly girly color and talk to my nail tech and listen to the ladies gossip. It was comforting. I can't stop looking at my nails because I'm so accustomed to them being naked. Now they're blue, they're shiny, and they're extra sparkly. Sometimes all it takes is something stupid like a pretty manicure to motivate someone to keep going and hold out hope.

Here's the beloved music section. I always recommend headphones because my personal favorite is to let myself disappear into the music. You block everything out and just focus on the music and the feelings it brings you.

Sunday, July 19, 2020

Imminent Horizons

The last few weeks have been an adventure. The construction is finally over and we couldn't be more excited. I'm hoping to be moved in to my own room again by next weekend. I'm very much looking forward to and having some privacy some smoke and chill at the end of the day and sleeping in a bed at night. The new space is going to be bigger and have more solitude, which is something I've wanted for years. It's going to take a while until it'll be able to be painted and decorated how I would like it, but for now I'm just grateful to have a bedroom of my own.

My work life is thriving since I started working with a new client at my full time job. The company holds weekly competitions to see who is the most productive. It's pretty much just a ploy to get us to work harder for that period of time, but I like being an overachiever so I've made sure to place top 5 in the entire company, and top 3 in my office. The client is pleased with my performance and so are my bosses. I was invited to a company-wide operations meeting to congratulate me on the achievement. As an analyst, quality and accuracy make up a lot of my job. The company aims to have all of us at 90% accuracy and I'm currently working at 96% accuracy performing ~225% of the work expected of me (when I'm actually putting effort in). So within a month of working independently for my new client I'm outperforming people who have been with the same client for years. It feels good to overachieve and get recognition.

As for my research jobs I've also taken on a larger role. I've been helping to train new research assistants every weekend, and recently got a new group. So now I generate quizzes for each group, see how they do, and meet with them all to review and further train. The whole process usually takes up to ~3-5hrs per week but I enjoy it. I like working with them and interacting with people outside of my house, and I've always enjoyed training the new assistants in the past when the lab was still open.

My personal life is a little more bleak. I own two cats, and my older one hasn't been in good health since the construction started. I know it sounds kind of crazy, but he's my best friend and I'm afraid of losing him. He's anxious and doesn't like change (like me), so when the construction started he ended up losing several pounds and is now extremely skinny. According to bloodwork we had done he may have leukemia but we won't know for sure unless we do more extensive testing. We wouldn't put him through chemo or anything so there's no point in taking that route. Prior to this he was already taking two different medications for a thyroid issue, so he has a bit of a medical history. We plan on bringing him back in a couple weeks to figure out a plan, and possibly have it be a palliative care situation. I'm sure it's excruciatingly boring to listen to me ramble on about a cat, but he really is my world and my best friend. It was absolutely crush me when he leaves me forever, but I try not to think about it.. I love my other cat too, but he and I have a special connection. My other cat is completely healthy in case you were wondering - just a morbidly obese calico.

Graduate school is also on the horizons. I'm meeting my graduate cohort next week, which are the people you'll be going through the program with. Since it's a small pool of people it's easy to get to know everyone. A cohort is important to connect with because you can study and work on projects together since you're all in the same classes and/or area of study. I'm very nervous about meeting them because I want to make a good impression. It is via video chat and there will be various people who are presenting/speaking on what the program and first semester will entail, so I'm hoping I personally won't have to talk too much. Either way it's both exciting and extremely nerve-racking.

Hopefully I'll be able to write a little more from the heart next time but for now I figured I'd at least provide a little update. I didn't mean to abandon ship for a month, but life happens. I very much enjoy writing so I really should force myself to write a little bit more often.

Here are some songs, per usual. Most of them are upbeat songs, and some are from a playlist I listen to while I drive. I figured why not sprinkle in some personal favorites, ya know?

Sunday, June 21, 2020

Hop and Smoop

I don't have much solitude or space to really write these days. Having constant construction being done is insane. I've spent many mornings sleeping on a recliner in my basement because I wanted just an extra hour and a half of sleep before work and that's the only place out of the way and quiet enough to do so. Needless to say, my back and neck are not doing well with sleeping on couches and chairs, but it's a means to an end.

Last weekend I saw Leo and it was very nice. He showed me around his new apartment and I think it's perfect for someone like him. We went to Walmart after I got there because he needed certain things for around the house. For once, my "female" nature shone through with helping him pick furniture and gather necessities. We got back to his place and I set up the garbage cans (where previously he had none) while he made us some food. We both drank a little while playing a sex trivia board game his mom had given him as a joke. While drinking and playing the game we also had on terrible hentai in the background to laugh at. I drank a little more than I had intended - about 3-4 shots worth. He wanted me to sleep over but I had work to do the next morning so I couldn't. We ended up watching a stupid movie to sober up and we actually made out for a couple minutes. It isn't something that I sought out, but also not something I fought. He drove me home only to realize that I had left my keys on his couch. Luckily, my brother was up and able to let me in at 2am. I still have yet to get my keys back but it isn't too much of a hurry.

By way of work I believe I'm excelling. I'm still in the training phase of things, but I think I'm doing better than my partner. I've established a good rapport with my supervisor and seem to be answering questions appropriately. Most of my days have consisted of 5-6hrs of conference calls with myself on mute while I scroll through social media or text my friends or make myself food. We'll see how it progresses but I'm trying to set the ground work to be an assertive go-getter, and I believe I'm achieving it. Office life is just a game, and you need to know how to play the game to win it. By being assertive you demonstrate that you're there to win and take what's yours. People respect that. I was just described earlier as being "a leader in [my] field". Once again, I'm the laziest overachiever you will ever meet. However, that seems to be working for me. I'm feeling a little mentally exhausted because I don't have a refuge at the end of my day where I can just relax and be alone. I don't mind sleeping on couches with my brother, and I'm actually enjoying hanging out every night since pre-quarantine I was never home. But having my own space again is much anticipated. I still have another couple weeks until I'll be moving back into a room of my own, but when I do move it'll be the best night's sleep of my life.

Here are some songs, per usual. I don't know if anyone caught on, but I've been leaving music in my posts for years now. I'd leave them in hyperlinks on certain words, usually relating to the song itself. Most of the time it was a song that described my mood or the topic of the post. I'm just curious if anyone actually realized I was doing that. Anyway, here is the promised musical relief.

Pursuit of Happiness

Those Eyes (Chapter 1)

Sunday, June 7, 2020

Rebirth

I feel like I've been saying this a lot lately but things are changing. I'm currently in the process of packing everything I own into boxes. I'm finding things I haven't thought about in literal years. It's a reminder of how much has changed over the years, even since just the beginning of my undergraduate college career. It's been a major nostalgia trip since I started sifting through my things. It also has shown me just how much stuff I own. It's astonishing how many hoodies and tshirts I own, meanwhile I seem to always wear the same handful of things on rotation. Since it's been so hot lately I've been wearing shorts around the house and I forgot how long my hair is. It actually touches the back of my knees so it tickles sometimes when I'm walking around. In an attempt to break out of my normal "uniform" of a tshirt to go grocery shopping and I decided to try a crop top sweater I inherited from Josh's mom. It fit perfectly and I actually liked how it looked on me, so maybe I'll try to branch out more often when it comes to trying new clothing styles. I'm also finding a lot of dresses and skirts that I hardly ever wear. They're all cute and very flattering, but I'd just prefer to wear jeans or leggings to work. Before quarantine began I'd show up to my office in massively oversized hoodies and sweatpants and no one cared. I still count myself lucky being able to work for such a relaxed company. I'm actually starting my training on Monday with the new client and I'm looking forward to it. My new supervisor seems to have a stick up his ass which is extremely opposite of what my prior supervisor was like, but I guess I'll adjust eventually. The extra money will lessen that annoyance in time.

Circling back to my personal life for a moment, I'm excited to get out of the room I've been in for a decade and into something new. It'll take about a month for things to be done but once it's all pieced together it'll be amazing. I'll be moving to the upper floor into a finished attic. It has much more space, privacy, and storage for my various items and clothing. I've been dreaming about it for years since my mom suggested it and it's finally happening. It'll be a headache to be displaced for so long, but I think it'll be worth it. It feels like the start of something bigger and better. I'm moving into a new space, starting graduate school in a matter of months, and am well on my way to paying off my car in under 2yrs. I'm not completely satisfied with where I am in the big picture of life but it's a work in progress. I figured by now I'd already have a graduate degree and a serious relationship and possibly even a place of my own. But life happens and plans oftentimes don't actually happen at the pace we would like. While I'm not totally happy with where I am, I'm still optimistic about what's to come. I work my ass off at several different jobs just so I can have a better future for myself and hopefully do the things I've dreamed of since I was a kid. I want a graduate degree, a job I love, a serious partner to settle down with, and a promising future. I know everything comes in due time so I'm trying not to focus on what I don't have, and instead on what I do have.

On another note, things with Seth and I have been a little tense. We try to see each other once a week but he's extremely strict with keeping distance and always wearing a mask around each other. He refuses to loosen up with things and to some extent I get it. His parents are older and therefore more susceptible to getting the virus in a severe way. However, things seem to be on the decline and we're in the early "phases" of opening the city back up again. I want him to finally relax and at least allow me to hold his hand or just touch him. I haven't had actual contact with him going on 3 months, and it sucks. It goes beyond just attraction. I want to feel loved and see that sweet side of him who loves to cuddle and hold my hand and kiss my head. I would forgo the sexual aspect of things just to have a day where I could hug him again. I miss how he feels and smells and breathes. I miss crawling into his bed and taking a nap together or putting on our favorite show to watch together. I miss drinking peach Snapple in his bed after having sex. It's the stupid little things that really do mean the most, and I miss them all. I feel like he isn't willing to relax even the slightest bit because he's so paranoid. I keep telling him that there's a difference between caution and paranoia, but it does nothing but aggravate him which in turn aggravates me. Right now we haven't really spoken in a couple days. It's partially because I've been so busy packing and moving, but it's also because our conversations always seem to loop back around to us missing each other and me telling him he needs to relax with the restrictions. I wouldn't say we've fought about it, but there's been lingering tension that neither one of us knows how to solve. He thinks I'm foolish and I think he's paranoid. It's something that we've agreed to disagree on, but it's still causing problems. I don't know when I'll actually be able to be with him again in a normal setting. When I was over last weekend I saw his sister for the first time since quarantine and it was nice. Along with her came one of their dogs who is the sweetest and doofiest bulldog I've ever met, but she can still be rather intimidating when she wants to be. She immediately ran up to me because she was so excited to see me after so long. I still have yet to see the other two dogs they have, but at least seeing her for a while made me happy. I suppose over all it isn't an ideal situation, but really none of this is. Quarantine is driving people insane, and so are the recent world events. Sometimes it feels like the world around us is collapsing and on fire (literally), but it'll pass. It may pass like a kidney stone, but it'll pass.

Here's the oh-so-loved music section. We all need a bit of an escape right now so I'll throw in a few bonus songs on top of the bonus songs I've already been posting. Hopefully 15 songs is enough to keep your minds busy for a little while.

T.O. (I recommend the whole album but this is my personal favorite)

Cherry

Look for the Good

She Talks to Angels

If the World Was Ending