Few Days Recap

Alrighty. Where to begin? Well, I disappeared for a bit, and I apologize. Scout, my german shepard, thought it would be hilarious to step on my phone and crack the screen. I haven't been able to get a replacement yet. I decided to order a phone off Amazon.com to conserve money. I only had about $100 to work with. I got a refurbished HTC Thunderbolt. It won't be here till the 5th (earliest). In the mean time, I'm pretty much cut off from everyone. I used to email Leo every day, every chance I got. Now I've only been able to send him two emails since my phone broke 3 days ago. I would usually be texting Bambi constantly, but now only talk to him on Xbox Live every night at 11 for a couple hours. I feel so alone. Granted, I have my family. But family gets annoying sometimes, you know?
I had the funeral on Friday for Kyle's father. We all gathered together and talked. Kyle seemed okay. He was sad looking, but strong. I gave him a big hug and told him to let me know if he needed anything. I kissed his mother on the cheek and told her I was sorry for her loss. Mr. D was in a casket in the front of the room. There was a Mets jersey with his last name on it hanging by the wall. He was a huge Mets fan. There was also a Jets jersey. It made me smile to see his sports stuff there. There were also pictures all over the place.
The pictures were of him and his family, even some childhood photos. I found a photo with me in it. It was taken at an aquarium to which his family had taken me. Kyle and I were in 7th or 8th grade when the picture was taken. My hair was still short, and his hair was long and curly. Now he has short hair and I have long hair. I showed him the photo and we thought of the memories we made that day. It was nice to see Kyle relaxed and smiling. Kyle told me that I could have the picture. I smiled and knew exactly what I was going to do with it. I have a picture on my wall by the door in my room of he and I from the musical. There was a scene in the musical where we would yell at each other and get angry. During a rehearsal one day, we got bored. We were saying our lines and pretending to fist fight. One of the directors took a picture and gave it to me. Every time I look at it, I smile. It reminds me of the fun times he and I have had over the years. Now I have the aquarium picture right beneath the musical picture. The pictures show how much we both have grown and bonded. Kyle means so much to me. He's like my brother. I know that losing his father is a very difficult situation, but I want him to know that I'm here for him.
Saturday was a little more cheery than Friday. I met up with Bambi at the mall for lunch. We went to Applebees (our favorite place to eat) and talked. We laughed and smiled and fell even more in love. I hadn't seen him for over a week so I missed him. Being away from him for so long reminds me how thankful I am to have him. It's times like those where I sort of thank the beings above for Leo going to camp. I can focus more on Bambi and our relationship. After lunch, we skateboarded around the area and had fun. I'm getting better thanks to his instruction. It soon started to get too hot to be outside. We agreed to head to the bus stop and go to his house. We got home and I picked out a movie for us to watch. Cloverfield. I love that movie, so I figured I would show him. He said it was decent. After the movie, he and I watched a TV show I had never heard of before. The Weekenders. We watched about 3 hours of that then he showed me some CreepyPasta Youtube videos. Those are so freaky. We ate raw cookie dough then went outside to skate. My mom came and then spoke to Bambi's mom for a good hour. Then, I headed home and did...well...nothing. My mom and I got into an argument about my laptop. I'm supposed to be ordering a Macbook Air but my mother insists she needs to talk to my college savings people. Yet, she refuses to actually make a call and do something about it. Once I get the Macbook, I'll also be getting an iPod 5th gen for my graduation gift. I want to get the ball rolling so I can get my shit. Reading my entry, I feel like a spoiled brat complaining about not getting what she wants. Meh. I have no phone, no computer, and no way to talk to people. Good golly gee. I'm starting to go crazy.
Today I had work. Only 12-4. It was easy, just a lot of washing and what not. Chris came to visit the shop. He looked a lot darker and kinda skinnier than he used to be. I haven't seen him in about 2 months. I missed him at first but then realized I didn't care. I would text him, and he would text for maybe 10mins then disappear or say he had to go. I forgot him and moved forward. Seeing him was weird. He was cute, but still loud and annoying. I was sarcastic and somewhat mean to him. I was leaning against the wall at one point with Chris standing across from me and Paulie a few feet away. I looked at the case and saw Chris' reflection. I caught him checking me out. He slowly looked at me top to bottom and had a smile on his face while doing so. I made me feel attractive, I'm not going to lie. Chris soon left and we went about our day. I found out that I'm working an early shift on Wednesday. 6-12. I'm going to be working with Bob. I really hope he isn't in a bad mood. I just want to be in and out. No problems. I'm not in the mood for problems right now.
And then, in the back of my head, I'm thinking about Leo. I'm wondering how camp is going, and if he is having fun. I sent him something in the mail back on Thursday. I was 24 small and colorful cards. Each card has a little factoid, lyric or quote. It sounds silly, I know. My logic behind the cards was that whenever he's bored or sad or whatever, he can look at a card and maybe feel a bit better. I don't know if they will actually serve their purpose, but it's worth a shot. I'll be making more and sending them in small increments to avoid an annoyingly large postage fee. I hope he likes them. I hope he appreciates them. I hope these don't send the wrong message. I find myself not thinking about him as much as I used to. Maybe this is a good thing. I hate this love triangle thing. Once college starts, it's a new beginning. A clean slate. But. I'm not sure if I want my slate to be cleansed of Leo.

A Beginning and An End

The day after orientation, I woke up to a fb invite to befriend a sorority. Kappa Theta Nu. I spoke to a girl yesterday who invited me to the meeting and said I could already be a sister by the time school started. I guess she saw my name tag and looked me up on fb. I'm actually interested about how to become a sister. In general, the orientation went ok. We went on a tour outside and we hung out at the Prominade for a bit. The view of Manhatten is beautiful. I also met a few people. George, Erin, and Ally. Erin and Ally were the ones I spoke to the most. I got Erin's number. I figured I would text her soon to see if we have any classes together. I got my schedule. I'm taking Gen Psych, Discrete Math (no idea..), Writing in the Public Sphere, Music in the Western Culture and then I'm meeting with a counselor once a week to keep me on track. The guy who gave me my schedule said that I did amazing on my placement exams and that I was able to skip both introductory math and english. Go me. My earliest classes begins at 11:10 and my latest class ends at 2:55. Everyday I'll be out of school by 3, and I won't have to wake up early. I'll probly wake up at 8:30. Its a 1hr 45min commute give or take a few mins. My midterm exams happen 5 or 6 weeks into school. Scary. But in order to keep a scholarship which I was awarded, I only need to maintain a 3.0 GPA. That shudnt be too hard, but we'll see. They have a free tutoring place somewhere in the building. I'll be taking full advantage of that when it comes to math. I also ordered 3/4 books that I need for my classes. Amazon gave me free 2-day shipping because I'm a student. I just got them today maybe an hour ago. I can't stop going through the psych book. The total was only $207, which isn't bad for 3 college books. My mom gave me $300 to spend on books, so I'm within the budget. I'm kinda excited to start college. Still nervous, just slightly more excited.
Anywho, I apologize for not updating sooner. I've been absent for almost 2 days. The orientation took a lot out of me, so I was tired. But toward the end of orientation I got a text from Kyle. Remember him? He's like my brother who I've known since Kindergarden. His father has stage 4 lung cancer. During my orientation, he was admitted into the hospital in pretty bad shape. We all knew this was coming, but we never expected it to actually happen. Kyle told me that he was in the hospital and his condition was declining rapidly. I felt awful. I wanted to stop by the hospital but I was stuck at orientation. Kyle and his family stayed overnight from Tuesday to Wednesday then Kyle left to get some air and positive energy. I made to offer them whatever they needed. My mom and I were willing to bring over food and whatever else they needed. They insisted that they were ok. Wednesday night is when he finally passed. It was expected but still a shock. It makes me so sad to know that he's not alive anymore. He's been battling cancer for about 3yrs now. It's been an emotional, physical and financial drain for the whole family. My mom can identify with Kyle. She lost her father to pancreatic cancer when she was Kyle's age (18). The funeral/wake is tomorrow. Of course I'm upset but it hasn't fully hit me yet. It'll probably hit me tomorrow when I see Kyle and his family. Even in the deaths of my own grandparents, it took a while to hit me. I guess it's just a state of shock.

Where ever your soul may lie, know I will always love you and appreciate all you have done for me. I'll never forget all the weird and crazy stories you told me, and how you let me sleep over almost every other week. You were like a crazy uncle that I loved so much. You held your family together and raised your children well. Now there is no more pain for you, only peace. I'll never forget you Mr. D <3
RIP - Walter D.

Awkward

Tomorrow is Freshman Orientation. Fuck. I'm so nervous. I'm really bad with this social interaction thing. I've heard someone say before that they think I have PTSD. I thought about it. I'm not sure. Ever since I was touched as a child, I've had many problems. I've struggled with my image and self-confidence. What if no one likes me tomorrow? What if no one talks to me? I don't want to be alone tomorrow. I never want to be alone. I'm scared. I hope that tomorrow I can post on here raving about how the day went. Hopefully I make friends. I need to at least talk to people. Dammit. I hate being so fucking awkward. Why must I be scared of people?

ComicCon Conflict

I got my work schedule for the upcoming week. I'm off 6/7 days, then I'm working a 12-4. I'm wondering if maybe my boss doesn't think I'm a good worker. Yesterday, Billy said that he was more productive than me when we were closing and cleaning up. I had a shit ton of dishes to do. I don't think anyone did mid-day dishes so I got stuck having to clean them all. It was gross. I don't know whether Billy meant what he said that. It was one of those things that was a minor statement but still hurt me. I just laughed it off and went on. When I was done (a good 45-60mins later), he thanked me a lot and said I did a good job. It was nice of him.
So Leo is in camp. He called me twice last night. I missed his calls, but I tried calling him back 2mins later. He didn't pick up. Leo and Morrissey have different cell service companies so that's why Morrissey gets service and Leo doesn't. Meh. I want to talk to Leo, but I don't. I'm afraid. I don't know why. I just am. I don't feel comfortable or secure talking to him in fear of him leaving again because I give him mixed emotions. Whatever. There's nothing I can do when he's 3hrs away. Maybe I'll see him soon.
Bambi and I went on xbox last night. I played Halo 4 and he was playing Sonic Adventure Battle 2. We talked and laughed. We got into a fight though. I had bought tickets for ComicCon in October. Saturday and Sunday. He and his brother bought 2 tickets each as well. Bambi was saying how he could barely afford the tickets. I felt bad and told him that if he could go only one day, I would be happy. I know other people that are going to ComicCon so I could hang out with them if need be. Bambi said that I don't care if he and I hang out, and I'm indifferent if I go with him or someone else. Of course I want to go with him, but if he can't afford both days then that's ok. But he got mad over it. Then I got depressed that he was mad. He kept apologizing and saying that he was sorry. I know he was sorry, but I couldn't cheer up. I'm feeling a bit better now. I just need some anime and soup.
By the way, if any of you readers are going to ComicCon, that would be cool. I'll see you there.

Camp

I can't say I'm well rested, but after 9hrs of sleep, I guess I have to get up. My mood is a little improved, but I'm still so depressed. Leo texted me this morning. He asked how I was feeling and stuff. He's by camp. He left at 8am this morning with Morrissey. Mama Morrissey apparently mentioned me a few times. She thinks Leo and I would make a cute couple. Go figure. She also seems happy about driving me to the camp to visit Leo and Morrissey. She likes me a lot, which is good. I like her too. She's a very upbeat and funny woman.
I'm currently texting Morrissey. He said that all camp staff can use cell phones and that service is pretty good. Kinda surprising because I heard from Leo that cell service is very rare in the camp. Oh well. I want to visit the camp some time soon to see what it's like. Mama Morrissey goes up every other weekend, so I'll tag along with her one of those weekends.
I have work again today. 12-4. Not long, but still annoying if time goes slow. The week coming up I'll be working longer shifts, I'm almost positive. I've only been working 12-4s for the last 2 weeks. A lot of people are leaving the shop so I'm sure I'll be picking up more hours. I hate early shifts. 6-12 is the worst. Waking up at 5:30 then working with Bob SUCKS. Whatever. I need the money. My life is so busy, yet so boring at the same time. Ever get that feeling?

Everything is Okay

I poured out my heart and soul into a blog post. What happened? My phone deleted it ALL. I'm done. Leo wants to come back to me. He's acting like everything is ok. Everything is the way it used to be. It isn't. I don't know if it will ever be the same.
I've been so depressed for the last few days. I hate being me. I always battle with depression. I'm in a bad spot right now. Leo wants me to accept him back. I don't know if I can. I don't want to open up and be hurt. I'll write more tomorrow morning. I can't even focus. Leo. If you're reading this, I'm sorry for everything I have done. I don't know what else to say.

Choices

Leo contacted me. He said he wished to talk. He couldn't make up his mind. He didn't know what to do. Frankly, neither did I. He always says he wants to stop talking, but this time it was different. I had had enough. I just shut off any emotion I had towards him. Whether it was love or hate, it didn't matter. I stopped caring. Every time he wanted to seperate, I got hurt. Little by little. I felt abandoned. My whole life I've dealt with losing people; whether it be my grandparents dying or my friends leaving. I love Leo. But having him constantly leaving and returning has worn on me. This time, I've had enough. I turned off emotion. I love him, but I feel emotionally drained. I've been passive all day. At work, I just did my job and left. Nothing more. I've been trying to forget Leo. I went to a minor league baseball game with my family, Bambi and his brother. We hung out and had fun. It was nice. For a while, I forgot Leo. Then I checked my phone. I had a text and 3 emails from him. He said he wanted to stay with me and keep talking to me. I love him. I don't want to let him go. But I feel different. Numb. Is this something I want? Is this something I need?