Strangely Human

Today started off on a shakey note. I learned that JP was going to be hanging out with a female friend after work. It really annoyed me. We bickered, and I gave up trying to invite him over. I barely got my text out when the bell rang. I knew instantly who it was. JP hugged me and followed me to my room. We talked about the fight my mom and I had last night, and I felt a bit better. Just sitting next to him on my bed eases my nerves. We started getting frisky, and before long, we were intertwined and making love. I love how he feels inside me. We went from soft and gentle, to fast and rough. It was exactly what I described as my fantasy only a few days ago. As I cleaned myself up, he laid on my bed and told me how much I wear him out. It makes me feel so happy that I can satisfy him. We got redressed and he made me eat some food before he left. It really makes me smile knowing he cares. Before he left for work, he told me he wasn't going to see his female friend after work because it made me uncomfortable, and he respects that. Again, it made me feel amazing. I feel so lucky to have him by my side. We aren't back to being 100% on track, but we're certainly getting there. In the back of my mind, I wonder if he got intimate with his wife while we were fighting a few days ago. I wanted to ask, but I didn't want to know. I'm focusing on he and I for now, as well as a possible new addition.
After much prompting from JP, I tried to be more open with my mom. I asked her if she loved me, and she came back without a second though assuring me she loves me more than anything on this planet. It made me feel comforted to hear her say that. As I got into detail of how I felt and why, I found myself on the verge of tears. I couldn't cry. I managed to get my point across, and we ended on a somewhat good note. I've never really seen my mom be so human before. She's usually so cold and guarded. She doesn't let me in, or anyone else it seems. Even just after that short 15min conversation, I feel a bit closer to her. I don't really know why or how to explain it, but I do. It isn't significant, but if this kind of talking happens more often, I think our relationship will improve. Once again, I have JP to thank for yet another improvement of my life. What more could a girl ask for?

Hit It

Kevin picked me up around 1 today. We got in the car, and went to go buy his weed. We sat in the car waiting for his dealer to do the exchange. Kevin and I talked and laughed and joked around. I found out why he didn't come into work. Apparently his brother was on suicide watch and then disappeared. His family was in a panic searching for him, and so Kevin didn't have work as first priority. I understood his position, and he is supposedly on good terms with our boss. Kevin may be called in sometimes to fill in when needed, but nothing permanent. Our manager is more pissed off than our big boss over this. Anyway, he didn't want to talk about work, so we avoided the topic. We instead spoke of movies, music, food, and smoking. His dealer eventually came by, and we got what we needed. After the exchange, Kevin wanted to pick up some drinks for when we smoke (he said I would be thirty). I ran into the shoppe, and he bought a couple cigars to make the joint. JP was working, and I surprised him from behind. We hugged and laughed a lot and I told him I was smoking for the first time with Kevin. He didn't seem to take it as a big deal until I left. He texted me telling me to be careful, and seemed worried. JP said that Kevin told him he just wanted to "hit it" (meaning me) and nothing more. I won't lie, that kinda hurt. I told JP we were just hanging out as friends, and I didn't really like Kevin like that anymore. This was happening for a little while before I smoked. Kevin told me to search for a movie to watch while he rolled us a couple of blunts. I texted JP while he worked on the blunts. We decided to watch a bootleg copy of American Hustle. Kevin was patient and taught me how to smoke. I inhaled way too much the first time, and so I was coughing a lot. Kevin laughed and then said to go smaller. I did, and I began to feel it. Then he decided to help me shotgun. He cupped his hands, exhaled into them, then I put my mouth up to his hands and inhaled. My legs felt weird. They were attached to my body, but not. I was happy and relaxed and enjoying laying there with Kevin. The movie was kind of boring, so we changed it to Now You See Me. We were talking a bit and laughing. He had a double bed, so it was tight fitting us both. We laid close, but didn't touch sexually. Our legs and arms touched, and I heard his breathing. I kind of wanted to kiss him, and I had the opportunity many times. My mind kept going back to what JP said about him just wanting to "hit it". I didn't act on my impulses, but it seems as if JP doesn't want anything to do with me after this. He said I'm playing a game by talking to him and hanging out with Kevin. I tried to explain myself, but he said to stop texting him. I'm not going to see him or speak to him again until I work the closing shift on Saturday. I'll see if maybe I can hang out after work for a bit and talk to him about this. I like JP, a lot. But Kevin is also my friend who I like to hang out with. I think Kevin is attractive, but after hearing he just wants to "hit it", I'm not getting involved with him in a romantic way. I only hope JP and I can work this out.

Joy, Pain, Love

The concert was everything I imagined. The music was great, the atmosphere was perfect, and the weather was perfect. However, Bambi wasn't as thrilled. Ever since I got the tickets for the concert, he insisted on coming with me. He wasn't particularly interested in the music, but instead just hanging out with me. Kyle was also interested in going and was legitimately interested in the music, but I decided to pick Bambi just to avoid conflict. The opening band was American Authors. Their music is very upbeat and is more pop-ish than Bambi is into. Through their entire act, he sat there looking miserable and depressed. After their set was done, there was a small intermission before The Script was coming on. I asked him what he thought of the music so far, and he began to pick apart their sound system and say how crappy it was. I'm sure Bambi knows much better than professional audio engineers, right? Yea..So I told Bambi that they know best, and he continued to be very pessimistic. His attitude in general just brought my hype down. The first half of The Script performance wasn't enjoyable. I was just annoyed and put off by the fact that Bambi was being such a dick. He didn't seem to appreciate the fact I chose to bring him over someone who would have genuinely enjoyed the music. Through the whole rest of The Script, he tried cheering me up. I ignored him and let the music speak to me. I sang along and clapped and had fun. My mood was restored, and I put Bambi's actions behind me. When OneRepublic came out, I almost died. They're just so perfect. I knew every song, every beat, every word. By the end, I was feeling ridiculously happy and carefree. My mom picked us up at the end of the concert and we headed home. I passed out as soon as I got home. I had been up early for a 6-1 shift, so at that point I had been active for around 20 straight hours.
I woke up the next morning to a couple missed calls. They were from my manager. Ugh. I was supposed to be working a 11-4 shift, but I thought for sure he was calling to see if I could come in early. I ignored his calls and slept for another half hour. When I checked my phone again, I saw a text from him. He said he was giving me the day off. He knew I had a concert the night prior and I had asked to have the day off if possible. My manager said I still had to work, but he gave me a late shift (I didn't mind). I thanked him profusely for the day off. I had a horrible headache from the loud music, and was still exhausted. I ended up stopping by the shoppe anyway right before closing. I wanted to pick up some bagels, and see JP. He said he was looking forward to seeing me, but was upset when I didn't come into work. So I showed up and hung out for a bit. We ended up talking and hugging. He commented multiple times on how cute I looked. Before I left, he gave me a few cookies he had just baked (still warm) and gave me a big hug. He lifted me off the ground and spun me, then kissed my head. JP later texted me saying how me coming to visit really made his day. I really like JP, and I think I may actually be catching feelings for him.
Today was an interesting day. I spent the first half of it talking Bambi out of cutting and/or killing himself. He hadn't had a meltdown like that in a long time. He said he was pissed off and angry because I apparently treat him like shit and never admit when I'm wrong. He brought up the concert as a main focal point. Bambi insisted I was angry at him for no reason, and for simply having an opinion contradictory to my own about the music. I don't see it as such, but he thought I was being childish and stubborn. So he left school and made a pony show out of him heading home to harm himself. I spent hours trying to calm him down. I was volunteering with Mr. Caster today, but I was too busy talking to Bambi to actually pay much attention to the movie. I love watching the movies, and always put my phone on airplane mode to eliminate distraction. I was afraid if I did that today, Bambi wouldn't be there when I got back. I was able to talk him down, and watch the last half hour or so of the movie uninterrupted. I spent today also talking with JP. He suggested maybe slowing our relationship down a bit. He seems to be the one who initiates most flirting and physical interaction, but I let it be. JP seems to be very hard on himself saying that he always falls for girls that aren't right for him. He thinks I'm worth much more than what he can give right now. Putting that aside, I still love talking to him, and enjoy his company at work. I definitely like JP, there's no two ways about it. He likes me too. He said he's an impulsive person, and sometimes acts on feelings without thinking. I had a tendency to do that with Leo. I can't let that happen again. I won't let this get out of control.
Tomorrow I'm seeing Kevin. I just have to know what's going on with him. Why did he skip work with no notice? Is he going to get his job back? Can he and I still have a friendship without working together? All these questions can hopefully be answered in tomorrow's blog. Our plans for tomorrow are chill. He's going to teach me how to smoke (I'm going to smoke some pot for the *kinda* first time), then we're gonna just hang out and talk and watch movies at his place. It's weird not having him at work, and I've only spent 2 days working without him. I'm going to try and see if I can convince him to maybe come back. I need him there with me. He's my twinnie.

Bubbie

I didn't get much sleep last night. I came to work half asleep. I saw JP and we high fived. He and I made some minor passing comments, but later in the day it evolved. I went to the back where JP was working to get something. He stopped me, and pulled me close. He started to slow dance with me to a song on the radio. We both giggled, and I broke free to accomplish my task. I tried to go back there as often as possible to see him. At one point, he snuck up behind me and gave me a quick massage then tickled me. Out of no where, Kevin showed up. I only saw him for a couple minutes, but he was busy talking to our manager. Kevin looked pissed, then left out the back door. He was fired. I don't know what I'm going to do without him. He is my Bubbie, and my only grip on sanity at work. I was devastated, but kept it together. I went to the back to do dishes. JP and I talked about Kevin. Then the conversation shifted. JP said he wanted to maybe be more than friends. We both laughed it off and continued to flirt. As I was returning to the front, he hugged me and held me close. I blushed and smiled, and he said he was looking for a kiss. A giggled and said no way. We both laughed and kept working. As I was leaving work, he was sitting out back smoking. I told him that he and I are closing together tomorrow. He smiled and we hugged goodbye. It was a tight hug and he nestled into my neck. He then kissed my neck a few times. It made me smile and feel so good. My hand happened to graze his crotch, and I felt a little bulge. I blushed and said I had to run home, then left.
Tonight I have a concert with Bambi. We're seeing OneRepublic and the Script. I'm so excited. Tonight I have a concert with one of my favorite bands, then tomorrow I get to hang out with JP and talk more. The next 24hrs are going to be amazing.

Hesitant Hug

I've been busy, so blogging hasn't been at the forefront of my mind. However, the past few days have been interesting to say the least.
On Tuesday, I left for Kyle's house. I stopped by work to pick up some bagels for the crew. JP was working, so I gave him a little hug, got my bagels, and left to catch my bus. JP texted me and was sort of put off by the fact I was hesitant in hugging him. I was only hesitant because his apron was dirty, and I wanted to remain clean. He still didn't seem to like the way I acted towards him and pushed me away a little saying that what I was saying and what I was doing were two different things. I really like JP, and I think he's such a cool person. I would never lead him on then treat him like shit. Anyway, I got to Kyle's house and we all gathered. We ate and set the game up. We played for a couple hours then we had to run to the store (I got my period and lacked tampons). While we were there, our friend Rich wanted to buy a beer. He offered to get me a 4loko. Who could refuse an offer like that? So I got my tampons, and Rich got the alcohol. We all went back to playing the game then took a break for food. Rich and I talked and laughed and questioned why we didn't hang out more often. He's such a chill guy and we get along perfectly. Eventually, we got back and ended the game for the night. Now it was time to drink. Rich opened his beer, and I opened my 4loko. I drank a little, then Rich and I went on a beer run. He got two more beers and we headed back. It was only Rich, Liam and I who drank. Liam is Kyle's boyfriend's younger brother who is 15. We sat around drinking while Kyle and his boyfriend played a game on their laptops. Rich, Liam and I all bonded and laughed and had fun. I don't remember much after a certain period. I woke up the next morning next to Rich sleeping on the futon next to me. Nothing happened, we just happened to crash on the same couch. I texted JP and told him I just woke up next to a guy after a night of drinking (I was looking for some feedback on this scenario). I got no response from JP. The trio (especially me) was hungover and still recovering from drinking. We all eventually were awake enough to go get Subway. Rich bought me lunch in exchange for my paying for his beers the previous night. We hung out for a little while longer then I headed home. I still had no response from JP, so I thought he must have still been a little put off but my hesitant hug. I arrived home in time for dinner. I ate, showered, then passed out.
The next day I was working a 6-2 shift. I was exhausted, but the time went fast. My manager said I could leave early at 11. I was so thrilled. I texted JP and asked if he wanted to meet up for lunch. No response. I left work around 12 after helping clean up a little. Why was JP mad at me? I apologized and explained why I was hesitant. Rawr.
The next day was uneventful, then I worked today. I walked in and saw JP in the back. I poked him to see his reaction. He smiled and asked how I was. I jokingly said he would know if he ever texted me back. Apparently, JP accidentally dropped his phone out of a car window while on the highway. Wow. I told him how I thought he was mad at me and he said I was being ridiculous. I was so relieved. I continued on to work, but someone was missing. Where was Kevin? He was supposed to work a 7-4 shift (upon his request) but never showed up. He had called out of work yesterday saying that he had sprained his ankle and couldn't walk. It would be understandable if he couldn't work today, but he insisted on coming in, and then didn't let anyone know he wasn't coming. I love Kevin to death, but this is kinda weird. It's not really like him to just bail on us and not say why. I texted him, but still haven't gotten a response. Ray and I closed up the shoppe along with JP. JP's ex-wife and a couple of his kids came by during work. He had a little one who I believe was named Gia, and one that looked around 11 or so. Gia was so adorable, and JP's face was lit up when he saw her. He carried her behind the counter and gave her a plain bagel. It barely fit in her tiny mouth. JP just stroked her head and talked to her. I've never seen him be like that before. I guess when you have kids, you have a certain soft spot for them. I loved Gia, and hated to watch her leave. I told JP he had adorable kids, and he jokingly said maybe he'd give me some of my own. We closed the shoppe, and I told Ray he could leave. I was gonna hang out with JP for a bit. JP was still working in the back kneading the dough and making the bagel shapes. We just talked about my relationship with Bambi, what happened when I woke up next to Rich, and just life in general. I love how he listens to me and always gives me great advice. He looks into my eyes and is always genuine. We talked for about 45mins, then I had to go. It was so sweet just talking to him face to face without being interrupted by work. Tomorrow I'm doing a 6-1 shift. JP is working, so he'll be there at 6am to greet me with a smile and ask me how I'm doing. Working with JP is something I'm looking forward to now more than ever. Kevin was supposed to work tomorrow, but we'll see what happens. At very least, I'll have JP.

JP

The closing shift with JP and Kevin went alright. JP and I didn't have as much time to talk as we did the previous day, but we exchanged a few words on the Kevin topic. We all closed and locked up. Later that night, I got a text from my boss. He said JP had asked him for my number but he didn't want to give it out. So my boss gave me JP's number and said he wanted to talk to me. I took the number and texted JP. We've been texting ever since. He gave me advice on Kevin, and actually told me that he thought Kevin wasn't a good choice for me (he refused to say why). We eventually ended our Kevin talk, and got into more personal conversation. Over the last couple days, we've gotten to really know each other. JP said he didn't realize how deep of a person I was, and how beautiful I am both inside and out. He seems to really like me. He likes me enough to invite me over to his house for dinner with his family. JP actually feels comfortable enough with me to let me meet his kids. I found out he's also very big into art and music. He's a big guy (I'm guessing around 6 1/2ft or so) so finding out how in tune with art he is was sort of shocking. He told me he wanted to take me to MOMA in the city. JP is such a sweet guy. I can't deny it, my focus is beginning to shift from Kevin to JP. I love texting him, and we never have a dull conversation. He says he feels comfortable talking to me and sharing details about himself. He's always complimenting me and flirting. JP is definitely a charmer.
Tomorrow I'm heading to Kyle's house for the night. We're going to get together and play a new RP game he's making up. It sounds sort of like D&D, but he won't give us many details until we actually start playing. I'm looking forward to this. I need some fun and relaxation with friends. On my way to Kyle's house, I'll be stopping by work to get some bagels for the gang. JP is gonna be there, so I'll make sure to say hi. Now I better get some rest if I want to be energized for tomorrow's nerd session.

Jobbig

The day after Kevin and I hung out, Bambi and I had a date. We went to catch a movie, and it was fairly awkward and silent walking to the theater. We saw 22 Jump Street. It was funny, and Bambi was laughing at almost everything. When the movie ended, we went to a local sushi place. It was cheap and small. Not exactly a romantic dinner, but I'll take it. We ate and discussed some school and work related things. He asked me what I would do if he decided to join the circus and juggle. I would leave him. Juggling and being in the circus gets you no where in life, and you can't provide for a family that way. We got into a bit of an argument over that because he says that it isn't fair that I would leave him if he did that. Bambi doesn't approve of me going into the Air Force, or being a cop, but he said he wouldn't leave me if I decided to do those careers. However, those are extremely different. With each of the career paths, the pay is decent (although NYPD is much more than Air Force), the benefits are great, and you can work your way up the ranks for more money and status. Bambi refused to see the difference and kept being difficult. As we walked to the train station, we saw these 2 guys get into an argument. One of them looked like he was trying to physically intimidate the other man. I kept it moving, but Bambi insisted on staying and trying to help if the guy needed it. I took his hand and dragged Bambi away. This is New York City. That fight isn't ours to fight. Let the two bimbos figure it out, and let's keep going. Bambi said I was being mean and selfish by walking away. I was simply just minding my business. We got to the train station and we parted. We shared and hug and a kiss. For some reason, I don't feel the spark that I used to feel when I kiss him. When I kiss him now, it's just meh. It isn't exciting or sexy or cute. I'm indifferent.
Today I had work. I walked in and found Kevin there. He wasn't on the schedule, so this caught me off guard. Apparently Jena had to leave early, so they called in Kevin to close up shop. That meant Kevin and I were closing with JP. My boss and manager left early, so Kevin and I got cleaning done quick and early. I had some time to talk to JP. He wouldn't answer me about what Kevin said to him. I want to know for sure if Kevin likes me or not. JP urged me to talk to Kevin myself and confront it. I told JP that I do like Kevin, and that we spent a lot of time together on Wednesday. He said it sounded like a date to him. We broke the conversation once Kevin reappeared from downstairs. About an hour or so later, I saw JP and Kevin talking in the back. I couldn't hear what they were saying, which is odd considering JP is usually a loud person. As I glanced back at them, I got a strange look from JP. It was sort of like he was watching to see if I were going to come back to them and see what was up. Whatever they were talking about, they didn't want me hearing. I'm guessing the conversation was about me. Toward the end of our shifts, it got a little laid back. Kevin was in front doing something, and I was in the back with JP. We starting discussing Kevin and what he thought about it. JP thinks I should just go for it. I told him I had a boyfriend, but he said he knows I'm not happy (I've told him about some of the fights Bambi and I have had). JP has 6 kids and an ex wife. He said he still loves her, but he isn't IN love with her. He told me that if I'm happy, there is no point in continuing my relationship with Bambi. We went back and forth and discussed why I should/shouldn't/can/can't leave him. It almost turned into a therapy session. I forgot I was at work until Kevin needed me to do something. JP said we would be continuing our talk another time. I'm closing with JP and Kevin tomorrow as well. I have a feeling the shift will be a little busier than today, but JP and I will continue our conversation. I want to figure this out. This is a very strange situation and I don't know what to do.