Maturation

I've disappeared for a long while. I doubt I'll have a lot of time to come back and blog like I used to. A major event that happened since I last updated was my uncle (my mom's brother) having a heart attack and ending up in the CICU. It was a bad heart attack and he was kept in the CICU for about a week. He had a defibrillator put in to make sure it wouldn't happen again. I went to visit him in the hospital twice. It was the first time I had seen him or my cousins in about 4 or 5yrs. My uncle looks older, but maybe that was just from the whole hospital thing. My aunt also came down from upstate to visit him in the hospital. She looks much older and different. She used to have short salt and pepper hair, and how it's pulled back into a long white pony tail. Again, I hadn't seen her in years. My mom refused to go to the hospital to see my uncle because of all the bad blood they've had, and I kind of understand to a degree. It was nice to see my family and finally make a connection to the half I haven't seen in what feels like forever.
Another life-changing event has happened as well. Sometime around mid to late October, I will be expecting a baby. I am officially pregnant. Two positive tests, a couple weeks of morning sickness, tender breasts, and the whole nine yards later, I'm positively pregnant. I found out on March 9th. I'm unsure of how far along I am. The last time I had my period was my birthday (January 5th). I could be anywhere from 6-7 weeks, to 9-10 weeks. I've only told a handful of people and intend to keep it that way for as long as I can. I haven't even told my parents yet. I have an appointment with an OBGYN on April 1st. My mom and I are going together since we booked appointments right after each other. The appointment couldn't come at a better time. My mom has been very affectionate lately and I see this as being super comforting. Now is my time to tell her. I have to tell her before my appointment. I don't want to just blindside her with this. This is terrifying, but I have to do what I have to do. I'm going to finish this semester with 62 completed credits. That's enough to qualify me for the NYPD. I'm going to drop out of school for now, work and save money as much as I can (I've sent out numerous applications to anyplace local), and eventually pop around October/November. It sounds like my mom is getting a promotion type thing where she's going to be able to work from home. This is the biggest blessing I could have asked for. Of course I'm going to take care of the baby myself, but having my mom home as well would be amazing. She won't have to quit work and could still help me to some degree. I'm terrified at the aspect of being a mom. As crazy as it may sound, I'm already in love with the baby inside me. I haven't even seen it yet or heard it's heartbeat, but I know it's there. I'm trying to eat healthier for the baby, and do whatever I can to be the best mother I could be. This isn't what I wanted at the age of 19, but I have to deal with it. There is no turning back now. All I know is that all the puking, cramps, shortness of breath, exhaustion, constant trips to the bathroom, and stress will pay off when I see my baby's face.
I just wanted to let whatever readers I happen to have left know about what was going on and why I pulled a bit of a disappearing act. I'll try to keep up as much as possible, but stressed can't quite describe what I'm going through right now. I will definitely try to deliver on posts and updates. I can promise that much. Wish me luck and send me some much need positivity.

Into the Jungle

The semester has started and I'm already stressed beyond belief. I have school under control, but everything else is a mess. I haven't planned anything for photography club. I got really sick a couple days ago. I've been fighting with my mom. JP and I have been very up and down. I try to help him and do what I can to make him feel better when he's down, but it gets me no where. Just this morning I bought his wife a coffee to help get her in a better mood and ordered my own coffee the way JP likes it because I knew he'd be drinking most of it. Yet, I got scolded because someone hit me up on Facebook. We aren't even friends, but we have mutual friends. I don't know this guy, but JP insists it's probably someone I've fucked or are still fucking. Then he suddenly had to get home and left me on the side of the road to catch a bus instead of driving me 5 more minutes to the station himself. I try my hardest to be a good person to him and maintain by own integrity by not folding to his ridiculous ideas and theories. I actually went out on a limb and contacted a tv show with our situation about the suspected cheating and lying. I didn't think they would actually get back to me to be honest. But low and behold, I got a call last night saying to call them back when I got the message (I missed the initial call). I was thrilled. I immediately told JP and he was resistant. I don't exactly want to do this on tv, but hey, it gets us a free professional polygraph. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to prove my innocence and loyalty to JP.
On a happier note, I spent time with my dad when I was sick. I napped on the couch and he brought me fresh water and made me soup. Then we watched a movie (The Secret Life of Walter Mitty). We were commenting on it and discussing it like movie critics. It was fun and really sweet. I like hanging out with my dad like that. If only it would happen more often.

Anywhere

It's hard to blog when I have no idea what I'm going to write. I want to write everything and anything, but my fingers can only type so much. Recently I've been feeling weird. Depression is definitely there, but sometimes I feel a certain disconnect. I don't know how to describe it or even make it make sense to someone else. There are just some brief moments where I don't feel like I'm actually here in this world. I feel like a ghost who walks among humans. Social interaction is becoming increasingly difficult, even with my family. As soon as dinner ended, I headed up to my room and that's where I stayed up until now. I avoid contact and don't want to interact with anyone. I'd rather stay in bed and do whatever I wanted online. I could marathon a tv show, watch anime, make fun of dumb music videos, talk to my friends, take quizzes, or maybe even do some productive reading and research. Now that everyone is asleep, I'm awake. I came to get myself a glass of water and stalled out in the kitchen. It's dark outside, and the house is quiet. The only thing making a noise is a timer we have for our backyard light. Even as a kid, I remember that timer sound with its constant muffled ticking. I don't notice it anymore unless it's silent in the house. As I look around, I see different items belonging to the family. A party invitation for Erik, my father's glasses, my mom's purse, and even scattered dog toys. But where are my things? I haven't noticed it till now, but even my belongings have been migrating back to my room. I'm caving in on myself. I don't like being alone, but I'm isolating myself. I look around the house and remember the memories I've had here. Numerous birthdays and Christmases with my grandparents, sleeping over here every Friday night as a kid, and sitting in the old kitchen with my grandmother as she made coffee and breakfast. It was filled with so much positivity when I was growing up, but now I want to leave and run away as quickly as I can. I want to forget my worries and stresses and start living life how I want to live it. If I had the time and money, I would pack my bags, book a flight to Europe, and travel for at least a couple years (bringing JP with me of course). I'd live in each country for a little while, and take my sweet time exploring. I would meet my distant relatives, and visit a castle my mom's side of the family has. I'd take in the sights, smells, and tastes of every country and region. I don't want to think about school or work or family or anything anymore. I want to make myself happy. I've been crying too much lately; it isn't healthy. I can't even write a proper blog post anymore. My thoughts are everywhere and I can't stay focused long enough to make a coherent entry. Consider this post just another mindless collection of word vomit.

In Disarray

I just realized that pretty much the last 6 months of my life have been erased from the blog. Awesome. Let's do a quick recap shall we?
- My dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer
- I came out about my rape as a child
- I'm currently in therapy to help my depression and aid in my coping skills
- I no longer work at the bagel shoppe (I'm currently unemployed)
- I've been in a relationship with JP for almost 7 months. We're not exactly the most stable couple, but we love hard and fight hard.
- My depression has taken a serious down turn, and I literally forget to eat some days
- I have become an avid Taylor Swift fan

Ok, so now that that stuff is out there, let's get to it. I've been isolating myself a lot in the last couple days. I stay in my room, listen to music, watch videos, talk to friends, and stay in bed. I like being alone sometimes, especially away from my parents. My mom and I got into a bad fight a couple days ago and she told me to jump out into traffic because it would be easier and quicker than my current situation (having a B- GPA for last semester, and slowly turning into a depressed wreck). It hurt, but I put on the face of indifference and tried to shake it off. I want to take all the money I have and just do something crazy. I want to disappear out west for a while, or even leave the country entirely, I'm sick of life as it is. I want to love life again and feel inspired by the world around me. I can't even enjoyably take photos anymore. I feel like a terrible club president. I don't even have passion for my art anymore.
I was just in the middle of cleaning and Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran came on. I couldn't help but to sing along. I ended up serenading my cat. Even he doesn't seem to care about me anymore. He refuses to cuddle me or let me hug him, but he at least tolerates it when I cradle him like a baby. Why can't I even think? I feel like my thoughts are so scattered and in such disarray. Classes start back up in less than a week. Can I really kick ass this semester? Or am I going to fail, crash, and burn?

Paper Planes

My last few posts have been deleted yet again. With a bad memory like mine, I like to keep records of my life and its happenings. I haven't updated in a while because it's hard to gather thoughts when your mind just won't stop producing them. JP and I have been sort of up and down lately, but we were getting to a better place. We're working on  trust and having a better relationship.
I went bowling with my family a week ago. It wasn't our usual place, and it was a bit crowded. The family next to us had unruly children who kept using our balls (3/4 of us have custom balls), and touching our scoreboard controls. The last time I was beginning to lose my patience and removed the kids hand from the controls myself. JP and I had gotten into a little bit of spat before I went out, so I wasn't in the best mood. Slowly, I began to feel a bit better with my family though. Bowling has always been a family thing with us. My grandparents on my father's side were avid bowlers and were in a league together. I remember one time when I was little, they took me with them. I was clearly getting bored (it was a league member only session, so I couldn't bowl). My grandfather came to me and handed me a small stack of paper. He then taught me how to make paper airplanes. He showed me a couple times, then left me to practice on my own. I finished the entire stack of paper, and still couldn't make one that would fly right. My grandfather said it takes practice, and with practice, everything gets better. I don't know why that memory stuck with me, it just did. Anyway, while my family and I were bowling, the music they had on was a pre-teen/teen mix of Disney, KidsBop, and age appropriate songs. It was tolerable until Justin Beiber came on a couple times. At one point, Love Story by Taylor Swift came on. I haven't heard that song in forever, yet I knew the lyrics word for word. It took all I had not to break out into song. We finished, and I was impressed with myself. The first round I came in second with a 110, the second round I was dead last, but then I won the last round. Bowling is sort of therapeutic in a weird way. The sound of the balls hitting the lanes, the pins falling, and people laughing. It puts me in a happy place.
Since I last updated, a couple of things have happened. I turned 19. I found out I'm going to Cuba for a study abroad program during Spring Break. I started taking a medley of vitamins to help with my depression/overall health. My mom has become much more of a friend to me than I could have imagined. I gained true freedom to be able to go out somewhere without being questioned. And finally, I found out I'm not pregnant. A lot can happen in a matter of a week or so I suppose. Life has a funny way of changing things and always keeping us on our toes.

Strangely Human

Today started off on a shakey note. I learned that JP was going to be hanging out with a female friend after work. It really annoyed me. We bickered, and I gave up trying to invite him over. I barely got my text out when the bell rang. I knew instantly who it was. JP hugged me and followed me to my room. We talked about the fight my mom and I had last night, and I felt a bit better. Just sitting next to him on my bed eases my nerves. We started getting frisky, and before long, we were intertwined and making love. I love how he feels inside me. We went from soft and gentle, to fast and rough. It was exactly what I described as my fantasy only a few days ago. As I cleaned myself up, he laid on my bed and told me how much I wear him out. It makes me feel so happy that I can satisfy him. We got redressed and he made me eat some food before he left. It really makes me smile knowing he cares. Before he left for work, he told me he wasn't going to see his female friend after work because it made me uncomfortable, and he respects that. Again, it made me feel amazing. I feel so lucky to have him by my side. We aren't back to being 100% on track, but we're certainly getting there. In the back of my mind, I wonder if he got intimate with his wife while we were fighting a few days ago. I wanted to ask, but I didn't want to know. I'm focusing on he and I for now, as well as a possible new addition.
After much prompting from JP, I tried to be more open with my mom. I asked her if she loved me, and she came back without a second though assuring me she loves me more than anything on this planet. It made me feel comforted to hear her say that. As I got into detail of how I felt and why, I found myself on the verge of tears. I couldn't cry. I managed to get my point across, and we ended on a somewhat good note. I've never really seen my mom be so human before. She's usually so cold and guarded. She doesn't let me in, or anyone else it seems. Even just after that short 15min conversation, I feel a bit closer to her. I don't really know why or how to explain it, but I do. It isn't significant, but if this kind of talking happens more often, I think our relationship will improve. Once again, I have JP to thank for yet another improvement of my life. What more could a girl ask for?

Hit It

Kevin picked me up around 1 today. We got in the car, and went to go buy his weed. We sat in the car waiting for his dealer to do the exchange. Kevin and I talked and laughed and joked around. I found out why he didn't come into work. Apparently his brother was on suicide watch and then disappeared. His family was in a panic searching for him, and so Kevin didn't have work as first priority. I understood his position, and he is supposedly on good terms with our boss. Kevin may be called in sometimes to fill in when needed, but nothing permanent. Our manager is more pissed off than our big boss over this. Anyway, he didn't want to talk about work, so we avoided the topic. We instead spoke of movies, music, food, and smoking. His dealer eventually came by, and we got what we needed. After the exchange, Kevin wanted to pick up some drinks for when we smoke (he said I would be thirty). I ran into the shoppe, and he bought a couple cigars to make the joint. JP was working, and I surprised him from behind. We hugged and laughed a lot and I told him I was smoking for the first time with Kevin. He didn't seem to take it as a big deal until I left. He texted me telling me to be careful, and seemed worried. JP said that Kevin told him he just wanted to "hit it" (meaning me) and nothing more. I won't lie, that kinda hurt. I told JP we were just hanging out as friends, and I didn't really like Kevin like that anymore. This was happening for a little while before I smoked. Kevin told me to search for a movie to watch while he rolled us a couple of blunts. I texted JP while he worked on the blunts. We decided to watch a bootleg copy of American Hustle. Kevin was patient and taught me how to smoke. I inhaled way too much the first time, and so I was coughing a lot. Kevin laughed and then said to go smaller. I did, and I began to feel it. Then he decided to help me shotgun. He cupped his hands, exhaled into them, then I put my mouth up to his hands and inhaled. My legs felt weird. They were attached to my body, but not. I was happy and relaxed and enjoying laying there with Kevin. The movie was kind of boring, so we changed it to Now You See Me. We were talking a bit and laughing. He had a double bed, so it was tight fitting us both. We laid close, but didn't touch sexually. Our legs and arms touched, and I heard his breathing. I kind of wanted to kiss him, and I had the opportunity many times. My mind kept going back to what JP said about him just wanting to "hit it". I didn't act on my impulses, but it seems as if JP doesn't want anything to do with me after this. He said I'm playing a game by talking to him and hanging out with Kevin. I tried to explain myself, but he said to stop texting him. I'm not going to see him or speak to him again until I work the closing shift on Saturday. I'll see if maybe I can hang out after work for a bit and talk to him about this. I like JP, a lot. But Kevin is also my friend who I like to hang out with. I think Kevin is attractive, but after hearing he just wants to "hit it", I'm not getting involved with him in a romantic way. I only hope JP and I can work this out.