Grumpy Pants

I just had my first round of tests. I'm exhausted on so many levels. I created my own 'cheat sheets' to help me study. I combined the Power Points from lectures with the text in the book so make what I felt was the perfect study tool. Definitions, diagrams, color coding, and everything else I could think of. I was extremely on edge the entire day, even after my exams. I had two A&P tests back to back, and so that's what made it so hard. They don't focus on the same material so I was tasked with studying two different sets of information. The lecture I was confident in until after I handed it in. I suddenly began to tally what I got wrong and it bothered me. It freaked me out and I started to get even more anxious for my lab test. Despite some incorrect calculations, I think for the most part I did well. The lab and lecture are tallied together at the end of the semester to figure your final grade for the class. The lab happens to be worth slightly more (60%) for your grade, so one slightly off test for the 40% lecture value isn't the end of the world as long as I did well on my lab. I was beating myself up all day for the lecture fuck up. Josh sensed it and was trying so hard to elicite some kind of positive response. It's my personality to be very dedicated and throw myself into things. I know this is beyond important so having so much self-doubt really impacted the rest of my school day. I was dedicated to the point where even after the exams were over, I was still fixated. It isn't healthy for me to obsess, but there are worse things I could be fixated on. Like today before my last class, I watched these videos of people's deaths being caught on camera, like being broadcast live on TV. It was surreal to watch numerous people shoot themselves in the head. One even did it with a rifle, and his blood and brains went everywhere. Most people would think that's disgusting or disturbing, but I watched the same 5secs of footage over and over again. It fascinated me. But that's a down side to being so obsessive. I sometimes find things and fixate too much. It makes me wonder why I find those types of things so interesting. Watching him get the gun, position it, then fire under his chin. I analyzed how the body dropped to the ground, his slight movement once he collapsed, the pattern his blood flowed in across the pavement, and even details of what he was wearing. My mom says I obsess too much over murder mystery shows. My favorites are Homicide Hunter Joe Kenda, and 48hrs. Sometimes I enjoy the less graphic ones like My Neighbor from Hell or Killer Women. I guess maybe that's the sicko in me who's fascinated in death and dying. Blood has never freaked me out before. I actually like watching my blood being drawn. The way it fills the tube so fast, and the deep red color. I sound like a psychopath, so I digress.
I forgot to mention in my previous posts that Josh and I are going out to Montauk in October together with his parents. I was shocked when my mom actually agreed to it, with no questions or argument. That level or freedom is something I've never had. I've never been able to actually travel with a boyfriend, let alone so far and without any opposition. All she said was to Josh, "Take care of her". She trusts him, and it's so obvious. She sees that we aren't a distraction to each other. She sees how hard I've been working in school. She's noticed all of the extra effort I've put in this semester. I've skipped watching our favorite shows because I had homework or something to study for. I'm actually enjoying how much I throw myself into my work. It feels good to focus and learn. Josh is there every step of the way encouraging me and not letting me get to hard on myself. His midterms are soon, and the roles will be reversed. He'll be grumpy and stressed, while I'm more the supportive and encouraging one. We're a team who strive for success, and I think my mom sees that. I think she's starting to see Josh the way I see him. He's become a part of me that I can never lose. I'm lucky to have him in my life each and every day. My life is going exactly how it should be. School is stressful which is normal, I miss my boyfriend which is normal, and I have a love/hate relationship with work. There's no extra drama or anything to steal my attention away from what I'm focusing on. My world is finally revolving around me and my needs, not anyone else who may disturb my peace.

Bonded

I haven't updated in a while. Classes and labs and lectures have kept me busy. For once, I can say that I'm actually understanding things like micro organic chemistry. I still need studying, but I feel so accomplished being able to follow along with the professor and not be completely lost and feeling defeated. I just wrapped up a late night study session. I was outlining a chapter and reading everything. I'm not going to get cocky because staying calm and humble is how I'll win this race.
On a very positive note as well, Josh and I celebrated our 6 month anniversary. It doesn't sound like a big deal in the long run, but it means a lot. He and I are long distance and don't get the time together like most couples do. We cherish the little time we have together and that's what makes us special. I look at Josh and see my future. His blue eyes, amazing dimples, sense of humor, and even his voice. We went to a nice restaurant overlooking midtown/downtown  Manhattan. We got there early and were able to watch the sun go from shining to spreading a beautiful rose gold over the city and the water in front of us. We both got drinks and fancy food. He told me I looked beautiful (as he often does) and I felt it. My hair was let completely down, I wore a classic black and white dress, and completed everything with makeup. Josh had never seen me with my hair fully down for a long period like that before, and it felt kind of liberating. My hair at this point is below my butt. It's gotten to the point where I sit on it frequently and it's longer than my arm, so brushing is a hassle. But I felt good about myself in that moment. That's something I could easily see Josh and I doing in the future. Getting dressed up, going to a nice restaurant, ordering fancy cheese plates and drinks, and just sitting there watching the window and talking to each other. It isn't often we get to enjoy each other's company, so I don't take it for granted. For our anniversary, he blew me out of the water. He got me a fire opal claddagh ring with matching white fire opal earrings. They were gorgeous and I couldn't have asked for anything more. I put them on immediately, and still haven't taken the earrings out. Me being me, I forgot Josh's presents at home. I felt like an absolute jerk. One sided gift exchanges don't really work.
Josh deserves way more than I can ever give him in my opinion. I can be distant at times and not easy to open up. I almost cried at our anniversary dinner, so I suppose that's a step. But I'm not as expressive as he is about his love for me. I love him more than anything in this world, but I never know how to say it. My therapist says that I just need to say it more and stop worrying so much on delivery and silly things. I want to give him the sun, the moon, and the stars. Josh is an amazing man that I can't fathom living without. Everyone around us approves of our relationship and are even talking marriage already. For once, I feel what it means to be in a healthy relationship. That's something I've never had before, so getting used to that dynamic has been a little strange. I'm still conditioned certain ways, but I'm slowly becoming my own person. I'm not what the world made of me, but what I make of myself. Josh is with me though it all and I know he has my back. I just pray he doesn't see something he can't handle.

Slalom Way

The beginning of the semester has brought stress. I know I can handle it, but that doesn't make it any easier. I've only just completed my first classes for each. For the long Labor Day weekend, my family and I decided to go on a mini vacation. We left last night after I got out of work and drove about 3-4hrs to get here. As soon as I got out of the car, I was amazed. The stars were so incredibly bright. The house we rented is in the Poconos, so it isn't too populated and lit up. You can hear the crickets and cicadas chirping outside, and see nothing but trees and sky. The house we have is 3 bedrooms, so everyone got their own room. Today we started late because no one got to bed until 2am. We went fishing, and I caught my first fish (a rainbow trout). We had them filleted and scaled to fry up for dinner. I've never been a seafood person, but it wasn't bad. I guess tastes may change over time. Tomorrow we have a boat to go out on a big lake for some more fishing. We all enjoy it, and love spending that time together. I'm hoping to fit in some hiking as well, since it's so beautiful here. I love my family, and I love spending time with them doing fun activities. The only thing that could make this better were if Josh came with us. This weekend will be fun without a doubt, and I can't wait to make the most of it.

Ain't Ever Getting Older

The more I'm around Josh, the more I get a feel for us. Every couple is different with different dynamics and quirks. He and I have a crazy connection where we're almost freakishly in sync with each other. We text each other at the same time, think the same thoughts, finish each other's sentences, and even dream the same dreams. We like the same music and the same foods. Josh is like the male version of me, but actually tolerable.
We had dinner with his nephews, mom and dad. I've only been over for dinner once before, and his family holds the same traditions as mine. Always having vegetables, praying, and having manners. I've had dinner with a couple of different families and not everyone holds to that, especially the prayer. As we ate, his young  nephews were being difficult and misbehaving. As I spend time with his family as a whole, I see more and more how dysfunctional and imperfect they are. But it's that dysfunction and imperfection that's perfect to me. They're human and don't hide it. I genuinely love his family. His mom is the nicest and most down to earth person, and his dad is so sweet and funny. They went on vacation and actually thought of me and got a cute t-shirt. I feel like part of their family. His mom referred to me as "aunt [Eve]" over dinner. It took me by surprise. It might have just been a slip or not a big deal to them, but to me it means something. I'm getting close and I love it. I've been afraid to get too close. I've been burned before, the latest time being the worst. I've gotten involved in families and invested in people, all for naught. But with Josh's family, it's different. They're all so amazing in the simplest ways - and I never want this beautiful simplicity to end.

Yurt

I spend every waking moment thinking about Josh. How I miss him, want to hold his hand, kiss him, and have our asshole-ish sarcastic banter. My mom and I were looking into resorts for a long weekend in September for labor day. I happened to stumble upon one with great reviews, beautiful rooms, and lots to see and do in the area. Best of all,  it's accessible. He doesn't know it yet but I'm thinking about next summer already. He and I going on a couples trip would make me so happy. Obviously I have more than enough time to plan and browse,  but I love the idea. There are shooting ranges nearby and tons of fishing. Sometimes I think I plan too much in advance but I love when things are perfect, which takes time. I just love everything as it is.

All My Friends

Josh and I were able to score one last sleep over for the summer. I made plans with my friends so all of them could meet Josh and we could spend time together. My day started with a psychological interview for the DEP Police position. It was emotionally exhausting. There were far too many questions and inquiries. By the time I left, it was 2hrs later. I was exhausted but I rushed to NJ. I got to Josh, then we headed out. My friends, Josh, and I went to the beach. We watched the sun go down and saw how pretty the bright moon looked in the pastels. We gathered back to the car at the sight of lightning. It was beautiful to watch while I drove. We stopped for food and everyone finally got a chance to just sit down and talk. Everyone was getting along amazingly. I couldn't have asked for anything better. We left and I dropped everyone back to their respective houses.  Josh loves my friends and my friends love him.
Josh and I stopped for coffee on the way home and on the way into the drive thru, I hit the curb. I ended up losing part of the side of his car. The sliding door still works so it's purely cosmetic. I was just in pieces over it, and Josh could tell. He tried to calm my nerves and make me feel better. Eventually I was able to relax. We took advantage of his bed, then went to sleep. We cuddled all through the night and once again I loved feeling him so close. His alarm for school went off early in the morning and he told me he would call out so we could stay in bed together for longer. It was just he and I home. His parents are away on vacation so we had the house to ourselves. We slept in, I showered, and we saw a movie. We went to the mechanic to see how bad the car was. He didn't give anything by way of a price, and that makes me nervous. I'm so worried it'll be something outrageous. After that, we went to lunch/dinner. Just looking at him eating makes me smile. I tease him a lot, but I also love him a lot. It feels so perfect when we kiss. I eventually had to leave to come home, and it broke my heart. As soon as I got into the cab and watched as we pulled away, I got teary eyed. Something about this sleep over felt different. He and I were alone together. No parents or anyone else in the house. That's what I dream of in the future. I watched on my phone as we got farther away from each other on the map and it made me even more sad. But that feeling of sadness, especially in that degree, confirms what I really already knew. I never want to be without him.

My Law Student

I slept over at Josh's house the other night. I really do cherish every moment I spend with him. He asked me what my favorite times are with him, and I really didn't have to think much. My favorite moments are when we sleep together. It's so sweet to be able to roll over in the middle of the night and have the person you love right there next to you. You can listen to them breathe and feel the small movements as they dream. Josh calls me a spider monkey when I sleep. I like to be as close as possible to him no matter what. Whether it's being the little spoon, wrapping his arm over me to cuddle, or just draping my legs over his. I love being with him, in every aspect possible.
He had school the next day. It was the last day of his pre-law school session and he had an exam. Seeing him in his element with the other law students was nice. After the exam, he and I cut out and got lunch together. We had Cuban food with a pitcher of watermelon mojitos to share between us both. It felt like an adult date. I'm not sure why - maybe it was the adult drinks? The nice setting? The amazing food? Or maybe just the realization that we're both growing up, not just me.
After our lunch, we made a quick pit stop home, then headed back to his school. There was a family and friends BBQ that he wanted me to attend. Me being the introvert I am, I wasn't a huge fan of meeting new people. The introduction began and certificates were given out to the program graduates, and they welcomed as official students to the law school. A speech was made by some woman, I can't remember her roll. Maybe a Dean? But she asked the family and friends a few questions. Why do we want our law students to go to law school? And what's in it for us? I really had to think about that answer. I tease Josh all the time that I'm just using him for his rich lawyer money, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. I wouldn't care if he became a shitty public lawyer being paid shit money. As long as he was happy doing what he was doing, that's all I'd care about. I want him to go to law school because that's what he wants. He loves history and the law and fighting for what's right. Josh has a pure heart, and it's very clear to me that he'll be the best lawyer possible. The woman said that the upcoming first semester was going to be the most difficult. Relationships will be tried and strained. Arguments will be had and silent treatments may be given. But in the end, the strongest relationships will survive. I believe Josh and I will make it. We have to. I've already fallen for him too hard to give up over some bullshit I know will pass. I've endured a lot of nonsense over the years, and I finally found someone who's worth enduring it for. I love my law student.