Fun with Nuns

I just got back from a long weekend at Josh's house on Monday. It's felt so boring around the house without him to keep me company and without us doing things together. We met his college friend for lunch, perused the stores in 2 different malls, got my ear pierced (my 6th piercing), saw his best friends' hockey game, went out to drinks at a bar with his group of friends, learned how to roll a proper joint from an expert, made dinner for 2 and an Oreo pie, inherited a weed bowl from his friend (then bought our own), smoked almost every day I was out there, went to a baseball game with my family, and laid in the sun for hours with no real plan for the day. We did a lot of stuff from when I got there last Thursday to when I left on Monday. It seems really stupid, but it was such a perfect mini vacation. The biggest responsibility I had while there was watching his 2 young nephews for maybe 15mins. There was no doing dishes or vacuuming or dusting or laundry or cat boxes or work. It was just Josh and I doing whatever we wanted. In the original plan, his parents weren't supposed to be home but shit happened and they couldn't go to Virginia as planned. But Josh and I made the most of what we had, and it was awesome. It was relaxing going out onto his deck late at night and smoking together. I had just learned how to smoke a bowl with a pipe so I was trying it out as often as possible. He and I would just chill there and talk and take in the world. The stars were beautiful the last night I was there. You just take in the smells and sights and feelings. I learned that smoking a bowl doesn't get me insanely high, but just enough to feel it and feel silly. And very hungry. The first night I got so high that I don't even remember what I did in bed with Josh. I'm assuming it's good because he told me I should get high before sex more often. Whatever I did, it was clearly liked. Overall, it was an awesome little stay-cation. On Friday we're planning another sleep over with Andrea and Daniel this time. We're gonna go in his pool, drink, make some weed brownies, maybe go to a strip club, and enjoy ourselves. I've never really felt this type of freedom before to just do whatever I wanted and go with the flow. Is this what summer is supposed to feel like?

Cee-Lo

**This was supposed to post 6/14 but I suck and it didn't post, so here it is. Just pretend this was from a couple weeks ago, k? K.**
I feel like I'm really starting to get back to who I was before the semester took so much out of me. I've been able to have some fun and relax, finally. Andrea and I went out for dinner and drinks last week and it was so much fun seeing her again and laughing together. I've been slowly cleaning my room over the course of the last week or so, and I'm actually enjoying it. It feels good to organize and get everything cleaned up.
Last night Josh and I went to a Rise Against concert, which is one of my favorite bands. It was a little chilly, but feeling the music flow through you does wonders for your mood. You don't just hear the music, you actually feel it. It was still early after the concert, so we decided to get together with his friends. We grabbed some alcohol from Josh's house, got some mixers, then headed over. It was 3 of his guy friends there and I was a little nervous at first. I want his friends to like me, and I didn't want to stand out as being that annoying girlfriend that goes to Guy's Night. I soon fell into the flow of things and it was so much fun. We all drank and played dice and bet money. There was a lot of drinking and laughing and cursing and it was perfect. I fit into their group and it felt right. I didn't feel like the odd man out. We played for a couple hours and left around 2:30am. I put down $50 and won back $46, so I think I did pretty good for my first time around. By the time we got home and settled it was a little after 3am. It was the most fun I've had in such a long time. I hope this is what my summer will be like.

Lo-Fi

It's been a long time coming, but it finally came. I graduated with a degree. I did well in everything and made it past this school. I'm done with community college and moving on to a more reputable college. The only thing I'll miss is the familiarity I had with it. It's hard for me to get mental maps of new places so I find it difficult to visit unknown places. The new college is much bigger than either of my previous colleges. I'm beyond nervous, but also excited. This Thursday I have my credit evaluation and I'll see how much longer I have until I achieve a BA. Then I'll do at least an MA with hopes and dreams of a PhD.
Now that school is out of the way, I feel happier. The stress and depression are still there, but they're fading. I think I'm getting back to my normal bitchy, and  sarcastic (to a fault) self. That's really how you know I'm coming back. I start getting more aggressive and tease everyone around me. I'm slowly resurfacing once again.

Space Cat

I've really been trying to get myself together. My depression is slowly eating at my soul. I find it hard to sleep and eat well. I usually eat salads and drink water often and skip snacking during the day. Recently, I haven't been doing what's healthy. My overall mood is low. Low energy, low happiness, low productivity, low everything. The only times I put on a front are at work and around my family. At work I'm always known as the happy one who bakes, wears quirky t-shirts and greets people by saying good morning at any time during the day just because it sounds happier. I train the new hires and take care of my customers. I have my work friends and we all laugh and have a good time. Work can actually relieve stress sometimes for me. Working with the right people just keeps you in a positive head space. I know that at work, there's nothing else I have to focus on. My attention is purely on my job and that's it. It's like a mental vacation sometimes. I forget about due dates and finals and chores and homework and responsibilities. I'm good at my job and it makes me genuinely happy when I see my customers satisfied. We got a group of about 6 or 7 mentally slow people come by the store with 2 care takers. The woman I ended up with was obviously not all there mentally but she and I had an in-depth conversation about The Golden Girls (one of my favorite shows). I could see that she appreciated someone talking to her and genuinely caring. It's moments like that that make me smile. But as soon as I come back into the reality of my life, it sucks. Everything seems bland and boring and I have no interest.
Josh has been bearing a lot of the weight with me being like this too. I wish it were as easy to get rid of depression as it is to get it. He's really been patient through it all. I love him immensely and I'm thankful he's with me. I just have no romantic motivation. Conversations are boring (not just with him) and I feel out of it. Some days are better than others, but others are worse. I feel tired all the time but can't sleep when it comes down to it. I feel like I'm riding blind on a horse. I can't see where the fuck it's going and I have no control; I'm just along for the ride. Just gotta hold on and hope I don't fall off.

Because That's My Life

I wrote an entire essay that I was proud of on here. I voiced my feelings and felt good about it. Then I accidently closed out the app without saving. So. Long story short - I feel like a failure, but my therapist insists I'm not. Still feel like shit. I compare myself to others because I'm extremely self critical. The end.

North Wind

Depression has snuck up on me once again. Putting on a brave face for my family or at school or work is second nature at this point. But my energy feels totally depleted. Every morning I wake up and already can't wait to be back home. My willingness to put effort into my classes is dwindling as well. I'm either sleeping, day dreaming, or taking half-assed notes to look productive. I lay awake at night just thinking and not sleeping. I've always been more of a night owl, but it's getting a bit out of hand. It's 2:30am and I just got into bed. I don't know where the time goes. I just enjoy it when everyone is in bed. No one is asking questions or telling me to do something or just in general being annoying. I enjoy my time alone. I'm definitely an introvert so after a long day at school, all I want is to silently play Zelda in my pajamas with no one talking to me. I'm finding it even difficult to text lately. I just get so caught up in my own thoughts or things I'm doing that I just totally forget conversations and the people I'm talking to. I don't know how to shake this feeling. I really wouldn't mind living with it like I had during high school, but it isn't just affecting me. Josh is concerned and I never want him thinking it has to do with him or something he did. It's who I am. I'm prone to depression and anxiety in certain situations. If I could change it, I definitely would. I hate being like this.
Today in history, we were talking about Russia in the early 1900s. I was actually somewhat paying attention in class and while I was half daydreaming, I heard the name Trotsky. That's how I have Leo saved in my phone. I can't remember how the name came about, but for whatever reason his contact name has been Trotsky for years. So when I heard the name, I snapped out of my daze and paid attention. We learned about the revolutions and Bolsheviks and touched on Marxism. It was actually somewhat interesting. That being said, of course Leo crept into my mind more so than usual today. I try not to linger on him because it hurts. I don't take loss well so I just don't confront the emotion. That's my coping mechanism. I still wonder how he's doing on a daily basis and of course I don't have answers. At this point, I'm losing hope that he'll heal enough to bring me back into his life. All in all, there are several elements to this depression I'm feeling. I wish it were as easy to deal with as some people think - "Stay positive" "Think happy thoughts" "Just try smiling" "Get over it" "Stop being dramatic". I know there are people that have it much worse than I do, but my heart is still aching. It's like trying to fix a hole in your boat with duct tape and play-doh. Yea it might hold for a little bit but that shit is fragile and can give in at any moment. It looks sturdy from the outside, but under the surface it's taking on water.

Carl Vinson

There have been a lot of thoughts swirling in my mind lately. I think about school, work, friends, Josh, and just life in general. Being so close to becoming an actual adult is scary. I don't have adult skills yet. So knowing that in a couple years I'll be out of college is kind of intimidating.
Another thing in my brain is the current political climate. The entire world seems to be on edge just waiting for something to happen. All it takes is a spark and the whole thing goes up in flames. My mom wants my brother to learn Korean in case something crazy happens down line. She wants him to be able to work as a possible translator instead of a grunt sent out to die. Some say it's paranoia, but I can't help but see it too. I'd rather be over prepared than under prepared. I've been thinking about it a lot for myself as well. Growing up, my mom always told me how her father and his brothers all fought in the wars going on because they owed this country their lives. I'm only a 2nd and 3rd generation immigrant, so I've heard straight from my grandfather's mouth how America gave him a new life. It helped both sides of my family to proper and grow. They were given the opportunity to live the American dream, and for that they were eternally grateful. I was raised under those same beliefs that you owe your country service if it needs you. Most families here in the States can't tell you a story about their family immigrating here. Millions and millions of people have been here for generation upon generation. That value of hardship is lost for most, but I still have it. I have the stories and pictures and documents fresh in my mind. If my country needs me, I volunteer. Josh doesn't like the idea at all, which is understandable. I'm praying nothing terrible happens, but no amount of praying can stop the inevitable. While watching the news every night, I think about Leo. He's still in school, but I'm sure if they desperately needed bodies he'd be called up. I worry for him when I see things getting tense overseas. I watch the news almost every night and always stay as informed as possible. I don't want Leo deployed. I'm worried about him for the personal reasons of course, but the military tension doesn't help. The entire world is on edge, and I can't help but have that weigh on my shoulders.