Praying

The last couple days have been weird in terms of my family. I have an aunt and uncle that we don't talk to (on my mother's side). I found out by complete accident from one of my cousins that my aunt had moved in with her daughter (my other cousin) in another state. I thought it was weird because of how far it was from her old house. I told my mom and she did a little digging, and things got discovered. After some research and making calls, we found out my aunt has lymphoma. She's known for about a year and a half, and no one told us anything. Only upon complete accident did we find out. It makes me think a lot about that dynamic. My mom and her siblings fought a lot in their adult years. My aunt and uncle did unforgivable things to my mom and did her dirty beyond repair. There's a certain animosity that I harbor against them both, but at the same time I try not to wallow in it. My family fell apart years ago and it never got repaired. My mom tried and the other two didn't want any part of it. I'd be lying if I said I missed them. I miss the idea of having extended family and people to count on, but not them as individuals. When I heard the news this morning from my mom, I wasn't emotionally affected. It sucks she has cancer, but it didn't feel as bad because I truly don't know her. I feel guilty for not feeling more sadness or worry. But I can't force emotions that I don't have.
Many people in my life have done me wrong. I've gotten hurt physically and emotionally and mentally. I'll carry that pain around for the rest of my life. I will never be the same person that I was before those individuals came into my life and took a piece of me with them as they left. Some of those people are neutral to me - I don't strongly care what happens to them. Then there are those that I hate. Hate is a strong word, but some people deserve it. I have scars that will be with me until the day I die. I often have dreams of the people I hate. I dream of hurting them like they hurt me. Sometimes my thoughts are disturbing. I've planned in detail how I would torture them and disable them from running. Killing is too fast sometimes. If I have to live the rest of my life affected by the pain, they need to feel some of that pain as well. I've caught myself smiling when daydreaming about the torture. Call me fucked up, but I think the world needs more eye-for-an-eye style punishment. There's only 1 person I would wish my life upon. The memories and flashbacks and fear and perpetual state of anxiety. I want that 1 person to feel what I felt. To see what I saw. To fear for their life like I feared for mine. To have to beg for the torture to end. I'm a harder person now because of those experiences. I find it more difficult to love someone and be loved in return. I want that person to know the irrational fears I have because of them, and how much they affect my daily life. I can only hope that one person gets what they gave me.

"Some say in life you're gonna get what you give, but some things only God can forgive"
Hey, listen.

Back to Me

I feel like I've done so much, but at the same time nothing at all. I try to write more often to keep my mind flowing and clean, but I've been busy. I've been reading a lot of stories and books and poems and sonnets for my English classes. I've been taking (painfully) tedious notes in statistics. I've put more effort than I thought was needed into faking not knowing the language for my German class. I've spent hours upon hours in the library or at home or on the bus reading and studying and writing papers. The good news is that I'm positive 3/4 of my professors like me.
I've been trying to balance out my school life with more social things. I've met friends for lunches/dinners, I've put effort into conversing more with my friends, I've made plans to hang out way more than I normally would. I've gotten great grades so far so I'm trying not to stress myself too much. My back has been killing me the last few days. It's gotten to the point of being so painful that it makes me nauseous. Even right now laying in bed I would rate my pain a 6/10. It's uncomfortable and is getting in the way of my work. I can't sit or stand for long periods to write papers or listen to lectures otherwise I can get into excruciating pain. Chronic pain is a bitch.
Lastly, some stuff has happened in my personal life. Josh's mom got into a crazy accident that totalled her car and sent her to the hospital. It was an interesting day. I've also found myself staying up later than usual. I like to be asleep around 1, but lately I've found myself awake at sometimes almost 3am. I found out my cat needs to take a pill every night, so that's been worrying if we can't get him to take it sometimes. Today I hung out with Gurmeet and his family for a few hours. I learned about Diwali and ate homemade Indian food (and dessert). It was nice just talking and feeling relaxed.
Anyway, I suppose my life could be worse. I've been thinking about the past recently and how much I've grown. I'm not the same person that I was 2yrs ago. Some people just don't seem to understand that. It takes time to accept your life and be happy with who and what you are. I was a very passive person in the beginning of my childhood. I was impressionable and weak and wanted to make everyone else happy. But now I've grown into who I always wanted to be. I'm tough and a little abrasive. I don't have a filter. I don't care what other people think. I'm a straight shooter and don't like fake people, and I have the mouth of a sailor. I've put up extra walls since I was last broken down. It's been a struggle but I've come out stronger over the last couple years. Not everyone has the luck of becoming a better person after tragedy.

43:12

Getting adjusted to the new school hasn't been very difficult so far. I'm getting to know the basic layout of the campus and where buildings are. I know my way around the library now and can manage the dining hall. Though, I'm still not into the socialization just yet. It's a huge campus so I pass a lot of people during my time there. Some of them I can tell I'd be good friends with judging on what they're wearing or how they carry themselves. But I'm much too reserved to actually talk to people. I only speak when spoken to, or if forced to do some kind of group discussion. Overall, I'm enjoying this experience. The classes are higher levels than I'm used to coming from a community college, but it's refreshing. People use larger words in longer sentences about more complex thoughts, and I love it.
I was leaving the library after dark a few days ago after spending a couple hours studying and doing some work. I like to listen to classical music when reading so I had my headphones in listening to one of my favorite pieces - The Firebird, composed by Igor Stravinsky. I walked by the security checkpoint and through the lobby. As I opened the door to the outside world I felt a crisp breeze on my face and the finale of Firebird was playing in perfect harmony to my opening the door. It was a literal breath of fresh air that seemed to hit me all at once. It was just a very powerful feeling that radiated from within my chest. I felt good. I felt motivated. I felt like this is truly where my life was leading me. My grandmother walked the steps of this library. My Great Uncle walked the steps of this library. My mother walked the steps of this library. And I am now walking the steps of this library. I don't regret where I've been and the lessons I've learned since I graduated high school. If I would have come straight to this college, I would have missed out on so many great memories and adventures. I don't want to ever forget where I've been, but I truly feel this is where I belong. Every time I look out onto the quad, I can picture my mother playing frisbee with her friends. I can see my grandmother rushing to classes. I can see my Great Uncle making his way to the library to do research in his rented carrel. It makes me smile thinking about the history that campus has for my family, and now what is has to offer me. Life works in funny ways, I suppose.

The King's Astronomy

I had my first day of classes earlier this week and I was nervous as hell. I didn't want to admit it, but it was a totally new environment for me. It was a little intimidating getting used to the large campus and many many different buildings in which I had my classes. I finished my first full week today and I can honestly say I've enjoyed it. I don't know why, but I just feel at home there. It's like that school is where I'm meant to be. Something about the campus and the professors and the students. Everybody on campus seems so nice and friendly. At my first college, it was more like a high school. It was very clique-y with a small student body and limited groups. Then I went to a bigger college with a real campus, but it didn't have the best people or extra student groups to be interested in. Now the campus I'm a part of is teeming with student life and groups and gatherings. I'm not a social person really at all in my daily life. I don't speak unless spoken to, and even then I don't say very much. I've always kept to myself and didn't mind at all. But hearing my mom's stories about when she went to the college and all of the memories she made makes me want to possibly branch out. She's being persistent with telling me to make friends. It almost sounds like someone trying to socialize an animal the right way. Socializing has never been my thing - I'm just bad at it. I don't know how to (appropriately) respond to things people say me, and even if I try I end up rambling and not making much sense. I save myself the headache and use music or homework to occupy my free time on campus instead of attempting (and failing) to make friends. My usual train of thought is that I have better things to do than pointlessly socializing with people that will bear no significance in my life. It sounds very cold, but it's true. However, I'm second guessing that thought that I've lived by for many years. Maybe it'll feel good to make friends. Maybe I'll find some odd club on campus where I'll meet people I'll be friends with for life - or at least until I graduate. It's a little bit of an internal struggle at the moment. Most other people wouldn't see socializing as being such a big deal, but to me it is. When you've been guarded and overly cautious for so long, it's hard to face the possibility of letting new people into your world.

180?

I met with Josh a week ago to join his family on a vacation. It was the first time we had seen each other in 16 days. Being in a long distance relationship, 16 days wasn't horrible. It wasn't pleasant, but it could have been worse. He and his dad picked me up from the station, we went back to the hotel suite we shared, and I unpacked. It was a calm evening and we just enjoyed each other. The next day is when something peculiar happened. Josh and I went into town to hang out and enjoy the weather together. I took out my phone after we pulled into our parking spot and saw I had a text. It was from Leo. My insides didn't know how to react. It's been almost 6 months since we last had contact. I told Josh that I didn't know how to respond to the text. I had so many questions and emotions. I gave myself a couple of hours to think while walking around town and nothing seemed right to say. I texted him being honest and saying I didn't know how to respond. From there, we began talking. It was obvious to me that he wasn't comfortable opening up. He's more guarded now than before. We texted intermittently throughout the next few days while I was in vacation with Josh and his family. We all went out to dinners and enjoyed time with one another. Josh and I watched several movies together, drank, and I even had part of a weed brownie. It was a good vacation. But never in my wildest dreams would I have thought Leo would come out of the blue. Sunday night I asked Leo what he was doing the next day and invited him to hang out. I had my mother's car so we rode around and talked and caught up a bit. We ended up by my childhood home by the beach and it was a wave of nostalgia. We drove back to his house for drinks (non-alcoholic of course) and we continued talking. We spent about 3 hours together, and parting ways was difficult. I didn't want to show it, but I was afraid. What if I left his house and we never spoke again? What if this was like a hit and run and he decides he doesn't want me back in his life? Was I too nosey with my questions? Or too aggressive with my conversations? I said my goodbye and drove home. We continued to text (which made me very relieved), and I invited him to come with me on some errands today. He (seemingly begrudgingly) agreed. We spent today walking around my new campus and finding my classrooms (which is more difficult that one would think), getting coffees, buying a new school bag for me, and getting gas. It was a fun little adventure and I enjoyed our time together. He's been my best friend for years. I knew everything about him and he knew everything about me. I missed that the last 6 months. The depression that hit me after we lost contact was insane, and something I never want to go through again. I asked him today if he thought he would be leaving my life again because my mental health couldn't take another depression like that. He told me I had nothing to worry about, but of course I still worry. I know his mental state could be better right now, and that's something I'm trying to help with. Getting out of the house and into the world helps with depression. I don't want him slipping deeper into his depression. It's going to take some time, but I hope he can learn to open up to me completely again. I'm getting bits and pieces, but not everything. I've missed Leo so much, and it's surreal to think a week ago I would have thought you were crazy if you told me Leo and I would be talking and seeing each other again. Most of me gave up hope on ever speaking again. I suppose we'll see what happens, but it feels good to have my best friend back.

Peaches en Regalia

*Original Post was from 8/13*
I'm deciding to write about my week of vacation in installments at the end of my days when I soak it all up. We rented a house by a big lake. 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a fire pit, and 2 separate personal docks.
8/5
Getting here was a relief. It took a bunch of traveling and arduous driving to make it, but it was worth it. The house is beautiful. We chose rooms, unpacked, then my dad got the fishing poles out and ready. There are so many fish in this lake. It seems like you can never have your bait in the water more than 30secs without a nibble or a bite. My first catch was a small rainbow sunfish. Obviously not a keeper, but his colors were gorgeous. We all lost track of time fishing and reeling in many many many pieces of seaweed (or rather lakeweed?). We lingered outside a while after concluding the fishing session. My dad and I both looked up at the night sky and saw a shooting star streak across the sky, and of course I made a wish. At the end of the day, I went to my room and got comfy. I opened my window and heard the smooth sound of gentle waves. I chose this room because it faces the water and the view from bed is pretty nice. I can even hear the bugs outside. They aren't being drowned out by loud music or fast cars or sirens or buses or railroads. It's nature's soundtrack.
8/6
Today was again a very lazy day. My brother and I decided to swim in the lake. We each grabbed a couple pool noodles and jumped in. It was a little chilly, but not awful. My dad joined us eventually and we just floated and swam around for about an hour enjoying the weather and waves from the boats zooming by. We had a night in for dinner with burgers, fries, and fresh corn. Then for dessert, we started a little bonfire next to the house and made s'mores. After that, we all just chilled. I'm in bed right now writing this and it's so nice. There's a nice lake breeze coming through my window and I can hear the waves softly hitting the shore. The only engine I hear is from the harbor master going the length of the lake to make sure no one is in the water. Besides that, it's silence with a hint of nature.
8/7
It really is gorgeous out here. Every morning we wake up and eat breakfast at the bar in the kitchen and look out at the water. You can see boats going by and water skiers speeding past as the sun is reflected in the water. Today we traveled north to see a Museum of Fun. I thought it was lame but when we actually went inside it was really cool. I found myself spending more time with my dad talking and exploring together. I don't get a lot of time with him in our normal lives, so these trips centered around our family are great. I've always been a daddy's girl and I doubt he'll ever see me as anything other than that. We played old school arcade games and won some tickets. I traded some in for a bracelet. It's a cheap neon yellow pull string bracelet, but I love it. My dad got it on for me and I want to always remember this trip by looking at that stupid little bracelet that's currently still on my wrist. We got home and fished for a while before going in. I can't be at this house and go a full day without fishing at least once. Now I'm in bed early because we pick up the boat tomorrow morning. This vacation has done me wonders already, and it's only a couple days in. I'm a simple girl that doesn't need much to make me happy. Give me a fishing pole with some bait and my family and nature and I'm happy. Being in a quiet place like this helps my anxiety and depression. Even Josh sees a difference just by the way I'm texting. All of my worries and anxieties have faded greatly. I don't have to worry about school starting soon or shit going down at work or getting books for my classes or doing chores. I fish, eat, sleep, go on little adventures, then fish again. When I'm older and have the means, I would love a lake house. Somewhere familiar I could retreat to when life gets a little overwhelming. Hopefully one day I'll be able to meet that goal.
8/9
I never want this to end. I sleep well all night, wake up to breakfast downstairs, then start a day of fun. We picked up the boat yesterday morning and my dad and I were going to drive the boat back to the house. We made it maybe 10 minutes and it overheated. The smoke was so thick and disgusting we could barely breathe. My dad opened up the engine hatch to let it cool. We called the marina and they rescued us (after waiting 45 minutes), and gave us a new boat. Turns out the water pump wasn't installed correctly after rebuilding the engine, so it had no way to cool off. We used the new boat to fish for the rest of the day, and just chilled. Today my dad and I took the boat to a marina across the lake and picked up an inner tube to drag behind the boat and a pair of water skiis. It's funny to see the boat boys on the dock watch me as I dock and tie up the boat. Most people wouldn't expect a girl to love fishing or be able to pilot a boat or build and start a campfire with just wood and a match or be able to navigate by the stars. But thanks to my dad who was a former Boy Scout, I've learned my share of skills and nature appreciation. I'm thankful for the life I've been given. Having time away from my usual monotonous life helps me refocus. My life hasn't been easy, but I'm still standing. I have a variety of skills that a lot of people don't have. I love stepping away from my normal life and being able to try and do new things. I attempted to water skii twice today and it didn't go very well. The first time I flopped over before I could pull myself up, and the second time I lost a skii and face planted into the water. I'm determined to go back tomorrow and at least get up this time. My dad told me that once you're up, the rest is cake. Overall, this vacation has been amazing. We still have a few more days here and I can't wait to take advantage of it all. Whether it's fishing or playing with the water toys or laying out in the sun doing nothing. And even times like right now when I'm writing this. I'm laying in bed with my window wide open looking out onto the water and listening to the waves. If I close my eyes, I can feel myself rocking as if I were still on the boat. Each day here has surpassed my expectations and I can't wait to do it all again tomorrow. My legs are a bit bruised and banged up and I took a fish hook to the finger today, but that all adds to the experience. And for those of you who don't know what a fish hook impaling you feels like, it hurts like a bitch.
8/10
I actually got up at a decent hour today. I didn't sleep in as late because I want to take advantage of the time we have left. My brother and I decided to go tubing again on the back of our boat. It was insanely fun, and more difficult than you would think. I took major air on multiple occasions and ended up hurting my elbow. We went back to our dock, I took some Aleve, and we headed out to water skii because mama didn't raise no cry baby. After 3 tries, I finally got up. Not all the way, but still up. I made it up twice but didn't last long at all before wiping out. We decided to rent the toys for another day to continue the fun tomorrow. Tomorrow we need to return both the toys and the boat, so I plan on taking full advantage. My parents and I went out to eat without my brother and it was a nice change in pace. After getting back, I decided to go for a sunset kayak up and down the lake. I paused on multiple occasions because it was breathtaking. In a kayak, you're very close to the water so watching the sunset was spectacular. I had to get through a couple wakes so I really learned how to maintain my center of gravity. I did a lot today and I'm honestly exhausted, but I can sleep when I'm home. I'd rather wake up and enjoy the day instead of wasting it sleeping.

8/11

We had to return the boat and water toys today. My dad and I loaded up the boat with the skiis and tube and were going to bring them back to the marina across the lake first, then bring the boat back to another marina we rented from. We untied the boat, got in, and then my dad realized he didn't have the boat key. Panic set in as we were (not so slowly) drifting towards a rocky beach-like area by the side of the house. To keep us from beaching and ruining the boat, I took my flip flops off and hopped into the cool water. I had on a pair of sweats (it was a little breezy) and a t-shirt instead of my bikini because I wasn't anticipating getting wet. I had to manually push the boat back out towards the water, run to the dock, and grab the line my dad threw at me to tie the boat before he drifted out. We got the boat docked again and I yelled at my dad for not making sure he had the key before undocking. I was completely soaked so I changed my clothes before heading out again. We set out one more time to return the water toys across the lake. Once that was done, he and I left on our last journey on the boat. I piloted most of the way, but the boat started running out of gas. I cut the engine and googled where the closest fuel station was, but the signal in the middle of a lake isn't always reliable. My dad started it back up to see if we could make it the remaining 8 miles to the marina, but we couldn't. The gas gauge said we still had about 1/8 of a tank left (which would be sufficient to make it to the marina), but it just wouldn't start up again. We had to call for yet another rescue because we were aimlessly floating in the middle of the lake with no gas. Help arrived and assured us it wasn't our fault. Apparently the woman who had the boat before us had the same problem with the gas gauge, and it isn't accurate. That made us feel a little better about getting stranded for a second time. He gave us a few gallons to ensure we could make it back to the marina, and we did. After all was settled, we met up with my mom and brother who picked us up. We got ice cream at a place that's apparently widely known upstate. It was very creamy and the chocolate dipped waffle cone I had was incredible. We all came back to the house after ice cream and now we're just hanging out. It feels good to enjoy one last evening together before our trek home.

8/13

I remember taking one last walk outside to the docks before we left and feeling sad. I would probably never be back there and see that view again. The house faced west, so it had a perfect view of the sunset over the lake. The last night we were there, the sky was the clearest I had ever seen. It was like standing in a planetarium. I could see a lot of different constellations and planets. It made my dad wish he would have brought his telescope. I took advantage of the last night at the house. I ate half of a weed brownie and enjoyed the stars. When everyone turned in for the night, I sat by the front window in my room that overlooked the lake. I listened to the waves and felt the soft breeze on my face. I flashed back to that moment as we pulled away from the house for the last time. The week we had there felt like a dream. It was perfect in every way imaginable.

After about a 3 hour drive, we stopped for the night in a little motel. We continued the rest of the way this morning and made it home. The only thing that kept me smiling when I walked in were my cats. They were happy to see me, and I missed them a lot while away. I suppose it's nice sleeping in my own bed with my cats, but I'll miss the soft waves that lulled me to sleep. It sucks to be back to reality, but I leave again in a few days to join Josh on another vacation. I miss him, and it'll be nice to be reunited on a vacation together.

Beartooth

I've been feeling very free lately. The last week especially. I've seen my friends and had an amazing time, not feeling the slightest of worry or pressure. Last Saturday was Warped Tour. Andrea, Daniel, Josh, and I spent the entire day together. I picked Daniel and Andrea up in the morning and spent the ride out to the venue laughing and talking and bullshitting. We ended up getting there late, but no one minded too much. We saw a bunch of different bands, bought over priced food, and of course got some merch. There was one moment in particular that stuck with me though. My mom has told me before that if I ever get severely injured, think of a specific moment in time and put yourself there. Remember the smell and feeling and sound and the little details. We were all up on a raised platform above the crowds to see a band perform. We were all watching and enjoying the atmosphere. It was that moment that I decided I would remember. I took note of the sun on my face, the gentle breeze through my hair, the slight tug on my right ear from an earring blowing in the wind, my chest pounding with the deep vibrations of music, the distinct smell of marijuana in the distance, and the freedom my soul felt. I closed my eyes and just focused on the moment. I had my friends and boyfriend around me. I was happy. We eventually moved on and left later in the day. We all stopped by Wendy's for some fast food and ate in the car. We dropped everyone at home, then headed home ourselves. Due to plans with my family the next day, I couldn't stay the night. By the time I got home it was around 1am, and I was exhausted.
On Wednesday, I saw Gurmeet. He got an internship, so we will no longer be coworkers. However, we vowed to keep in touch no matter what. He's that typical gay best friend that you check out guys on tinder with and gossip about mutual friends. We saw a movie together, then went out for an early dinner. He and I ended up at a 5Below right next to where we work, and got matching key covers to symbolize our friendship. It's stupid and silly and doesn't make much sense, but it made us happy. Losing him at work is going to be difficult. We would always mock each other and compete for the highest ranking in the store for company credit cards. Seeing him on the schedule when I got to work made me happier and more excited to work. I hope he comes back, but at the same time I'm happy he found something better for himself. I know one day I'll be leaving too, but I genuinely love my job and most of the people I work with. I'm a senior cashier and top performer for the store. I like being a big fish in a little pond, but it'll be different without my partner in crime.