Here Comes the Sun

It's almost 6am and I have yet to sleep at all. I've been high as a kite for hours which usually lulls me to sleep, but tonight is different. I got news earlier today (or yesterday I guess?) that I've been accepted into my first choice graduate school. I'm a very hectic mix of relieved, overjoyed, and anxious as hell. I've talked about graduate school for pretty much a decade at this point and never took no for an answer after getting rejected twice from two different schools. Now I have acceptances from more than one program. I've been tossing and turning for hours watching stupid YouTube videos to "celebrate" and relax. Since I'm so restless, I decided to just fill out the enrollment forms online to set everything in stone. The next step is to contact my assigned advisor and go from there for the class registrations.

I'm going out with my coworker on Sunday for a social distancing hang out. We're going to get fast food in our separate cars then drive back to his house and camp out in our cars eating and talking on the phone. It sounds like a stupid idea, but we miss each other a lot and we really have become good friends. I really can't wait for the day where we can eat chicken nuggets in my car and talk about office gossip or watch a funny video or just confide in each other about whatever stresses we're going through. I haven't seen a friend in person for almost 2 months now besides a quick trip to the office a few weeks ago. The only thing really helping me right now is knowing that once this is over I'll be on my way to fulfilling the dreams I've had for so long. I've waited over 24 years for this opportunity, so I think I can be patient for another few months. 2020 will be one hell of a year to explain to my grandkids some day.

Bonus Content

Here are some songs I've been enjoying lately. We're all a little bored right now so why not share a little music and maybe expand someone's horizons? I tried to keep my suggestions away from main stream bands or songs so we can all discover a bit of new music. All I ask is that you give them a chance and really listen. Just put on a pair of headphones and disappear into the music for a bit. Maybe I'll post more next time if I think this was still a fun idea when I'm sober.

Orchid

La Player

Dirtbag Baby

not ur friend

The Approaching Curve

Familiarity

Mind

Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes

I Got the Blues

Stars

Hej Hej

I keep saying this, but so much can change in such sort periods of time. I finished my medical quarantine last week and it feels amazing to get out of my house. However, things are limited as to what you can or where you can go because of the virus. It's gotten to the point of supermarkets rationing things like eggs, toilet paper, and even cat food. It feels great to get out of my house for a bit to do grocery shopping or general errands. I'm still wearing a mask whenever I leave the house, and my mom is trying to convince me to wear gloves while shopping. I think gloves are a bit pointless and wasteful, but I guess it makes some people feel better. This city-wide quarantine needs to be over already. I know it's for the best but so many people are going crazy, including myself. I'm used to working four jobs and now I barely work one. I went into a bit of a depression because I've lost my crutch. I usually work all the time to avoid thinking or really feeling anything deep. I don't like thinking about certain things and would rather focus all of my energy on work. I use weed every night to help me relax at night and get to sleep a little easier because I tend to be more anxious at night.

I got news today that for some reason made my anxiety worse. I got an email today from my second choice graduate school and I got accepted. I haven't told my parents yet, but I plan to tomorrow. I'm still waiting to hear from my first choice but either way I'm going to be a graduate student. All of my friends are extremely happy for me and say I deserve it because I work so hard. While I agree with them in some respects, I don't think I work terribly hard. I work up to 15hrs a day but not all of it is difficult. At the lab a lot of my job is training people. So I pretty much sit there eating my bagel and drinking my coffee while explaining things or walking them through certain tasks. That isn't very strenuous work but it does get exhausting after doing it so often for so long. I know I've been through hell and back, though, and I do deserve a shot at accomplishing my dreams. I've always wanted an advanced degree, and now that's something I can be proud of working towards. I didn't walk for my undergraduate college graduation because I find it dumb to celebrate something that is an expectation. I've always been expected to go to college, so why would I pretend I'm special for two minutes walking across a stage with hundreds of other people? I'd rather be sleeping, hanging out with my friends, eating, or watching trashy TV. However, I will most definitely walk for my graduate degree. This is something I've always dreamt about and now I can make it a reality. My end goal is a PhD, but a Master's Degree is a great starting point. A new future is ahead, and I'm ready for whatever it brings me.

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts"

- Winston Churchill

"What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals"

- Zig Ziglar

"When you've got a dream, you've got to grab it and never let go"

- Carol Burnett

COVID-19

Of course COVID is on everyone's minds, so I may as well talk about it too. Cases are exploding in the city with no end in sight. My parents are both compromised in more ways than one, so if one of them gets it it would be an actual problem. Unfortunately, I'm showing symptoms and have been placed in a mandatory 2 week quarantine. I'm able to walk amongst humanity next Wednesday, but until then I'm stuck doing nothing. Both of my lab jobs have closed in-person lab work and are moving to exclusively online. By way of my full time analytics job it's a bit more complicated. The entire office is in the process of transitioning to remote work, but not everyone is equipped for it - me included. I've lost out on 3 days worth of pay so far and that looks as if it will continue until someone gets back to me about working from home. Frankly, it's bullshit that people are losing out on money because of something that's out of their control. The new bill being proposed would make small businesses under 500 employees mandatorily pay 2 weeks sick leave for employees who qualify. The company I work for is much bigger than 500 employees so we have no promise of being paid for time out of work. I wouldn't mind working from home, and I would actually prefer it right now to give me something to do . However, I have yet to be contacted for setting up our remote systems.

This entire situation has me baffled. For most people (including myself) it brings up thoughts of a chaotically cinematic zombie movie. The mystery virus starts taking over the world and the death tolls rise as humanity falls. I know it won't get to those levels of extreme, but it's still disconcerting nonetheless. It's only been a few weeks since I last posted and it feels like a lifetime. Nothing feels truly normal anymore. Grocery store shelves are empty, people are (literally) fighting over toilet paper, hand sanitizer is a commodity, and communities are slowly being quarantined one by one.

I miss looking at the cat washi tape around my monitor at work. I miss talking to my coworkers about stupid shit we heard that day. I miss being at the lab training new research assistants and doing cool things. I miss driving home at 10pm cruising at 70mph all the way home bobbing and/or singing along to music. I miss seeing Seth. I miss not having to worry about infecting my parents with a potentially deadly virus. Everything needs to go back to normal again. I know it will, but how long do we have to live in a constant state of paranoia and panic-buying?

I Do It

I feel like I haven't written an in-depth post in a while. I honestly don't even know where to begin. My graduate school applications are all finalized and submitted, which feels both amazing and incredibly nerve wracking. In addition to my applications being finalized I finally got the opportunity to go to the hospital where I'm now working out of and play with biological samples. It was an extremely bloody process to collect the samples but I loved it. I did a majority of the cutting and sampling since the other person I was there with didn't like blood. It was an incredible experience seeing and then executing the process myself. Since we are dealing with blood we get suited up in big biohazard suits, hair covers, goggles, gloves, and face masks. Given the situation right now with the spread of Coronavirus we have to extra careful when dealing with bodily fluids. Unfortunately I slipped up while changing gloves and got foreign blood on my bare skin. I don't think anything will happen as a result, but it was a good reminder of how careful we have to be. Overall, it was an amazing experience. In a few weeks I have my first on-call weekend, which means I have to be ready to run to the hospital at any time to collect samples from someone. The hospital-based study that I'm a part of is mainly focused on pregnant women and their newborn children. Our job is to collect placental samples along with various other fluids including blood, saliva, and urine. It's a very bio-based lab and I'm loving it a lot thus far. I'm still very much involved in my first neuropsychology lab and I put in two days a week to work on those things. For a while I was part of a coding team, but now I'm mainly focused on training newer research assistants and keeping tabs on other people's work. I carry a title there as being a part of management, but very minimally. Between the two labs there is a lot of possibility for a publication with my name on it. While it sucks that these lab jobs are unpaid, the experience is well worth it to me.
On the personal side of life it's been a little difficult the last month or so. A coworker of mine from my full time analytics job has been hitting on me non-stop. Let's call him Khan since that's a pretty common last name. Khan and I were supposed to go out to drinks last weekend but he bailed on me and instead invited me over to his place. I know exactly what he wants, and I'm not sure if it's a good decision. I find him very attractive, but I know he's a player and it makes me uneasy. Seth has been kept in the loop with all of the happens and developments of this and he feels the same way. I know he can be a little possessive, but I think his instincts are accurate when it comes to Khan. I'd be lying if I said I haven't flirted back, but coworkers are generally off limits. We'll see what happens with it, but for now I'm keeping it flirty and noncommittal.
When it comes to Seth, not much has changed. We see each other multiple times a week, and I usually go over to his house every Monday morning. We sleep together for the first couple hours, then sometimes watch a movie. Our favorite thing to do recently is to watch Twilight Zone together. Last week I was in his bed sleeping and I partially woke up when I felt him pulling me closer. He didn't realize that I was semi-conscious and I heard him whisper how much he loved me. Something about that moment was so sweet. I know he loves me, and I know we're close in a lot of ways. But hearing him say that without saying it directly to me made me smile. I quickly fell back asleep, but I think about that moment at least a couple times a day. When in public he's a man's man who drinks whiskey and smokes cigars, and has no problem being crass and speaking his mind. But with me he's soft and sends me sweet texts and pictures. It's funny how much people change behind closed doors. I know I can be the same way. I'm sure a lot of people are. It makes me think about who people are when they're not "on". At work I'm focused and do my work and put up a somewhat professional front. I get accolades for my work ethic and overall contributions. But when I'm home I'm a cat lady who likes to get high and watch crafting videos. Who are you when no one is watching?

On-Brand

I'm really bad at this lately. Things have been just a pinch chaotic. 90% of my grad school applications are complete which is exciting. I also have a new job that I've officially started training for working as a research volunteer out of a major hospital. Once I get approved and get my own ID it'll feel different. I took someone else's when I went today and it was fine because I look like her (even though she's into her 30's) (I don't know if that's good or not) so i wasn't caught. But it was incredible what credentials can do and allow. We wandered freely behind the scenes of the doctor's areas and spoke with the nurses and doctor's like they were just normal people on the street. It's an odd social situation for me, but I loved it in a way. I ended up getting into a very detailed (and long) conversation with a high school student joining the study about neuroplasticity. It felt like exactly what I wanted to do. I want to roam the halls of the hospital and know people and have fun and be productive to society by conducting research. I want to help educate people and get them interested in the subject of psychology. At this point I think I'm just trying to let things happen. I need to loosen my grip a little in an attempt to save my sanity. I now work 4 jobs. My soul is getting tired again. I think the only way to make me feel less stressed would be to have my entrance letters to the programs I applied to. I don't know what I'll do if I get rejected for a 3rd time. My writing is all over the place tonight, just like my head. How "on brand" of me.

To Say I Love You

It's certainly been a while since I've updated. Life has been moving way too fast recently. My birthday is tomorrow and it's starting to really hit me how fast life is flying by. I'm reapplying to graduate schools and trying to keep my head above water with all my ventures. I have my grad school applications, one full time job, two part time jobs (soon to be three), studying for the GRE, keeping up with various things around the house, and attempting to maintain some semblance of a social life. I never really get a true day off where I don't have to do anything.

Today I had an actual day off and decided to go into the city with Seth. We went to a giant museum and spent hours walking around and looking at exhibits. Then he surprised me and took me to an insanely nice steakhouse, followed by going across town to his favorite bakery. It was a day off that was much needed, and welcomed. He insisted on holding my hand almost the entire day, and we spent our time laughing and talking. We also spent New Year's Eve together, and I slept over at his house. We stayed up until 3am watching movies, then another hour or so just laying in bed talking in the dark. We also spent the next day together as well. I was supposed to work, but our systems were down at the office so I got to rejoin him back in bed less than an hour after I had left. Being with him is like a breath of fresh air when I most need it. However, the odd part about all of it is that I'm not in love with him. Everything seems as if I should be, but I'm just not. It would greatly complicate things if that were to happen, but for now we're happy with what we are. We're together but separate, but still love each other just the same. There's no better feeling than having him kiss me on the head. He's such a tender man, and not a lot of people see that side of him. I feel very fortunate to know him in the capacity I do.

At my full time job, I got a raise. State minimum wage is increasing, but I'm also getting a company raise in addition to that. On one hand I was pretty shocked when my supervisor told me, but it was also well deserved given the efficiency of my work. A lot of effort goes into balancing my jobs, so to get a raise just goes to show that I'm learning to balance them well. Also, I got a promotion at the research lab where I work. I now oversee other research assistants and assign them things to do, as well as spot check their work to ensure accuracy. It's technically a management position, but I still do data entry and normal tasks around the lab which I very much enjoy. It's a nice start to my morning to settle in at my computer listening to a true crime video while sipping my iced coffee and nibbling at a bagel.

When it comes to my day-to-day life I feel like it moves pretty slow. Some weeks feel like they drag on forever. However, in the larger scope of things my life is moving incredibly fast. It's becoming hard for me to keep up at times. I've had several people (including doctors) tell me to stop working so much, otherwise I'll be burnt out by the time I'm 30. I feel as if I was burnt out a couple years ago at this point, so what's another day of pushing myself to the limit?

(Don't) Stop Believing

I went to a wedding tonight. It was my first wedding, and it was all I could have hoped for. A gorgeous bride, lovely venue, delicious food, and old friends who I hadn't seen in years. As I was speeding to get to the wedding in time it dawned on me how suddenly life seems to be progressing. I'm getting to the age where everyone around me seems to either be engaged, married, and/or pregnant. People are trading in their part time minimum wage jobs for their real life careers and aspirations. I definitely see what people mean when they say life goes faster the older you get. I always thought it was bullshit. But I'm turning 24 in a couple months and it's scary. Not to sound cliché, but what is the meaning of life? Why do we have to work until we die? Is there no living left in life?

A few weeks ago my dad was in a car accident. Multiple cracked ribs, fractured shoulder, banged up knee, and a (literally) bruised heart. I was at work when it happened, and wasn't aware of the extent of my dad's injuries until he went to the emergency room later that day. The accident wouldn't have happened if I was home. I was making up hours at work because I had been given the chance to go home early on Halloween, and I jumped at the chance of seeing little kids in costumes. I didn't realize that me deciding to take Halloween off would indirectly result in my dad getting so badly injured. He goes to physical therapy every other week and so far has accrued $50k in medical bills. There are attorneys involved because it was someone else that caused the accident. The medical bills are being sent to the other attorney for he and his douchebag of a client to figure out. But I can't help but think that I'm still indirectly the cause of the accident. It wouldn't have happened if I were home like I normally would be on the day it happened. Having to get briefed on all of the medical and lawsuit developments is a lot. I'm glad my dad is mostly in one piece, but he could have easily died. All it takes is one split second to change an entire scenario, and an entire life.

Life comes, and life goes. People get engaged, and married, and have kids. And while someone is bringing a new life into the world, another life leaves. It's a constant coming and going of life. I could be dead this time next week for all I know. None of us wake up knowing we'll die in a car accident today, and go to sleep thinking about how one small decision during the day could have completely changed the trajectory of our lives. What dictates who lives and dies? Sometimes it seems like world has no order to the chaos. "God's will" is bullshit.