Hop and Smoop

I don't have much solitude or space to really write these days. Having constant construction being done is insane. I've spent many mornings sleeping on a recliner in my basement because I wanted just an extra hour and a half of sleep before work and that's the only place out of the way and quiet enough to do so. Needless to say, my back and neck are not doing well with sleeping on couches and chairs, but it's a means to an end.

Last weekend I saw Leo and it was very nice. He showed me around his new apartment and I think it's perfect for someone like him. We went to Walmart after I got there because he needed certain things for around the house. For once, my "female" nature shone through with helping him pick furniture and gather necessities. We got back to his place and I set up the garbage cans (where previously he had none) while he made us some food. We both drank a little while playing a sex trivia board game his mom had given him as a joke. While drinking and playing the game we also had on terrible hentai in the background to laugh at. I drank a little more than I had intended - about 3-4 shots worth. He wanted me to sleep over but I had work to do the next morning so I couldn't. We ended up watching a stupid movie to sober up and we actually made out for a couple minutes. It isn't something that I sought out, but also not something I fought. He drove me home only to realize that I had left my keys on his couch. Luckily, my brother was up and able to let me in at 2am. I still have yet to get my keys back but it isn't too much of a hurry.

By way of work I believe I'm excelling. I'm still in the training phase of things, but I think I'm doing better than my partner. I've established a good rapport with my supervisor and seem to be answering questions appropriately. Most of my days have consisted of 5-6hrs of conference calls with myself on mute while I scroll through social media or text my friends or make myself food. We'll see how it progresses but I'm trying to set the ground work to be an assertive go-getter, and I believe I'm achieving it. Office life is just a game, and you need to know how to play the game to win it. By being assertive you demonstrate that you're there to win and take what's yours. People respect that. I was just described earlier as being "a leader in [my] field". Once again, I'm the laziest overachiever you will ever meet. However, that seems to be working for me. I'm feeling a little mentally exhausted because I don't have a refuge at the end of my day where I can just relax and be alone. I don't mind sleeping on couches with my brother, and I'm actually enjoying hanging out every night since pre-quarantine I was never home. But having my own space again is much anticipated. I still have another couple weeks until I'll be moving back into a room of my own, but when I do move it'll be the best night's sleep of my life.

Here are some songs, per usual. I don't know if anyone caught on, but I've been leaving music in my posts for years now. I'd leave them in hyperlinks on certain words, usually relating to the song itself. Most of the time it was a song that described my mood or the topic of the post. I'm just curious if anyone actually realized I was doing that. Anyway, here is the promised musical relief.

Pursuit of Happiness

Those Eyes (Chapter 1)

Alone

IDK You Yet

Aspen Forest

The Night I Met You

Apparently

Myself

A Drop in the Ocean

Gone Again

Better Than Me

Another Day

Kickin' Pushin'

Worst Way

Start Again

Rebirth

I feel like I've been saying this a lot lately but things are changing. I'm currently in the process of packing everything I own into boxes. I'm finding things I haven't thought about in literal years. It's a reminder of how much has changed over the years, even since just the beginning of my undergraduate college career. It's been a major nostalgia trip since I started sifting through my things. It also has shown me just how much stuff I own. It's astonishing how many hoodies and tshirts I own, meanwhile I seem to always wear the same handful of things on rotation. Since it's been so hot lately I've been wearing shorts around the house and I forgot how long my hair is. It actually touches the back of my knees so it tickles sometimes when I'm walking around. In an attempt to break out of my normal "uniform" of a tshirt to go grocery shopping and I decided to try a crop top sweater I inherited from Josh's mom. It fit perfectly and I actually liked how it looked on me, so maybe I'll try to branch out more often when it comes to trying new clothing styles. I'm also finding a lot of dresses and skirts that I hardly ever wear. They're all cute and very flattering, but I'd just prefer to wear jeans or leggings to work. Before quarantine began I'd show up to my office in massively oversized hoodies and sweatpants and no one cared. I still count myself lucky being able to work for such a relaxed company. I'm actually starting my training on Monday with the new client and I'm looking forward to it. My new supervisor seems to have a stick up his ass which is extremely opposite of what my prior supervisor was like, but I guess I'll adjust eventually. The extra money will lessen that annoyance in time.

Circling back to my personal life for a moment, I'm excited to get out of the room I've been in for a decade and into something new. It'll take about a month for things to be done but once it's all pieced together it'll be amazing. I'll be moving to the upper floor into a finished attic. It has much more space, privacy, and storage for my various items and clothing. I've been dreaming about it for years since my mom suggested it and it's finally happening. It'll be a headache to be displaced for so long, but I think it'll be worth it. It feels like the start of something bigger and better. I'm moving into a new space, starting graduate school in a matter of months, and am well on my way to paying off my car in under 2yrs. I'm not completely satisfied with where I am in the big picture of life but it's a work in progress. I figured by now I'd already have a graduate degree and a serious relationship and possibly even a place of my own. But life happens and plans oftentimes don't actually happen at the pace we would like. While I'm not totally happy with where I am, I'm still optimistic about what's to come. I work my ass off at several different jobs just so I can have a better future for myself and hopefully do the things I've dreamed of since I was a kid. I want a graduate degree, a job I love, a serious partner to settle down with, and a promising future. I know everything comes in due time so I'm trying not to focus on what I don't have, and instead on what I do have.

On another note, things with Seth and I have been a little tense. We try to see each other once a week but he's extremely strict with keeping distance and always wearing a mask around each other. He refuses to loosen up with things and to some extent I get it. His parents are older and therefore more susceptible to getting the virus in a severe way. However, things seem to be on the decline and we're in the early "phases" of opening the city back up again. I want him to finally relax and at least allow me to hold his hand or just touch him. I haven't had actual contact with him going on 3 months, and it sucks. It goes beyond just attraction. I want to feel loved and see that sweet side of him who loves to cuddle and hold my hand and kiss my head. I would forgo the sexual aspect of things just to have a day where I could hug him again. I miss how he feels and smells and breathes. I miss crawling into his bed and taking a nap together or putting on our favorite show to watch together. I miss drinking peach Snapple in his bed after having sex. It's the stupid little things that really do mean the most, and I miss them all. I feel like he isn't willing to relax even the slightest bit because he's so paranoid. I keep telling him that there's a difference between caution and paranoia, but it does nothing but aggravate him which in turn aggravates me. Right now we haven't really spoken in a couple days. It's partially because I've been so busy packing and moving, but it's also because our conversations always seem to loop back around to us missing each other and me telling him he needs to relax with the restrictions. I wouldn't say we've fought about it, but there's been lingering tension that neither one of us knows how to solve. He thinks I'm foolish and I think he's paranoid. It's something that we've agreed to disagree on, but it's still causing problems. I don't know when I'll actually be able to be with him again in a normal setting. When I was over last weekend I saw his sister for the first time since quarantine and it was nice. Along with her came one of their dogs who is the sweetest and doofiest bulldog I've ever met, but she can still be rather intimidating when she wants to be. She immediately ran up to me because she was so excited to see me after so long. I still have yet to see the other two dogs they have, but at least seeing her for a while made me happy. I suppose over all it isn't an ideal situation, but really none of this is. Quarantine is driving people insane, and so are the recent world events. Sometimes it feels like the world around us is collapsing and on fire (literally), but it'll pass. It may pass like a kidney stone, but it'll pass.

Here's the oh-so-loved music section. We all need a bit of an escape right now so I'll throw in a few bonus songs on top of the bonus songs I've already been posting. Hopefully 15 songs is enough to keep your minds busy for a little while.

T.O. (I recommend the whole album but this is my personal favorite)

Cherry

Look for the Good

She Talks to Angels

If the World Was Ending

Drip Drop

Cologne

Caroline

Heartless

Broken Clocks

Anti-Depressant

Ragrets

Pills, Drugs, Alcohol

Never Be Like You

Stars (one of my favorite songs of all time)

Lycka

I've felt a lot like writing lately. Maybe it's because I'm feeling inspired, or because there's just a lot going on. A couple days age I went to a drive-by parade for Josh's law school graduation. He's been down about it for a while since the official ceremony has been cancelled given the current state of things. I took Leo with me and we had a good time on our little road trip. We arrived just early enough to decorate my car with balloons and write some things on the side. It was nice seeing familiar faces out there. His sister is pregnant again and it's the first time I've seen her since they found out. I also saw the little munchkins I refer to as my own nephews since that's how I truly feel about them. Even after Josh and I broke up they still call me their aunt. Soon I'll have a brand new baby nephew and I'm excited. After the parade we pulled over and I talked to Josh for a bit, hugged, then left with Leo. He and I stopped by a Sonic and bought copious amounts of unhealthy food and ice cream. We sat there just eating and talking and enjoying the time we had together. After we were done we hit the road and headed home. Over all it was a very nice time and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
The reality of being an adult is also starting to settle in. It just hit me the other day that I actually own a vehicle of my own. It's mine and no one else's. I pay the insurance, gas, maintenance, and loan payments. My last loan payment was $1.4k and I want to keep throwing money at it until I'm finished. My goal is to be completely done with it by the end of this year. It's going to require some hustling but I think I can do it if I work hard enough. Another event that makes me feel more "mature" is officially getting enrolled in graduate classes. I have my official schedule for the upcoming semester and couldn't be happier. I'm excited to be around like-minded people who are in school to better themselves and further their educations. My research coordinator at the lab forwarded me some of her slides and notes from the classes she took since we're both in the same program, but at different times. I also found out that my parents have been continuously putting money in my college fund, unbeknownst to me. That means that all of my MA will be covered, and some of my PhD as well. I feel extremely lucky as to not have debt right out of college. I know how fortunate I am and don't intend on wasting time like I did in undergrad. Everything feels like it's finally coming together. All the bumps in the road and hoops I had to jump through finally added up to something tangible. Now it's time to just focus on the road ahead of me and live my life to the fullest (once this quarantine mess is over).

I think I'm going to put more music this time. I have an overflow of songs on layaway so why not give a few bonus songs this time? All of the songs I leave in my posts are ones that I genuinely like or relate to, and I hope you feel the same way.

Tired

Banana Pancakes

Get You Right

Young Love

Always

Blueprint

Paradise

Cradles

Dear Maria, Count Me In

All Alright

True Neutral

I've been in a good mood lately. I'm thinking it's because of the social interactions I've had recently. I never thought a social distancing hang out would be fun or appealing. I see Seth once a week now if weather permits, which is always a nice time. It was a perfect day yesterday and we spent the day walking and talking and partially fooling around with a remote toy. I'll spare the details. I've also been putting in more effort to see Leo. He and I are seeing each other in a few days for a drive-by parade that I'm hoping will be fun. We'll probably be together for at least a few hours so I'm sure we'll have time to laugh and talk like we always do. Life is so different now, but I'm beginning to cope.

In other news, my work life has picked up. I've taken over the research lab's website and became an admin for our social medias. The website was the most difficult to get used to since it requires knowledge of computer coding. I spent a couple days poking around the site and got myself familiar enough with it where I could actually edit the code myself. I still don't know much, but at least I know the basics of web design and computer coding. I have no idea when/if those skills will ever be helpful, but learning a new skillset gives you an advantage over others, so why not? At my full time analytics job they tried to play me and take advantage of me. My company works with many clients and we each have our respective "projects". I personally have 2 clients which I share with 2 respective teams. I make a small amount over minimum wage, but barely. They tried to give me a new client who is notoriously one of the worst we have (we have 200+ clients) and not even tell me about it personally. So I demanded a meeting with the president of operations to ask him what his problem was. He said that everyone in the office fights over me because I'm good at my job and that's why they want me so badly with this client. They know I can learn quickly and adapt to any changes they might throw our way. While it was nice to hear him compliment me, I knew he was just trying to sweet talk me into not questioning it further. I told him I would take the new client if I got a decent raise. He said he didn't have the authority to do that, so I told him I wouldn't do it otherwise. I knew he was in a bad position because he either needed to retract from my name from the client (which reflects terribly on our company) or somehow get me a raise. Less than an hour later I was informed that I'm approved for a raise. The raise is significant enough where it'll give me $150+ per month, which I'm satisfied with. This is the second raise I've gotten in the last 4 months so clearly I'm doing something right. I try not to involve political things here, but I have to call out the "wage gap" for a second. I wanted more money so I worked for it. I didn't compare myself to anyone else and cried in the corner when I didn't stack up. I worked hard and I took what was rightfully mine. I had the balls to get a meeting with the president of operations for an international company, call him out for his unprofessionalism, and demand a raise. And guess what. It worked. There will always be exceptions to the rule, but if you as a female are making less than someone else doing the same job it's your responsibility to change it. If you don't have the confidence and perseverance to change your situation then that's a personal problem. I know what my time and energy is worth, and it certainly isn't minimum wage. I have 0 pity for the whiny females out there. Buck up or leave.

Some songs for the soul include the following. I'm still deciding on if I should group music by themes or just randomly sprinkle things around. I kind of like the music roulette game of just dropping 5 totally different songs. Will it be happy, angry, sad, hardcore, or country? Variety is the spice of life.

Me and Mr. Jones

Nervous

Cheeseburger in Paradise

Medicine

Think About Things

Red Hook

Last night I saw Leo again. We were intending to just drive around and hang out since we enjoyed it so much last weekend. It was my turn to drive so I finished work and picked him up. He had a conference call with some people so he was talking to them for the first hour and a half or so. It was funny listening to it, so I didn't mind. I was driving aimlessly listening to the conference call and talking to him when he had his mic muted. Eventually the call ended and we drove on aimlessly. We ended up by Seth's house completely by accident. As soon as I realized where we were I tried to avoid his house because it would feel odd driving by being so close to him, without him even knowing. But we talked and laughed and completely lost track of time. He and I are both pretty positive that we've gotten the virus already so that's why we're so lax with each other. I told him to put on some music so he was looking through my expansive library of music and putting on whatever he thought would be good/interesting. It was an eclectic mix of everything, but it somehow worked as good background music. At one point I turned the volume all the up and we were both belting out a song at the top of our lungs just living in the moment. Before we knew it it was midnight. We grabbed some pizza at a locally famous pizzeria and ate in my car. We talked about all sorts of things and enjoyed each other's company, as we always do. Eventually I dropped him off and headed home myself. I wasn't intending on being out so late, but time really does fly when you're having fun. It was a little past 1am when I finally got home and I was feeling the happiest I had felt in a while. It felt amazing to not have to be home at a certain time or under some other kind of constraints. I'd like it to be a more regular thing since it's so difficult to meet up when life is normal. We both have multiple jobs and work opposite schedules so finding time is nearly impossible. He really is one of my best friends and I miss him so much when we go such a long time without seeing each other. I hope that once things are normal again we can maybe continue these drives long into the night. He's protective and loves me, so I know he wouldn't put me in any compromising positions if we ended up somewhere sketchy or we got into an accident. He's one of the very few people I trust wholeheartedly. It was a nice night and a fun time with someone I hold dear. I just hope we can continue the tradition once this is all over.

Here are some of the songs that were played during our drive. Some of them we both screeched along to at the top of our lungs. Hopefully someone out there enjoys them as much as did.

One Day More

RICHMAN

Jack and Diane

Pull Me Deep

Shoots and Ladders

Mask Off

The last few days have been amazing. I've been working with the head of the graduate department on getting me registered for my first graduate classes. It's starting to sink in a little more that I'm not just daydreaming about getting in or saying things like "When I get into grad school...". I saw Seth on Saturday and it was great. We kept our distance in accordance with the CDC and all that jazz, but it was nice just to see him. We walked around his local park for a bit and it was nice. He lives in a "rich"-er area than most so his neighborhood isn't crowded and the park is always perfect. After getting tired of walking we headed back to his house where we sat in his nice backyard talking. A close family friend of his ended up dropping by and we all sat in the yard talking. She's like his second mother and is incredibly smart. She's a doctor who teaches medicine for a prestigious school and has her own research lab conducting every kind of study you can imagine. When Seth brought up the fact that I got into graduate school she was very happy for me. It was an odd experience discussing graduate school in such a way that was actually tangible instead of just a thought or wishful thinking. We decided that I needed to come over and visit more often, so I'll hopefully do just that.
The next day I had an impromptu meeting with Leo. I hadn't seen him since September so we decided to meet at a park by his house. We walked around for about an hour and a half but got sick of the crowds. He had bought a car just a matter of weeks ago so he showed me the car and we decided to go for a ride. I know the rule is 6ft with masks on, but we put the windows down and took our masks off. We talked and laughed and poked fun at each other like we always do. He's one of those people where even though you don't see them for months at a time you can pick up right where you left off as if nothing happened. We talked a lot about his new job. He's an engineer so he decided that the regular 9-to-5 wasn't for him. He works on a rig over the border in a different state. He seems to love it and genuinely enjoy it. He's also taken up work as volunteer EMS. He's had training in many areas throughout his life so it doesn't surprise me that he wants to implement that training when it's needed. He's in the middle of completing all of his certifications but he's actively working shifts on his ambulance. It worries me that he's out there potentially being exposed to lord knows what, but it's fulfilling for him and seems to make him happy. I know it probably wasn't the smartest decision to ride in a car with him without wearing a mask, but I just needed to feel normal for a bit. Just cruising around feeling the sun on my face and breeze through my hair while laughing and letting go for a little while. We decided that we should try to make more time for each other because we miss kicking around together. We were only together for about 4 hours, but it was a great 4 hours.
Being with Leo also brought some feelings to the surface. As we were talking about our jobs and lives in general it hit me that we're adults, which is horrifying. We have cars, work full time jobs, and get annoyed at the sight of high school kids. He holds the title of an EMS first responder as well as an engineer on a large vessel. I have the title of an analytics consultant along with being a research assistant at a developmental neuropsychology lab as well as a biologically based psychosocial lab at a hospital. Anyone hearing those job titles would think we were adults. In the grand scheme of things I suppose I am an adult, but I definitely don't feel like it. I'm just now learning how to make spaghetti and meatballs. I ordered a harness for my cat so I could walk her outside like a dog. I sleep with stuffed animals every night. I thoroughly enjoy anime conventions. I keep a small stock pile of candy in my car. So much about me is questionable in the sense of being an adult. I'm turning 25 next year and that's going to be a rude awakening.

I think I'm going to continue to throw some music at the end of my posts - most likely only 5 at a time to really digest all of them. I feel like it's a good way to maybe introduce you to something/someone you've never heard before. Maybe it'll inspire you or motivate you to do something. I've always found music to be powerful, and hopefully you do too. As always, I'll recommend headphones and/or a quiet place to truly focus on the music.

Suzanne

Father Ocean

All Love

Show Me Love

Ashes of Eden

Here Comes the Sun

It's almost 6am and I have yet to sleep at all. I've been high as a kite for hours which usually lulls me to sleep, but tonight is different. I got news earlier today (or yesterday I guess?) that I've been accepted into my first choice graduate school. I'm a very hectic mix of relieved, overjoyed, and anxious as hell. I've talked about graduate school for pretty much a decade at this point and never took no for an answer after getting rejected twice from two different schools. Now I have acceptances from more than one program. I've been tossing and turning for hours watching stupid YouTube videos to "celebrate" and relax. Since I'm so restless, I decided to just fill out the enrollment forms online to set everything in stone. The next step is to contact my assigned advisor and go from there for the class registrations.

I'm going out with my coworker on Sunday for a social distancing hang out. We're going to get fast food in our separate cars then drive back to his house and camp out in our cars eating and talking on the phone. It sounds like a stupid idea, but we miss each other a lot and we really have become good friends. I really can't wait for the day where we can eat chicken nuggets in my car and talk about office gossip or watch a funny video or just confide in each other about whatever stresses we're going through. I haven't seen a friend in person for almost 2 months now besides a quick trip to the office a few weeks ago. The only thing really helping me right now is knowing that once this is over I'll be on my way to fulfilling the dreams I've had for so long. I've waited over 24 years for this opportunity, so I think I can be patient for another few months. 2020 will be one hell of a year to explain to my grandkids some day.

Bonus Content

Here are some songs I've been enjoying lately. We're all a little bored right now so why not share a little music and maybe expand someone's horizons? I tried to keep my suggestions away from main stream bands or songs so we can all discover a bit of new music. All I ask is that you give them a chance and really listen. Just put on a pair of headphones and disappear into the music for a bit. Maybe I'll post more next time if I think this was still a fun idea when I'm sober.

Orchid

La Player

Dirtbag Baby

not ur friend

The Approaching Curve

Familiarity

Mind

Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes

I Got the Blues

Stars