Black Pearl

Things are starting to feel more real for me. I met my graduate school cohort this week and it was nice. It was a video call orientation including 3 professors/doctors with whom we'll be working for the duration of our MA's. My cohort consists of about 20 other people. Not many of us spoke, but there was an ongoing chat during the meeting where we could ask questions. At the end of the call someone from my cohort put her email in the chat and told people to email her our numbers so we could establish a big group chat. I emailed her immediately and was added to the chat shortly thereafter. I was the first one, but there are about 4 or 5 of us total now. We talked briefly about what classes we're each taking and if people would be interested in a hang out. It was nice getting to talk to people who are in the same boat. We're all new to graduate school and are pretty anxious and nervous about it. I'm looking forward to getting to know them more and working closely when classes start. Talking to them also brought up the thought of how lucky I was to be in this pool of people. I was selected for a specialized MA program at a very respected school. I'm one of only 20 people in my cohort. Graduate schools are so competitive and difficult to get into, which I've learned first hand by being rejected twice already. The fact that I was chosen out of hundreds and hundreds of applicants is insane. I'm positive that I didn't have the highest scores or super competitive grades. Yet, they chose me. It's just an odd realization to have hit you so suddenly.

I got my nails done today for the first time since going into quarantine. I was ordered to medically quarantine before my city got shut down, so by the time my quarantine was over the city's quarantine was just beginning. That was March 11th. I'll never forget that date because it's the last date that my life was normal. The last time I wore my work security ID around my neck. The last time I struggled to find parking at my office.

The last time I stopped by Seth's work (which is only 10 minutes from my office). The last time I grabbed an iced coffee on my lunch break. The last time I saw most of my coworkers. Now everything is different. My only means of communication with my coworkers is through our internal chat systems. Laughing emojis and stupid client stories are different when you're typing it out. Normally we would send IM's then look at each other across the cubicles and laugh together. It's sad, and I miss them a lot. I guess what I'm trying to say is that getting my nails done made me feel a fleeting sense if normalcy. I was able to pick a sparkly girly color and talk to my nail tech and listen to the ladies gossip. It was comforting. I can't stop looking at my nails because I'm so accustomed to them being naked. Now they're blue, they're shiny, and they're extra sparkly. Sometimes all it takes is something stupid like a pretty manicure to motivate someone to keep going and hold out hope.

Here's the beloved music section. I always recommend headphones because my personal favorite is to let myself disappear into the music. You block everything out and just focus on the music and the feelings it brings you.

Changing Shapes

Alive

Go Away

Side by Side

Time

Honey

Carolina in My Mind

Blame it on You

Cold War

Happy

Mystery of Love

American Woman

Sue Me

Ring

On Your Mind

Imminent Horizons

The last few weeks have been an adventure. The construction is finally over and we couldn't be more excited. I'm hoping to be moved in to my own room again by next weekend. I'm very much looking forward to and having some privacy some smoke and chill at the end of the day and sleeping in a bed at night. The new space is going to be bigger and have more solitude, which is something I've wanted for years. It's going to take a while until it'll be able to be painted and decorated how I would like it, but for now I'm just grateful to have a bedroom of my own.

My work life is thriving since I started working with a new client at my full time job. The company holds weekly competitions to see who is the most productive. It's pretty much just a ploy to get us to work harder for that period of time, but I like being an overachiever so I've made sure to place top 5 in the entire company, and top 3 in my office. The client is pleased with my performance and so are my bosses. I was invited to a company-wide operations meeting to congratulate me on the achievement. As an analyst, quality and accuracy make up a lot of my job. The company aims to have all of us at 90% accuracy and I'm currently working at 96% accuracy performing ~225% of the work expected of me (when I'm actually putting effort in). So within a month of working independently for my new client I'm outperforming people who have been with the same client for years. It feels good to overachieve and get recognition.

As for my research jobs I've also taken on a larger role. I've been helping to train new research assistants every weekend, and recently got a new group. So now I generate quizzes for each group, see how they do, and meet with them all to review and further train. The whole process usually takes up to ~3-5hrs per week but I enjoy it. I like working with them and interacting with people outside of my house, and I've always enjoyed training the new assistants in the past when the lab was still open.

My personal life is a little more bleak. I own two cats, and my older one hasn't been in good health since the construction started. I know it sounds kind of crazy, but he's my best friend and I'm afraid of losing him. He's anxious and doesn't like change (like me), so when the construction started he ended up losing several pounds and is now extremely skinny. According to bloodwork we had done he may have leukemia but we won't know for sure unless we do more extensive testing. We wouldn't put him through chemo or anything so there's no point in taking that route. Prior to this he was already taking two different medications for a thyroid issue, so he has a bit of a medical history. We plan on bringing him back in a couple weeks to figure out a plan, and possibly have it be a palliative care situation. I'm sure it's excruciatingly boring to listen to me ramble on about a cat, but he really is my world and my best friend. It was absolutely crush me when he leaves me forever, but I try not to think about it.. I love my other cat too, but he and I have a special connection. My other cat is completely healthy in case you were wondering - just a morbidly obese calico.

Graduate school is also on the horizons. I'm meeting my graduate cohort next week, which are the people you'll be going through the program with. Since it's a small pool of people it's easy to get to know everyone. A cohort is important to connect with because you can study and work on projects together since you're all in the same classes and/or area of study. I'm very nervous about meeting them because I want to make a good impression. It is via video chat and there will be various people who are presenting/speaking on what the program and first semester will entail, so I'm hoping I personally won't have to talk too much. Either way it's both exciting and extremely nerve-racking.

Hopefully I'll be able to write a little more from the heart next time but for now I figured I'd at least provide a little update. I didn't mean to abandon ship for a month, but life happens. I very much enjoy writing so I really should force myself to write a little bit more often.

Here are some songs, per usual. Most of them are upbeat songs, and some are from a playlist I listen to while I drive. I figured why not sprinkle in some personal favorites, ya know?

I'm Blue

Yoko Ono

Story of My Life

Honeybee

High

Sky Walker

She Knows

Arm and Hammer

I Know

Money Longer

Right By My Side

I Mean It

Backseat Freestyle

Bonfire

How to Hate

Hop and Smoop

I don't have much solitude or space to really write these days. Having constant construction being done is insane. I've spent many mornings sleeping on a recliner in my basement because I wanted just an extra hour and a half of sleep before work and that's the only place out of the way and quiet enough to do so. Needless to say, my back and neck are not doing well with sleeping on couches and chairs, but it's a means to an end.

Last weekend I saw Leo and it was very nice. He showed me around his new apartment and I think it's perfect for someone like him. We went to Walmart after I got there because he needed certain things for around the house. For once, my "female" nature shone through with helping him pick furniture and gather necessities. We got back to his place and I set up the garbage cans (where previously he had none) while he made us some food. We both drank a little while playing a sex trivia board game his mom had given him as a joke. While drinking and playing the game we also had on terrible hentai in the background to laugh at. I drank a little more than I had intended - about 3-4 shots worth. He wanted me to sleep over but I had work to do the next morning so I couldn't. We ended up watching a stupid movie to sober up and we actually made out for a couple minutes. It isn't something that I sought out, but also not something I fought. He drove me home only to realize that I had left my keys on his couch. Luckily, my brother was up and able to let me in at 2am. I still have yet to get my keys back but it isn't too much of a hurry.

By way of work I believe I'm excelling. I'm still in the training phase of things, but I think I'm doing better than my partner. I've established a good rapport with my supervisor and seem to be answering questions appropriately. Most of my days have consisted of 5-6hrs of conference calls with myself on mute while I scroll through social media or text my friends or make myself food. We'll see how it progresses but I'm trying to set the ground work to be an assertive go-getter, and I believe I'm achieving it. Office life is just a game, and you need to know how to play the game to win it. By being assertive you demonstrate that you're there to win and take what's yours. People respect that. I was just described earlier as being "a leader in [my] field". Once again, I'm the laziest overachiever you will ever meet. However, that seems to be working for me. I'm feeling a little mentally exhausted because I don't have a refuge at the end of my day where I can just relax and be alone. I don't mind sleeping on couches with my brother, and I'm actually enjoying hanging out every night since pre-quarantine I was never home. But having my own space again is much anticipated. I still have another couple weeks until I'll be moving back into a room of my own, but when I do move it'll be the best night's sleep of my life.

Here are some songs, per usual. I don't know if anyone caught on, but I've been leaving music in my posts for years now. I'd leave them in hyperlinks on certain words, usually relating to the song itself. Most of the time it was a song that described my mood or the topic of the post. I'm just curious if anyone actually realized I was doing that. Anyway, here is the promised musical relief.

Pursuit of Happiness

Those Eyes (Chapter 1)

Alone

IDK You Yet

Aspen Forest

The Night I Met You

Apparently

Myself

A Drop in the Ocean

Gone Again

Better Than Me

Another Day

Kickin' Pushin'

Worst Way

Start Again

Rebirth

I feel like I've been saying this a lot lately but things are changing. I'm currently in the process of packing everything I own into boxes. I'm finding things I haven't thought about in literal years. It's a reminder of how much has changed over the years, even since just the beginning of my undergraduate college career. It's been a major nostalgia trip since I started sifting through my things. It also has shown me just how much stuff I own. It's astonishing how many hoodies and tshirts I own, meanwhile I seem to always wear the same handful of things on rotation. Since it's been so hot lately I've been wearing shorts around the house and I forgot how long my hair is. It actually touches the back of my knees so it tickles sometimes when I'm walking around. In an attempt to break out of my normal "uniform" of a tshirt to go grocery shopping and I decided to try a crop top sweater I inherited from Josh's mom. It fit perfectly and I actually liked how it looked on me, so maybe I'll try to branch out more often when it comes to trying new clothing styles. I'm also finding a lot of dresses and skirts that I hardly ever wear. They're all cute and very flattering, but I'd just prefer to wear jeans or leggings to work. Before quarantine began I'd show up to my office in massively oversized hoodies and sweatpants and no one cared. I still count myself lucky being able to work for such a relaxed company. I'm actually starting my training on Monday with the new client and I'm looking forward to it. My new supervisor seems to have a stick up his ass which is extremely opposite of what my prior supervisor was like, but I guess I'll adjust eventually. The extra money will lessen that annoyance in time.

Circling back to my personal life for a moment, I'm excited to get out of the room I've been in for a decade and into something new. It'll take about a month for things to be done but once it's all pieced together it'll be amazing. I'll be moving to the upper floor into a finished attic. It has much more space, privacy, and storage for my various items and clothing. I've been dreaming about it for years since my mom suggested it and it's finally happening. It'll be a headache to be displaced for so long, but I think it'll be worth it. It feels like the start of something bigger and better. I'm moving into a new space, starting graduate school in a matter of months, and am well on my way to paying off my car in under 2yrs. I'm not completely satisfied with where I am in the big picture of life but it's a work in progress. I figured by now I'd already have a graduate degree and a serious relationship and possibly even a place of my own. But life happens and plans oftentimes don't actually happen at the pace we would like. While I'm not totally happy with where I am, I'm still optimistic about what's to come. I work my ass off at several different jobs just so I can have a better future for myself and hopefully do the things I've dreamed of since I was a kid. I want a graduate degree, a job I love, a serious partner to settle down with, and a promising future. I know everything comes in due time so I'm trying not to focus on what I don't have, and instead on what I do have.

On another note, things with Seth and I have been a little tense. We try to see each other once a week but he's extremely strict with keeping distance and always wearing a mask around each other. He refuses to loosen up with things and to some extent I get it. His parents are older and therefore more susceptible to getting the virus in a severe way. However, things seem to be on the decline and we're in the early "phases" of opening the city back up again. I want him to finally relax and at least allow me to hold his hand or just touch him. I haven't had actual contact with him going on 3 months, and it sucks. It goes beyond just attraction. I want to feel loved and see that sweet side of him who loves to cuddle and hold my hand and kiss my head. I would forgo the sexual aspect of things just to have a day where I could hug him again. I miss how he feels and smells and breathes. I miss crawling into his bed and taking a nap together or putting on our favorite show to watch together. I miss drinking peach Snapple in his bed after having sex. It's the stupid little things that really do mean the most, and I miss them all. I feel like he isn't willing to relax even the slightest bit because he's so paranoid. I keep telling him that there's a difference between caution and paranoia, but it does nothing but aggravate him which in turn aggravates me. Right now we haven't really spoken in a couple days. It's partially because I've been so busy packing and moving, but it's also because our conversations always seem to loop back around to us missing each other and me telling him he needs to relax with the restrictions. I wouldn't say we've fought about it, but there's been lingering tension that neither one of us knows how to solve. He thinks I'm foolish and I think he's paranoid. It's something that we've agreed to disagree on, but it's still causing problems. I don't know when I'll actually be able to be with him again in a normal setting. When I was over last weekend I saw his sister for the first time since quarantine and it was nice. Along with her came one of their dogs who is the sweetest and doofiest bulldog I've ever met, but she can still be rather intimidating when she wants to be. She immediately ran up to me because she was so excited to see me after so long. I still have yet to see the other two dogs they have, but at least seeing her for a while made me happy. I suppose over all it isn't an ideal situation, but really none of this is. Quarantine is driving people insane, and so are the recent world events. Sometimes it feels like the world around us is collapsing and on fire (literally), but it'll pass. It may pass like a kidney stone, but it'll pass.

Here's the oh-so-loved music section. We all need a bit of an escape right now so I'll throw in a few bonus songs on top of the bonus songs I've already been posting. Hopefully 15 songs is enough to keep your minds busy for a little while.

T.O. (I recommend the whole album but this is my personal favorite)

Cherry

Look for the Good

She Talks to Angels

If the World Was Ending

Drip Drop

Cologne

Caroline

Heartless

Broken Clocks

Anti-Depressant

Ragrets

Pills, Drugs, Alcohol

Never Be Like You

Stars (one of my favorite songs of all time)

Lycka

I've felt a lot like writing lately. Maybe it's because I'm feeling inspired, or because there's just a lot going on. A couple days age I went to a drive-by parade for Josh's law school graduation. He's been down about it for a while since the official ceremony has been cancelled given the current state of things. I took Leo with me and we had a good time on our little road trip. We arrived just early enough to decorate my car with balloons and write some things on the side. It was nice seeing familiar faces out there. His sister is pregnant again and it's the first time I've seen her since they found out. I also saw the little munchkins I refer to as my own nephews since that's how I truly feel about them. Even after Josh and I broke up they still call me their aunt. Soon I'll have a brand new baby nephew and I'm excited. After the parade we pulled over and I talked to Josh for a bit, hugged, then left with Leo. He and I stopped by a Sonic and bought copious amounts of unhealthy food and ice cream. We sat there just eating and talking and enjoying the time we had together. After we were done we hit the road and headed home. Over all it was a very nice time and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
The reality of being an adult is also starting to settle in. It just hit me the other day that I actually own a vehicle of my own. It's mine and no one else's. I pay the insurance, gas, maintenance, and loan payments. My last loan payment was $1.4k and I want to keep throwing money at it until I'm finished. My goal is to be completely done with it by the end of this year. It's going to require some hustling but I think I can do it if I work hard enough. Another event that makes me feel more "mature" is officially getting enrolled in graduate classes. I have my official schedule for the upcoming semester and couldn't be happier. I'm excited to be around like-minded people who are in school to better themselves and further their educations. My research coordinator at the lab forwarded me some of her slides and notes from the classes she took since we're both in the same program, but at different times. I also found out that my parents have been continuously putting money in my college fund, unbeknownst to me. That means that all of my MA will be covered, and some of my PhD as well. I feel extremely lucky as to not have debt right out of college. I know how fortunate I am and don't intend on wasting time like I did in undergrad. Everything feels like it's finally coming together. All the bumps in the road and hoops I had to jump through finally added up to something tangible. Now it's time to just focus on the road ahead of me and live my life to the fullest (once this quarantine mess is over).

I think I'm going to put more music this time. I have an overflow of songs on layaway so why not give a few bonus songs this time? All of the songs I leave in my posts are ones that I genuinely like or relate to, and I hope you feel the same way.

Tired

Banana Pancakes

Get You Right

Young Love

Always

Blueprint

Paradise

Cradles

Dear Maria, Count Me In

All Alright

True Neutral

I've been in a good mood lately. I'm thinking it's because of the social interactions I've had recently. I never thought a social distancing hang out would be fun or appealing. I see Seth once a week now if weather permits, which is always a nice time. It was a perfect day yesterday and we spent the day walking and talking and partially fooling around with a remote toy. I'll spare the details. I've also been putting in more effort to see Leo. He and I are seeing each other in a few days for a drive-by parade that I'm hoping will be fun. We'll probably be together for at least a few hours so I'm sure we'll have time to laugh and talk like we always do. Life is so different now, but I'm beginning to cope.

In other news, my work life has picked up. I've taken over the research lab's website and became an admin for our social medias. The website was the most difficult to get used to since it requires knowledge of computer coding. I spent a couple days poking around the site and got myself familiar enough with it where I could actually edit the code myself. I still don't know much, but at least I know the basics of web design and computer coding. I have no idea when/if those skills will ever be helpful, but learning a new skillset gives you an advantage over others, so why not? At my full time analytics job they tried to play me and take advantage of me. My company works with many clients and we each have our respective "projects". I personally have 2 clients which I share with 2 respective teams. I make a small amount over minimum wage, but barely. They tried to give me a new client who is notoriously one of the worst we have (we have 200+ clients) and not even tell me about it personally. So I demanded a meeting with the president of operations to ask him what his problem was. He said that everyone in the office fights over me because I'm good at my job and that's why they want me so badly with this client. They know I can learn quickly and adapt to any changes they might throw our way. While it was nice to hear him compliment me, I knew he was just trying to sweet talk me into not questioning it further. I told him I would take the new client if I got a decent raise. He said he didn't have the authority to do that, so I told him I wouldn't do it otherwise. I knew he was in a bad position because he either needed to retract from my name from the client (which reflects terribly on our company) or somehow get me a raise. Less than an hour later I was informed that I'm approved for a raise. The raise is significant enough where it'll give me $150+ per month, which I'm satisfied with. This is the second raise I've gotten in the last 4 months so clearly I'm doing something right. I try not to involve political things here, but I have to call out the "wage gap" for a second. I wanted more money so I worked for it. I didn't compare myself to anyone else and cried in the corner when I didn't stack up. I worked hard and I took what was rightfully mine. I had the balls to get a meeting with the president of operations for an international company, call him out for his unprofessionalism, and demand a raise. And guess what. It worked. There will always be exceptions to the rule, but if you as a female are making less than someone else doing the same job it's your responsibility to change it. If you don't have the confidence and perseverance to change your situation then that's a personal problem. I know what my time and energy is worth, and it certainly isn't minimum wage. I have 0 pity for the whiny females out there. Buck up or leave.

Some songs for the soul include the following. I'm still deciding on if I should group music by themes or just randomly sprinkle things around. I kind of like the music roulette game of just dropping 5 totally different songs. Will it be happy, angry, sad, hardcore, or country? Variety is the spice of life.

Me and Mr. Jones

Nervous

Cheeseburger in Paradise

Medicine

Think About Things

Red Hook

Last night I saw Leo again. We were intending to just drive around and hang out since we enjoyed it so much last weekend. It was my turn to drive so I finished work and picked him up. He had a conference call with some people so he was talking to them for the first hour and a half or so. It was funny listening to it, so I didn't mind. I was driving aimlessly listening to the conference call and talking to him when he had his mic muted. Eventually the call ended and we drove on aimlessly. We ended up by Seth's house completely by accident. As soon as I realized where we were I tried to avoid his house because it would feel odd driving by being so close to him, without him even knowing. But we talked and laughed and completely lost track of time. He and I are both pretty positive that we've gotten the virus already so that's why we're so lax with each other. I told him to put on some music so he was looking through my expansive library of music and putting on whatever he thought would be good/interesting. It was an eclectic mix of everything, but it somehow worked as good background music. At one point I turned the volume all the up and we were both belting out a song at the top of our lungs just living in the moment. Before we knew it it was midnight. We grabbed some pizza at a locally famous pizzeria and ate in my car. We talked about all sorts of things and enjoyed each other's company, as we always do. Eventually I dropped him off and headed home myself. I wasn't intending on being out so late, but time really does fly when you're having fun. It was a little past 1am when I finally got home and I was feeling the happiest I had felt in a while. It felt amazing to not have to be home at a certain time or under some other kind of constraints. I'd like it to be a more regular thing since it's so difficult to meet up when life is normal. We both have multiple jobs and work opposite schedules so finding time is nearly impossible. He really is one of my best friends and I miss him so much when we go such a long time without seeing each other. I hope that once things are normal again we can maybe continue these drives long into the night. He's protective and loves me, so I know he wouldn't put me in any compromising positions if we ended up somewhere sketchy or we got into an accident. He's one of the very few people I trust wholeheartedly. It was a nice night and a fun time with someone I hold dear. I just hope we can continue the tradition once this is all over.

Here are some of the songs that were played during our drive. Some of them we both screeched along to at the top of our lungs. Hopefully someone out there enjoys them as much as did.

One Day More

RICHMAN

Jack and Diane

Pull Me Deep

Shoots and Ladders