(Be) Positive

My life never seems to be dull for too long. I got tested for COVID a few days ago and it turns out I'm positive. I had had a sore throat for a couple days prior to the test and after learning that both my mom and brother had multiple points of contact with people who tested positive I thought it wise to get tested myself. My mom and I went together and a few days later (yesterday) I got the positive test result. Weirdly enough, my mom came back negative. I don't have any severe symptoms or a fever, only a sore throat, persistent headaches, and some pretty intense fatigue. I developed a bit of a cough today but I'm not sure if that's genuine or just psychosomatic. For now I have to quarantine for the next two weeks, which means I'll be missing just over a week of work. Luckily I'm salaried and am covered by the COVID Cares Act to get paid, but I dislike not working. I had plans with Mike that I had to cancel which was very annoying, but I refuse to be reckless. I suggested he get tested too since we were only together two days prior to me getting tested, so we'll see what happens with that. I'm unsure of where, how, or even when I got it so contact tracing has been difficult. I spent much of my day yesterday submitting paperwork and talking on the phone to HR and my doctor trying to iron things out by way of returning to work and getting a doctor's note. For now I'm trying to keep my distance from my family when possible and wearing a mask around the house. I found a cute Halloween themed disposable mask with ghosts and black cats on it, so I decided to use that as my house mask for the next few days until I switch to another one. I'm honestly too exhausted to write much more, let alone do the music section. I like attaching music and allowing anyone who happens to read these a chance to hear new things, but I'm just tired. I feel like I could sleep for the next week straight and still be tired. Anyway, just figured I'd keep this thing updated. I won't have much to do until my quarantine is over so I'll try to jump back on here soon - as long as I'm not too tired from doing nothing all day.

Daisy Dreaming

I keep meaning to write more, but things always seem to get overwhelming and busy. I finished out the semester with all nearly perfect A's, started my new job, left my old jobs, and things have started progressing with Mike.

The new job has been quite the experience thus far. It's a totally new environment with new people and a new duties I've never done before. Luckily, the people I work with are very nice and have been helping and encouraging me along the way. I work in a classroom at a special education school helping to implement behavioral/treatment plans on adolescent kids. I only have four in our classroom but it's been very challenging at times. There's a 1:1 ratio of staff to kids in that class, but sometimes the kids get violent or aggressive or oppositional in various ways. I enjoy not sitting behind a desk all day and being able to talk to the students and work with them, but it is exhausting. I'm up every morning at 6:45am, which is crazy to me since I'm not a morning person in the slightest. The teacher I'm working with is very nice and down to earth, and so is my supervisor helping me with my state licensure hours. I'm also not completely minding wearing a dress every day. I bought a few casual dresses and wear a sweater over it to keep warm, and then also wear a doctor's coat around the school. I'm always walking around with at least one dry erase marker, a pencil, some folded paper towels, and usually a timer. I feel very official in my get-up.

I also left my old jobs. Saying goodbye was difficult at my office job because I really did establish a few friendships there, but Vince and I vowed to stay in contact and talk like we usually do. We talk almost daily still and I refuse to let that friendship go. However, leaving the research labs was a great feeling. I no longer have to work on my Saturdays and feel like I have more breathing room. It was sad to leave somewhere I had been for 2 1/2 years, but it was time to move on.

Next up, Mike. It's been an interesting journey with him. We had a lot of passive flirting and small physical things that showed we were into each other, but it didn't actually come to a head until last week. We were over at his place and had just played some video games together. We decided to chill on his couch and watch some Kitchen Nightmares (Gordon Ramsay is one of our favorite people). I gradually moved closer to him and he put his arm around me and my feet were propped on his. Then we started to play fight over something dumb and he ended up pinning me on the couch. From there I decided to just take a leap of faith, so I grabbed him closer and kissed him. We ended up making out for a little while and eventually I was straddling him on the couch, but his mom pulled up outside so we stopped. We spoke about it after leaving his house for a coffee and I told him how I felt about him and that I had a crush. He said he's too busy for a formal relationship right now but wants to see what happens. We both have busy schedules, so he isn't wrong. But I feel like he's also just nervous about being in a serious relationship after going a long time without having one. We've both been effectively single for years, so starting a real relationship is a little intimidating. However, we decided to just let it be and see what happens. Ever since I confessed my feelings and we talked about our relationship, he's been much more responsive to texts during the day and we play video games together almost every night. We've had Discord calls that lasted until 4am because we didn't want to stop talking. Friday after I got off work he was free to hang out for a bit. He picked me up and we got coffee then headed to his mom's new house where he had to do some odds and ends things. I kept him company and helped where I could. He showed me around and the house looks great. It should only be a few finishing touches until she's able to move in fully, then Mike will have his place to himself. We decided to go quick furniture shopping after the pit stop at the house because he wants a new couch after his mom leaves. It felt like we were furniture shopping together like a couple. We sat/laid on/felt every couch on the gallery floor. Eventually we found one we both liked that met his requirements. We ended up sitting on the couch together talking a bit about life and general stuff, and I propped my leg on his. He put his hand over my thigh and it just felt so right. Eventually we left and he took the specs of the couch to make sure it would fit his living room. We got food, did a little exploring at Home Goods, then went to a vape store to poke around. Neither of us bought anything and we ended up talking in the car for a bit having a Star Trek vs. Star Wars debate. Eventually, he grabbed me and we started making out. There was some hair pulling and nibbling, and it was definitely getting heated. He pulled the car onto a quiet side street and we continued kissing. At one point, I tasted blood but figured one of us bit a little too hard and someone was just bleeding a bit. He was feeling my body and pulling my hair, and I knew we were about to hook up for real. I would prefer our first time be in a bed but sometimes things just happen. We pull away for a brief minute and I wipe my mouth because it feels very wet. I look down and my hand is covered in blood. Turns out, Mike got a nose bleed while we were making out and neither of us had a clue. We both died laughing and thought it was hilarious. By the time we cleaned ourselves/each other up (since both of our faces were covered in blood) the mood had passed and it was getting late so I had to head home. We talked and laughed about it all the way home. He said it was embarrassing, but I find it to be very funny timing. I kissed him goodbye before getting out of the car and we had a small make out session again. He was pulling my hair and we were getting into it again, but I knew my parents were still awake waiting for me to get home (it was around 11:30pm at this point), so I pulled away and told him I had to go before my parents killed the both of us. It sucked having to leave, but I hope to see him again soon. We're trying to aim for once a week for an in-person hang out and since this weekend is a long weekend maybe I'll see him Monday. All I know is that it's very heavy when we kiss. I'm looking forward to seeing him next. I want to kiss him more and see where it all goes. I know we're going to hook up, it's just a matter of when and where at this point. Once his mom moves out in the next few weeks I fully intend on going over at least once a week to hang out. Besides being physically attracted to him, I'm also very attracted to his personality. He's goofy, smart, dorky, and is a hustler like I am. He's always working and doing something, and that's a quality I love in a partner. I need someone motivated and willing to work. He's just an overall great person and I could definitely see myself dating him seriously if that opportunity were to arise. I didn't mean to ramble about him, but clearly I'm crushing pretty hard here.

Here is the oh-so-loved music drop. Hopefully your 2021 is going well. If not, listen to some music and chill for a bit. Take a little while to put on your headphones, block your life out, and listen to some good music. Believe me, it helps.

You & Me

Good Morning

Starting Over

Bang!

Harley Quinn

Purple Widow

Wave

Perfect Places

Hard to Love

Love in You

Have You

Daisy

Stick by My Side

Dreamy

Stay Fly

initium novum

Man oh man has it been a while. The semester's work picked up and I got a little overwhelmed. I still am. I have 2 finals and a final paper all happening in the next four days. It's a lot to handle, but I think it'll be alright. As always, a lot has managed to change since I've lasted written here. I suppose I should go in chronological order to keep it as streamlined as possible.

Firstly, Leo joined my family for Thanksgiving this year. His own family is very on edge with the COVID situation and wouldn't allow him in their house without taking a ridiculous number of "precautions". They required him to take a COVID test but didn't tell him they required it until only a couple days prior to Thanksgiving, so he wouldn't have gotten his results in time. He advised them that the rapid tests were extremely unreliable and he wouldn't waste time taking one, but they didn't seem to care. So instead of dealing with their nonsense my mom invited him to come with us to my aunt's house for our usual small gathering. We all drank and played video games and ate a ton of food. It was the most fun I had had in a while. Since he lives further away now out of state we don't see each other super often, so it's nice when our schedules finally match up. It also sounds like he'll be coming for Christmas Eve at my house as well. We all had fun last time during Thanksgiving so I'm anticipating the same. He and I have always gotten along well and have fun, so I'm looking forward to it. It'll be my first day off after work ends. I'll get to that now I suppose.

While everything was going on with school and work and my generally busy schedule, I had to look for what's called a fellowship site for my graduate degree. We each need to be practicing in our field while being supervised in order to gain "supervision hours". Once we complete 1,500 hours we qualify for state licensing for our degree so we can ultimately become board certified. This has been quite the task and many people in my cohort had problems finding sites that worked for them. After some issues with my paperwork on the school's end, I was able to land a few interviews. One of those interviews apparently went exceedingly well. I got an offer for a full time paid position. I won't get into much detail for privacy reasons, but I'll be working out of a school that functions as part of a typical academic year. That means I get summers off, and as a salaried employee I'll still get paid. The concept of having ~6 weeks paid time off from work is still sinking in with me. Plus we abide by the normal winter and spring breaks along with religious holidays. All together it seems like an amazing job. I'm salaried, accrue my required hours, have off during the summers, have fairly often 3-day weekends, don't have to commute too far, and have access to decent health benefits. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect job. Because of this new job, I decided to leave both of my research labs as well as my normal office job. I no longer need the labs for my resume (I already have 2 1/2 years of experience there) and I don't need the pay from my office job. People were very sad when I informed them I'd be leaving my jobs, but they were happy I was moving on to something bigger and better. I'll miss one coworker in particular named Vince. I'm not sure if I've mentioned him in the past. He and I have bonded over the last year of working together at my office job. We have a lot in common and talk constantly during the day. He's very much gay and is in a happy and healthy relationship, so it's purely platonic. But I will miss him a lot. We talk all day at work and it sucks we won't have that anymore. We still text almost daily when we aren't working together, but it'll still be an adjust for us both not talking for 7-8hrs a day consistently. We help keep each other sane. But he's very happy for me and urged me to leave as soon as possible. He wants me to go far and achieve all my goals, and I feel the same about him. The office job itself is just alright, but I've definitely met some good people there. So I guess that's the biggest news - I have a new job soon. I start in a few weeks just after New Year's so hopefully 2021 will be a fresh new start for me. 2020 hasn't been great by any means, but it wasn't the worst for me personally. It had it's ups and downs, but the ups have been very up - like finally starting graduate school, paying off my car, and now scoring a seemingly perfect job. We'll see what happens, but I'm looking forward to moving onwards and upwards to infinity and beyond.

I'm also turning 25 in a matter of weeks, so that's also a thing.

I'm gonna do something a little different this time with music. This is going to be a themed list. You may or may not already know this, but I am a huge anime fan. I've watched many many anime in my time, but unfortunately don't have much time for it anymore given my busy schedule. Below I'm going to link some of my favorite opening/ending songs from anime I've seen and highly recommend. Don't worry, they're not all in Japanese. They include German, English, Russian, and Latin as well. Some are more mainstream and popular, but others you may not know. This time pay attention to the videos that accompany the music. They're my favorites not just for the music value but also for the artistry behind it as a whole. I know it's different than what I've been doing, but I've recently been vibing a lot with them so I figured I would share a little and maybe spread some anime appreciation. I linked more than I normally do, but they're all pretty short so just sit back and enjoy.

Love Live!

Gunslinger Girl

Blood+

Fullmetal Alchemist

One Piece

Bleach

Naruto

Another

Samurai Champloo

Konosuba

Death Note

Eureka 7

Elfen Lied

Attack on Titan

Lucky Star

Code Geass

FLCL

Ghost in the Shell

Paranoia Agent

Yuri on Ice

Midnight Rambler

 Another month another blog post. I keep slacking off with these for some reason. I can't say I'm particularly busy, but I guess I just get distracted easily. Graduate school has been going well thus far. I've continued to "socialize" with my cohort through our group chat and other smaller video meetings. It's nice interacting with new people, even though socializing isn't necessarily something I enjoy doing very often. We've all decided that once this pandemic is over we're all going to meet in person and throw a party and let loose. We had our first exam last week and it was extremely stressful. Some of the questions were honestly nonsense and should not have been counted, but I ended with an 86%. It isn't the best score in the world, but it also could have been much worse. In one of my other classes I have ~99% overall average which is nice to see. In general, I think I'm doing pretty well considering I'm a full time graduate student while working 3-4 jobs. However, this specific degree path isn't what I'm ultimately interested in. I'm currently studying applied behavioral analysis, which deals mostly with children with intellectual disabilities. I'm doing the program because ultimately a Master's Degree is a Master's Degree, and it gets me closer to my end goal of a PhD. While I'm not super passionate about the things I'm studying, I am working towards a higher goal which is keeping me motivated.

In my personal world, a few things have happened. I'll start off with some oral surgery I had done last week. Normally I wouldn't be so dramatic as to call it surgery, but it was intense. I needed three wisdom teeth removed and I figured it would be a straightforward process. When I got my first wisdom tooth out it took me maybe a couple days to fully recover and I was back to normal. I wasn't anticipating what this round had in store for me. They discovered that both of my bottom wisdom teeth were sitting on nerves. One of my bottom wisdom teeth was growing horizontally so there was no question that one needed to be removed. However, the other was so deep that it would require a CT scan to pinpoint where the nerve begins, and there was a decent likelihood I could end up with permanent nerve damage. I decided to keep that one in and remove only the other two. Over the next few days I was on a steady intake of oxycodone and a couple other things to keep the swelling and potential infections at bay. The right side of my face was about twice the size of my left, and had a lot of bruising from them using hammers/chisels. I also had stitches not just in my gums, but up the inside of my cheek from it having been sideways. I'm almost exactly a week post-op and I'm improving, but man do I miss normal food. I still can't open my mouth too wide and I can feel the sutures still in my cheek (although they are starting to dissolve, thank God). I also have a decent amount of bruising left and some more minor swelling inside my mouth, but I'm getting better day by day.

In other personal news, a new player has entered the game. I tried finding mentions of him in past posts but I can't seem to locate him anywhere in here. I know I must have written about him, but I'll do a brief recap. His name is Mike, and we met at my college's Catholic Club. Neither of us are particularly religious, but we had a friend in common who happened to attend the club. He and I hit it off immediately and started to hang out constantly. We would hang out at his house and smoke way too much weed and listen to music and do nothing together. We'd sit there in silence with the music playing just drinking our coffees and eating hash browns (our classic snack of choice). We would most often discuss the album art of the song we were listening to. I have a particular memory of the cover from The Rolling Stones album Let It Bleed. After a few seemingly long months, we ended up drifting apart and I was sad about it, but messaged him maybe a year or so later while high on anesthesia from getting my first wisdom tooth taken out. We talked a little more and hung out a couple times, but he ghosted me again. A couple weeks ago he sent me a message and things have been moving forward ever since. He explained some personal things that were happening a couple years ago and why he disappeared on me. I'm hopeful, but still a little cautious that he'll pull the same routine again. However, we have the same banter and energy we used to have, and this time both of us are single (Seth is still in the picture, but he and I both consider ourselves single if we meet someone new). We met up a few days before my surgery and we ate fast food in his car and caught up and poked fun at each other like we always used to do. We agreed to hang out again soon and made tentative plans to see each other after my face healed up from the surgery. I'm not completely healed, but I could still stand to see him for a while. We talk every couple of days and it continues to be banter-y and mildly flirty, but we will see where it leads. As of right now it's been a couple days and I'm waiting for him to text me first. I normally don't play those childish games of not texting first, but given the fact that he's ghosted me a couple times now I want to make sure he isn't pulling the same thing all over again. As for right now, I have hope that we can continue our friendship and maybe pick up where we left off. We were both attracted to each other and even discussed dating seriously, but nothing ever came of it. I'll definitely keep all of my hardcore fans out there updated if it develops into anything worth while.

I think that's pretty much it for now. I'll drop some music below, and I promise to try a little harder to update more often. Although my life is far from being a thrill ride, I do still want to keep the blog as updated as possible. Sometimes I think to myself that I could very well use this a decade down line to look back at the memories and all the fun (and not so fun) experiences I've had over the years. Crazy how time flies. Anyway, put on those headphones and enjoy the music. Music is always better when you just focus and listen. Maybe you need to really hear one of these songs.

Oh, It Is Love

Love Me Not

i'm so tired

Walk Alone

What's Up?

At Least I'm Not As Sad

hold you

Angels Fall

I Hope

Talk to Me

Amen

coffee

Girl, Afraid

E-GIRLS ARE RUINING MY LIFE

GATTI

Tum Tum Troubles

I feel like I always say this, but things are pretty crazy right now. Graduate school definitely keeps me busy along with my various jobs. One major thing that happened was me finally paying off my car. After the damage was paid for and sorted out I made sure to transfer the rest of the money needed to pay the car completely off. It feels amazing to have a car that's 100% mine. Not a lot of 24 year olds can say that they completely own a new car. I've definitely been counting my blessing in that regard.

On a slightly different note, I've been sick for the last month or so. I started feeling extremely nauseous and under the weather but figured it was just a cold. It took me almost a week to get through it, but then I ended up getting the same kind of sickness less than 2 weeks later. I just had a doctor's appointment earlier today and he believes that the lining of my stomach is inflamed and gave me some pills to take over the next month to quell the acidity as to prevent any ulcers from forming. He took a ton of blood and is also testing for various other things like my gallbladder, pancreas, and kidneys. It'll be a few days until we get the results but I'm hoping the pills will treat the inflammation and I won't have another flare up. I fell behind on school work the first time I got sick so I can't afford that right now.

It's almost midterm week for my classes and I'm definitely feeling the pressure. I've been doing perfectly by way of assignments and quizzes, but having a full test is a completely different beast to tackle. Some of the material is incredibly confusing and dense, while other material is common sense. It's difficult to mediate the two and feel confident in my knowledge. My anxiety is definitely acting up and I'm extra glad that I have both a xanax prescription and some (medical) marijuana. I smoke every night just to cool off after my busy days. Today was technically a day off for me, but I was still running around to my doctor's appointment followed by two back to back lab meetings then driving to the pharmacy to get my prescription, then completing and submitted an assignment a week early so I can enjoy my weekend. I really want to have a weekend where I don't have to worry about deadlines and due dates and bullshit. I'll still be studying and putting some work in, but I need some time to just stop and breathe. A possible cause of my stomach issues could be stress. Way back in December when I had a full CBC done they found that my stress levels were potentially causing internal physiological problems. I've always worked myself to the limit and beyond, and it sucks because my body can't keep up with what I need it to do. I try to get at least 8 hours of sleep every night to offset the stress but it still gets to me. Seth and Josh both worry about me working too much, but I enjoy it. Keeping busy allows me to distract myself from the depression I tend to get. I'm on an antidepressant but pills don't always hold the golden ticket to happiness. Tonight is one of those nights where I need to smoke, relax, and let me mind slip away to another place without anxiety or stress. I've been meaning to get back into yoga, so maybe I'll try some poses and get nice and zen, then sleep for 9 hours.

These aren't necessarily songs I find relaxing, but more so just fun and enjoyable. I may or may not have danced around in the kitchen to some of these gliding in my socks. As always, I'm hoping to introduce you to new music, whether it's a new artist or just a new song you've never heard before. Put on your headphones and enjoy.

Good Day

Love Me Like That

Au Revoir

Validation

Save You

Acquired Taste

Put Your Hands on My Body

Bitter

virgo

Paris

feel something

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

Harley Shirt

Wild Woman

Roses

Odla

 It's been exactly a month since my last post, and a lot has happened. Emotionally I'm feeling better. I opted to keep his ashes and requested a clay paw print. It took about a week and half for him to be ready, and I was completely fine driving there. The day had been spent with Seth, then running various errands on the way home. When the vet tech handed me the purple bag with his things inside through my car window and I politely said thank you and she went back inside the building. I took a look at the bag and started to cry. I thought I was emotionally ok, but I guess I had some sorrows repressed down to keep myself afloat. I sat in the car and talked to him for a few minutes and had a little crying session. Then I told myself to buck up and continue my errands. For now I have him in a small box wrapped in purple paper, and his clay paw print still in the bag. I don't have my own room quite yet, so I haven't figured out a display for it or if I even want to keep it out in the open. I'm still emotional as I write this, but everything heals in due time.

As for another aspect of my life, I started graduate school. It's been intimidating, scary, and confusing at times. However, pretty much my entire cohort has a group chat where we discuss classes and professors and assignments. We help each other out and give support and encouragement when needed. Overall, I'm happy. I wouldn't say there's been a copious amount of work, but it's enough to keep me busy at times. I reduced my hours to part time and it feels strange having days off. I technically have three days off per week and it's unusual. I'm accustomed to having maybe one day a week, if any. I've gone over a month without a single day off because of how much I work. For most people having days off would be relaxing and pleasant, but for me I feel like I'm not doing enough or working to my full potential. I guess maybe you'd say I'm a workaholic, but I enjoy keeping busy. Luckily, I have the ability to keep myself busy with school work now. Being able to sleep in has felt amazing and I genuinely do enjoy that aspect. I tend to do most of my work at night so it feels nice not having to give myself a bed time so I could start work early the next morning. I'm still getting used to doing homework and having deadlines, but thus far I have all perfect scores except one 90%. I think I'm doing well, but it's only been a few weeks. I had to purchase a giant dry erase calendar just to keep track of all my assignments and quizzes and paper deadlines. Grad school isn't easy, but it also isn't as difficult as I first thought.

Another major event that happened concerned my car. I went to leave my house last weekend only to find that my entire driver's side had been badly damaged from someone side swiping it. I ended up not using my insurance to keep a clean record and had to pay $2k out of pocket. Luckily I have money to fall back on that's tied up in investments and the stock market. The last couple months have treated me well, so I felt comfortable taking some of the money. The silver lining to paying for the damage was that I decided while I was moving money around I may as well take out enough to pay the entire car off. I'm extremely fortunate to have the means to pay off a car at my age, but that isn't to say I didn't work for it. I was able to pay off most of my car loan through just my paychecks from my full time office job. However, with me cutting down to part time hours and still having to pay insurance every month was getting too expensive for me to handle on a part time paycheck. The money is officially in the process of transferring as I write this, and this time next week the title of the car will be solely in my name. The car will no longer be half mine and half the bank's. Now that it is (almost) paid off, I plan on starting to save my money and contributing more to my IRA. I know it might sound silly to be contributing to a retirement fund while still in my early 20's, but I guess this is how you become an adult. As a side note, I've also started to sprout several grey hairs that just seem to be multiplying. Weirdly enough, I don't care. I think it's actually kind of cool to be honest. So yeah, that's my life right now. Slowly but surely becoming an "adult". Some days are better than others, but 2020 has been quite the trip.

Here are some songs to hopefully get your minds off things. Just keep in mind that when things feel like they can't get worse, they always can. Count your blessings and stay grateful for every thing and every one you love. Always remember - "Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success."

you broke me first

Dissolve

Don't Forget About Me

Small Worlds

I don't care you

Lonely

Uncomfortable

Reckless

Rain & Fire

Feeling Good

Sunset on Venus

Let Me Cry

Daydream

Quarantine

Your look (Glorious)

F2020

This is a difficult feeling to confront, but I want to at least get some of it out of my head and my heart. Anyone that knows me knows that I love cats. I have two of them, Stoney and Muffin. We had to put Stoney to sleep on Saturday and I'm emotionally wrecked. I had spent almost a week with Seth and was sad to leave his house. I ended up crying in his arms because I was so sad to leave. But then I got home and was told that Stoney wasn't doing well health wise and that the vet recommended he be put down. We all agreed that it was time. He was about 14 years old and lived a good life. We found a mass in his abdomen a couple years ago but he's been receiving medications twice a day that my mom and I would administer. All things considered he did extremely well and responded to the meds for a long time. But sometimes enough is enough. Pretty much as soon as I left the house he stopped eating and drinking. He started vomiting and pooping all over the place, which was extremely out of character. He was always the typical neat cat that constantly groomed him and took pride in his appearance. He had the softest tummy fur I've ever felt. So we knew that something was wrong. My parents didn't tell me when I was away because they wanted me to enjoy my time and have fun. I appreciate it a lot but I also hate it. I wanted to be there for his last days but I wasn't. I keep telling myself that it's for the best and he wouldn't want me seeing him like that. I came home on a Friday only to find out we had appointment not even 24 hours later to put him down. I spent as much time as I could with him. I brought him upstairs so we could sleep together one last time. He slept on the corner of the bed and I kept looking at him hoping that tomorrow he would be normal again and we could call it off. Of course that was completely unrealistic, but it was a fleeting sense of hope. I spent his last day working right next to him. It was inconvenient and not the most comfortable, but I wanted him to know I was there and that I loved him. I cried a bit during the day but sucked it up. Eventually we went to the vet and it happened. I held him in a fluffy blue blanket and snuggled him close so he knew I was with him. I made sure to gently stroke his head until he went. It's extremely hard putting him down because he's been like an emotional support animal for me for over a decade. He's been my best friend for a very long time. When we came home I took the small blanket my mom had knit for him and threw it in the trash. Not 5 minutes later I took it out and put it up in my room. It still has his fur all over it and smells like him. I keep it next to me in bed because it's comforting in a way. I'm not ready to let go of him yet. I still have my other cat, but I think she's figured out by now that he's no longer in the house. It breaks my heart. I haven't had a truly intense crying session yet because I know I'm repressing things. I don't want to face the reality of him never coming back. I'll never wake up in the night to him sleeping on my head or hear his grumbly meows when he was hungry. I'm starting to fall into a depression and I can feel it. I'm having a hard time eating and drinking, and showering is also difficult. I find myself staring off into nowhere completely unaware of what I was even thinking about. I want to move on as painlessly as possible but it's so difficult. I don't want to forget him, but I also don't want to harbor sadness for the rest of my life. This whole depression thing may sound blown out of proportion or overly dramatic, but anyone who's had to put a pet down will understand. It's traumatic, and it's something I'm working through. I'm seeing my psychiatrist on Saturday to hopefully get a little help with things. In the mean time I'll only drop one song because it embodies exactly how I feel right now.

F2020