The Exorcyst

It's been a while since I updated, and that's my bad. It's been a chaotic few weeks. I had some things going on at home that I'd honestly rather not get into on the internet. I'll share pretty much everything on here, but my personal home life can be a tricky thing to explain and navigate.
In medical news, I had a few different tests done by a neurologist I'm now seeing. I got a transcranial dopler, an EEG, and an MRI done. The results all came back normal, but he's going to bring me back for additional testing since the headaches haven't subsided at all. He's prescribed me a few different pills to take to hopefully easy the headaches and my neurological symptoms in general. However, during the MRI he did find a small cyst on a gland deep inside my brain. It's benign and isn't causing any real issues so it can stay in there for now. He explained that the cyst may be the reason why I have such trouble sleeping. Where it's located in my brain helps to regulate both serotonin and melatonin, so sometimes people can experience a disruption in their circadian rhythm. It would make sense since I've always had issues with sleep. He's prescribing me something to both help with the headaches and hopefully assist with my sleeping habits. I normally take Ambien to help me sleep at night but I'm going to see how this new stuff works.
By way of my personal life there really isn't much to report. Nothing new has happened and I haven't really done much in a social sense. I've finished all of the Star Wars movies (excluding the sequels because they're apparently not worth my time) along with most of Mandalorian. I only have one episode left and I'm saving it for when I have the time to truly savor it. I moved on to Tron last night and it was honestly one of the worst movies I've ever seen. Mike insists Tron: Legacy makes suffering through the first one worth it, so we'll see.
As for work, it's been crazy. I work with Burger every day and I know his habits and behaviors and patterns. Yesterday I could tell he wasn't right and towards the end of the day he went completely catatonic on me while we were working. None of his files mentioned anything out of the ordinary by way of medical situations, so I figured maybe he was just extra tired or sick or maybe even a medication change we weren't aware of. Administration asked us the day before if he seemed tired and he didn't seem too bad until yesterday. We figured maybe it was a medication change, which isn't unusual in special needs kids. However, we later found out that what I saw was him having a seizure. No where in his paperwork did they mention his history of seizures. If I would have known he had had seizures in the past I would have automatically known he was having a petit mal seizure and called for help. But because they kept information from us we had no idea. It's extremely frustrating knowing that I witnessed a serious medical episode and had no clue. I know it isn't logical, but I somewhat blame myself for pushing him so hard previously in the day. I don't baby him and make sure I push him to put in the work at school. I feel bad for pushing him how I did because the stress or aggravation from that could have helped to trigger a seizure. He's in class today which I totally disagree with. He should have been taken to a doctor or hospital to make sure he was alright. I feel like people shrug him off because he's nonverbal and figuring things out can be difficult if you don't really know him. All I can do is love and care for him while he's with me at school. I met with my supervisor and the teacher in my classroom about the incident and I made it clear that the nurse didn't do her job when evaluating him. Training is going to be put into place regarding how to deal with his seizures if another one were to occur. I don't want to rant, but it truly does bother me to think that the medical professional on site basically shrugged me off because he didn't have a fever and looked alright afterwards besides being tired. I took him to the nurse after it happened and she didn't seem to take it seriously. I told my supervisor that it may be because he's nonverbal and she didn't want to take the time to really work with him to figure out the issue. He's my kid and I work with him every single day. At this point I've worked 1:1 with him for hundreds of hours. I know how he acts and behaves. If I tell you he isn't right, he isn't right. I genuinely love that boy and it infuriates me to think that he could have gotten hurt or had serious issues afterwards that the group home and his own parents could have prevented or at very least helped. It was the group home that administered incorrect medication TWICE that led to the seizure. It aggravates me that he wasn't kept home to be monitored by medical staff after being given incorrect medication. The more I think about it the angrier I get, so I'm just going to cut it there.
Another work event was that of a mass shooting in the general area. A few days ago we had to go into lockdown protocol after a mass shooting happened and they suspected the shooter was headed our way. Trying to handle four special ed kids in one small corner for two hours was interesting to say the least. Eventually the lockdown was lifted when the shooter was caught, but it was wild going into actual lockdown protocol that wasn't a drill. We've done drills before and it's pretty mundane, but having an actual situation happen was a bit crazy. One of my worst nightmares is that school being shot up or something. It's a Jewish school and antisemitism is still alive and well, and special ed kids are easy targets. Luckily the school is pretty hard to get into from the outside if you don't have a keycard since there are multiple checkpoints, but where there's a will there's a way. Every morning and every evening all the staff and students are gathered outside loading onto buses going home for the day. I'd be lying if I said I never considered an active shooter situation. I feel like I'm starting to rant so I'll pull the plug on it.

Fun Fact of the Day - I can get obsessive with music and listen to the same band/song for weeks straight. Right now I'm going through a Mastodon and Korn phase with a sprinkling of Rage Against the Machine.

Here's a mix of songs I've scribbled down to share with you guys. Per usual, it's a pretty random and weird mix. Listen as you see fit and hopefully they provide you a bit of happiness. Maybe someone will even find their new favorite song. Either way, enjoy y'all.

seven

Dos Locos

Face My Fears

Power and Control

Through the Clouds

Dirtbag Baby

Why Would I Stop?

Darkside

Colors

Put That Away and Talk to Me

Shine

Coming in Hot

Say It

Cover Me in Sunshine

The One

The Constellation

Just a minor health update I suppose. I'm sure all of you are just dying to know what's wrong with me. Unfortunately, the answer isn't so clear cut. We know I have Post-COVID Syndrome, but we have no idea when it'll end or if/how it'll even progress. It's frustrating because there's nothing to be done except grin and bear it until it's over. I've been referred to a neurologist which I was luckily able to book an appointment with for Monday. Hopefully I'll be able to get a bit more of answer. My regular doctor said that the neurologist would most likely order an MRI and go from there, so we'll see what happens. As of now, my blood work came back all good and the protein in my blood has normalized. I came back negative for lupus or any other autoimmune problems, so by the book I'm pretty healthy. It's just the neurological aspect of things that's not going well for me.

I saw Mike earlier today and it was very nice. I went over to his place in the morning, he made us both tea, then we crawled into his bed and snuggled for a bit. We ended up getting frisky and of course things happened. I'll spare the details, but our first real time together was very enjoyable. He did things I didn't know I would like, and it was overall a good experience. We ended up doing it twice then snuggling up for a bit longer. He was turned away from me at one point and I was running my nails down his back. He has birth marks on his back that resemble a constellation. I told him I'd love to connect them one day and see what it makes. Anyway, he set an alarm because he had someplace to be later and wanted to make sure he didn't lose track of time. We ended up falling asleep together and it was very wholesome. He pulled me close and held me there for a while. Eventually we separated to our own sides of the bed but were still touching. I like physical contact and it feels nice to sleep closely with your partner. I heard his alarm go off a couple times but he turned it off and we kept sleeping. I didn't check the time and assumed he'd start moving around when it was time to get up. We ended up over sleeping for an hour and a half only to wake up to a call from his mother saying she was outside. She knew he was having someone over and I believe suspected it was a girl, as I had run into her the last time I was over. Luckily she called ahead instead of walking in on the two of us passed out naked in his room. Apparently she's moving at hyper speed all of a sudden to move out and she should be gone in a matter of weeks from what he's said. I'm excited for her to be gone because then I could be over more often and not be limited by way of time or days I can and can't come over. He's already said he wants me to stay a night when she leaves and I'm very much looking forward to it. Besides the obvious hooking up it'll be nice to just chill and watch a movie and play video games and hang out. I can feel myself falling for him and I don't know whether that's a good thing or not. I'm not sure if he wants a serious thing but that's something I want to discuss with him once his mom is moved out for real. His job is more stabilized, he has a consistent schedule, and once his mom leaves it'll give him the freedom that I think he's missing right now. I want to voice my desires and interest in a real relationship, but I'm also afraid he won't feel the same way and it'll put a strain on what we currently have. However, I also know that I have to speak my mind and be direct with what I'm looking for. I'm not a teenager anymore and I can't allow myself to not speak up and say what I want to say. It'll be difficult and kinda scary, but I know the conversation has to happen. I'm hoping he wants what I want. We text every day and have semi-regular Discord calls/video game dates. I feel as though if this was just a friends-with-benefits thing he wouldn't be so insistent with Discord and wanting to have that time together during the week when we can't physically see each other. We're both busy people so sometimes we can go a couple weeks without seeing each other, but we try to have a least a few hours a week where we grab coffee and just talk for a bit. I'm hoping this Friday I can meet him in the city for a bit of a date night again since it sounds like he'll be getting out of work early, but we'll see. Overall, my love life is doing relatively well all things considered. He makes me happy and hopefully it'll continue in the direction I'm hoping it will.

Music drop time. Once again, I hope you guys are able to just sit back and enjoy the music. Music always helps me unwind and relax a bit, or sometimes motivate me in the morning to face my day with a positive attitude. Whatever you use music for, I hope these songs help you. I always post songs I personally enjoy so I'm always hoping someone else will enjoy them too.

Movement

Thinking of You

Virginia Moon

Clouds

A Little Lime

Squad Goals

I Am The One

My Own Worst Enemy

Money Now

Angels & Demons

Fools

Black & White

Down

Go Fuck Yourself

Do or Die

Glo

I suppose I should provide a bit of a life update. Nothing too major, but still important nonetheless. I got my blood results back from my doctor visit and it turns out my immune system isn't in great shape. A certain protein in my blood is 3x the levels it should be, which indicates that my body isn't working quite right. I still have the head cold I previously mentioned after ~3 weeks. I'm still coughing and my sinuses are all kinds of messed up. Normally, a cold should last maybe a few days and that's it. For me it's never ending. My headaches were starting to get better and less frequent up until a couple days ago. I had to drive a little over two hours round trip on Friday and normally I'd love it. I've always loved driving and being on the road. I like putting on some good music, turning it up, and zoning out. It's relaxing. However, I had a very bad headache that made me feel borderline nauseous. The drive was awful and it made me sad that I couldn't enjoy something I normally love doing. I also had a very odd instance of feeling very disoriented and dizzy out of seemingly no where. I was lucky that I wasn't driving or at work when it happened, but it's concerning. I have a follow-up appointment on Monday to possibly have more testing done. I'm not sure what else could possibly be done at this point, but I feel nervous driving now since I had the episode of being disoriented. I don't want that to happen while I'm on the highway doing 80mph. I'll update on any medical news once I have a better idea as to what's going on and how/if we can fix it.

On another (better) note, my parents finally met Mike. It was a brief conversation but it was enough for them to initially judge him. I asked them after I returned home what they thought and the reviews seemed positive. My mom said he seemed like a nice guy and my dad agreed. However, when I expressed my relief of them liking him my dad chimed in with, "I didn't say I liked him. I said he seemed nice". So, we'll see what happens from here I suppose.

Life in general has just been overwhelming recently. Working full time, doing graduate school full time, and maintaining some semblance of a social life isn't easy. My mom has asked a few times if I was ok and I just didn't know how to respond. I'm a ball of anxiety sometimes and stress doesn't help that. Some days feel easy, but others are like never ending torture. I'm counting down the days until summer. No work, no school, no real obligations. I can just relax, maybe see a few friends, catch up on some shows/movies I've been meaning to watch, and just enjoying BE-ing. As a side note, I've been watching Star Wars for the past week and a half and only have one movie left till I'm done. I've always been more of a Trekkie, but Star Wars isn't half bad. I guess I never gave it a fair chance. After I'm done with the movies I'll be moving on to Mandalorian, then the Tron movies, then every single Marvel movie. I'm basically going on a massive geek binge but why not? I like trying new things, and maybe I'll find something new that I really do love.

Just a fun extra once in a while, I'll provide a random fun fact about myself. You guys know me pretty well on a deeper level, but the fun innocuous stuff isn't really touched on much in these posts. This won't be an every-post thing, but if I happened to think of a fun fact to share I'll put it in here.

Fun Fact of the Day - I wear a bow in my hair every day to work. I'm not usually girly, but I feel cute in a bow. I always match my bow to my dress, which also matches my sweater and my mask.

Here's the always anticipated music dump. These songs are all directly from my "Uppity" driving playlist. It's songs that get me happy and singing along and hyped up. If you find yourself driving for a bit just put on these songs. Make a playlist, drive, and enjoy.

RICHMAN

Hymn for the Weekend

Get It Right

I Can't Stop

MIDDLE CHILD

Mind

Everyday

Bad Girls

Moving On

Say Amen

Kings and Queens

Habits

No One

Love Me Less

Take Ü There

COVID: The Remix

I've been writing a lot the last week, but I guess I owe some make-up posts since I tend to disappear sometimes. There's been a interesting update by way of my health, which is always fun. On Wednesday I started having chest pain and it freaked me out a little because I've heard COVID can potentially leave permanent damage to your heart/lungs, even if you had very mild symptoms. I visited my doctor the next day and he did a few tests and a full exam. I was cleared in a cardiopulmonary sense, but he explained to me what was most likely going on. Apparently some people who have had COVID develop weird neurological aftereffects in the months following their diagnosis. Nobody really knows why, but it's a thing. I've been having way more headaches with varying intensities and I also seem to have a newly acquired sensitivity to flashing lights sometimes. He explained that the pain I was feeling was just my neurons misfiring and sending signals of pain when there really isn't any. All of these things grouped together lead him to believe that I was one of the lucky people whose brains got fucked up a little by COVID. He isn't sure how long these aftereffects will last since COVID has been vastly unresearched longitudinally, but it should only be temporary. He also took blood and I'm waiting to hear back about the results of my antibody test as well as a test of my immune system. Sometimes COVID can also lead to immune system suppression and he wants to make sure that it's ok. I've had a head cold now for about a week, which is normally something that would take maybe a few days to get over. I can't help but think my immune system got fucked up and that's why I've had this cold forever. Either way, thank you COVID for making my life that much more difficult.

In happier news, I met up with Mike in the city yesterday for a bit of a date. He started a new job this week and we haven't had much time to talk about it or catch up since he's been busy training. We met up and walked around for at least an hour just talking and taking in the city. I hadn't been in the city since the pandemic started so it was crazy to see all the empty businesses and people wearing masks. I missed the city. I missed the traffic and the people and the crackheads talking to themselves and the smell of the hot dog carts as you walk by. We eventually found someplace to eat and settled down inside. It was nice to take our masks off and finally see each other's faces. We caught up about his new job and my developing medical situation. We talked and laughed and teased each other per usual. We split a giant cookie and headed back downtown to catch the train home. We got donuts from Krispy Kreme and hopped on the train. He put his arm around me and we both dozed off together for a brief bit until our stop. We walked to his car, listened to some music, then got a little frisky. We got coffee after and talked for a while longer. We ended up being together for about 7 hours and it was the most fun I've had in a while. We were able to just walk around and talk and hold hands and be sweet with one another. He really does make me happy, and we briefly talked about the topic of dating again. Once things settle down a bit more and his mom moves out for good I think I really want to pursue this. He'll be meeting my parents soon and that's really the ultimate test. They don't like many people, so we'll see what they think of him.

I'll drop some quick music here. The first song is one that Mike and I were jamming along to in the car together. Air guitars, head banging, and madly singing along. All of these are going to be themed as some older (rock-ish?) songs I love singing along to, so enjoy.

Cult of Personality

Jackie Wilson Said

The Core

Black

Two Tickets to Paradise

Love, Reign O'er Me

Shine

Stuck in the Middle with You

Pour Some Sugar on Me

Sunshine of Your Love

Amos Moses

The Metal

Cliffs of Dover

American Pie

Bulls on Parade

SMILE

I just feel like doing a mini post quickly. This week has really been a good week for me personally. I've had some health issues I'm getting checked out tomorrow, but everything else has been pretty good. I actually feel happy to go to work. For whatever reason something just clicked inside me regarding my job. I genuinely care for the kids I work with. The classroom works as a 1:1 setting working individually with the kids to teach them both academic and practical skills. My classroom is the lowest functioning group of kids who function at around pre-k/kindergarten level despite all being teenagers. While they may not be able to appropriately communicate or talk to us, they still have a ton of personality and are absolute sweethearts. We're each "paired" with a child, which means we consistently work with them on a daily basis. This helps us to really get to know the child and their behaviors and patterns. I've worked with all 4 kids in my classroom, but I ultimately ended up with the lowest functioning kid. I suppose we'll call him Burger, which is a name we use for him around the classroom. He makes me smile every day and I absolutely love him with all my heart. He's hit me and gotten aggressive, but I know it's only because he can't express himself and he gets frustrated. I could gush about him for a long time but I'll spare you for now. My coworkers are also amazing. There are 4 of us total in the classroom - one head teacher and three paraprofessionals who help implement treatment/behavioral plans and assist with individual teaching. The teacher is very sweet and the other para's are just as nice. Just yesterday my face hurt from laughing so much. We all help each other out and vent about work and look out for each other. One of them made us some homemade food and brought in a small hotplate to heat it up in since we don't have a microwave. We might be a chaotic classroom with some wild kids, but it's a classroom of love and support. Burger and I were alone alone in the classroom for a little while today while I was doing some classroom prep and he was on an iPad watching YouTube videos and a song came on. I started singing along and he got up and jumped around so we had a little dance party while I sang along. It's those moments that make me truly happy. I didn't ever see myself getting into the field of special education, but I'm glad I ended up here. Even if I don't end up making it a career, the memories I'm making are ones I'll cherish forever.

Here's Burger and I's dance party song. It's a pretty catchy tune and I've caught myself a few times humming along to it in my head. Hopefully it makes someone else smile.

Smile

It's Alive!

Hey world. It's been a while. I'm alive, relatively healthy, and officially survived COVID. I would have posted sooner but it honestly took quite the toll on me, which I was not anticipating. Luckily I didn't develop any "severe" symptoms, but I was decently sick for a good bit. I decided to buy a pulse oximeter to monitor my oxygen levels, which I checked pretty frequently. For a couple days my oxygen levels were on the low side, but I never developed any respiratory problems. My main symptoms were headaches, a very sore throat, and crazy fatigue. I felt like I could sleep for days and still need a nap. Eventually when I started feeling better my mom told me she could tell I was sick because I looked "bad", but she didn't want to tell me at the time as to not upset me. While the time off from work was nice, I still missed it. I actually wrote this a while back but never got around to publishing it, so my bad. I'm breaking it down into two parts - the original post and a little extra update at the end.

2/11

I returned to work this week and it was certainly an experience. We've been short staffed due to other people being quarantined, and staff in other classrooms refused to help us because of my previous COVID diagnosis. Despite my abiding by the CDC guidelines and being medically cleared to return to work, it feels like our classroom is being treated like a leper colony. We ran out of gloves for us and cups for the kids, and no one gave us any help. I had to purchase more cups and plates with my own money and one of my coworkers had to bring in gloves from home because the school still hasn't provided us with what we need. I'm starting to see just how shady some of these schools are.

I've also started my second semester of graduate school. So far I'm doing alright, but I'm still learning how to organize my time appropriately. Balancing full time work along with full time graduate school is going to be a lot, but I know I can do it. I'm looking forward most to the summer months. Since I have time off it'll give me a much needed break after working incessantly. I want to use that time to travel and go somewhere, but it obviously depends on the state of things.

3/1

I feel bad about not publishing sooner, but the first week back at work was exhausting since I was still recovering. As I said, I didn't have any severe symptoms which was good, but I was definitely sick. Seeing the kids again made me happy. They drive us crazy some days, but overall they're good kids and I've become pretty attached to them. We're now indefinitely short staffed because 2 of the people in our classroom ended up quitting, so that's been fun. I've been feeling a little under the weather the last couple days and one of the kids had to go to the isolation unit earlier today because he was showing COVID symptoms. For now we're waiting until his test comes back, but it would be just my luck to get COVID twice in a month's time.

By way of school, it's going pretty well. It's a little overwhelming sometimes because working full time takes a lot of time and energy, but I'm handling it for now. I think I can keep balancing it for a while. I just have to keep my brain focused on the summer ahead. Then I'll have all the time in the world to play GTA in my underwear while smoking some totally-legal-substance.

With Mike things have escalated. We're enjoying our time together per usual, but we finally got some time alone at his place. His bedroom moved and he was showing me his new setup since the last time I was in his room a couple years ago. Of course we ended up in his bed and I'll leave the rest to your imagination. I feel so giddy when I'm with him. He annoys me sometimes but I can't help but like him anyway. He was a hot nerdy side to him that I melt for. He also gave me access to his Disney+ account so that has to mean something...right?

Music time! I know I've been skimpy with the music so I'll post a bit more this time. As always, just sit back and listen. Take some time to just listen to the music and tune out your life for a bit. Music really is a portal to the soul.

Familiarity

Hung Up on You

the author

Uncomfortable

Sleep on Me

Slow and Low

Strangers

Venetia

100 Bad Days

Cherry

Stuck on You

Dark Blue

Hard to Love

The Medicine

Sleepyhead

(Be) Positive

My life never seems to be dull for too long. I got tested for COVID a few days ago and it turns out I'm positive. I had had a sore throat for a couple days prior to the test and after learning that both my mom and brother had multiple points of contact with people who tested positive I thought it wise to get tested myself. My mom and I went together and a few days later (yesterday) I got the positive test result. Weirdly enough, my mom came back negative. I don't have any severe symptoms or a fever, only a sore throat, persistent headaches, and some pretty intense fatigue. I developed a bit of a cough today but I'm not sure if that's genuine or just psychosomatic. For now I have to quarantine for the next two weeks, which means I'll be missing just over a week of work. Luckily I'm salaried and am covered by the COVID Cares Act to get paid, but I dislike not working. I had plans with Mike that I had to cancel which was very annoying, but I refuse to be reckless. I suggested he get tested too since we were only together two days prior to me getting tested, so we'll see what happens with that. I'm unsure of where, how, or even when I got it so contact tracing has been difficult. I spent much of my day yesterday submitting paperwork and talking on the phone to HR and my doctor trying to iron things out by way of returning to work and getting a doctor's note. For now I'm trying to keep my distance from my family when possible and wearing a mask around the house. I found a cute Halloween themed disposable mask with ghosts and black cats on it, so I decided to use that as my house mask for the next few days until I switch to another one. I'm honestly too exhausted to write much more, let alone do the music section. I like attaching music and allowing anyone who happens to read these a chance to hear new things, but I'm just tired. I feel like I could sleep for the next week straight and still be tired. Anyway, just figured I'd keep this thing updated. I won't have much to do until my quarantine is over so I'll try to jump back on here soon - as long as I'm not too tired from doing nothing all day.