The Valkyrie

Monday, July 26, 2021

Bright

A few days ago I attended a going away party for Vince. I'm driving with him to Tennessee next weekend and dropping him off to live there forever. It's going to be a very sad occasion but I'm happy for him. Anyway, I was anxious about the party because I knew I'd only know a handful of people there. I'm very painfully introverted so being social and getting to know people isn't my strong suit. I immediately found Vince as I walked in and he introduced me to a few of his friends. I felt awkward at first because I didn't know any of them, but the more we talked a group the more comfortable I became. There were six of us total by the end of it who were getting along beautifully. I feel like I bonded most with the only other female in the group. She's very much like me in the sense of not being a girly girl, plus she wore a fanny pack which was awesome. I personally own a few myself and think they need to come back into style. Anyway, I ended up staying two hours later than I intended because I didn't want to leave. I was having fun getting to know all of them and talking about various interests. The guys and I talked a bit about video games and the other girl and I bonded over music and other general interests. I was the only one not really drinking since I had to drive home, but Vince's brother had taken the initiative of setting up one of the spare bedrooms for me in case I wanted to drink and crash there. His brother and sister-in-law are very sweet people and I felt honored that they went out of their way to make sure I had a place to stay in case I wanted to drink with everyone. I eventually had to leave because I had plans with Seth the next morning and wanted to get some sleep beforehand so I wasn't completely exhausted. Saying goodbyes was difficult because I truly did like his friends and want to hang out with them more. Vince gave me his blessing to hang out with them after he leaves because he could tell how well we were all getting along. Apparently they told him after I left how much they loved me and how sweet and fun I was. It sounds like we're all getting together again on Friday to help Vince do some last minute packing as well as just hang out for a bit before he leaves. I feel like it'll be an emotional goodbye since they've all known each other for years, and Tennessee isn't exactly close enough to take a quick trip to every once in a while to visit. I won't be saying my final goodbye until Sunday when he drops me at the airport to come home, but I already told him to be ready for some tears. I like to put up a certain front, but in reality I'm a massive cry baby. I know it's going to be emotional because he and I have gotten so close over the last year and a half since we met. It'll be sad losing a friend, but it'll give me an excuse to travel a little and see him down south every once in a while. We normally chat on Discord almost daily and I know that won't change, but it's just knowing that he isn't physically here that'll make me sad. However, this is the start of a new (and better) chapter in his life, so ultimately I am very happy for him.

Anyway, yesterday Seth and I went to the beach. It was his birthday last week and I told him we'd go out over the weekend to do something together to celebrate. He decided on the beach. I never took him for a beach kind of person, but I was very enthusiastic about going. I grew up only a block from the beach, so my entire childhood revolved around it. We'd go on night walks along the sand and sit in the lifeguard chairs to look at the stars and listen to the waves. During the day we'd play in the water and watch as the sandpipers ran to and fro with the waves on the shoreline. There was a park not too far from my house that was on the beach. I'd go on the swings and run around and play with my favorite neon green RC car, all as the smell of the ocean and sound of the waves served as the backdrop. While driving to the beach with Seth I mentioned how I was surprised he wanted to go to the beach. He looked at me and said he chose the beach because he knew I'd love it. It made me a little emotional to hear that, but I didn't show it. It was overall a very enjoyable day together. We swam together in the water, which really just meant I latched onto him like a koala bear as we drifted with the waves. We talked and laughed and enjoyed the time we had. At times there was no conversation, only bobbing together in the ocean. We decided to lay out in the sun for a bit and continued our banter and usual conversation. During the trip Seth would softly say how much he loved and adored me. Our entire relationship is difficult to explain since we truly do love and trust each other, yet aren't formally dating. We both agree we'd make a great couple, but it wouldn't last. We have a few key features that don't align, so we know it wouldn't be a seriously long-term relationship. That doesn't stop us from being affectionate, though. With a vast majority of people Seth can be off-putting and harsh at times, but I get to see his soft side. Laying together on the beach was one of those times where both of our guards were completely down. We laid on our stomaches and dug for cool rocks and shells (which was successful) and shared fond memories from our pasts. We both decided that we want to visit the beach again in the next couple weeks to spend more quality time together before I start up with work and school.

Fun Fact of the Day - I have a stuffed animal named Salvatore that I sleep with every night. Not sure if you guys will remember Bambi, but back when we were still dating in high school he gave me a giraffe pillow pet. I named him Salvatore after Bambi's middle name. Even after we broke up I couldn't get myself to get rid of him. Salvatore has come on many trips with me and even on a few airplane rides to serve as a pillow on long flights. I doesn't feel right when I sleep without him. I tuck him into my arm every night and snuggle in for bed. I'm sure it sounds ridiculous for a 25 year old to sleep with a stuffed animal every night, but he's one of the things in my life that's remained constant. There's some deep psychology in that, but that's for another time.

Music drop time yet again. I hope you guys aren't getting tired of this section or think it's silly. I put a lot of work into keeping the music list organized and making sure I don't post duplicate songs. I have a whole folder in my phone with every single song I've posted on here along with ones I want to post. There are hundreds of songs, but hopefully someone out there likes at least a few.

Someday My Ship Will Sail

Nearer, My God, to Thee

Ur Gonna Wish U Believed Me

Clumsy Heart

Rainbow

Way Less Sad

Thursday, July 15, 2021

Long Forgotten Daughter

I have a lot to explain. I know I keep saying I won't disappear again for a long time but stuff gets hectic, so buckle up. I finally finished both my spring and summer semesters of classes. Between those classes and general work life it's been a lot to balance. I finished everything about two weeks ago, so I haven't been doing much since then. I don't work over the summers now since my full-time is at a school and they don't have classes over the summer. I still get paid my normal salary and collect my full-time paycheck, but am doing no work whatsoever. It feels really nice to finally have some time to breathe. I've been working anywhere from two to five jobs in addition to school since the age of 16, so I'm pretty mentally and physically exhausted.

First I supposed I'll give a brief overview of why my work life was very hectic the last couple months. Basically my coworkers and I found out our supervisor was playing both sides of the fence in an issue attacking one of my coworkers. She was accused of being racist and too harsh with the kids, meanwhile it couldn't have been farther from the truth. I spoke out against the claims directly to our upper supervisors as well as HR. In the end my coworker was released from the job and her contract isn't going to be renewed for next school year. It broke my heart because she one of the people who welcomed me and made me feel secure and happy in a job I had never done before. She taught me and showed me how to handle certain things and just loved everyone in our classroom. It was extremely upsetting when she called me after our last day with the students and told me about the email she had received. Meanwhile, less than two hours prior all of us were in front of the school dancing and singing to Love on Top by Beyoncé waiting for the kids' school buses to pick them up for the last time. We laughed and made idiots out of ourselves, but we all felt happy and like a little family. We made it through some of the craziest months at that school, and we did it together. Only to find out a matter of hours later that one of us wouldn't be returning next year. It made us all angry, but also a tad relieved in a way. The school wasn't treating her right anymore and she deserved better. We're all getting together hopefully next week to celebrate her birthday that was last month. We didn't get to celebrate because she got terminated before it came around. The new school year is going to be sad without her, but I'm hoping the coworker I have left along with a couple others will help fill in the school family again. It's important in special education that you trust in your coworkers and know that they truly have your back if something goes wrong, which something very often does. I hope that in August I get placed with the few people there I actually trust.

On a more personal topic, Seth and I have started seeing each other again. We met up in late May for the first time in almost 9 months and we kissed almost immediately. We had hung out prior to that but it was always maintaining social distancing and masks and all. After he and his family got vaccinated he felt more comfortable being together, so we made a date of it. We saw a movie, got dinner and drinks, and just walked around. We ended up fooling around which wasn't too much of a surprise given our history. This wouldn't be too big of a deal if Mike weren't also still involved in the equation. He started a new job and swore he'd have a more consistent schedule and be able to hang out more and do more stuff together. Turns out that was completely false and he's more busy now than he was before. He says he feels terrible about it but I don't know if I necessarily believe him. Everyone makes time for things that matter and it's maybe once every few weeks he finds time to hang out. I get that he's busy, but so am I. He and I have talked about it somewhat in depth via text but we haven't talked about anything serious face to face because of the lack of time. We've had dates in the city where we go out to dinner and drinks at a nice place then walk around and catch up and hang out till we head home. Whenever we're together it feels so good and we make each other laugh constantly. Mike and I are meeting up tonight over coffee to have a more serious talk about the future between he and I. I want to know where his head is with any of this. Does he really feel the same way I do? Or is he just into it for a casual thing. I can leave allowance for him being busy and stuff going on, but to a point. Hopefully our meeting will answer some questions that I feel I need answered before I make any further decisions. Seth and I have continued on as if nothing had changed between us. If anything, we're more intimate now than we were before. We both feel as if we took each other for granted and want to remind the other person who much they mean on a daily basis. He's bought me gifts and dinners and taken me out on dates, and it feels amazing. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy it. He and I have also spoken to where our relationship stands. We both agree that as a couple we wouldn't work out, and we find it such a shame because we're compatible in a plethora of ways. However, there are key areas that would put us at an impasse by way of a serious relationship. In short, Seth and I are still casually seeing each other while Mike and I are figuring things out.

Now onto some better and more fun news. I'm going on two road trips soon. One of which I'm helping Vince move down to Tennessee, but I'm only gone a couple days. I'll explain more of that at a later time but that's very sad for me and I don't want to be sad right now. The other road trip is more exciting. I'm actually going to be traveling with Leo down to Texas and back. We've planned most of it out but there are still small details we need to iron out. For the most part thought, we're good to go. We're leaving next month and are going to be gone for a little over a week. I've never done a real road trip with anyone besides my family so I'm very excited. I've been to 34 states (if I recall correctly) and this will add a few more notches to that belt.

I actually found out not too long ago that Leo is moving after our road trip. He's lives out of state currently but comes every weekend to volunteer on a local ambulance. Recently in the last few months he often comes by for dinner on the nights my brother and I cook, and has even jumped in to help at times. Usually after dinner I clean up a bit then he and I head out to a local bar. We've been there a few times now and the people there know our names. The bartender even remembers my usual drink. I drink and smoke out back and talk shit with Leo and some of the regulars. It was a nice way to decompress and let loose a little. We always take an Uber back and Leo makes sure I'm inside and settled before he goes. I very rarely can drink in moderation. I either don't drink at all or I get very drunk. I'm normally not much of a drinker and tend to rely on other substances to help me relax, but having a night out with a close friend every once in a while is definitely nice.

Also happening next month is my younger brother moving into his dorm for college. We're all super proud of him and of course want him to live his life and be free on campus, but it will be difficult without him around. We've always had him home for maybe the exception of a night or two here and there for a sleep over or something. It's going to be extremely weird and kind of sad coming home and not telling him all the crazy work stories from the day or talking about a video game or showing each other memes on our phones. He's still going to come home every couple weeks, but I'm definitely going to miss him a lot. Most of us have siblings that annoy the living shit out of us, but that doesn't change how much we love them. We've bickered and poked fun at each other but we're siblings. It's just what we do. We normally have a sibling cooking night once a week where he and I cook dinner for the family. That'll probably be changing since he won't be home every weekend. It'll be very weird and definitely sad not seeing him every day. Of course I plan on texting and calling him and making sure he's alright, but it isn't the same

To end on a happy note, I'm having a very fun weekend with Vince and a friend of his. We're going to dog-sit his brother's dog while he's out of town for the weekend. It's going to be filled with drinking, smoking, junk food, and good company. The highlight is going to be drunk tie dye on Friday night. We're all going to drink way too much and attempt some tie dye. I personally love tie dye so I think it'll be a lot of fun to do it together. So basically, this summer is pretty much open for whatever I want to do. I've been playing a lot of video games, sleeping 9+ hours every night, basically living in pajamas, and only leave my house to do fun things. This is a much needed vacation and I'm savoring every single day of it.

Fun Fact of the Day - I am obsessed with a mobile game called Arknights. I play it multiple times a day every single day (and right now, actually). Vince is the one that recommended the game and shortly after skeptically downloading it I ended up loving it. If you're looking for a mobile game to occupy some time and give you a great storyline and characters, Arknights is for you. The characters are also all adorable, so it has that going for it as well.

Here's the music drop. Part of me doesn't want to drown you guys in music, but I also feel like I have to overcompensate for disappearing for a while. I won't go too too crazy, but I'll leave a good amount. You don't have to listen to these all at once by the way. I don't know if I ever said that, but it isn't like a storytelling thing or something. Just listen at your leisure and hopefully you find at least a few songs you like.

The Night Is Still Young

Monday, May 3, 2021

Fireside Philosophy

Hello again. I don't really have too much to update, but I wanted to just talk about some stuff I've been thinking about recently. However, a mini update is that I was put on new nerve pain medication to curb the headaches I've been having. It took about a week and a half to start showing a true difference. I went a full five days without headaches, and that's massive for me. I've only had maybe a handful of days since this started a couple months ago where I haven't had headaches. Today the headaches continued, but it was nice having a respite from the constant pressure in my head. By way of school, it's almost the end of the semester so there's a ton of work I've been doing. I'm trying to still take time for myself since mental health is important, but it's difficult when I feel like everything is due at once. Even today during my meal break at work I spent my time reading a book about radical behaviorism instead of just enjoying the little silence and peace I have during my work day. The only thing getting me through it is the thought of a peaceful and enjoyable summer. I get summers off since I work at a school and I'm not taking any classes after school lets out, so I have a solid two months where I'm being paid for doing absolutely nothing. I plan on watching movies, playing video games, and maybe doing some short road trips with friends. Lord knows I need to decompress after these last few months.

The main point of my wanting to jump on here is to talk about something I've been reading for one of my classes. It was the discussion of free will vs. determinism. Free will is the line of thought where we make our own choices and have control over what we do and where our lives go. Determinism is the exact opposite, where choices we seemingly make are already predetermined for us and free will is merely an illusion. I would like to think free will is a real thing and that my actions are solely my own. However, part of me also thinks that determinism may be real. From my personal viewpoint, I tend to favor free will as being the dominant theory. Though there could be some level of both that coexist. We may make choices in life that steer us in certain directions, but maybe there are a few paths in life we were meant to take for the bigger picture. I can choose to have vanilla ice cream instead of chocolate, but a small free will decision like that wouldn't necessarily impact the larger scale of maybe a career choice or meeting a significant other which could be under the umbrella of determinism. I don't know if that makes much sense, but I thought it was an interesting topic and maybe a small change of pace from what I normally post on here. I've never been the philosophical type and I dreaded taking philosophy in undergrad, but there are some interesting elements here and there. Maybe this will make you think a bit and introduce a new topic to stay up thinking about at night when you can't sleep. You're welcome.

Fun Fact of the Day - I love oranges. They're definitely my favorite fruit. Also, my favorite vegetable is asparagus.

Time for the usual music drop. This section was intended to introduce new music to you guys, but I've caught myself a few times now posting more mainstream songs. There isn't anything wrong with more "popular" music, but I wanna use this section to introduce artists or songs you've probably never heard before or maybe even older songs that you may not have thought about in a while. I'll still post more well-known songs every once in a while, but I'm tying to keep to the original purpose of this section. Hopefully you guys like the more niche stuff I post. I've always found it cool to discover new music, and I hope you guys do too.

Spotlight

All I Need

Nothing's the Same

May Loving Hands Show You the Way

Death by a Thousand Cuts

Midnight City

deja vu

Thursday, April 22, 2021

The Exorcyst

It's been a while since I updated, and that's my bad. It's been a chaotic few weeks. I had some things going on at home that I'd honestly rather not get into on the internet. I'll share pretty much everything on here, but my personal home life can be a tricky thing to explain and navigate.
In medical news, I had a few different tests done by a neurologist I'm now seeing. I got a transcranial dopler, an EEG, and an MRI done. The results all came back normal, but he's going to bring me back for additional testing since the headaches haven't subsided at all. He's prescribed me a few different pills to take to hopefully easy the headaches and my neurological symptoms in general. However, during the MRI he did find a small cyst on a gland deep inside my brain. It's benign and isn't causing any real issues so it can stay in there for now. He explained that the cyst may be the reason why I have such trouble sleeping. Where it's located in my brain helps to regulate both serotonin and melatonin, so sometimes people can experience a disruption in their circadian rhythm. It would make sense since I've always had issues with sleep. He's prescribing me something to both help with the headaches and hopefully assist with my sleeping habits. I normally take Ambien to help me sleep at night but I'm going to see how this new stuff works.
By way of my personal life there really isn't much to report. Nothing new has happened and I haven't really done much in a social sense. I've finished all of the Star Wars movies (excluding the sequels because they're apparently not worth my time) along with most of Mandalorian. I only have one episode left and I'm saving it for when I have the time to truly savor it. I moved on to Tron last night and it was honestly one of the worst movies I've ever seen. Mike insists Tron: Legacy makes suffering through the first one worth it, so we'll see.
As for work, it's been crazy. I work with Burger every day and I know his habits and behaviors and patterns. Yesterday I could tell he wasn't right and towards the end of the day he went completely catatonic on me while we were working. None of his files mentioned anything out of the ordinary by way of medical situations, so I figured maybe he was just extra tired or sick or maybe even a medication change we weren't aware of. Administration asked us the day before if he seemed tired and he didn't seem too bad until yesterday. We figured maybe it was a medication change, which isn't unusual in special needs kids. However, we later found out that what I saw was him having a seizure. No where in his paperwork did they mention his history of seizures. If I would have known he had had seizures in the past I would have automatically known he was having a petit mal seizure and called for help. But because they kept information from us we had no idea. It's extremely frustrating knowing that I witnessed a serious medical episode and had no clue. I know it isn't logical, but I somewhat blame myself for pushing him so hard previously in the day. I don't baby him and make sure I push him to put in the work at school. I feel bad for pushing him how I did because the stress or aggravation from that could have helped to trigger a seizure. He's in class today which I totally disagree with. He should have been taken to a doctor or hospital to make sure he was alright. I feel like people shrug him off because he's nonverbal and figuring things out can be difficult if you don't really know him. All I can do is love and care for him while he's with me at school. I met with my supervisor and the teacher in my classroom about the incident and I made it clear that the nurse didn't do her job when evaluating him. Training is going to be put into place regarding how to deal with his seizures if another one were to occur. I don't want to rant, but it truly does bother me to think that the medical professional on site basically shrugged me off because he didn't have a fever and looked alright afterwards besides being tired. I took him to the nurse after it happened and she didn't seem to take it seriously. I told my supervisor that it may be because he's nonverbal and she didn't want to take the time to really work with him to figure out the issue. He's my kid and I work with him every single day. At this point I've worked 1:1 with him for hundreds of hours. I know how he acts and behaves. If I tell you he isn't right, he isn't right. I genuinely love that boy and it infuriates me to think that he could have gotten hurt or had serious issues afterwards that the group home and his own parents could have prevented or at very least helped. It was the group home that administered incorrect medication TWICE that led to the seizure. It aggravates me that he wasn't kept home to be monitored by medical staff after being given incorrect medication. The more I think about it the angrier I get, so I'm just going to cut it there.
Another work event was that of a mass shooting in the general area. A few days ago we had to go into lockdown protocol after a mass shooting happened and they suspected the shooter was headed our way. Trying to handle four special ed kids in one small corner for two hours was interesting to say the least. Eventually the lockdown was lifted when the shooter was caught, but it was wild going into actual lockdown protocol that wasn't a drill. We've done drills before and it's pretty mundane, but having an actual situation happen was a bit crazy. One of my worst nightmares is that school being shot up or something. It's a Jewish school and antisemitism is still alive and well, and special ed kids are easy targets. Luckily the school is pretty hard to get into from the outside if you don't have a keycard since there are multiple checkpoints, but where there's a will there's a way. Every morning and every evening all the staff and students are gathered outside loading onto buses going home for the day. I'd be lying if I said I never considered an active shooter situation. I feel like I'm starting to rant so I'll pull the plug on it.

Fun Fact of the Day - I can get obsessive with music and listen to the same band/song for weeks straight. Right now I'm going through a Mastodon and Korn phase with a sprinkling of Rage Against the Machine.

Here's a mix of songs I've scribbled down to share with you guys. Per usual, it's a pretty random and weird mix. Listen as you see fit and hopefully they provide you a bit of happiness. Maybe someone will even find their new favorite song. Either way, enjoy y'all.

Put That Away and Talk to Me

Saturday, March 27, 2021

The Constellation

Just a minor health update I suppose. I'm sure all of you are just dying to know what's wrong with me. Unfortunately, the answer isn't so clear cut. We know I have Post-COVID Syndrome, but we have no idea when it'll end or if/how it'll even progress. It's frustrating because there's nothing to be done except grin and bear it until it's over. I've been referred to a neurologist which I was luckily able to book an appointment with for Monday. Hopefully I'll be able to get a bit more of answer. My regular doctor said that the neurologist would most likely order an MRI and go from there, so we'll see what happens. As of now, my blood work came back all good and the protein in my blood has normalized. I came back negative for lupus or any other autoimmune problems, so by the book I'm pretty healthy. It's just the neurological aspect of things that's not going well for me.

I saw Mike earlier today and it was very nice. I went over to his place in the morning, he made us both tea, then we crawled into his bed and snuggled for a bit. We ended up getting frisky and of course things happened. I'll spare the details, but our first real time together was very enjoyable. He did things I didn't know I would like, and it was overall a good experience. We ended up doing it twice then snuggling up for a bit longer. He was turned away from me at one point and I was running my nails down his back. He has birth marks on his back that resemble a constellation. I told him I'd love to connect them one day and see what it makes. Anyway, he set an alarm because he had someplace to be later and wanted to make sure he didn't lose track of time. We ended up falling asleep together and it was very wholesome. He pulled me close and held me there for a while. Eventually we separated to our own sides of the bed but were still touching. I like physical contact and it feels nice to sleep closely with your partner. I heard his alarm go off a couple times but he turned it off and we kept sleeping. I didn't check the time and assumed he'd start moving around when it was time to get up. We ended up over sleeping for an hour and a half only to wake up to a call from his mother saying she was outside. She knew he was having someone over and I believe suspected it was a girl, as I had run into her the last time I was over. Luckily she called ahead instead of walking in on the two of us passed out naked in his room. Apparently she's moving at hyper speed all of a sudden to move out and she should be gone in a matter of weeks from what he's said. I'm excited for her to be gone because then I could be over more often and not be limited by way of time or days I can and can't come over. He's already said he wants me to stay a night when she leaves and I'm very much looking forward to it. Besides the obvious hooking up it'll be nice to just chill and watch a movie and play video games and hang out. I can feel myself falling for him and I don't know whether that's a good thing or not. I'm not sure if he wants a serious thing but that's something I want to discuss with him once his mom is moved out for real. His job is more stabilized, he has a consistent schedule, and once his mom leaves it'll give him the freedom that I think he's missing right now. I want to voice my desires and interest in a real relationship, but I'm also afraid he won't feel the same way and it'll put a strain on what we currently have. However, I also know that I have to speak my mind and be direct with what I'm looking for. I'm not a teenager anymore and I can't allow myself to not speak up and say what I want to say. It'll be difficult and kinda scary, but I know the conversation has to happen. I'm hoping he wants what I want. We text every day and have semi-regular Discord calls/video game dates. I feel as though if this was just a friends-with-benefits thing he wouldn't be so insistent with Discord and wanting to have that time together during the week when we can't physically see each other. We're both busy people so sometimes we can go a couple weeks without seeing each other, but we try to have a least a few hours a week where we grab coffee and just talk for a bit. I'm hoping this Friday I can meet him in the city for a bit of a date night again since it sounds like he'll be getting out of work early, but we'll see. Overall, my love life is doing relatively well all things considered. He makes me happy and hopefully it'll continue in the direction I'm hoping it will.

Music drop time. Once again, I hope you guys are able to just sit back and enjoy the music. Music always helps me unwind and relax a bit, or sometimes motivate me in the morning to face my day with a positive attitude. Whatever you use music for, I hope these songs help you. I always post songs I personally enjoy so I'm always hoping someone else will enjoy them too.

Sunday, March 21, 2021

Glo

I suppose I should provide a bit of a life update. Nothing too major, but still important nonetheless. I got my blood results back from my doctor visit and it turns out my immune system isn't in great shape. A certain protein in my blood is 3x the levels it should be, which indicates that my body isn't working quite right. I still have the head cold I previously mentioned after ~3 weeks. I'm still coughing and my sinuses are all kinds of messed up. Normally, a cold should last maybe a few days and that's it. For me it's never ending. My headaches were starting to get better and less frequent up until a couple days ago. I had to drive a little over two hours round trip on Friday and normally I'd love it. I've always loved driving and being on the road. I like putting on some good music, turning it up, and zoning out. It's relaxing. However, I had a very bad headache that made me feel borderline nauseous. The drive was awful and it made me sad that I couldn't enjoy something I normally love doing. I also had a very odd instance of feeling very disoriented and dizzy out of seemingly no where. I was lucky that I wasn't driving or at work when it happened, but it's concerning. I have a follow-up appointment on Monday to possibly have more testing done. I'm not sure what else could possibly be done at this point, but I feel nervous driving now since I had the episode of being disoriented. I don't want that to happen while I'm on the highway doing 80mph. I'll update on any medical news once I have a better idea as to what's going on and how/if we can fix it.

On another (better) note, my parents finally met Mike. It was a brief conversation but it was enough for them to initially judge him. I asked them after I returned home what they thought and the reviews seemed positive. My mom said he seemed like a nice guy and my dad agreed. However, when I expressed my relief of them liking him my dad chimed in with, "I didn't say I liked him. I said he seemed nice". So, we'll see what happens from here I suppose.

Life in general has just been overwhelming recently. Working full time, doing graduate school full time, and maintaining some semblance of a social life isn't easy. My mom has asked a few times if I was ok and I just didn't know how to respond. I'm a ball of anxiety sometimes and stress doesn't help that. Some days feel easy, but others are like never ending torture. I'm counting down the days until summer. No work, no school, no real obligations. I can just relax, maybe see a few friends, catch up on some shows/movies I've been meaning to watch, and just enjoying BE-ing. As a side note, I've been watching Star Wars for the past week and a half and only have one movie left till I'm done. I've always been more of a Trekkie, but Star Wars isn't half bad. I guess I never gave it a fair chance. After I'm done with the movies I'll be moving on to Mandalorian, then the Tron movies, then every single Marvel movie. I'm basically going on a massive geek binge but why not? I like trying new things, and maybe I'll find something new that I really do love.

Just a fun extra once in a while, I'll provide a random fun fact about myself. You guys know me pretty well on a deeper level, but the fun innocuous stuff isn't really touched on much in these posts. This won't be an every-post thing, but if I happened to think of a fun fact to share I'll put it in here.

Fun Fact of the Day - I wear a bow in my hair every day to work. I'm not usually girly, but I feel cute in a bow. I always match my bow to my dress, which also matches my sweater and my mask.

Here's the always anticipated music dump. These songs are all directly from my "Uppity" driving playlist. It's songs that get me happy and singing along and hyped up. If you find yourself driving for a bit just put on these songs. Make a playlist, drive, and enjoy.

Saturday, March 6, 2021

COVID: The Remix

I've been writing a lot the last week, but I guess I owe some make-up posts since I tend to disappear sometimes. There's been a interesting update by way of my health, which is always fun. On Wednesday I started having chest pain and it freaked me out a little because I've heard COVID can potentially leave permanent damage to your heart/lungs, even if you had very mild symptoms. I visited my doctor the next day and he did a few tests and a full exam. I was cleared in a cardiopulmonary sense, but he explained to me what was most likely going on. Apparently some people who have had COVID develop weird neurological aftereffects in the months following their diagnosis. Nobody really knows why, but it's a thing. I've been having way more headaches with varying intensities and I also seem to have a newly acquired sensitivity to flashing lights sometimes. He explained that the pain I was feeling was just my neurons misfiring and sending signals of pain when there really isn't any. All of these things grouped together lead him to believe that I was one of the lucky people whose brains got fucked up a little by COVID. He isn't sure how long these aftereffects will last since COVID has been vastly unresearched longitudinally, but it should only be temporary. He also took blood and I'm waiting to hear back about the results of my antibody test as well as a test of my immune system. Sometimes COVID can also lead to immune system suppression and he wants to make sure that it's ok. I've had a head cold now for about a week, which is normally something that would take maybe a few days to get over. I can't help but think my immune system got fucked up and that's why I've had this cold forever. Either way, thank you COVID for making my life that much more difficult.

In happier news, I met up with Mike in the city yesterday for a bit of a date. He started a new job this week and we haven't had much time to talk about it or catch up since he's been busy training. We met up and walked around for at least an hour just talking and taking in the city. I hadn't been in the city since the pandemic started so it was crazy to see all the empty businesses and people wearing masks. I missed the city. I missed the traffic and the people and the crackheads talking to themselves and the smell of the hot dog carts as you walk by. We eventually found someplace to eat and settled down inside. It was nice to take our masks off and finally see each other's faces. We caught up about his new job and my developing medical situation. We talked and laughed and teased each other per usual. We split a giant cookie and headed back downtown to catch the train home. We got donuts from Krispy Kreme and hopped on the train. He put his arm around me and we both dozed off together for a brief bit until our stop. We walked to his car, listened to some music, then got a little frisky. We got coffee after and talked for a while longer. We ended up being together for about 7 hours and it was the most fun I've had in a while. We were able to just walk around and talk and hold hands and be sweet with one another. He really does make me happy, and we briefly talked about the topic of dating again. Once things settle down a bit more and his mom moves out for good I think I really want to pursue this. He'll be meeting my parents soon and that's really the ultimate test. They don't like many people, so we'll see what they think of him.

I'll drop some quick music here. The first song is one that Mike and I were jamming along to in the car together. Air guitars, head banging, and madly singing along. All of these are going to be themed as some older (rock-ish?) songs I love singing along to, so enjoy.

Two Tickets to Paradise

Love, Reign O'er Me

Shine

Stuck in the Middle with You

Pour Some Sugar on Me

Sunshine of Your Love

Amos Moses

The Metal