The Valkyrie

Sunday, May 12, 2024

The Happy Little Hippie

I know I tend to say this a lot, but it's been overwhelming the last year or so. I know I've been gone and I hate that I haven't kept this updated. I like using it to look back on my growth as a person. I feel as if I've grown a lot over the past year. I decided to focus on myself and my own mental wellbeing. I read a book focusing on spirituality through the lense of being a Dudeist Priest, and I found it surprisingly helpful. I've been keeping my mind and emotions flexible while navigating the chaos of my life. I've also done my share of certain substances to do some inner soul searching. Between emotionally purging and centering myself with some form of spirituality I feel more calm and prepared for life. I'm not anxiety-free by any means, but I feel generally happier and more satisfied with my life. My life isn't perfect and it never will be, but that's part of life as well. There are lessons to be learned from mistakes or complications that come your way. Of course it's an inconvenience but there is always something positive to see in a situation, you just have to be mindful and look to find it sometimes. And speaking of complications, I've had plenty of those since we've last spoken.

I found out I failed my comprehensive exam for my Masters Degree. I have a couple choices as to my next move, but I'm not sure of my direction yet. I am supposed to be meeting with a certain program director but it's been a while since I've reached out and I haven't heard anything back. I don't want to be annoying, but I do need to speak to her. This is a dilemma to be certain.

Another part of my busy life has been my back injury. I've hit a plateau with my progress in physical therapy and I'm at the end of the road with conservative treatment. We're now on the path of spinal surgery, which I am not happy about. I feel too young for such an invasive surgery but getting it done young proves better outcomes and healing processes.

And speaking of healing, I'll touch on the last topic for this update. I've been sick on and off for the last year and have gotten many many tests done. I have finally been diagnosed as having an autoimmune disorder. My specific condition is progressive and will get worse with time. While it isn't fatal, it'll still greatly impact my life when the time comes. Until then I have to stay monitored with blood work and other tests to track when I start to decline. It's weird to know that one day my body won't be as it is now. I'm not sure if I'm "scared", but I'm also not sure what other word(s) to use.

As a positive end to things I want to mention the trip I just went on not long ago to visit some friends. I flew over 6,000 miles on 5 flights across the country to visit friends and see new places. I had the time of my life and couldn't have asked for a better experience. My heart felt fuller than it had been in a very long time. All you need in life are a few good friends. As a side note, I got to see the Pacific Ocean and it was wonderful.

I'm keeping things relatively brief with this update. I know it's been a while. I want to keep things maintained and updated on here but it's hard when life when crazy. Then I feel like I need to hype myself up to write again because it's been so long. This post may seem a smidge random and/or rambly but it is what it is. Below is some music that has been on repeat for me the last year or so. They all make me feel things and I want to share that with you all. Put on some headphones and dial in, bucko.

"We have to try to treat the world...as a complicated case, but one that we can enjoy nonetheless, if we keep our minds flexible enough. In the end it may not be a problem to solve, but a story to enjoy."

Thursday, August 31, 2023

I Can Explain

I know it's been a minute but there have been some life events that have kept me from writing much. I love coming on here and letting the emotion out sometimes but other times it's a bit more complicated. I'm not going into massive detail about some stuff because for now I want to keep specifics private, but I'll explain what's been going on and where I've been.

Shortly after my last post my dad was diagnosed with a life-altering condition. We had known something was wrong in the ~6 months before the formal diagnosis but the finality of an answer was hard on everyone. As of now he's getting the best treatment possible and is still thriving to the greatest degree. I don't think I've ever seen someone so unbothered by a diagnosis and I love that about my dad. So mentally managing that was a little rough and I didn't want to post while still processing things.

When I felt like I wanted to post again my own life got turned upside down. I starting dating someone, left my job, was unemployed for a couple months, ended up getting really sick, then was dumped via text. The relationship isn't important right now but I might talk about it in the next post. Anyway, shortly after I left my job I started feeling sick but didn't seek treatment until a few months after it had started. My main symptoms are a complete loss of appetite, constant nausea, and an unhealthy amount of weight loss. I've seen many many specialists and have done many many tests. I've been waiting for more of a definitive diagnosis to come back and do an update on here but I've been sick for almost 7 months now with little resolution. I started seeing a new specialist who ran very thorough blood panels and I have the basis of an answer, I think. It seems as if I may have the beginnings of an autoimmune disease but nothing is certain yet. I'm getting all of my blood work done again in a couple months to see how/if my levels progress, but until then it's basically just symptom management. I'm taking something something for the abdominal cramping as well as nausea, but they rarely solve the problem completely. I've never really had major body image issues until now. I know weight loss is usually a good problem to have, but given that I'm on the small side to begin with it shows pretty easily that I've lost weight. A vast majority of my jeans don't fit me anymore and I'm relying almost entirely on stretchy pants that can hug my waist, otherwise jeans just end up sagging and looking terrible. People always mention how skinny I look and how much weight I've lost, not realizing that I'm sick and the weight loss is completely unintentional. Right now my body isn't my body and frankly I hate it. I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror. I've always had an average body and was perfectly fine with that. Now my proportions are different and my clothes don't fit right anymore. I haven't weighed this much in probably close to 15 years. It's a struggle to keep the weight on sometimes but I know it's a mind over matter situation and I have to do what I have to do. There are days I have to basically force feed myself to get just a few hundred calories. On top of all my general health issues I'm also still dealing with my worker's comp back injury. So far I've had multiple rounds of trigger point injections, 2 epidurals, endless PT and chiropractic care, cupping, massage therapy, acupuncture, pain meds, and I'm sure there's more I can't recall offhand. It's been a massive struggle because my 2nd epidural didn't take as well as the first so I'm in constant pain until I see my pain management doctor next week.

I also start my new-ish job next week. I stayed within the general school system but decided to get a state job at a public school outside the city. The pay isn't great but the benefits are absolutely worth it. I still work special education but with a much younger demographic now. I worked there for the last couple months of the school year so I'm familiar with people but still feel a bit like an outsider. I'm sure with time that'll change, but I do overall like it there.

Touching briefly on my own schooling, I was slated to take a comprehensive final exam to complete my MA degree. I ended up failing by .4 points and I was devastated. I only have one more chance to take it otherwise I'm dismissed from the program. I was going to take it at the beginning of summer but with my being sick I felt as if I couldn't focus fully on the test and studying for it so I dropped out. The next exam is in January and I'm trying to get myself back into studying for it but it's hard when I still feel terrible most days between my general wellbeing and my back. I'm just trying to roll with the punches and do what I can to survive.

As a final note I'm going to very briefly discuss my former job. It was an incredibly toxic and borderline abusive environment that has permanently changed me. Shortly before I left the job I reached a mental breaking point while at work and completely broke down. After I got myself together I felt like a different person. I was tired of being stepped on and dismissed, so I made myself very known to upper administration and my immediate supervisors took exception to that. I'm glad to be out of there and I'm celebrating every person that leaves. I was the first domino to fall and there's almost no one left now. I still have an inside source so it genuinely brings me joy to hear how stressed administration is about everyone leaving. Anyway, since leaving I feel like a different person. For lack of a better analogy it's like my balls finally dropped. I stopped taking people's excuses and nonsense. I have no problem calling someone out now and being more forward with how I feel. It's liberating. Really the only downside to leaving was leaving behind my kids. I've cried countless times thinking about them and hoping they're getting the love and care they deserve. I'll always remember Burger and his little habits and preferences and quirks. He's my baby and he always will be. I know he misses me and it's hard for him because we've bonded for over 2 years and we're very attached to each other. He's been my main student basically from day one. His mom, grandma, brother, and sister all love me and have invited me over many times. That job took away any and all chance for me to say goodbye to him and have closure, and I'll never forget that.

Just to end up on a slightly(?) more light-hearted note, I got COVID for a THIRD time since my last post. Every single time I've had it so far has been between the same 5 week period of each other almost exactly a year apart, end of January into February. I keep waiting to get superpowers but I don't think it's happening. Maybe next time.

So that's my update. Hopefully now that I broke the seal I'll come to post more often. It's always so intimidating when you don't know where or how to start but you kind of just have to jump in. I'll post some music I've been vibing to recently and maybe you'll find a neat new song to jam out to. I highly suggest headphones for these, especially if you have ones with good bass. I usually try to avoid posting the same artist repeatedly but I'm obsessed, sorry. Live with it.

"Being challenged in life is inevitable. Being defeated is optional."

Saturday, November 5, 2022

Ketchup

There's a lot to go over. I've been gone for a while, but there have been multiple good reasons for this. I don't even know where to start which is why I've been quiet on here. It feels like everything is happening all at once and I don't know how I'm still going somewhat strong. It's been a challenge not to allow myself to get too depressed or anxious about things, but I think I'm doing as well as I can be. I guess I'll do this post in somewhat chronological order of events to keep it from being too disorganized.

I'll start off by explaining some stuff from my last post. I mentioned how Michael and I hadn't spoken in a while and how I felt ghosted. I was essentially put on the back burner and for an entire month was left in the dark by way of what was going on. When we eventually met up again at our go-to pool bar he explained that he got overwhelmed by our relationship and felt like he had to end it before it got out of hand. He told me he still wants a relationship but doesn't have the time to commit given he's gotten a new job that requires a lot of hours and weird work days. While he still wants a relationship, he insists he doesn't want me being chained down by him if I meet someone else. He told me I could do much better than him, and honestly I agreed. However, just because I know I could do better doesn't mean I don't want him. We spent a lot of time talking and playing pool and sorting things out, but ultimately the relationship is over. We went back to his place and I gathered my things. It made me feel sad and emotional as I was clearing drawers and taking things from the closet. I wanted it to work so badly and it just didn't. It was no fault of my own and I tried my best to make him happy, but sometimes things just aren't meant to be. We still talk a few times a week and agreed that we aren't against hanging out again or gaming together, but I feel so disconnected from him. For now I'm not putting any faith in a future relationship with him, but deep down I do still want it to work.

A couple months ago right before my cousin's wedding we found out her mom (my aunt) was in hospice and didn't have much time left. My parents flew out to be with her and I was left to live in my house completely alone for a week and a half. I only had ~15 hours notice between me finding out and them leaving. It was a whirlwind of chaos. I was never very close to my aunt, especially once my cousin went away to college and we stopped visiting. She was my godmother, but I hadn't seen or heard from her in many years. Part of me wanted to go be with her and my parents and all, but I had work and school and someone had to stay home to take care of the house and animals. It was nice the first couple days of being by myself, but then the loneliness kicked in. I'd come home from work to a totally empty and quiet house, scrounge for some food, and eat by myself while binging Parks and Recreation. It was lonely waking up and going to sleep in a house that's meant for four but is only inhabited by one. I'd get updates and phone calls daily from my parents about what was going on and how my aunt was doing. It was difficult to go to work knowing she was suffering and there wasn't anything anyone could do. Eventually after about a week of my parents being there she finally passed. To my understanding she was very uncomfortable and in pain towards the end, so I'm glad she was able to pass in peace. She requested there be no service, funeral, or memorial for her after her passing, so she was sent to be cremated and that was the end of it. She died 3 days after her daughter's wedding, but I'm glad she made it long enough to watch the live-stream and see her get married. It made me sad not to be there, but I told my mom to pass along how much I loved her despite the space between us for so many years. I wish things could have been different but my mom's side of the family has always been sort of estranged. It sucks, but I'm grateful for the family I have left and ultimately all of the memories I do have of her.

Anyway, I'll sprinkle in some good news after that - I finally was able to build my own baby PC. I've wanted a gaming computer for a few years now but never had the money nor space for it to happen. A couple months ago I was able to get my hands on a Steam Deck. I was then able to turn the Deck into my main PC component. It serves as basically a handheld PC and given the right peripherals can be turned into a basic gaming PC. I got all of the moving pieces together, bought myself a desk and gaming chair, then hooked everything up. I'm absolutely in love with it. The only piece I'm not totally satisfied with is the graphics quality of my monitor, but that's an easy upgrade if I decide to return my current one. I'm actually writing this out on said PC. I got a green switch keyboard and gaming mouse with RGB capabilities and it's absolutely beautiful.

Speaking of typing, it's going to be difficult for me in the foreseeable future to type properly on a keyboard. Earlier this week I had an accident with scissors at work. It could have been much worse, but it appears as if I severed a few nerves in my finger as well as a small artery that runs through your fingers. There was more blood than I've ever seen come out of me before. Luckily I don't get panicked or freaked out by much so I was calm through the whole ordeal, but it's definitely a bit of an inconvenience. I'm grateful it's on my non-dominant hand, but it's still very annoying navigating my daily life with essentially half of a left hand. I'm keeping it wrapped up and changing the dressing myself every day so hopefully it'll heal nicely. If not, I might have some permanent nerve damage. I know of two other people with similar injuries and both of them have complete loss of sensation in their finger tips above where the injury happened. I'm afraid mine is going to be the same. I'm experiencing a good amount of pain and numbness in the top half of my finger so we'll see what ends up happening. It sounds like it's gonna take up to a month to fully assess whether there's permanent nerve damage or not, so wish me luck.

Finally let's get to the main event that's been rocking my world. As previously mentioned in my last post, my dad has been having some noticeable physical issues. After an immense amount of testing and doctor's visits and new medication we were able to bring his diagnosis down to one of two categories. He either has Parkinson's or a Parkinsonian-like condition. The next couple weeks are going to determine which path we'll go down and what our future is going to look like. Oddly enough we're all rooting for Parkinson's since that's the best outcome at this point. I'm not going to go into this too much right now because it's still a very sensitive subject, but I had to at least give mention of it considering how stressed out it has all of us.

I suppose that's the end of this post. I debated abandoning this blog since I feel like I never post anymore, but I realized how important this is to me. My memory is a genuine problem I've been struggling with since I was a child, and it's important that I write these things down before I forget my past and my experiences. I write in this blog because it makes me feel better to get my emotions out and ensure my future self can look back on these and hopefully laugh a little. I sometimes randomly choose a post from years ago and read it. I completely forget certain things happened until I read them again. They've made me smile because I can read about the good memories and funny stories I've left here. Life may not always be sunshine and rainbows, but that only makes you appreciate the good times even more.

Fun Fact of the Day - I can drive stick shift. I've always wanted to learn how to drive a manual car and finally had the opportunity about a year ago. It was difficult at first but I'm proud to say that I can actually drive stick shift. I'm not the best stick driver, but I can still get myself around.

Here's some music for you guys. I debated making this a more organized list that makes some sense, but what fun would that be? I figured this list could represent the chaos that is my brain. Enjoy the random grab-bag of music and I hope at least a few of the songs make you happy.

Smells Like Drill Spirit

Lose Somebody

Monday, July 25, 2022

Forever The Fool

I guess I should probably post a little bit more as to what's been going on with me. I mentioned my relationship in the previous post and I'm still sitting in a weird grey area. I haven't heard from Michael in a little over 2 weeks at this point. Everyone I've spoken to about it says to just consider myself single at this point but I would hate to end something without proper closure. I'm not sure where to go with things considering he doesn't answer any of my calls or messages. For now I'm just waiting and seeing what happens. I still have things at his place so he has to reach out at some point if he wants me to take it back and free up space for his own stuff. At this point it's like a waiting game where no one seems to win.

In other news, I wanted to update on my health. I forgot whether I mentioned this previously, but I sustained a pretty painful back injury while at work. I ended up taking a hit and falling backwards. Luckily, I fell into a chair instead of hitting the corner of a wall right behind me. I ended up leaving my job for a month to collect worker's compensation. My chiropractor told me I shouldn't be paying out of pocket for treatment of an injury that happened at work, so I contacted my HR department and supervisor at work. After a couple weeks of paperwork and interviews I finally went out and started my worker's compensation leave. It was a nice break at first because my job is so stressful and physically demanding. However, after the first week or so I started getting a little stir crazy. I started cleaning and organizing my room to give myself small goals for the day to feel a bit more productive. I would take my ADHD medication and work for a couple hours while watching/listening to true crime YouTube videos. I eventually did go back to work for the last week so I could collect my normal paycheck over the summer instead of getting worker's compensation pay (which is awful). I've been dealing with my back injury for almost three months now and haven't shown a ton of improvement. I ended up having an MRI and x-ray done, and they found I have two bulging discs impinging on my spinal cord. My doctor explained that this upgraded my injury from minor to a more moderate level given that the disc bulges are atypical and likely to be harder to deal with. According to both my chiropractor and orthopedic surgeon this type of injury is difficult to keep under control and is likely to have flare-ups if I push my back too hard. For right now I'm doing consistent chiropractic visits along with physical therapy a couple times each week. All of my physical therapy is done in a pool to ease the pressure and weight on my spine, so that's been fun. Being in a warm pool makes physical therapy much more enjoyable. Point being, I've become even more fragile than I already was. This kind of relates to the next topic.

I've been feeling really down and depressed lately because of my physical condition. I genuinely enjoy working and keeping myself busy but I'm physically unable to do a lot. My teaching job is out for summer break and I've been medically excused from my retail job for a while. So besides the relationship issues I've been having, the lack of work has also been stressful for me. For a short period it's nice to have a break, but long term is a disaster for me. I start feeling useless and worthless and like I'm not contributing anything to the world around me. I start back up at my regular job in about a month but until then I'm just trying to find things to occupy myself with. I'd love to do some work outside in our yard but it's been much too hot for any outdoor work to be done. Basically, I'm wrestling with some depression and general anxiety.

Another quick factor I'll touch on is my dad's health. We've noticed some changes in his stability so he saw a neurologist that ordered an extensive 5 hour MRI. That was a couple weeks ago now and I haven't heard anything about it since. I don't know if that means they have the results and are hiding it from me, or they just don't have the information. I'm hoping it's the latter because if they're keeping it from me there's a reason why, and I don't want to entertain that idea much further.

So there's everything out on the table for you guys to know. It might seem like I'm depressed for dumb reasons like being out of work for a while, but it truly is affecting me. I've been thinking about seeking therapy again since I stopped a few years ago but I'm not sure. Either way, I'm sure I'll make it through because I've had a 100% success rate thus far so it's purely a matter of will. Below are some fun songs per usual. I'll also include a little fun fact since I haven't done that recently.

Fun Fact of the Day - I can't stand orange juice. It makes me feel nauseous and I hate it. I drank it once as a kid while sick and threw up after, so now my brain associates orange juice with feeling sick. This being said, I do still love orange flavored things and even orange soda. It's just juice I can't handle. Funny how the brain works isn't it?

Participation Trophies

Qui sait qui sait qui sait

If You Ever Forget That You Love Me

what was the last thing you said

Guilty Filthy Soul

Sunday, July 10, 2022

Slipping Through My Fingers

Once again, a lot has happened since we last spoke. I was waiting until something major happened, but then it all happened at once.

The first major event was a trip to Boston for a music festival with Michael. We drove all the way there listening to music, laughing, and enjoying the experience. We spent 4 days together and I had the time of my life. We drank, saw amazing performances, and spent quality time together. However, it all fell apart once we got back home. After Boston Michael basically disappeared for a couple weeks. It took a while for us to finally meet up again, but when we did we spent all night in his bed watching Star Wars videos and talking about everything and anything. He showed me the progress on his new hobby, Hot Wheels customizations. We talked and he gave me a couple pieces to use to customize my own, which we had bought together while in Boston. After that night together it took another 3 weeks go finally meet up again. When we did, things definitely didn't go according to plan. It was going to be a coffee date to discuss our relationship and how we can try to meet up and talk more. He told me that his new job wasn't going to allow him much time for a personal life and he wouldn't be able to give me what I need as a significant other. I felt broken. I didn't let that show, but I made it clear that his actions over the past month since we got back from Boston were hurtful. He seemed genuine when he told me I could do better than him and he didn't want to hold me back if someone else better came along. He ended up having to leave because of a prior engagement, but I told him before I left his car that I better see him soon. He promised me he'd see me Saturday night at his place and we could talk further. He texted me later that day and told me he had other plans and had to cancel with me. I've sent texts and tried calling but he never answers. I wanted to see if he had time after his plans to still meet up since I feel this is important, but here I am sitting on the beach well after the sun has set watching a distant fireworks show and writing this. I haven't heard a thing back from him. I've had a crush on Michael for years. We've spent so much time together over the years and I've grown to actually love him. He said he would want to remain friends no matter what happens because he genuinely loves hanging out together and talking, but I don't know if I could. For now I'm just stuck waiting until he eventually gets back to me.
There are other factors at play as well, but that's a main stresser for me right now. I'll get into the other stuff soon, I promise. For now I guess I'll keep sitting on the beach with my music, a starry night sky, and the rolling waves to calm me.

The following songs are ones I listened to on my way to the beach. It took about 2 1/2 hours to get here so I had a lot of time to listen to good music. Just know the songs below were screamed at the top of my lungs going 90mph trying to forget my life for a bit. Maybe they'll help you drown out your demons too.

"When our lives are knocked off course we imagine everything in them is lost. But it is only the start of something new and good" - Leo Tolstoy

Tuesday, May 24, 2022

Devil is in the Details

This post is gonna be some smaller details that didn't make it into my previous post. I really only included the major details and happenings of my life, so now I'll share some extraneous things.

Firstly, I discovered about a month ago that my hair texture is considered 2a/2b. My whole life I thought my hair was straight and boring, meanwhile, my hair is actually wavy/curly. I've been experimenting with different products and techniques, but I absolutely love my hair now. I have very long hair that reaches to my butt if I keep it down. Now there's added texture and waves to it and I truly do love how it looks. I feel almost like a new person some days when I see my hair in the mirror. Everyone who's seen my hair has said it looks great with all the new texture and curl to it.

Another detail is my new necklace. I usually only wear a gold cross around my neck that belonged to my grandmother before she died. That changed when I formally met Michael's mom for the first time. We all met at a restaurant and almost as soon as we sat down she gave me a small box to open. I was beyond blown away because this was the first time we've formally met besides a quick 30 second conversation if I ran into her at his house. I opened it and it was a beautifully dainty silver necklace with a mati on it. A mati is the Greek evil eye, and in Greek culture it's important to wear one in order to ward off negativity and bad luck. It's said to protect you from harm. Michael wears one on his chain and every family member of his that I've met has some form of a mati on them or their belongings. I found the mati to be an incredible gift because it was a way of not only inviting me into the Greek culture, but also her way of making sure I was safe and protected. I put it on immediately and never take it off. It makes me feel like part of their family and I absolutely adore the necklace. My usual gold cross has silver incorporated into it so it goes well with my mati. I personally prefer silver jewelry over gold, so his mom made the perfect choice. I love the necklace more than I can express both because of what it symbolizes and because it looks beautiful on me. It amazes me that his mom didn't even know me, yet got me a gift to welcome me into their world. Since we first met, we've gotten closer to where we'll sometimes talk on the phone or text back and forth from time to time. Considering we've only been seriously dating for a few months, I feel very welcomed into his family.

Continuing with the family theme, I've spent a good amount of time now with his. I've been to a wedding, a couple birthdays, and Greek Easter just last month. I'm still getting to know them, but they're welcoming and make me laugh. He has a younger cousin who's 5 years old and completely obsessed with me. I've spent a lot of time with him playing and talking and goofing around, and he's invited me over to his house several times to play video games together. He's a very sweet little kid and I genuinely look forward to hanging out with him and the other cousins more. Unfortunately, Michael hasn't spent a lot of time with my family because our schedules are usually pretty hectic. We went out together for my birthday dinner, but that's the only group activity we've done with my family. I'm hoping now that my brother is home from college and things are slowing down for me too we'll be able to do something as a group. My parents are still leary with Michael since they don't know much about him, but that isn't for my lack of trying to get everyone together. Michael wants to get to know them too, but things just haven't aligned yet. I'm hoping that improves soon.

Another fun detail of my life is that I was asked to a godmother for my friend's baby. We used to work together, but she left our job early in the school year. We kept in contact and have definitely become close. I absolutely adore her baby and can't wait to officially become her godmother. I completely spoiled her for her birthday and I couldn't have been happier to see her open the gifts. I feel like I should give my friend and her baby names on here, but that'll happen down line. For now, all you need to know is that I adore them both and can't wait for the baptism.

I think that's pretty much it for the smaller details over the last however many months I've been gone. Honestly, not a lot happens to me. I feel like that'll never change. I don't lead an exciting life, but it's still mine and I have to love it. Hopefully you find it interesting enough to keep reading. Enjoy some more music, because why not?

Biannual Update

Where do I even start? I've tried writing posts twice before this one but never got around to editing and publishing them. Maybe I'll do a retroactive post or something after this. I just feel like I need to pop in again and provide a bit of an update. A lot has happened since my last post almost 7 months ago now.

My health has ultimately been better. I ended up catching COVID again for the second time, but this time everyone close to me also got infected. My parents, my brother, me, and Michael all got it the week of Valentine's Day. Michael and I have joked that COVID was my oh-so-loving gift to him. For the duration of the week and a half we were all out of commission, I spent time bouncing back and forth between my own home and Michael's house to check on him. He has some past respiratory issues that became a concern again when he got COVID, so I wanted to drop in as often as I could to keep him company and make sure he was alright. My brother and my dad had it the easiest, followed by me, followed by my mom and Michael. At one point Michael made me laugh and I ended up wheezing to the point of needing an inhaler. He gave me an inhaler to hold on to just in case something like that happened again, but luckily I've been alright since then. Everyone has since made a full recovery. Funny enough, my previous COVID headaches seem to have been halted by the second round of COVID, so that's a silver lining. Another health issue I've been facing is a back injury I sustained at work. I ended up taking a hit to the chest and falling backwards. I've seen my doctor a couple times a week for treatments and he suggested I go out on Worker's Comp for a few weeks. He determined it appears to be an issue with a disk in my back which is also contributing to some sciatica. My last day of work was Friday so now I have some time to recuperate a little. It feels good knowing I have some time off work, but I also feel guilty. I know my coworkers are going to be screwed until I get back, but at this point I have to take care of myself first. They've all told me not to feel guilty and that my health comes first, but it's hard to think that way when I care so much about my coworkers and what they go through. Either way, I have some time off to hopefully get better while accomplishing some stuff I want to do at home. I'm limited in what I can do for now, but I can still be somewhat productive while out of work. Another side note on my health is that I officially got an ADHD diagnosis. It explains a lot of my forgetfulness and inability to really finish tasks when I start them.

Another big thing to touch on is my relationship with Michael. We went on a road trip together down south to visit friends of mine a few months back and we had a great time. Spending a week straight together really put us to the test in the sense of seeing if we could tolerate each other long term. Really his only complaint was me taking up too much of the bed, but that isn't anything new. On our trip we did a lot of fun stuff and spent quality time together. We went to a golf range and he taught me how to swing, we visited a very nice knife store and spent way too much money, we tried new food (and paid the price), and on the way back home we ended up staying a night at his grandmother's vacation home in the Poconos. We ended up having to shovel snow at 5am when we got there just to pull the car in to the driveway since no one had been there for a while, and that was after a very full day/night of driving. Anyway, on the trip we decided to make our relationship a real thing, and so we're officially a couple now. We've been officially together for almost four months now and I'm happy. We've had very small bickerings about communication, but besides that it's been great. I see him a couple times a week, we throw on a movie or a show, get/make food, and spend a few hours just hanging out and talking. He isn't an overly affectionate person, but I know he cares. He does little things that he knows make me happy, and that's really all I want. I've been thinking about this exact scenario for years at this point. I've had a crush on Michael really ever since I met him. Every time I look at him I'm reminded how lucky I am to have finally gotten what I wanted. From when he kissed me for the very first time years ago under the tree outside his house, to now where I get to feel him pull me close when we sleep together at night. I feel secure and confident in what I have with him, and that makes me happy. Michael just met a couple work friends of mine last night when we all went to a concert together. I was somewhat nervous about joining my two worlds since he had never met any of my friends before, but it went very well. One of my friends told me I was very "girly" around Michael, which surprised me. I didn't think I was different around him, but the comment made me stop to think. I do feel softer when I'm with him. Michael is a bigger manly kind of guy so I guess that makes me feel like I can be more vulnerable and soft when I'm around him. I feel protected and safe, and I love that about him.

School is almost over, which I'm beyond happy about. I have two finals left for this semester, then I have one more class in the fall before I graduate. Once I graduate I'll officially have a Master's Degree, and that's something I've dreamt of for a while. My ultimate goal is a PhD, but I don't see that in the immediate future. My future beyond school is still something I find uncertain to a degree, but I'll figure it out as time goes along.

I think that's pretty much it for the basics of my life right now. I feel like I haven't written in forever, and it's true. I kept saying I'd keep it updated and keep myself writing, but things always get in the way. I would like to take more time to keep this updated, and hopefully with things settling down a bit soon I should be able to get back to maintaining this again. Patience is a virtue. This blog has not yet died, and will not die in the foreseeable future. Keep tuning in to catch up on my wonderfully chaotic and confusingly compelling life. Now come enjoy some music. Surely by now you've all caught up on the music I've dropped thus far. Put on those headphones and catch a vibe.