Alright, well the day has been its normal hectic self. Musical practice ran extra late but went smoothly for the most part. We had a half day at school today so I took full advantage. Bambi and I went to lunch then the park. He went through the whole musical with me. He really is a great boyfriend. We walked back to school then said our farewells. He usually waits for me after practice but he's going to a concert today. In his absence, Leo and I were able to talk a bit.
Now let me explain Leo. After Leo broke up with his long term girlfriend in the summer of 2012, he was depressed and sad. He needed a friend. So I kinda stepped up to the plate to help him. I talked him through moments of depression and misery. In helping him, it seemed I had made him fall in love with me. There was a flirty attitude between he and I. However, I had always said that I was taken, and I refused to cheat. He understood. Or so I thought. A few months ago back in February, he left a bouqet of flowers in my locker after a performance I had done in a play. Bambi saw the flowers and lost his cool. Rage turned to sadness and a mental breakdown soon occured in the school parking lot. I helped him and tried to fix him the best I could. I then went home and messaged Leo on Facebook. I told him he had crossed the line. I threatened him. I wanted him dead. After a few days I cooled off and I forgave him. Why did I forgive him? Who knows? All I know, is that I deeply care for Leo. I can relate to him. He had his heart broken, just as I had mine broken (but that's a story for another time). Bambi told me to choose between him and Leo. I chose him of course. Yet, I couldn't let go of Leo. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get him out of my mind. I love him. I care about him. Most people would just choose their boyfriends and ditch the other guy. Well not me. Why? Because I'm me. There's no real explaination. So now Leo and I are forced to talk only on Facebook. We unfriended eachother, but we still send messages. We can have no contact with eachother, but we still find ways to be together. He does tech work for the plays, so he's been staying at the musical practices as of late.
Anyway, back to the story. Since Bambi was gone today, we took advantage. We took the bus together and we talked. We sat close and I was even teaching him how to waltz a bit. We probably look like a couple when we're together. But I know better than to kiss him. I've cheated on every boyfriend previous to Bambi. It has ended badly every time, so I refuse to do it again. You know that saying "once a cheater, always a cheater"? I believe that. But I'm holding myself to my own standard. No kissing or feeling up or dirty talk or anything like that. I'm his friend. He's my friend. No more. He wants to join the army. Of course I'm worried for his saftey. Who wouldn't be? Is it weird that I care so much for him?
Well now it seems I've rambled a lot. I'll try to be more focused next time. But I suppose there is a lot of information that should be known before I break into a story. I'll fill you guys in as we go along. Now I'm on my way home on the second bus. 7:46pm. I guess it's just gonna be a short night and a long day tomorrow. Tomorrow I get to sing my solo song. Whee. Let's see how that goes. Wish me luck.
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Dear Friend..
Monday, April 29, 2013
Still Here
Hi. I'm still here. So where did I leave off?..oh yes, my boyfriend. My love life has been the biggest cause of strife in my recent life. You see, I have a boyfriend, but there are several guys who are my friend. There's Leo, Mimi, and Jojoe. I've known Leo for a little over a year and he's my age. I helped him through a messy breakup. You'll hear more of him later. Mimi is like a little brother to me. He's a few years younger than I am. He told me that he had fallen in love with me a few months ago, so things with he and I have been a bit weird since then. Jojoe is older than I am. He's about 7yrs older than me. Back about a year ago, he and I used to hook up and have little flings (flings don't mean sex....). Now its a bit complicated. He's always been a bit of a loner, but he's attached to me now. He actually cares about me. I've known him for about 3yrs. He's a good guy, but sometimes he's a bit crazy. We'll go into detail later on these matters, don't worry.
So over the course of my life, I've lost all of my grandparents. My Nana, Mumar, Mufar and Uncle B. Uncle B wasn't really my grandfather. He was my Nana's brother. My actual grandfather died from cancer when my mother was 18, so I never knew him. Uncle B is my inspiration for everything I do. He lived his dream and became a writer and professor. What more could I ask for? I want to be like him someday. I want to look back on my life and not regret anything.
However, at this very moment, I regret a majority of what I have done in high school. I've cheated, stolen, lied, gossiped and said mean things. Everyone does it, I'm sure. Its just that my mind isn't really normal. When I do something wrong, I feel guilty. But not the normal kind of guilt. This guilt builds up inside me until I explode. I like having somewhere to vent and talk. That's kinda what blogs are for...right? I can say my problems and not worry about who will hear them. The daily life I live is hectic and chaotic. I wake up at 6:33am and go to school until 2:30. Then I have musical practice at 2:45 (I'm in a musical, with a kinda lead role). We get dismissed around 6. Then I have a 2hr public bus ride home. I get home to cold dinner and a quiet family. Its around 9 by the time I eat and settle down. Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll watch some TV or go online. Probably not. So then I shower and sleep. Lather, rinse, repeat. Day after day. Then on weekends, I work in a small bagel shop. I make bagels for a living. Great, right? I've been working there about 8months now. I get along with everyone mostly. You'll hear more about work later.
Time is running out. 11:30 already? Damn it. I really need some sleep. Oh, and P.S., the musical I'm in premiers in 9 days from tomorrow. May 9th. I'm sick so my voice isn't the best. Life hates me sometimes.
Hello World
I guess maybe I should give you some background information. I'm 17, and a senior in high school. I skipped a grade so I'm always the youngest in my class. At home, I'm the older sibling. I have a brother who is 10. He can be annoying but I still love him. My parents are married, and we live all together in a normal house in a normal neighborhood. I personally have gone through a lot of shit. I've had my heart broken. I've also broken other peoples' hearts. I have a boyfriend. His name is Bambi. Our one year anniversary is soon. May 19th. I'll write more soon. For now, I must bid thee farewell.