Dandelion

This is the first post I've written from my laptop in a few long time. My laptop broke and I was afraid of fixing it due to the cost. It ended up being free under some warranty I didn't even know I had. Go figure. Then as I went to plug it in at home, my charging wire didn't work. The cute little monster had chewed through my wire. Luckily for me, the stars aligned and I got Josh's old wire instead of having to buy a new one. It's the little things like that that remind me how awesome it is to have someone who has your back. With JP, anything he did had to hidden and covered up because I knew how wrong that relationship was deep down. Now I have a normal relationship. The hours a day we spend together at work are priceless. They may drag on sometimes, but it's the small conversations or comments that make memories. When I get stressed during my upcoming semester, I'll think of the time I made him each spinach. And the times he taught me exactly how he likes his coffee. And when I surprised him with mini cannolis. And even just the pointless trips just to get away from the desk. I love being with him. He lets me bring him to places he doesn't enjoy, like a GoodWill store today or into the clearance sections of countless stores. He lets me be me, and loves me for my quirks. I feel like I say a lot of the same shit over and over in these posts regarding him. I just can't put it into words exactly how I feel about him.
Josh asked me the other day if people stare at us when we walk together in public, on account of his wheelchair. I was nothing but honest with him and told him people are going to stare. I know a lot of them feel sympathy, or maybe think I'm some kind of saint for dating someone in a wheelchair. When we started talking, I didn't know he was in a chair. It wasn't till I read through his profile that I realized. I didn't discount him, like many others have. I guess maybe they think that because he's in a wheelchair, his brain doesn't function? I'm not sure what goes on in other peoples' heads. Josh has told me on several occasions that he never wants to embarrass me because he's disabled. Everyone has shit wrong with them. His flaw just happens to be on the outside. But I'd much rather see someone's baggage upfront than discover it when it's too late. My flaw is my mind. I'm bipolar and still have streaks of crazy. Nothing has happened to trigger anything yet, and I hope it never will. Our first argument will be tough for me. I really don't know how that'll go, since I've found myself more outspoken as of late. It's tough for people to visualize, but this 5'2 white girl has a temper. I'll never forget the day when I punched JP square in the face out of sheer anger. He's over a foot taller than me and about twice my weight, and I didn't hesitate to deck him. When I'm in emotional pain, I have no fear. Was he going to punch me back? Maybe. Did I do it without thinking anything through? You bet your ass I did. I never want Josh to see that side of me. I never want him to see the cold calculating side to me that comes out when I feel threatened either. I become a different person. Josh doesn't know what he's dealing with yet. He may be able to handle it, and maybe he can't. But there's no way of knowing until something happens. You might love someone to absolute death and beyond, but still be forced to walk away after seeing a certain side of them that you can't/won't handle. I'd rather be with a kind hearted soul who can't walk than someone who's internally a ticking time bomb under certain conditions. Every time you see an able-bodied person holding hands with someone disabled, don't think that they're some sort of angel. Maybe they're a little broken too.