Carl Vinson

There have been a lot of thoughts swirling in my mind lately. I think about school, work, friends, Josh, and just life in general. Being so close to becoming an actual adult is scary. I don't have adult skills yet. So knowing that in a couple years I'll be out of college is kind of intimidating.
Another thing in my brain is the current political climate. The entire world seems to be on edge just waiting for something to happen. All it takes is a spark and the whole thing goes up in flames. My mom wants my brother to learn Korean in case something crazy happens down line. She wants him to be able to work as a possible translator instead of a grunt sent out to die. Some say it's paranoia, but I can't help but see it too. I'd rather be over prepared than under prepared. I've been thinking about it a lot for myself as well. Growing up, my mom always told me how her father and his brothers all fought in the wars going on because they owed this country their lives. I'm only a 2nd and 3rd generation immigrant, so I've heard straight from my grandfather's mouth how America gave him a new life. It helped both sides of my family to proper and grow. They were given the opportunity to live the American dream, and for that they were eternally grateful. I was raised under those same beliefs that you owe your country service if it needs you. Most families here in the States can't tell you a story about their family immigrating here. Millions and millions of people have been here for generation upon generation. That value of hardship is lost for most, but I still have it. I have the stories and pictures and documents fresh in my mind. If my country needs me, I volunteer. Josh doesn't like the idea at all, which is understandable. I'm praying nothing terrible happens, but no amount of praying can stop the inevitable. While watching the news every night, I think about Leo. He's still in school, but I'm sure if they desperately needed bodies he'd be called up. I worry for him when I see things getting tense overseas. I watch the news almost every night and always stay as informed as possible. I don't want Leo deployed. I'm worried about him for the personal reasons of course, but the military tension doesn't help. The entire world is on edge, and I can't help but have that weigh on my shoulders.

"Why me?"

Josh and I had our talk today with college class that was about his disability. Josh, his mom, and I sat for about 2hrs discussing his condition and what it's like living with it. I really only had a little tidbit at the end where I spoke, but I found it interesting to listen. I knew bits and pieces of the story but didn't know it from beginning to end. It was interesting to hear it from his and his mom's perspective. Once the talk was over, Josh and I went to a 5Below for junk food then headed home. We spent about an hour or so at home watching Men in Black together and eating the junk we bought. I really don't pay much attention to Josh's disability because I've gotten so used to being around it, but it's good to be reminded every once in a while of what his story is. He's a fighter and extremely determined. It reminds me how lucky I am to have him as my boyfriend. Josh is a great person all around, and I really can't find many flaws to complain about. Being with Josh makes me comfortable. I know I always have someone behind me to encourage me or keep me going in the right direction. I like to think I make him a better person, but I know for sure he makes me a better person. I don't really know where I'd be right now if it weren't for him. I feel like people may look at he and I as being an odd pairing because he's in a wheelchair, but it's such a unique relationship. You can tell we really love each other just by spending more than 60 seconds with us. I think everyone in the class appreciated what we had to offer and the insights given. And of course I had to tell them that Josh and I have a sex life, because what fun would it be if I didn't share that information? It's scientifically relevant of course.

Santosha

It's been weird lately. I've been feeling oddly positive but at the same time pretty stressed out. I took an Italian test today and knew what I was doing, or so I thought. I just checked online for my grade and was excited when I saw it was graded already. I figured at least a C. I got an F. I honestly don't understand how. I knew I wouldn't get an A or probably even a B, but an F? When I saw the format of the test, I was so relieved because I knew how to do it. Rewriting paragraphs and answering questions and things I knew how to do. I'm on spring break next week so I won't be able to meet with her for 2 weeks. I want to review that test and ask what I did wrong and what happened. She's such a nice professor and I want so badly to at least get a C. On that front, I'm very stressed.
On another front, things with Josh are positive. We have Book of Mormon next week as well as a talk we're doing together about being disabled and dating someone who's disabled. I'm nervous but somewhat excited as well. I hate public speaking but I get sort of a stage high afterwards. I miss that a lot from high school. Between the plays, musicals, concerts, singing gigs, and competitions, I was always feeding off of that positive feeling. I thrived on it. It'll be nice to see if I get that same feeling from this. A few days ago Josh also told me about a new drug that the FDA had finally approved to treat those with SMA  (what he has). It's supposed to help regain some motor function and strength. He actually cried when he told me. He's grown to accept his condition, but I know it still weighs on him and affects him every day. It's a heavy burden to bear, I can only imagine. However, everything beneficial seems to always have a drawback. If he did begin this treatment, it would put him at higher risk for certain infections and medical conditions. It's administered through a needle into the spinal cord once every 3-6 for the rest of your life. And the first year of treatments would cost  $750,000. After that it drops to a mere $375,000 per year for the rest of your life. Let that sink in. I told Josh that no matter what he chose, I'd be behind him. I just don't want him to end up in the hospital with a severe infection if something were to happen. I of course want him to regain some motor function and strength, but not for me. I know it would mean so much to him just to gain a little of it back. For right now it isn't much of a viable option, but you never know what the future could hold. There are several other SMA drugs currently being tested by the FDA, so who knows what may come out next. I remember a while back asking Josh if he would take a cure for his condition if it were to ever come about. Without hesitation he told me yes. I'd love to see him be more independent and on his own. I know it's what he wants. But I'm afraid of him taking that risk and losing. High risk means a high reward, but it can also mean a severe failure.