Santosha

It's been weird lately. I've been feeling oddly positive but at the same time pretty stressed out. I took an Italian test today and knew what I was doing, or so I thought. I just checked online for my grade and was excited when I saw it was graded already. I figured at least a C. I got an F. I honestly don't understand how. I knew I wouldn't get an A or probably even a B, but an F? When I saw the format of the test, I was so relieved because I knew how to do it. Rewriting paragraphs and answering questions and things I knew how to do. I'm on spring break next week so I won't be able to meet with her for 2 weeks. I want to review that test and ask what I did wrong and what happened. She's such a nice professor and I want so badly to at least get a C. On that front, I'm very stressed.
On another front, things with Josh are positive. We have Book of Mormon next week as well as a talk we're doing together about being disabled and dating someone who's disabled. I'm nervous but somewhat excited as well. I hate public speaking but I get sort of a stage high afterwards. I miss that a lot from high school. Between the plays, musicals, concerts, singing gigs, and competitions, I was always feeding off of that positive feeling. I thrived on it. It'll be nice to see if I get that same feeling from this. A few days ago Josh also told me about a new drug that the FDA had finally approved to treat those with SMA  (what he has). It's supposed to help regain some motor function and strength. He actually cried when he told me. He's grown to accept his condition, but I know it still weighs on him and affects him every day. It's a heavy burden to bear, I can only imagine. However, everything beneficial seems to always have a drawback. If he did begin this treatment, it would put him at higher risk for certain infections and medical conditions. It's administered through a needle into the spinal cord once every 3-6 for the rest of your life. And the first year of treatments would cost  $750,000. After that it drops to a mere $375,000 per year for the rest of your life. Let that sink in. I told Josh that no matter what he chose, I'd be behind him. I just don't want him to end up in the hospital with a severe infection if something were to happen. I of course want him to regain some motor function and strength, but not for me. I know it would mean so much to him just to gain a little of it back. For right now it isn't much of a viable option, but you never know what the future could hold. There are several other SMA drugs currently being tested by the FDA, so who knows what may come out next. I remember a while back asking Josh if he would take a cure for his condition if it were to ever come about. Without hesitation he told me yes. I'd love to see him be more independent and on his own. I know it's what he wants. But I'm afraid of him taking that risk and losing. High risk means a high reward, but it can also mean a severe failure.