Praying

The last couple days have been weird in terms of my family. I have an aunt and uncle that we don't talk to (on my mother's side). I found out by complete accident from one of my cousins that my aunt had moved in with her daughter (my other cousin) in another state. I thought it was weird because of how far it was from her old house. I told my mom and she did a little digging, and things got discovered. After some research and making calls, we found out my aunt has lymphoma. She's known for about a year and a half, and no one told us anything. Only upon complete accident did we find out. It makes me think a lot about that dynamic. My mom and her siblings fought a lot in their adult years. My aunt and uncle did unforgivable things to my mom and did her dirty beyond repair. There's a certain animosity that I harbor against them both, but at the same time I try not to wallow in it. My family fell apart years ago and it never got repaired. My mom tried and the other two didn't want any part of it. I'd be lying if I said I missed them. I miss the idea of having extended family and people to count on, but not them as individuals. When I heard the news this morning from my mom, I wasn't emotionally affected. It sucks she has cancer, but it didn't feel as bad because I truly don't know her. I feel guilty for not feeling more sadness or worry. But I can't force emotions that I don't have.
Many people in my life have done me wrong. I've gotten hurt physically and emotionally and mentally. I'll carry that pain around for the rest of my life. I will never be the same person that I was before those individuals came into my life and took a piece of me with them as they left. Some of those people are neutral to me - I don't strongly care what happens to them. Then there are those that I hate. Hate is a strong word, but some people deserve it. I have scars that will be with me until the day I die. I often have dreams of the people I hate. I dream of hurting them like they hurt me. Sometimes my thoughts are disturbing. I've planned in detail how I would torture them and disable them from running. Killing is too fast sometimes. If I have to live the rest of my life affected by the pain, they need to feel some of that pain as well. I've caught myself smiling when daydreaming about the torture. Call me fucked up, but I think the world needs more eye-for-an-eye style punishment. There's only 1 person I would wish my life upon. The memories and flashbacks and fear and perpetual state of anxiety. I want that 1 person to feel what I felt. To see what I saw. To fear for their life like I feared for mine. To have to beg for the torture to end. I'm a harder person now because of those experiences. I find it more difficult to love someone and be loved in return. I want that person to know the irrational fears I have because of them, and how much they affect my daily life. I can only hope that one person gets what they gave me.

"Some say in life you're gonna get what you give, but some things only God can forgive"
Hey, listen.

Back to Me

I feel like I've done so much, but at the same time nothing at all. I try to write more often to keep my mind flowing and clean, but I've been busy. I've been reading a lot of stories and books and poems and sonnets for my English classes. I've been taking (painfully) tedious notes in statistics. I've put more effort than I thought was needed into faking not knowing the language for my German class. I've spent hours upon hours in the library or at home or on the bus reading and studying and writing papers. The good news is that I'm positive 3/4 of my professors like me.
I've been trying to balance out my school life with more social things. I've met friends for lunches/dinners, I've put effort into conversing more with my friends, I've made plans to hang out way more than I normally would. I've gotten great grades so far so I'm trying not to stress myself too much. My back has been killing me the last few days. It's gotten to the point of being so painful that it makes me nauseous. Even right now laying in bed I would rate my pain a 6/10. It's uncomfortable and is getting in the way of my work. I can't sit or stand for long periods to write papers or listen to lectures otherwise I can get into excruciating pain. Chronic pain is a bitch.
Lastly, some stuff has happened in my personal life. Josh's mom got into a crazy accident that totalled her car and sent her to the hospital. It was an interesting day. I've also found myself staying up later than usual. I like to be asleep around 1, but lately I've found myself awake at sometimes almost 3am. I found out my cat needs to take a pill every night, so that's been worrying if we can't get him to take it sometimes. Today I hung out with Gurmeet and his family for a few hours. I learned about Diwali and ate homemade Indian food (and dessert). It was nice just talking and feeling relaxed.
Anyway, I suppose my life could be worse. I've been thinking about the past recently and how much I've grown. I'm not the same person that I was 2yrs ago. Some people just don't seem to understand that. It takes time to accept your life and be happy with who and what you are. I was a very passive person in the beginning of my childhood. I was impressionable and weak and wanted to make everyone else happy. But now I've grown into who I always wanted to be. I'm tough and a little abrasive. I don't have a filter. I don't care what other people think. I'm a straight shooter and don't like fake people, and I have the mouth of a sailor. I've put up extra walls since I was last broken down. It's been a struggle but I've come out stronger over the last couple years. Not everyone has the luck of becoming a better person after tragedy.