Sister Morphine

It's been a while since I've written. I've been feeling in a weird head space. I feel anxious and depressed at odd times. It isn't provoked or warranted. I was sitting through a lecture today with an anxiety level of maybe 5/10. That's pretty bad for having no reason whatsoever to be anxious. It's annoying. As I begin to learn more from my higher level psychology classes, I can accurately gauge was is medically deemed as normal and abnormal. My current psychopathology professor humanizes her patients, and takes her time to figure out the intricacies of their thought patterns and behaviors. She doesn't just teach the science behind benzodiazepine or SSRIs, but emphases the patient. While I'm learning a lot from her as a professor, I am also learning from her as a mental health care professional. This vein of psychology is the one I am most interested in. Learning about diseases and disorders and phobias and treatments and therapies. It's all so fascinating to me. We watched a video of a woman who filmed herself while in manic state, and then again in a depressive state. It's much different to see a patient in person as opposed to reading about a certain condition on paper. I'm thoroughly enjoying my classes thus far. I feel as if I'm bonding with one of my female English professors. I need 2 professors to give me letters of recommendation, so I do believe she could be #2. It's only been about a month and a half, but we frequently talk during and before lectures. While I may disagree with some of her standpoints on both literature and history, she is still a good person. She genuinely makes me smile by commending my participation or encouraging my questions. On the negative side of school, I got a 74 on a test. I want to email the professor to look over the exam face to face so I can see what I did wrong.
Besides school, my person life is ok. Just ok. Josh and I are good, but not outstanding. I've had an issue with expressing emotions and thoughts throughout my life. It's never easy for me to let down the wall that's guarding my emotions. I was never open about my emotions or feelings with anyone really. I tried as hard as I could with JP, but it just didn't work out. And since I got so badly burned and hurt, I put my wall back up extra tall and extra heavy. Even when watching a funny movie, I don't laugh at the funny parts. I see the humor in it, and I understand it. But laughing or smiling isn't needed to enjoy the movie. I do an internal smile instead. I don't know why, but I don't like expressing any positive emotion. Positive emotions can be broken down by someone else if you let those emotions run free. It sucks because although I love Josh and our relationship, I'm still emotionally limited. I'm afraid to fully attach to someone else in fear of getting hurt again. I opened my soul to the wrong person and paid the price for it. But Josh deserves better. He deserves someone that will laugh with him and have the bubbly personality he loves. I used to do that. I used to be that person. Then I felt myself falling for him and I got anxious and scared. What if I become completely emotionally naked and show him every aspect of my soul, and he leaves. Maybe not right then, but a month from then. Or a year from then. Or 10 years from then. I don't want to get hurt again. I'm creating a distance between us as a defense mechanism, and it isn't fair to him. I'm a mentally and emotionally damaged person. My past has destroyed any hope for a mentally and emotionally normal future.
As I sit here in bed with one of my cats cuddled up next to me, I try to count my blessings. I've been very fortunate for most of my life. I've developed so much over the last 5 years since leaving high school. My personality now is much different than even 3 years ago. My mom has always described her late grandmother as being "murderous". She said what she said because she wanted to say it and so she did. She was unapologetic and gave less than 0 fucks if you were offended or didn't agree with her. She wasn't afraid of anybody, even in old age. Although I never had the pleasure of meeting her myself, she is my goal in life - not to give a single shit about what others think. To an extent, I do this subliminally almost daily. I don't dress for success or hold my tongue in class. If I don't like you, you know that I don't like you. But being that abrasive isn't always an attractive quality. While I want to be softer for Josh, I also don't want to get too emotional because after all, I have to mask my feelings after all. This has been a super long blog post but it's been forever since the last one so I figured why not write a massive juicy entry.