Better Now

I'm trying to keep updated on here from now on. Getting my thoughts and feelings out in the open feels good. It's different than therapy, and I rather enjoy it.
I've been very unsettled lately. Not in any particular mood, just a general feeling of being a bit unstable. I've been enjoying Seth's company a lot this week. We spent about 10hrs together on Monday, then another 8hrs Tuesday. Yesterday I wasn't feeling mentally up to having sex or doing much. There's a room that he and I for our encounters where no one goes. It's maybe around 15x15ft with 3 windows and working outlets to charge electronics. We've watched movies there, had plenty of sex, and yesterday we just hung out. He knew I wasn't mentally ok, so we just talked and enjoyed each other's company. We sat on the floor for about an hour and talked about nonsense. He made me smile and laugh, and I felt a little better. I became more at ease and we had ending up having sex anyway. Seth respects my boundaries and wishes, no matter how badly he wants to fuck me.
I've been keeping Josh in the loop with this stuff if he asks, and he thinks I'm forming the beginnings of a relationship with Seth. What Seth and I have is definitely different than anything I'm used to or have seen in the past. I forget whether I mentioned this in my last post, and I'm too lazy to look - but there's another girl in the picture. She usually gets him for entire weekends, while I have him daily during the week. Having another girl doesn't bother me. If anything it's a reassurance that I'm not slipping into my old ways. While Seth and I do love each other and care deeply for one another, neither of us wants nor needs a relationship. We're content with what we have. The only issue arising as of late would be that I'm beginning to feel jealous. The other girl gets him for 4 days in a row sometimes, and I only get him for 1-2hrs at a time. While it is nice seeing him every day at school, I wish he and I had more extended quality time. Monday and Tuesday were exceptions to the norm, obviously. Next week he and I have off for a Jewish holiday, so we're planning a night at a hotel in the city. He said he wants to take me someplace nice and treat me how I deserve to be treated. I'm very much looking forward to it. Having more than about 3hrs together is incredible for me, and he feels the same. He understands my jealousy and is trying to balance the system. What makes me feel better and helps with coping with the jealousy is knowing that he'd choose me over her. He's told me several times that he sees her more as a friend he fucks, and he doesn't love her at all or find her as attractive. He still likes her, but not nearly on the same level that he likes me. I'm aware that he could just be playing me and feeding me what I want to hear, but I doubt he would. I have small files of information on both the other girl and his ex. I could do damage to him and those he cares about. Knowing I have some power makes me more comfortable. Anyway, I know he loves me and I know I love him. I have no idea where this is leading either of us, but I'm enjoying the ride as we go. There's nothing you can do other than taking it one day at a time.

Head to the Clouds

It's been almost exactly 6 months since I last posted here. I don't even know how to explain what has happened.
Josh and I began to struggle in our relationship. Between our schedules and the distance from living in different states, we started to crumble. We tried to save it the best we could. He and I both had our shortcomings and contributions to the fall of our relationship. We are trying to maintain a friendship, and still be in each other's lives. It gets difficult because I am bitter inside. Not because of him, but because of myself. I wasn't ready for another relationship so soon after JP, but I jumped in head first thinking I could make it work. I'm an emotionally distant person, and I always have been to a degree. Josh needs someone who is more emotionally expressive and available. Over the past few months, I've been numb. I got another job at a lab on campus, and have been running myself into the ground with the amount of stress I've taken on. My summer was spent taking summer classes, working 2 jobs, and trying to balance and repair my relationship. In the month of June I did not have a single day off. I was always either working, going to class, or traveling interstate. Over the course of the summer, I had many moments of mental and emotional instability. I had full on meltdowns, and distanced myself from the people I love. I worked myself close to death. I hated it, but I also loved it. The more I worked, the less time I had to focus on my problems and mental health issues. By the end of the summer, my mind was on the verge of a complete shutdown. It was the most unstable I had ever felt. The thoughts of killing myself floated in and out, and it became disturbingly normal. Due to my increasing anxiety, I was prescribed Xanax. To further quell my anxiety and depression, I've taken to smoking copious amounts of weed. I smoke every night before bed, and even during the day if needed. Since the breakup 3 weeks ago, I've been rapidly losing weight. I've completely lost my appetite, and can't stomach food without smoking first. I've gone over 24hrs without food and have not felt the least bit hungry. My pants are becoming loose on me, and I've been dropping weight faster than can possibly be healthy. I need to force feed myself to keep the weight on, and to appear normal in front of my family. It's a struggle every day to return myself to normal. I do not want to be depressed anymore. I'm mentally falling apart, and I don't know how to recover.
There's a guy I have been talking to since the beginning of summer. Let's call him Seth. Seth and I were in the same English class last semester, and he approached me at the end of the last class and asked for my email. We were writing papers on the same topic, and he wanted to work on them together. We began emailing about class and the paper, and we kept it fairly professional. After the paper was submitted, we started talking on a more personal level. He flirted with me, and eventually hit on me directly. While flattered, I was still with Josh. However, we continued talking and eventually exchanged numbers. The more we talked, the more we hit it off. The relationship he and I have cannot be easily explained or defined. He's been a major support for me, and we've bonded deeply. In addition to this friendship, we've been getting sexually involved. We don't put a label on what we have, and we don't have any expectations of where it may lead. We see each other every day when we're on campus 4 days a week. He's helped me remain somewhat sane and stable through all of this. He is a good person, and I believe he genuinely cares about my wellbeing. However, I am still guarded to a great degree. He understands where I've come from and the kind of trauma I've been through. I am not looking for a relationship, and neither is he. We are both on the same page with everything, and that is what I need most right now. The mutual understanding between us is a beautiful thing. We care deeply about each other, and have even exchanged words of love.
I don't know where my life is going or what I'm doing anymore. I feel lost and stuck. I'm applying for graduate school and I'm in the middle of writing my essay. Seth is an English major, so I had him review my essay. He then shared it with his father who works as a teacher at my college and his mother who is in the field of psychology with an advanced degree. Seth and his mom both have access to the document online, and have been helping me edit and tweak it until it is perfect. I don't know what I will do if I don't get accepted into graduate school. As of right now, my life feels pretty worthless and pointless. While high last night, I bought a song entitled "Fuck Up" because it spoke to me.

"And I'm sorry. But I promise that I hate me more than you do."