X-T-C

This is my first post since the end of 2018. A lot happened this past year. It almost doesn't feel real in some ways. I celebrated my 2 year anniversary with Josh, met Seth, broke up with Josh, started an interesting relationship with Seth, graduated from undergrad with my BA, and got rejected from graduate school. It's been a mix of a lot of good and bad things. One thing I haven't mentioned on here is that I've become involved with another guy besides Seth. He lives in Las Vegas, and is a good friend of Seth's. He gave me his number because we have some things in common and thought we would get along. I found out after the fact that his intention was to have us hook up. Seth knows that he's my security blanket and I always want to cling to him without going out on my own. This was his way of giving me a little push in the right direction and expanding me beyond my comfort zone of just him. Let's call this new guy Skye. Skye is an awesome person, and we do have a lot in common. We met for the first time about a week ago after texting for a few weeks since he was in town for the holidays. After much hesitation on my end, he and I hooked up. I was very careful not to put myself or Seth at risk by doing something sexually unsafe. A new and odd component to this relationship is that I've taken on the rope of a dom, and he the sub. I was unsure as to how it would go because I've never done anything like that before. Apparently I'm a natural. It felt good having an outlet for my anger and frustration about life. I won't go into great detail, but there were many things I had never tried before and I loved every second of it. Skye will only be in town once every couple months, so he'll be a fun boy toy to have. However, Seth is still my #1 by far.
After Seth spending Christmas Eve with my family, I spent New Year's Eve with his. I picked him up from work and we drove around a neighborhood by his house checking out houses and criticizing them like architects. I very much enjoyed laughed and having fun alone with him. We eventually made our way to his house, and his parents greeted me. We all talked for a bit, then Seth and I retreated to his room. It started out with us looking at some old kid's books and photos, and me pinching his cheeks telling him how cute he was (and still is). I was laying on his bed talking to him, and he told me to give him my glasses. He was far enough away from me that I couldn't give it to him without getting up. I got up and gave them to him, then he told me to undress. I knew what that meant. I was excited. I did what was asked of me, and things began. I'll spare most of the details, but there were important moments. Seth used rope and tied my hands behind my back in a tight knot. I was restrained with the rope, and he ran it between my legs so he could control me. He and I had talked about things like that. I wanted to try it, but I was hesitant because of the abuse from my past. I didn't want to trigger a panic attack because I felt restrained and powerless. Everything went ok to begin with, then he threw me onto the bed and wrapped the rope around my neck. He started to choke me with the rope, and I was scared at first. But he broke the dom persona for a moment (which is a huge no no when in the middle of sex like that) to ask if I felt comfortable and safe. Just him asking that made me feel at ease. I told him yes and we kept going. I wanted to push my boundaries and see where it led me. Surprisingly, I mostly enjoyed the venture. He and I spoke about it once we were done. The fact that he took his time and wanted to make sure I was ok meant a lot to me. He ensured I had a way out in case I was too scared or uncomfortable with things. I told him I wanted to try new things, and he made sure to do it in such a way that still made me feel safe with the illusion of being trapped and helpless. However, the rope let marks around my neck that I'm now having to cover with makeup. While that part is annoying, I think over all it was worth it. We had dinner with his family and talked for a couple hours. There were a lot of laughs and good discussion. After we had dessert, Seth and I returned to his room for rounds 2 and 3. Afterwards, we just laid there together talking and hanging out on his bed. That level of intimacy is something I never have with him. We were always doing it on the fly, trying not to get caught by someone on campus. Having the ability to just lay there together after things settled down was an incredible feeling. The hours went by faster than usual, and before we knew it it was almost midnight. We made a fire in the living room and we all gathered around the TV to watch the countdown. As the ball reached the bottom Seth kissed me sweetly, and we both smiled. We continued to talk a while with his parents, and eat cookies that his mom made. After a while, I needed to leave to get home. It would make sense for me to stay the night to avoid any drunk drivers, but my parents would never allow that. As soon as I departed I already missed him. I missed playing with his hair and earlobes, and teasing him because of his baby pictures. I missed his voice and the way he held my hand. Most of all I missed the looks he would give me. Every once in a while I would look over and catch him giving me these looks of adoration and love. Something in his eyes spoke to me what words couldn't express. He's a great person with great intentions, and an even greater heart. My birthday is this Saturday, and Seth insists we go out. He wants to take me to one of his favorite bakeries in the city, then I want to show him a mineral/fossil store that I love. Then we'll maybe do a museum and dinner, then head home. It meant a lot to me that he insisted we go out for my birthday. He knows my family doesn't do much to celebrate my birthday, and wanted to still make it special for me. It was extremely sweet of him. That soft side of him is something not a lot of people see. Seth is very rough around the edges, and he isn't for everyone. He tends to be a bit crass and harsh in the things he says. But on the inside he is one of the sweetest people I've ever met. After I got home, I asked Seth what his parents thought of me. His mother thought I was very sweet, and his father was impressed with how openly I spoke my mind and shared different opinions. It meant a lot for his parents to like me and genuinely enjoy having me over.
While 2018 was a crazy year for me, I hope 2019 is filled with even more positive things for me to write about on here. My New Year's resolution is to learn how to love and accept myself. I've never given myself much value, and I want to change that. 2019 is going to be a big year, and I'll look back and read this on New Year's Day in 2020. I want to be able to accomplish my goals and become a better me. In doing this I feel like I will finally learn to be happy, and happiness is truly all I want from life.