Memento Vivere

I've been feeling overwhelmed. I don't know how to put all of my stress into words, but I wish I did. My relationship with my sub has ended in a very unpleasant way. He and I parted ways and ended things on a good note but he refuses to leave things be. He became very nasty and began attacking my character, and saying things that were out of line. I ended up having to block his number because of the inordinate amount of texts I would get from him in short spans of time. So dealing with that "break up" has been stressful.
My mom has also been pushing a full time job with me. I still don't understand the purpose of stressing myself out with a full time job that doesn't benefit my life or career. I have an interview tomorrow for a job that would have hours from 2pm - 10pm. I would have to do my hours at the lab in the mornings from 9am - 1pm twice a week in addition to the full time job. That would equate to my days starting at 7am and not getting home until 11pm. My mom sees no issue with this.
Seth and I have had almost no time together in the couple months because of my mom cracking down on my "social life". I very rarely see any of my friends and it makes me so sad. I wish I could go on road trips or out to a bar or be reckless for a night and not get penalized. I want to be a normal 23yr old. I depend on drugs to help me stay "normal" and stable. Every night I wish I didn't need them. I feel as if I'm crumbling inside. I keep on a facade of strength and sarcasm and somewhat happiness, but it gets tiring. Some nights I tell people I'm going to bed early and just lay there in bed letting my mind run wild with anxiety and depressive thoughts and feelings. I think about all of the things I regret in life, and all of things I wish I had done. I get angry at myself for choosing certain paths and allowing myself to waste time on certain people. I would give anything to go back in time and tell myself not to make those decisions. I drive myself crazy with thoughts that I can't control. Every night I drug myself up just so I can sleep. I hate who I am and what I've become. Sometimes I'm ok, and sometimes I'm not. Sometimes I feel as if no one knows me, but sometimes I also feel like people know me too well. If only there were an easy way to hit the reset button on life.