Circling back to my personal life for a moment, I'm excited to get out of the room I've been in for a decade and into something new. It'll take about a month for things to be done but once it's all pieced together it'll be amazing. I'll be moving to the upper floor into a finished attic. It has much more space, privacy, and storage for my various items and clothing. I've been dreaming about it for years since my mom suggested it and it's finally happening. It'll be a headache to be displaced for so long, but I think it'll be worth it. It feels like the start of something bigger and better. I'm moving into a new space, starting graduate school in a matter of months, and am well on my way to paying off my car in under 2yrs. I'm not completely satisfied with where I am in the big picture of life but it's a work in progress. I figured by now I'd already have a graduate degree and a serious relationship and possibly even a place of my own. But life happens and plans oftentimes don't actually happen at the pace we would like. While I'm not totally happy with where I am, I'm still optimistic about what's to come. I work my ass off at several different jobs just so I can have a better future for myself and hopefully do the things I've dreamed of since I was a kid. I want a graduate degree, a job I love, a serious partner to settle down with, and a promising future. I know everything comes in due time so I'm trying not to focus on what I don't have, and instead on what I do have.
On another note, things with Seth and I have been a little tense. We try to see each other once a week but he's extremely strict with keeping distance and always wearing a mask around each other. He refuses to loosen up with things and to some extent I get it. His parents are older and therefore more susceptible to getting the virus in a severe way. However, things seem to be on the decline and we're in the early "phases" of opening the city back up again. I want him to finally relax and at least allow me to hold his hand or just touch him. I haven't had actual contact with him going on 3 months, and it sucks. It goes beyond just attraction. I want to feel loved and see that sweet side of him who loves to cuddle and hold my hand and kiss my head. I would forgo the sexual aspect of things just to have a day where I could hug him again. I miss how he feels and smells and breathes. I miss crawling into his bed and taking a nap together or putting on our favorite show to watch together. I miss drinking peach Snapple in his bed after having sex. It's the stupid little things that really do mean the most, and I miss them all. I feel like he isn't willing to relax even the slightest bit because he's so paranoid. I keep telling him that there's a difference between caution and paranoia, but it does nothing but aggravate him which in turn aggravates me. Right now we haven't really spoken in a couple days. It's partially because I've been so busy packing and moving, but it's also because our conversations always seem to loop back around to us missing each other and me telling him he needs to relax with the restrictions. I wouldn't say we've fought about it, but there's been lingering tension that neither one of us knows how to solve. He thinks I'm foolish and I think he's paranoid. It's something that we've agreed to disagree on, but it's still causing problems. I don't know when I'll actually be able to be with him again in a normal setting. When I was over last weekend I saw his sister for the first time since quarantine and it was nice. Along with her came one of their dogs who is the sweetest and doofiest bulldog I've ever met, but she can still be rather intimidating when she wants to be. She immediately ran up to me because she was so excited to see me after so long. I still have yet to see the other two dogs they have, but at least seeing her for a while made me happy. I suppose over all it isn't an ideal situation, but really none of this is. Quarantine is driving people insane, and so are the recent world events. Sometimes it feels like the world around us is collapsing and on fire (literally), but it'll pass. It may pass like a kidney stone, but it'll pass.
Here's the oh-so-loved music section. We all need a bit of an escape right now so I'll throw in a few bonus songs on top of the bonus songs I've already been posting. Hopefully 15 songs is enough to keep your minds busy for a little while.
T.O. (I recommend the whole album but this is my personal favorite)
Stars (one of my favorite songs of all time)
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