The Dubious Realist

My emotions have been all over the map. I've been grumpy, stressed, confident, manic, yet composed. The stress of this semester has been getting to me. I hadn't taken my medication in a couple weeks, and I knew that I had to start again. I thought maybe I didn't need them, but clearly I still do. I had a woman at work the other day who treated me, my manager, and a close coworker of mine very poorly - cursing and being obnoxious. Things were thrown and words were said, but I kept my composure and made her go away. But that night, I was up until 4am. She triggered that manic side of me that can stay up all night like it's normal. I was up studying, watching tv, playing with the cats, and looking at old photos. I hadn't been like that in a while so it was weird when it came back. That's when I realized it was the lack of medication. Although I had started taking it again a couple nights before, it needed time to build up in my system. I was grumpy when I saw Josh, but I knew it would get better as the days went on and my medication would settle down in my system. I feel alright now, but stressed. The talk of grades and applying to programs and registering for classes has my anxiety through the roof. I try to pretend it isn't bad but sometimes it feels like my heart is in my stomach and like I'm trapped. I can't help but think the worst. I have to just stop and breathe. Even writing about my anxiety gives me anxiety.
As I'm sitting in the quiet of my house just before 1am typing this, I can still feel an impending doom. I don't know how else to describe it. It's a calm time around me right now, but I still feel as if something bad is going to happen. Things won't go according to plan, and I'll disappoint myself and everyone around me. I've wasted my parents hard earned money on flip-flopping between majors and schools. I'm supposed to be graduating this year with a BA, but I don't even have enough for a decent Associate Degree. I could probably round up all of the bullshit classes I've taken and roll that up into a liberal arts degree, but what the fuck is an Associates in Liberal Arts going to get me? My parents have spent thousands and thousands of dollars sending me to school and this is the best I've got. A liberal arts degree, maybe. I sometimes remember back to a fight my mom and I had years ago, and I'm sure she's forgotten this by now. But we were arguing, and she called me a failure. That's why I'm so afraid of the word. I've worked hard to get ahead in Anatomy and Physiology, but I'm barely keeping my head above water. Part of me regrets leaving my psychology degree in the dust and switching. I was halfway there. I was good at it. I would have been accepted into the Masters Degree Program easily. I would have gotten my Master's Degree in 5yrs, and been able to go out into the world holding some sort of an advanced degree. But instead I decided to take a path that wasn't so clear and easy, and I don't know if it will pay off. I've heard several sayings about how taking the harder path is more rewarding, but I'm not sure if those are realistic. The silence around me is deafening, and I'm trying not to listen to the whispers of doubt in my head. I've always been, and always will be a realist.