Thinking Out Loud

I've been seeing a new side of life lately. As my grades improve, so does my life in general. The progressing relationship with Josh confirms that my life is amazing. Even if my life doesn't follow the exact map I have laid out, it's ok. Why is it ok? Because I know Josh will always be by my side. Even though my life is still stressful at parts, it isn't uncertain. A year ago, I didn't know where my future would lead me, and if I'd like it. It's hard to put into words I suppose. Knowing Josh will be in my future relieves stress. I know I will always have an amazing man who loves me and cares about me no matter what. Our relationship is exactly the definition of one that will last. Josh does everything and anything for me, and I do what I can in return. My life went from having question marks and unknowns, to having periods and finite answers. I thrive on love. It motivates me and makes me feel that everything will work out in due time. The first 2 decades of my life had many ups and downs, but now entering my 21st year in a couple months, I'm confident. Even though I've gained a few pounds, I'm ok with it. I don't look perfect all the time (far from it), and I don't care. I don't apologize for my sense of humor or overly sarcastic tendencies. I've learned to love myself more because I saw someone else out there could love me just the way I was. Call us crazy, but Josh and I have been seriously talking about a wedding. My dress, venues, colors, everything. I even have a date picked out in my head. Something in me just knows he's the one. Every minute I spend with him just confirms that thought. God works in mysterious ways. I've been through hell and back to be standing where I am today. My past made me who and what I am right now, and for that I'm grateful. I'm stronger than I was a year ago today, and I sure as hell am happier.

Calcaneus

As the days pass, I realize how quickly the semester is going. Some things are familiar to me, and some are not. However I have something this semester that I didn't have last time. I have someone who helps me and let's me study and focus on what I need to do. Josh has been such a major help in everything I've accomplished this semester. I just took my second lab test today, and I felt more confident than I ever had before. I knew a solid 85%, then made educated guesses on the rest. I've never been able to look anatomy and physiology in the eyes and take it on like that. I was beyond nervous and knew that if this test didn't go well, I'd have a problem. But I walked in, took my answer sheet, then went to each station confident and proud of what I knew. As I covertly glanced at other people's papers, I saw they left almost half of them blank. That boosted my confidence even more. I was able to spell things correctly, accurately distinguish different bones, and was even able to label things I couldn't do last year. I had a dream last night before the test that I got my grades back and I did well, and I was accepted into the official practical nursing program. I was so happy, but so sad to wake up and see I wasn't there yet. But I know that as long as I keep doing what I'm doing, I should be OK.
Last semester fucked me up in more ways than one, but it also helped me. It helped me to find myself emotionally, begin to heal, and to start cultivating a better relationship with my parents. I've become a better person. I feel as if right now, I am who I was always meant to be. I feel liberated in every way possible. I finally have control over my own life, and it feels amazing. I found someone who is not only my significant other, but also one of my best friends. I count my blessings every day when I text Josh and reflect on our relationship. We're coming up on our first Christmas together, and I can't wait. I've already finished a majority of the shopping for him, and I even have ideas for his birthday. We're a power couple, and I know it. I remember seeing him online for the first time and wondering why he wasn't taken already. Josh was perfect, and he still is.
Experiencing a real relationship like this makes me wonder what I ever saw in JP. But there is one thing I will always remember him saying, because it's true. He would tell me that he was just a stepping stone, and I'd move on. I didn't think it was true, and I don't think he wanted to believe it. But JP was actually right. I've advanced miles from where I was with him. And he's still face down in the dirt - in the same place he's always been, and always will be. Some people are made for greatness, while others are just made to exist. I know exactly which one I am.

Just a Small Spot

My mom and I were talking today after I got home from a city date with Josh. We were talking about how she has strange pains and has been losing weight without even trying. She even eats fast food at least once a week and still is losing weight pretty quickly. To most, that would be awesome and they wouldn't question it, but my mom isn't most people. Her father (my grandfather) died when she was only 18 from pancreatic cancer. My mom is a smoker and that put her at a high risk for cancer as well. She told me today that when she went for a routine lung scan about 6 months ago, they found a small spot. They said it was too small to biopsy yet, so she would need to come back in about 3 months to check for any growth and go from there. Here we are 6 months later and she still hasn't gone back. With her dad's history of aggressive cancer, it makes me uneasy. I downplayed it and told her should go back, but didn't panic. My dad already has had cancer and is still undergoing regular scans to make sure he's in complete remission. I don't need or want another parent with cancer. My mom didn't inherit the best genes from her mother or father. They both died before the average life expectancy and had health issues. It worries me, but I didn't want to let her see that. She's freaking out enough as it is on her own. I had no idea about the spot until today. It makes me wonder if there's anything else she's hiding regarding her health. With her weight loss she said she feels like she's "wasting away to nothing" while not even trying. Cancer cells deplete the body of nutrients and resources, so the actual healthy tissue don't have much to feed off of. That's why a lot of cancer patients lose an incredible amount of weight in a relatively short period. My mom just went for a full abdominal scan and it came back clean, but the next step is the lungs. It makes me nervous. I have such a long history of cancer in my family that it isn't even funny. Cancer isn't something you can dodge most of the time. My father's side of the family is cursed by breast cancer. My grandmother from that side and all of her sisters had it, and my aunt was diagnosed a couple years ago. It doesn't bode well for me. If my mom has cancer, I don't know what I'll do. We've been talking so much more than we used to; about her childhood, various family issues, her opinions, and even the relationship between her and my father. I'm finally getting to that relationship with her that's like a close friend. We aren't there yet, but I like the direction it's going. I've already dealt with so much loss and pain in my life that I don't know if I can do it again if something were to happen. I've lost more than half my family and a lot of friends, and I miss them all. I don't deal well with loss. I never have. Because of that, I find it hard to let go of things, thus why my room is cluttered. I pray nothing is wrong with my mom and it's just some weird aches and pains, and the spot was just a fluke. I can't lie, I'm freaked out. It seems like every time my world is falling into place, something pops up and happens to knock it off course again.

It's All Just Temporary

I had my first day of classes back from the whole week I had off. I was exhausted and falling asleep in my morning lecture. That isn't like me. I've been so attentive this semester so far, so being off my game isn't a good thing. But I know why I was tired. I got about 8hrs of sleep, so it wasn't that. It was the fact that for the first time in a few nights I had no one to cuddle. I got used to Josh being right there all the time. I'd put my legs over him, cuddle his arm, and my favorite thing was just to simply spoon. Being able to roll over in the night and see the person you love is such an amazing feeling. They're right there next to you in their most vulnerable state, just sleeping peacefully. I watched him for at least a few minutes every night and fell asleep to his snores. It was comforting knowing that I had someone next to me. My pajama shirt still smells like him. Even if I slept partially naked, I'd still keep my shirt on. His scent is on that shirt and I'm wearing it right now. I bunch up the fabric, bring it to my face, and take a deep breath. I know he's the one.
I've changed so much in so many ways since he and I met. I'm so much happier, less shy, and more outspoken. I'm still reserved, but I'm much more likely to voice an opinion or do something a little quirky. My social anxiety is still bad, but I'm getting more comfortable talking to my classmates. Everyone around me has noticed my attitude change. Josh brightens up my world like no one ever has before. I decided to change my hair color. It's something I haven't done in years. I even got a substantial hair cut. I didn't just trim the ends, but I took off about 4in. My hair is long and it isn't noticeable to anyone but me, but I consider it short now. I now have about 3ft of auburn red hair, and I love it. I can express myself and do what I want. I feel free. When Josh and I were around each other constantly, there were moments we didn't speak. There were times where a conversation ended for a few minutes, but the beauty of it was that I didn't feel compelled to keep talking. I was happy to just sit in silence and enjoy his physical company. It wasn't an awkward silence by any means; it was a comfortable one.
Today my mom gave me a small pep talk before school. She saw I was tired and clearly not in the school mentality. She told me "it's all just temporary". I have to kick ass at school and just make it through the next few years. I feel like the same applies to Josh and I. We both know that we won't be apart down line, and our situation for right now is only temporary. I have to work hard to achieve my goals and make the perfect life for myself. I know that as a lawyer, Josh will be making a decent income. However, I refuse to be a housewife who does nothing and pulls no weight. I want to do what I've dreamt of for so long, and that's the goal I need to keep in mind. I have an entire folder of pictures on my phone entitled 'Motivation'. It has quotes, pictures from Montauk, and of course various pictures of Josh and I taken during our adventures together. My situation is only temporary. One day I'll wake up next to Josh and thank the Lord that I made it.

Snug

All good things come to an end. This saying couldn't be more true right now. I'm staring out the window as Josh, his parents and I are caravaning home from Montauk. The 4 days I spent here feels like 4 minutes. I was able to experience living with Josh, not just staying for a night. We shopped, shared fancy meals, cuddled, watched endless Netflix, and spent pretty much every moment together. It was just as magical as I thought it would be. I don't just love him like I have with my other boyfriends, but I can see myself married. I can see the life we'd have together and it's awesome. His parents are looking into buying a beach house out here and that would be my dream for Josh and I. Together I know we can be successful.
Our last day here (yesterday), was the best day I think. We did some shopping, had lunch with his parents, watched the sunset, and went back to the hotel. We had attempted to roll a couple of joints the days prior, but they didn't turn out so well. We finished about half a joint and decided to call it quits. We instead made drinks, mac n cheese, and had snacks while watching Netflix. We skipped a fancy dinner to just do us and it felt great. I felt like that's what our marriage would be like. Fancy dinners are nice, but I'd gladly take some mac n cheese and Netflix. We hung out and got tipsy and finished a series on Netflix before getting into bed. I bought us some dvd's, and we watched one and got frisky. It was so nice to have our own space. We didn't have to worry about someone walking in or coming home unexpectedly. We did what we wanted to do, when we wanted to do it. It was all up to us. The next we're going to have an extended sleepover like we just had would be next summer when his family comes out here again. It's usually for a week or two so it'll be longer than the short stay this time. Josh and I broke barriers that we hadn't crossed before in front of each other. And after living together and seeing each other in our rawest form, we still want to be with each other. This small vacation was a very important milestone for our relationship. His parents say they adore and love me, and I feel the same about them. This relationship is perfect in every way possible. I've found my perfect man and the perfect life. I still have struggles, as does everyone; but it'll be much easier to persevere because I know what my life is going to look like in 10 years.
Last night, I opened our back door around 1am and just stood there for a while. It was quiet, and all you heard were gentle splashes of water. The air was crisp and smelled like salt and fish. Some people would find that displeasing, but I grew up alongside a beach. Even the smell of low tide makes me smile. I stood there staring across into the marina as the boats were bobbing softly, and tried to take a mental picture. I noted the smells and sounds and sights. I turned around and Josh was in bed, telling me to join him. I took one last deep inhale and closed the door. I hope I never forget that mental picture.

Flight of the Valkyrie

The 2016 New York Comic Con officially ended today. I had been looking forward to it for 2yrs, since I had missed it last year. I spent time with Leo, Andrea, and Josh. It was Josh's first rodeo with a convention of any kind so it was fun to throw him into my world. I love NYCC. I loved it from the very first time I went years ago. I like the little booths and shops and costumes, but my favorite thing is being able to be myself without judgement. There are men dressed as women, women in revealing outfits, people with props bigger than them, and everyone looks like a complete dork. But no one cares. They don't care if you're overweight or the costume doesn't look perfect or your makeup isn't just so. It's about having fun and enjoying yourself. I went mostly casual for my first day on Saturday, but today I had a full costume. Hat, skirt, thigh highs, ruffle top, and I didn't feel insecure. I never wear skirts because of how self conscious I am. At NYCC I didn't care about what other people thought because I know we're all from the same dorky world. Strangers going up to each other asking for pictures or striking up conversations about a common fandom, and just being all around accepting. I'm not a person who easily fits in. I have to change myself slightly when I'm at school or work. I can't be uncensored and weird. I can't just break into anime references or curse excessively or dress up as an anime character. NYCC is the one weekend a year that I don't feel self conscious about what I like or enjoy. If I want to dress up as a cute/sexy giraffe, why not?
I love the feeling of being free. I'm leaving with Josh in a few days to head out on our mini vacation, and I'll be free once again. However, I still have school in the back of my mind. Stress never quite leaves me, I'm only momentarily distracted.

America's Sweetheart

Sometimes I like to think about the past and remember my mentality at certain points. I recall back only a year or two ago thinking that every guy I dated, I destroyed. They were fucked up after me. They dropped out of school, became heavy into drugs and drinking, and were all around societal failures. I thought it was me that caused that. When I reflect on it looking back now, it wasn't me at all. It was the guys I was choosing for myself. I dated guys for reasons I'm still not sure of, and thought that their failures were my doing. It wasn't me, it was who I surrounded myself with. Coming to that realization is freeing. I'm always hard on myself and think I should be better than what I am (and I think everyone is like this). But to realize that something isn't your fault after thinking for so long that it was is such a good feeling. I'm in a better place than I've ever been in my memorable life. Because of the positivity, my head is cleared of the negative fog and has shown me what life is. I've grown into myself as a person. I think I'm very different than who I was only a year ago. People close to you have the power to change you, whether good or bad. I was twisted into a person I wasn't. Passive, quiet, suppressed, and conservative. Now at times I can't shut up and I'm bubbly and happy and have a mouth on me that I'm not ashamed of. Josh brought me back into the positive light of life, and I have so much to thank him for. He'll never understand or see the person I was, because she doesn't exist anymore. I don't fuck people's lives up and I'm not a bad person. I'm not a passive little girl who takes everyone's shit. I'm proud to be who I am and I'm finally comfortable in my own skin.