Because I'm (Un)Happy

It's almost 5am and my mind is restless. I worked till 12:45am today. I drove home, listened to music, and couldn't wait to just lay down. But now that I'm in bed, I just can't sleep.
A coworker and I went out for lunch together today. His name is Gurmeet. He's probably my favorite coworker. We take jabs at each other all day at work but we really do care about each other. Last time we went out to lunch he opened up to me about how he was bullied as a kid and his early childhood. This time we got on the topic of school and told him my situation. He was in a similar position a couple years ago with his parents. They wanted him to be a doctor but he just wasn't into pre-med. He tried to make it work but he actually started to think suicidal thoughts. That's when he had to sit his parents down and tell them he couldn't do it. His dad told him how disappointed he was. But now Gurmeet is so happy. He has a perfect GPA and is studying what he loves. He told me he actually feels happy and excited in his classes. I haven't felt like that in a couple of years. I loved psych. I took a psych class last semester but it was a repeat of a class I had already taken so I didn't learn anything new. I was always so happy and looked forward to learning. Gurmeet told me that it might really suck and it'll probably hurt, but I have to just talk to my parents and explain to them that nursing just isn't for me. Gurmeet wasted about $45k on tuition for pre-med over the course of a year. So while I may have wasted more time, he wasted more money. The hour flew by and I to go back to work, and he had to head home. He made me promise that I'd talk to my parents before Christmas. I know I have to, but it's so terrifying. My mind keeps going over possible reactions and outcomes and it's hard to get it out of my brain so I can sleep. Gurmeet told me that once he told his parents about how he felt, the weight of the world was lifted from his shoulders and he felt so much better. It hasn't even been a full week since I've decided for sure what I'm doing and it's killing me. I know they'll be disappointed but I can't push myself this hard over one class. Today I got affirmation from yet another person that I needed to do what was best for me and I'm making the right choice. I really am thankful to have a friend like Gurmeet. We keep each other sane at work and grounded out in real life. There are only a select few in this world who I open up to, and it's nice to know they all have my back.

The Little Engine That Couldn't

Today yielded many answers. I met with an advisor at my college and explained my situation and concerns. She was very nice and took her time explaining things. We spoke for about 45 minutes, and reviewed different outcomes and possibilities. The only way nursing would be possible would be if I pulled a B next semester, nothing less. I'm working my ass off and stressing myself out beyond belief all for barely a C. I can't realistically pull it off, and I know that. I know my limits now, and I have to move on. I hate to admit defeat. It isn't something I've really ever done before. I've always had a fire in me to keep moving forward and fight as hard as I could. That fire was partially extinguished today. I officially dropped my anatomy class for next semester and replaced it with things I needed. As long as I complete those requirements, I'll be walking in June to accept a diploma. It's only an associates, and I don't know if I should even both walking across the stage and wasting people's time and money on such a stupid thing. I'll be transferring to another local senior college for the Fall 2017 semester. The advisor told me that getting my Associates would avoid a lot of hassle with the transfer, and I'm only 9 credits away so why not. Next semester consists of a history class, archery, yoga, Italian, and an abnormal psychology class. The only challenging thing will be Italian but I'm pretty sure I can scrape by. There are a lot of emotions since I came from that meeting hours and hours and hours ago. Anxiety, panic, depression, happiness, doubt, relief. All rolled up into one human being. My parents still don't know. They don't even know I met with an advisor today. I'm going to give it a week, maybe even two before I tell them. I want to talk to my therapist and make sure I have my head straight. I know this was the right choice but I'm not sure what they'll see. I have a feeling my mom will be slightly disappointed but understand. My dad is another story. He pushes so hard and gets angry when he thinks I'm not living up to my potential. Chaos ensued when I transfered schools and majors for the first time. I can't imagine again. But when I complete my BA, I want to continue on to a MA, then maybe even a PhD one day - I have dreams. But the flame I used to have to guide me through the dark now feels like it's barely a flicker of embers.

When Penguins Fly

I've taken a few days to seriously contemplate my options. I understand that I'm not out of the race yet, but it's a very small chance I'll be accepted into the nursing program. Why waste another entire semester on something that won't further my quest for a degree? I've been thinking about possibly transferring to a local senior college where my mom and her mom went. Fate works in mysterious ways I suppose. It should be an easy transfer, but I need to speak to my advisor. He'll have a better idea of how to do this and what I should do in the mean time. I think this is the right step. It makes sense in my head. I spoke to a few of my lab partners today and they agree with my idea. One of them also has a small likelihood of making the nursing program so she may just continue the path she was on before switching. She and I are in the same boat. Our families put a lot of pressure on us to do well and it just isn't working. She and I have both busted our asses and have stayed mediocre. She's a math whiz and it comes easy to her, which is why she's going that route. She enjoys it and it isn't something that drives her crazy with stress. It's the same situation with myself and psychology. It's always come easy and I genuinely do enjoy it. I just felt like maybe I needed more of a push or a challenge. I went for a challenge and found that maybe it wasn't the right fit. I'm sure some penguins out there look up at the sky and want to fly up into the air. But they can't. It isn't necessarily a bad thing; it's just the way things are. The toughest part is going to be my parents. I'm going to tell my mom that my advisor didn't think I'd make the program and suggested I focus my energy elsewhere, which I know he's going to say anyway. It scares me. I'm turning 21 and I still don't know in which direction my life is headed. Josh is the only certain thing I know. Every other aspect of my future is a toss up.

Winter Vibes

Enjoying the fun part of life is the only thing helping me to maintain my sanity. I saw Josh today per usual and we had the house to ourselves. We made Dino nuggets and mac n cheese, and talked and laughed about how we're supposed to be adults. We left for Manhattan a little while later with his friend and his date. We made it to the city and they saw a show while Josh and I went to the Winter Village at Bryant Park. Josh and I actually took a picture where he and I had our first kiss so many months ago. It was coincidence that we parked in the same garage, but it was so sweet remembering back to then. Anyway, Andrea was able to make it into the city too so we all hung out together. One of my favorite things was seeing Andrea and Josh interact. They get along perfectly and I couldn't ask for a better dynamic between them. We peeked into the stores, bought a couple hot chocolates, and walked around. We met his friend and his date again, along with another of Josh's friends. We all grouped together and the 6 of us went to dinner at a nice Italian place in midtown. I had 2 cranberry vodkas, enjoyed the family style food, conversation, and laughs. I couldn't have asked for it to go any better. I got home past midnight then baked something for a coworker's birthday. It's just past 3am and I'm finally in bed. I had a day somewhat free from stress. But that never seems to last very long.

Step 1 - Acceptance

My stress isn't getting any better. I've spoken to Josh and my therapist about it, and they both say they see how hard I'm working. I drive myself insane studying and taking notes and doing what I can. It just isn't enough. The last couple weeks I've been bleeding out of my asshole. Probably hemorrhoids, but I just don't have the time to go to the doctor. Even on days where I don't have classes or work, I am studying and writing papers and doing chores and taking notes. Today was the worst I've felt in a while. I felt so weak and out of it. I had to walk in the rain to and from therapy and it was miserable. I felt detached and tired. The 40min journey home felt like 4hrs. This is where I am with my health. My mental health is taking a blow and so is my physical health now. I'm working myself so hard and getting nowhere productive. I've wasted so many years and so much effort on things that in the end aren't going to matter. I've been pondering a lot of what-ifs recently. What if I never switched majors? What if I decided to go to my current college instead of my first choice in high school? What if I never met JP? What if my life had turned out normal? What if I weren't so compromised mentally? Where would I be? What would I be doing? Who would I be with, if anyone? When would I have graduated college and with what degree? There are so many questions I ask myself, but seldom can I ever answer them.
Some people are good are english and psychology and art, while others are good at math and science and technology. That's what my therapist said today. I've always been exceedingly good in the arts. It's always come as second nature. I can write an entire paper in a couple of hours and get an A. However, the sciences have never come easy to me. Math has been my downfall since high school. The only class I ever failed in high school was Marine Biology, and I came VERY close to failing human biology. I can want something so bad it hurts, but that doesn't mean I'm going to achieve it. I'm busting my ass and doing what I can to try and make it work, but I just can't. Maybe I should transfer to a cheap senior college, gather the credits I have, and finish out the last 2yrs of a psych degree, or maybe even english. I can do that without a problem. Some things aren't meant to be. I still have the rest of the semester to fight and try to make the nursing program, but right now the chances are slim. This might just be one of the few times in my life that I have to accept a failure.

Pursue Better

My anxiety has been getting worse as the semester progressing. I'm studying and working as hard as possible, and my grades aren't reflecting it. I've been lying to my parents about my grades. My dad is disappointed when I say I got an 85 on an exam, meanwhile my highest grade has been a 76. I'm averaging around a D right now. The more I think about it, the more panicked I get. I'm technically passing the class, but I need a C. I need it in order to continue along the nursing path I've dreamed of. If I don't make the C, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm trying not to think about it, but it's hard not to think about something you study often. Even right now my anxiety is around a 7/10. I have so many things in my life to be happy about, but I feel like I can't really sit back and enjoy it because I'm failing. I'm working hard and losing sleep and stressing myself out for absolutely nothing. I feel like a lost cause. I've had a few dreams that take place years in the future where Josh is the main bread winner. He has a real job with his graduate degree, while I'm working a low paying bullshit job with my useless college education. The thoughts haunt me. I never want to be seen as someone who is relying on someone else to take care of them. I've always pitied those women who let the man do the work while they do next to nothing. I want to be in a partnership, not a leeching relationship. I want to be someone who does something. If I don't make this work, I've wasted so much of my parent's money. I refuse to be a failure, but it seems like no matter how hard I try, I'm just not making it.

The Dubious Realist

My emotions have been all over the map. I've been grumpy, stressed, confident, manic, yet composed. The stress of this semester has been getting to me. I hadn't taken my medication in a couple weeks, and I knew that I had to start again. I thought maybe I didn't need them, but clearly I still do. I had a woman at work the other day who treated me, my manager, and a close coworker of mine very poorly - cursing and being obnoxious. Things were thrown and words were said, but I kept my composure and made her go away. But that night, I was up until 4am. She triggered that manic side of me that can stay up all night like it's normal. I was up studying, watching tv, playing with the cats, and looking at old photos. I hadn't been like that in a while so it was weird when it came back. That's when I realized it was the lack of medication. Although I had started taking it again a couple nights before, it needed time to build up in my system. I was grumpy when I saw Josh, but I knew it would get better as the days went on and my medication would settle down in my system. I feel alright now, but stressed. The talk of grades and applying to programs and registering for classes has my anxiety through the roof. I try to pretend it isn't bad but sometimes it feels like my heart is in my stomach and like I'm trapped. I can't help but think the worst. I have to just stop and breathe. Even writing about my anxiety gives me anxiety.
As I'm sitting in the quiet of my house just before 1am typing this, I can still feel an impending doom. I don't know how else to describe it. It's a calm time around me right now, but I still feel as if something bad is going to happen. Things won't go according to plan, and I'll disappoint myself and everyone around me. I've wasted my parents hard earned money on flip-flopping between majors and schools. I'm supposed to be graduating this year with a BA, but I don't even have enough for a decent Associate Degree. I could probably round up all of the bullshit classes I've taken and roll that up into a liberal arts degree, but what the fuck is an Associates in Liberal Arts going to get me? My parents have spent thousands and thousands of dollars sending me to school and this is the best I've got. A liberal arts degree, maybe. I sometimes remember back to a fight my mom and I had years ago, and I'm sure she's forgotten this by now. But we were arguing, and she called me a failure. That's why I'm so afraid of the word. I've worked hard to get ahead in Anatomy and Physiology, but I'm barely keeping my head above water. Part of me regrets leaving my psychology degree in the dust and switching. I was halfway there. I was good at it. I would have been accepted into the Masters Degree Program easily. I would have gotten my Master's Degree in 5yrs, and been able to go out into the world holding some sort of an advanced degree. But instead I decided to take a path that wasn't so clear and easy, and I don't know if it will pay off. I've heard several sayings about how taking the harder path is more rewarding, but I'm not sure if those are realistic. The silence around me is deafening, and I'm trying not to listen to the whispers of doubt in my head. I've always been, and always will be a realist.