Hit It

Kevin picked me up around 1 today. We got in the car, and went to go buy his weed. We sat in the car waiting for his dealer to do the exchange. Kevin and I talked and laughed and joked around. I found out why he didn't come into work. Apparently his brother was on suicide watch and then disappeared. His family was in a panic searching for him, and so Kevin didn't have work as first priority. I understood his position, and he is supposedly on good terms with our boss. Kevin may be called in sometimes to fill in when needed, but nothing permanent. Our manager is more pissed off than our big boss over this. Anyway, he didn't want to talk about work, so we avoided the topic. We instead spoke of movies, music, food, and smoking. His dealer eventually came by, and we got what we needed. After the exchange, Kevin wanted to pick up some drinks for when we smoke (he said I would be thirty). I ran into the shoppe, and he bought a couple cigars to make the joint. JP was working, and I surprised him from behind. We hugged and laughed a lot and I told him I was smoking for the first time with Kevin. He didn't seem to take it as a big deal until I left. He texted me telling me to be careful, and seemed worried. JP said that Kevin told him he just wanted to "hit it" (meaning me) and nothing more. I won't lie, that kinda hurt. I told JP we were just hanging out as friends, and I didn't really like Kevin like that anymore. This was happening for a little while before I smoked. Kevin told me to search for a movie to watch while he rolled us a couple of blunts. I texted JP while he worked on the blunts. We decided to watch a bootleg copy of American Hustle. Kevin was patient and taught me how to smoke. I inhaled way too much the first time, and so I was coughing a lot. Kevin laughed and then said to go smaller. I did, and I began to feel it. Then he decided to help me shotgun. He cupped his hands, exhaled into them, then I put my mouth up to his hands and inhaled. My legs felt weird. They were attached to my body, but not. I was happy and relaxed and enjoying laying there with Kevin. The movie was kind of boring, so we changed it to Now You See Me. We were talking a bit and laughing. He had a double bed, so it was tight fitting us both. We laid close, but didn't touch sexually. Our legs and arms touched, and I heard his breathing. I kind of wanted to kiss him, and I had the opportunity many times. My mind kept going back to what JP said about him just wanting to "hit it". I didn't act on my impulses, but it seems as if JP doesn't want anything to do with me after this. He said I'm playing a game by talking to him and hanging out with Kevin. I tried to explain myself, but he said to stop texting him. I'm not going to see him or speak to him again until I work the closing shift on Saturday. I'll see if maybe I can hang out after work for a bit and talk to him about this. I like JP, a lot. But Kevin is also my friend who I like to hang out with. I think Kevin is attractive, but after hearing he just wants to "hit it", I'm not getting involved with him in a romantic way. I only hope JP and I can work this out.

Joy, Pain, Love

The concert was everything I imagined. The music was great, the atmosphere was perfect, and the weather was perfect. However, Bambi wasn't as thrilled. Ever since I got the tickets for the concert, he insisted on coming with me. He wasn't particularly interested in the music, but instead just hanging out with me. Kyle was also interested in going and was legitimately interested in the music, but I decided to pick Bambi just to avoid conflict. The opening band was American Authors. Their music is very upbeat and is more pop-ish than Bambi is into. Through their entire act, he sat there looking miserable and depressed. After their set was done, there was a small intermission before The Script was coming on. I asked him what he thought of the music so far, and he began to pick apart their sound system and say how crappy it was. I'm sure Bambi knows much better than professional audio engineers, right? Yea..So I told Bambi that they know best, and he continued to be very pessimistic. His attitude in general just brought my hype down. The first half of The Script performance wasn't enjoyable. I was just annoyed and put off by the fact that Bambi was being such a dick. He didn't seem to appreciate the fact I chose to bring him over someone who would have genuinely enjoyed the music. Through the whole rest of The Script, he tried cheering me up. I ignored him and let the music speak to me. I sang along and clapped and had fun. My mood was restored, and I put Bambi's actions behind me. When OneRepublic came out, I almost died. They're just so perfect. I knew every song, every beat, every word. By the end, I was feeling ridiculously happy and carefree. My mom picked us up at the end of the concert and we headed home. I passed out as soon as I got home. I had been up early for a 6-1 shift, so at that point I had been active for around 20 straight hours.
I woke up the next morning to a couple missed calls. They were from my manager. Ugh. I was supposed to be working a 11-4 shift, but I thought for sure he was calling to see if I could come in early. I ignored his calls and slept for another half hour. When I checked my phone again, I saw a text from him. He said he was giving me the day off. He knew I had a concert the night prior and I had asked to have the day off if possible. My manager said I still had to work, but he gave me a late shift (I didn't mind). I thanked him profusely for the day off. I had a horrible headache from the loud music, and was still exhausted. I ended up stopping by the shoppe anyway right before closing. I wanted to pick up some bagels, and see JP. He said he was looking forward to seeing me, but was upset when I didn't come into work. So I showed up and hung out for a bit. We ended up talking and hugging. He commented multiple times on how cute I looked. Before I left, he gave me a few cookies he had just baked (still warm) and gave me a big hug. He lifted me off the ground and spun me, then kissed my head. JP later texted me saying how me coming to visit really made his day. I really like JP, and I think I may actually be catching feelings for him.
Today was an interesting day. I spent the first half of it talking Bambi out of cutting and/or killing himself. He hadn't had a meltdown like that in a long time. He said he was pissed off and angry because I apparently treat him like shit and never admit when I'm wrong. He brought up the concert as a main focal point. Bambi insisted I was angry at him for no reason, and for simply having an opinion contradictory to my own about the music. I don't see it as such, but he thought I was being childish and stubborn. So he left school and made a pony show out of him heading home to harm himself. I spent hours trying to calm him down. I was volunteering with Mr. Caster today, but I was too busy talking to Bambi to actually pay much attention to the movie. I love watching the movies, and always put my phone on airplane mode to eliminate distraction. I was afraid if I did that today, Bambi wouldn't be there when I got back. I was able to talk him down, and watch the last half hour or so of the movie uninterrupted. I spent today also talking with JP. He suggested maybe slowing our relationship down a bit. He seems to be the one who initiates most flirting and physical interaction, but I let it be. JP seems to be very hard on himself saying that he always falls for girls that aren't right for him. He thinks I'm worth much more than what he can give right now. Putting that aside, I still love talking to him, and enjoy his company at work. I definitely like JP, there's no two ways about it. He likes me too. He said he's an impulsive person, and sometimes acts on feelings without thinking. I had a tendency to do that with Leo. I can't let that happen again. I won't let this get out of control.
Tomorrow I'm seeing Kevin. I just have to know what's going on with him. Why did he skip work with no notice? Is he going to get his job back? Can he and I still have a friendship without working together? All these questions can hopefully be answered in tomorrow's blog. Our plans for tomorrow are chill. He's going to teach me how to smoke (I'm going to smoke some pot for the *kinda* first time), then we're gonna just hang out and talk and watch movies at his place. It's weird not having him at work, and I've only spent 2 days working without him. I'm going to try and see if I can convince him to maybe come back. I need him there with me. He's my twinnie.