Into the Jungle

The semester has started and I'm already stressed beyond belief. I have school under control, but everything else is a mess. I haven't planned anything for photography club. I got really sick a couple days ago. I've been fighting with my mom. JP and I have been very up and down. I try to help him and do what I can to make him feel better when he's down, but it gets me no where. Just this morning I bought his wife a coffee to help get her in a better mood and ordered my own coffee the way JP likes it because I knew he'd be drinking most of it. Yet, I got scolded because someone hit me up on Facebook. We aren't even friends, but we have mutual friends. I don't know this guy, but JP insists it's probably someone I've fucked or are still fucking. Then he suddenly had to get home and left me on the side of the road to catch a bus instead of driving me 5 more minutes to the station himself. I try my hardest to be a good person to him and maintain by own integrity by not folding to his ridiculous ideas and theories. I actually went out on a limb and contacted a tv show with our situation about the suspected cheating and lying. I didn't think they would actually get back to me to be honest. But low and behold, I got a call last night saying to call them back when I got the message (I missed the initial call). I was thrilled. I immediately told JP and he was resistant. I don't exactly want to do this on tv, but hey, it gets us a free professional polygraph. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to prove my innocence and loyalty to JP.
On a happier note, I spent time with my dad when I was sick. I napped on the couch and he brought me fresh water and made me soup. Then we watched a movie (The Secret Life of Walter Mitty). We were commenting on it and discussing it like movie critics. It was fun and really sweet. I like hanging out with my dad like that. If only it would happen more often.

Anywhere

It's hard to blog when I have no idea what I'm going to write. I want to write everything and anything, but my fingers can only type so much. Recently I've been feeling weird. Depression is definitely there, but sometimes I feel a certain disconnect. I don't know how to describe it or even make it make sense to someone else. There are just some brief moments where I don't feel like I'm actually here in this world. I feel like a ghost who walks among humans. Social interaction is becoming increasingly difficult, even with my family. As soon as dinner ended, I headed up to my room and that's where I stayed up until now. I avoid contact and don't want to interact with anyone. I'd rather stay in bed and do whatever I wanted online. I could marathon a tv show, watch anime, make fun of dumb music videos, talk to my friends, take quizzes, or maybe even do some productive reading and research. Now that everyone is asleep, I'm awake. I came to get myself a glass of water and stalled out in the kitchen. It's dark outside, and the house is quiet. The only thing making a noise is a timer we have for our backyard light. Even as a kid, I remember that timer sound with its constant muffled ticking. I don't notice it anymore unless it's silent in the house. As I look around, I see different items belonging to the family. A party invitation for Erik, my father's glasses, my mom's purse, and even scattered dog toys. But where are my things? I haven't noticed it till now, but even my belongings have been migrating back to my room. I'm caving in on myself. I don't like being alone, but I'm isolating myself. I look around the house and remember the memories I've had here. Numerous birthdays and Christmases with my grandparents, sleeping over here every Friday night as a kid, and sitting in the old kitchen with my grandmother as she made coffee and breakfast. It was filled with so much positivity when I was growing up, but now I want to leave and run away as quickly as I can. I want to forget my worries and stresses and start living life how I want to live it. If I had the time and money, I would pack my bags, book a flight to Europe, and travel for at least a couple years (bringing JP with me of course). I'd live in each country for a little while, and take my sweet time exploring. I would meet my distant relatives, and visit a castle my mom's side of the family has. I'd take in the sights, smells, and tastes of every country and region. I don't want to think about school or work or family or anything anymore. I want to make myself happy. I've been crying too much lately; it isn't healthy. I can't even write a proper blog post anymore. My thoughts are everywhere and I can't stay focused long enough to make a coherent entry. Consider this post just another mindless collection of word vomit.

In Disarray

I just realized that pretty much the last 6 months of my life have been erased from the blog. Awesome. Let's do a quick recap shall we?
- My dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer
- I came out about my rape as a child
- I'm currently in therapy to help my depression and aid in my coping skills
- I no longer work at the bagel shoppe (I'm currently unemployed)
- I've been in a relationship with JP for almost 7 months. We're not exactly the most stable couple, but we love hard and fight hard.
- My depression has taken a serious down turn, and I literally forget to eat some days
- I have become an avid Taylor Swift fan

Ok, so now that that stuff is out there, let's get to it. I've been isolating myself a lot in the last couple days. I stay in my room, listen to music, watch videos, talk to friends, and stay in bed. I like being alone sometimes, especially away from my parents. My mom and I got into a bad fight a couple days ago and she told me to jump out into traffic because it would be easier and quicker than my current situation (having a B- GPA for last semester, and slowly turning into a depressed wreck). It hurt, but I put on the face of indifference and tried to shake it off. I want to take all the money I have and just do something crazy. I want to disappear out west for a while, or even leave the country entirely, I'm sick of life as it is. I want to love life again and feel inspired by the world around me. I can't even enjoyably take photos anymore. I feel like a terrible club president. I don't even have passion for my art anymore.
I was just in the middle of cleaning and Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran came on. I couldn't help but to sing along. I ended up serenading my cat. Even he doesn't seem to care about me anymore. He refuses to cuddle me or let me hug him, but he at least tolerates it when I cradle him like a baby. Why can't I even think? I feel like my thoughts are so scattered and in such disarray. Classes start back up in less than a week. Can I really kick ass this semester? Or am I going to fail, crash, and burn?

Paper Planes

My last few posts have been deleted yet again. With a bad memory like mine, I like to keep records of my life and its happenings. I haven't updated in a while because it's hard to gather thoughts when your mind just won't stop producing them. JP and I have been sort of up and down lately, but we were getting to a better place. We're working on  trust and having a better relationship.
I went bowling with my family a week ago. It wasn't our usual place, and it was a bit crowded. The family next to us had unruly children who kept using our balls (3/4 of us have custom balls), and touching our scoreboard controls. The last time I was beginning to lose my patience and removed the kids hand from the controls myself. JP and I had gotten into a little bit of spat before I went out, so I wasn't in the best mood. Slowly, I began to feel a bit better with my family though. Bowling has always been a family thing with us. My grandparents on my father's side were avid bowlers and were in a league together. I remember one time when I was little, they took me with them. I was clearly getting bored (it was a league member only session, so I couldn't bowl). My grandfather came to me and handed me a small stack of paper. He then taught me how to make paper airplanes. He showed me a couple times, then left me to practice on my own. I finished the entire stack of paper, and still couldn't make one that would fly right. My grandfather said it takes practice, and with practice, everything gets better. I don't know why that memory stuck with me, it just did. Anyway, while my family and I were bowling, the music they had on was a pre-teen/teen mix of Disney, KidsBop, and age appropriate songs. It was tolerable until Justin Beiber came on a couple times. At one point, Love Story by Taylor Swift came on. I haven't heard that song in forever, yet I knew the lyrics word for word. It took all I had not to break out into song. We finished, and I was impressed with myself. The first round I came in second with a 110, the second round I was dead last, but then I won the last round. Bowling is sort of therapeutic in a weird way. The sound of the balls hitting the lanes, the pins falling, and people laughing. It puts me in a happy place.
Since I last updated, a couple of things have happened. I turned 19. I found out I'm going to Cuba for a study abroad program during Spring Break. I started taking a medley of vitamins to help with my depression/overall health. My mom has become much more of a friend to me than I could have imagined. I gained true freedom to be able to go out somewhere without being questioned. And finally, I found out I'm not pregnant. A lot can happen in a matter of a week or so I suppose. Life has a funny way of changing things and always keeping us on our toes.