Anywhere

It's hard to blog when I have no idea what I'm going to write. I want to write everything and anything, but my fingers can only type so much. Recently I've been feeling weird. Depression is definitely there, but sometimes I feel a certain disconnect. I don't know how to describe it or even make it make sense to someone else. There are just some brief moments where I don't feel like I'm actually here in this world. I feel like a ghost who walks among humans. Social interaction is becoming increasingly difficult, even with my family. As soon as dinner ended, I headed up to my room and that's where I stayed up until now. I avoid contact and don't want to interact with anyone. I'd rather stay in bed and do whatever I wanted online. I could marathon a tv show, watch anime, make fun of dumb music videos, talk to my friends, take quizzes, or maybe even do some productive reading and research. Now that everyone is asleep, I'm awake. I came to get myself a glass of water and stalled out in the kitchen. It's dark outside, and the house is quiet. The only thing making a noise is a timer we have for our backyard light. Even as a kid, I remember that timer sound with its constant muffled ticking. I don't notice it anymore unless it's silent in the house. As I look around, I see different items belonging to the family. A party invitation for Erik, my father's glasses, my mom's purse, and even scattered dog toys. But where are my things? I haven't noticed it till now, but even my belongings have been migrating back to my room. I'm caving in on myself. I don't like being alone, but I'm isolating myself. I look around the house and remember the memories I've had here. Numerous birthdays and Christmases with my grandparents, sleeping over here every Friday night as a kid, and sitting in the old kitchen with my grandmother as she made coffee and breakfast. It was filled with so much positivity when I was growing up, but now I want to leave and run away as quickly as I can. I want to forget my worries and stresses and start living life how I want to live it. If I had the time and money, I would pack my bags, book a flight to Europe, and travel for at least a couple years (bringing JP with me of course). I'd live in each country for a little while, and take my sweet time exploring. I would meet my distant relatives, and visit a castle my mom's side of the family has. I'd take in the sights, smells, and tastes of every country and region. I don't want to think about school or work or family or anything anymore. I want to make myself happy. I've been crying too much lately; it isn't healthy. I can't even write a proper blog post anymore. My thoughts are everywhere and I can't stay focused long enough to make a coherent entry. Consider this post just another mindless collection of word vomit.