Emotional Staycation

I've been noticing how my mood has changed recently. The last couple weeks have been so nice. It's like an emotional vacation - but I know it'll last forever as long as I'm with Josh. The last couple years I lived in secret away from my parents and friends and hid JP and I from everyone. I lived a double life between what I could show to the world and what I had to hide. I'm finally starting to feel like a normal college student. Classes stress me out and it sucks, but that's my only stress. I don't have to hide an entire relationship. I don't have that burden anymore. I'm loving every second I have with Josh. Talking to him is so easy and he always manages to make me feel better no matter the circumstances. Distance sucks but we're making the best of everything we have together. My therapist has even noticed a change in my demeanor. I'm almost hyper now when I see her. If you compare that with my appointments only a couple months ago and difference is incredible.
Walking to my therapy appointment yesterday was nice. I had some time to myself and just listened to music while wandering the neighborhood. I was early so I decided to stroll around a little. The sky was so clear and blue. The breeze was gentle and made my hair blow a little behind me. The sun was shining on my face. I felt so happy and peaceful. I haven't felt that way in a very long time. Being able to look up to the sky and thank God for bringing me to this place. I've gone through hell and so much more, and I never saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Now I'm out of that tunnel and running as far away from that place as humanly possible. After all of what I've been through, I find myself by Josh's side. I can't think of anyplace I'd rather be.

Never Be Like You

Sometimes I can't help but think about the worst day of my life. When I'm in the shower and relaxing, sometimes my mind goes to that day. The way he peeked around the shower curtain so innocently and talked so gently. That changed as soon as I stepped out of the tub. I see his face constantly and remember the feeling in my heart and mind.
I try to replace those thoughts with thoughts of my present and future. I have an amazing guy by my side who shows me everyday how much he cares. Josh has a lot of ambition and I love it. He probably doesn't realize how much I think about him. I want to do everything and anything with him just to spend a little extra time together and make brand new memories. I can't wait until the summer. The amount of time we can spend together will easily triple and we may even spend whole weekends with each other.
I haven't heard from JP in over a week. No emails, no texts, no calls, no voicemails, no ringing doorbells. It's been silent. I thought for sure I'd miss it just a tiny bit but I was so wrong. It's nice not to have to worry about him. He's stuck with his mistakes and the life he created for himself. What am I stuck with? An amazingly handsome and sweet guy who treats me exactly how I've always wanted to be treated. I almost wish JP would read this blog. Salt in the wounds, you know? JP, if you are reading this, I hope you finally understand how serious I was. I told you that if you hurt me, I will be the coldest bitch you will ever meet. I would love nothing more than to have you roll some bagels for my wedding in a few years, and maybe even let you sit in the audience to make you see what you lost. You made your bed. You made my bed too. Unfortunately for you, you aren't the one sharing it with me.

Italian Soda

It feels like cloud nine when I'm with him. Although I've only met him a total of 3 times, I feel so comfortable with him. We have the same humor, enjoy the same things, watch the same shows, and have similar tastes in what seems like everything. He treats me like a princess. We're so alike, yet just the right amount of different to keep things alive. I talk to him all day and night. I ran on about 4hrs of sleep so I could see him early in the morning. As soon as I saw him, the fatigue faded and I was just happy. I don't need fancy dates or dinners or presents. Low-key lunches and sandals are all it takes to keep me happy. It only takes a few seconds of leaving him to make me want to go back for me. A few have said I'm out of his league, but really I think he's out of mine.

March Madness

Sometimes the worst part of my day is finally being alone at night. I like being alone and having time to myself, as do we all. But there are nights where my mind doesn't stop. My brain keeps thinking about the past. It amazes me when I think of all that I've been through. In my 20yrs of existence, a lot has happened. In the last 4yrs alone, I've had enough excitement, chaos, and emotion to last a lifetime. I've lived a double life, changed the course of my academic life, been hurt beyond comprehension, hurt others beyond comprehension, and just changed in so many ways. As I see my brother grow up, it all looks eerily familiar to me. He's exactly what I was when I was his age.  I made a lot of stupid choices and did things I regret, and I hate to think that he'd go down a path even somewhat similar to mine.
I just sit here typing away endlessly about my feelings, and never really do anything to back it all up. I have so much drive and motivation in life, but my own mind won't let me go. I get caught up in depression or too much happiness (if there is such a thing), and I just forget what I'm supposed to be doing. I opened my anatomy and physiology textbook and just looked at the pages. This subject fascinates me. Why don't I actually study it? I thought this was why I started taking my medication. It was supposed to help me stay level-headed. So much for that. I just hate being on the medications. To much of one and I'm out cold for 12hrs, too little of another and I can't concentrate. I used to belong to a group on Facebook for bipolar people. It was such a nice little community. I felt safe and like I could ask them whatever was on my mind. I was on there every day reading other people's posts and comments and seeing if anything related to me. But just like everything else in my life, it got taken away and shut down. My online support group was ripped from me. It's something so small and silly, but it was a big deal to me. I've been altering my dosage for one of my meds because it's making me too tired. And now I feel very hyper. I just want to start again from ground 0. But where is that going to get me? I'll end up right back where I am now.
See what I mean about my mind being left to wander? It sucks.

Misha

We've all heard the analogy of life being like a box of chocolates. Sometimes you get a piece that's your favorite, and other times you get that gross toffee shit no one likes. Today was a strange combination of both. I ended up completely forgetting about an Anatomy and Physiology test and had to somehow bullshit my way through. I got a C at best. This started my anxiety and stress about how important this semester is. I need to do well this semester in order to be accepted into the nursing program.
I talked to Josh about my worries and insecurities, and he has faith in me that I can turn it all around. I really think I found someone who is amazingly great to me. Almost like he knew I'd need it, he had ordered a little surprise for me that was due in the mail so that when I got home, I'd have a little present waiting for me. It was such a simple stuffed animal, but it really showed me he listens and cares and wants to make me happy. My parents are even taking a liking to him. I'm not used to having my parents approval on the guys I've dated so this is a good sign. My mom always said that you know you have a good man when you want to bring him around your family and show him off. I'd love nothing more than for my family to meet him and adore him as much as I do. Josh and I found a simple but sweet pleasure in each other. We can smile and laugh together. At the end of the day, it's laughter and sweet memories that get us through the gross toffee pieces.

Monti 506

I don't even know where to begin. So many things have happened, and so many chapters have ended. My life is no where near where I saw it being a year ago. A year ago I was pregnant, dealing with JP, failing in school, and feeling so overwhelmed by my life. Now I'm happy, confident in my studies, have an amazing new boyfriend, and trying to begin the latest and greatest chapter in my life.
I was hospitalized in August for 6 days. During that time, I was isolated from the world. I didn't see the sun or trees or feel the breeze on my face. I was in the bed next to the hallway, right by the nurse's station. I was hooked up to various IVs, had an oxygen feed into my nose, and experienced what it was like to lose total sense of what day or time it was. In a hospital, 4am is the same as 4pm. I never got more than 4hrs of continuous sleep. JP was there by my side. He slept there almost every night in the chair next to my bed. I'd fall asleep cuddling his arm and wake up to the nurse asking me for vitals. I would watch him sleep as I was poked with needles and given more stinging fluid in my IV. Somehow, watching him sleep comforted me. Those are the only memories I tried to remember of him. The good ones. However, even in the hospital he found ways to hurt me. He was convinced I had gotten sick from someone else and that it couldn't have possibly been him. I had gotten a UTI, but had no symptoms. Because of this, it wasn't treated. It got worse and worse until I couldn't take it anymore. JP was positive I had slept with some "dirty dick nigga" who gave me something. We got into multiple fights about it while I was in the hospital. But the worst one was when he stormed out of the room and threw something at me. It hit me in the face and made my nose bleed. I waddled to the bathroom with my IV pole in hand and just sat there, terrified he'd come back and hurt me again.
As time went on, the relationship only got worse. He had no faith in me, and I had too much faith in him. What ended our relationship for good was when I found out he had slept with someone else while also sleeping with me. He lied about it, and denied it until the end. Sometimes, you just have to give up on people. They end up hurting you more than helping you, and it sucks. We officially ended somewhere in February. What we had for the last couple of months wasn't even a relationship anymore. It was just friends who fucked. It became so meaningless to me.
I decided that I needed to leave all of the dead weight behind and start on my new life. I met this amazing guy, Josh. He's the sweetest, funniest guy in the world. He has such nice eyes and a smile that's infectious. We've only known each other for a couple weeks at this point, but we just click so perfectly. We have so much in common, it's mind-blowing. My parents seem to be ok with him so far, but they haven't met him in length yet. There's nothing about him they could possibly dislike. He lives across state lines, but it isn't very far at all. He's come to me, and I've gone to him. All I know is that I'm happier than I've been in a very long time. I'm working towards my nursing degree, have an amazing new guy in my life, and I just feel positive. Some parts of your life are always going to live deep in your heart and mind, but never forget that the past is the past. The past helped you grow, and the future entices you to keep moving onwards and upwards.