March Madness

Sometimes the worst part of my day is finally being alone at night. I like being alone and having time to myself, as do we all. But there are nights where my mind doesn't stop. My brain keeps thinking about the past. It amazes me when I think of all that I've been through. In my 20yrs of existence, a lot has happened. In the last 4yrs alone, I've had enough excitement, chaos, and emotion to last a lifetime. I've lived a double life, changed the course of my academic life, been hurt beyond comprehension, hurt others beyond comprehension, and just changed in so many ways. As I see my brother grow up, it all looks eerily familiar to me. He's exactly what I was when I was his age.  I made a lot of stupid choices and did things I regret, and I hate to think that he'd go down a path even somewhat similar to mine.
I just sit here typing away endlessly about my feelings, and never really do anything to back it all up. I have so much drive and motivation in life, but my own mind won't let me go. I get caught up in depression or too much happiness (if there is such a thing), and I just forget what I'm supposed to be doing. I opened my anatomy and physiology textbook and just looked at the pages. This subject fascinates me. Why don't I actually study it? I thought this was why I started taking my medication. It was supposed to help me stay level-headed. So much for that. I just hate being on the medications. To much of one and I'm out cold for 12hrs, too little of another and I can't concentrate. I used to belong to a group on Facebook for bipolar people. It was such a nice little community. I felt safe and like I could ask them whatever was on my mind. I was on there every day reading other people's posts and comments and seeing if anything related to me. But just like everything else in my life, it got taken away and shut down. My online support group was ripped from me. It's something so small and silly, but it was a big deal to me. I've been altering my dosage for one of my meds because it's making me too tired. And now I feel very hyper. I just want to start again from ground 0. But where is that going to get me? I'll end up right back where I am now.
See what I mean about my mind being left to wander? It sucks.